The trade to the White Sox couldn’t have worked any better for Kevin Youkilis. Now he can just chuck all of his clothes in with some bleach. I imagine him and Ventura will get along thick as thieves. They can bond over how they were both publicly beat up. Ventura by Nolan and Youuuuuuuuk by the Red Sox. Talk about a club turning on one of its biggest fan favorites. I hope Bobby Valentine has the decency to help Youuuuuuuuuk pack up his locker in an easy-to-carry pita. The Greek God Of Limps could see a boost in value if he can stay healthy. That if is the size of Mumbai’s population. Maybe the motivation of showing the Red Sox they shouldn’t have hurt his feelings will help him pick up his batting stick and mollywhop for old time’s sake. Though, it seems real doubtful. Fenway wasn’t exactly a pitchers’ park and he hasn’t been good since 2009. If I were youuuuuuuuuuuu, I wouldn’t get too excited about him. This will mean Middlebrooks no longer has to play 3rd base on egg shells. “Hey, Youk, if you want to go throw the ball around the infield while the pitcher warms up, you can.” That was Middlebrooks during one of their awkward conversations. Middlebrooks has 20+ homer power and a good average, basically, what Youuuuuuuk was. Middlebrooks, watch your back in eight years. That is all. Anyway, here what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Anthony Rizzo – When asked about Rizzo, the Cubs went mum, not the British mother. Though, that reminds me. I had another money making scheme that I’m just putting out there for someone else. A line of t-shirts for adults that have the same sayings on them as toddlers. “My Mom’s Hot,” “How would you like I pinched your cheeks?” and the always popular, “Pooping in Progress.” Cut me in on my usual 10% if you do the shirts. Back to the Cubs, they’re not saying anything, but the Chicago Tribune said Tuesday’s the day we see Rizzo. Last Friday, I said it would happen this week. Now’s the time. He’s done marinating in the minors. It’s go time. T-minus 24 hours. If you’re gonna own him, no time like the present. He’s about to go from future tense to present. Liam Gallagher said today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to Rizzo… Okay, you catch my drift. He’s got 23 homers in 66 games this year with a .355 average. He could do the same in Chicago….Or! — Damn you, Or. — He could bust again this year like he did last. Though I’d prefer him do it on my team than someone else’s. You need to take the gamble. Not Rudy. He’s taken. Sorry, four ladies. For the rest of this season, I could see Rizzo giving a line of 30/17/45/.280. There’s a chance for more — a lot more. There’s a chance for less. Want to read more of my Anthony Rizzo fantasy, click that thing-a-ma-goobiewitz. Grab him, in the non-sexual way right now.
Joe Saunders – Landed on the DL. Never has a nation of fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) been so interested in Joe Saunders’s health. Maybe because we’re all one family of humans concerned with each other that is beautifully illustrated in the films of Michael Bay. You are Josh Harnett and I’m Liv Tyler and Joe Saunders’s shoulder is an asteroid. If we don’t band together… If we don’t stand as one… If not us, then who? Yeah, that’s hogwash; people don’t care about Saunders. They want to see Trevor Bauer. Thursday looks like the day we will finally see him. If you have room, there’s no time like the– Well, see the cliches from the above blurb. I’ve gone over my Trevor Bauer fantasy. If he’s out there, I’d grab him in all leagues. Yeah, even that one. He’s been flat-out beautiful in the minors, which autocorrect wants to change to minarets, and maybe he’s done well in those too, because when looking at his numbers there’s definitely no way to mosque his brilliance. 111 Ks in 90 1/3 IP, and only 46 BBs. Giddy up, you crazy sums-a-snitches!
Wade Miley – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Keep pitching well if you want now, Miley, it don’t matter, you can’t hold back the Bauer anymore. BTW, if you had the under for 2.20 ERA by June 25th for Miley, you’re a time traveler and that’s not fair you’re betting.
Cody Ross – 2 HRs, 5 RBIs as he hit cleanup. Code Rossi looks like he returned right where he left off (he homered the last two games before his monthlong DL stint). Different positions, but to throw an aforementioned name at you, Rossi will have a better season than Youk.
Adrian Gonzalez – 2-for-3 with his 6th homer. A-Drain shows life just as the coroner is about to place the foot tag.
Andrew Bailey – Had a setback during his rehab and… Well, I wasn’t completely confident he was ever returning or if Aceves was gonna lose the job anyway, so there’s that and that. If you’re stashing Bailey and Storen and you need saves, you should go to the casino and bet the opposite your intuition tells you.
Clay Buchholz – Landed on the DL with a gastrointestinal illness. Too bad interleague’s over, they could’ve had Buchholz *hitting out of the two hole.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4 with a homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Josh Willingham – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. ‘Member when Minnesotan women buckled their Mary Janes on what Morneau and Mauer did? Now they’re all about porkin’ The Other White Meat, you betcha.
Matt Capps – Probably should’ve been put on the DL last week when he first had shoulder issues, but the Twins were hoping to avoid a Cappsizing (and they wanted to build up his trade value). Well, boo for them and Capps owners. Perkins or Burton should get the saves in the mean’s while. I’d go with Perkins first just because he got the first two saves in Capps’ stead, but Burton is the righty and could see some, too. It’s basically a closerousel shituation of the ugliest order.
Ryan Zimmerman – May need a DL stint for his shoulder. I think he could use some bouncy rubber balls corked into his bat, but what do I know? I’m just a poor llama farmer with a fantasy baseball blog. My knowledge ends at shearing llamas.
Drew Storen – Damn, that’s a wrench in my ol’ DL stashing bidness. The Nats are saying Storen won’t be the closer when he returns. I see no reason why A) They’d lie. B) Not let Clippard continue since he’s done well. C) See D. On a somewhat related note, ‘member when Davey said Clippard’s too valuable in the 8th inning to close, then went a month and a half with the wrong guy just to save face? Basically, the reasons why you don’t like your boss extend to the majors.
Frank Francisco – To the DL and Bobby Parnell, who, according to Google, is not the little black kid from the movie Role Models, will close games in place of Frank-Frank. Since I’ve lost Capps, I hope Parnell has the closer role for a very long time, but I think it’ll probably only be a couple of weeks.
Aroldis Chapman – Has now given up two earned runs in back-to-back appearances. This past weekend we felt an aftershock from the Closepocalypse. Aroldis is about to be Aroldwas if he doesn’t get his shizz together because Dusty’s about as good with patients as Dr. Kevorkian was. I grabbed Sean Marshall, then snort-laughed like Don Knotts, because I’m cool. And, for those keeping score at home, between the last blurb and this one, I’ve added Parnell and Marshall.
Adam Lind – Recalled by the Blue Jays to DH and play 1st. In 30 games in Triple-A, he hit 7 homers and .400. Wily Mo Pena and Dallas McPherson were very impressed with his adjustments. If you need to take a shot on power, I’d give Lind a flyer. Shoot, I did already. To recap my manic waiver wire activity, I picked up Parnell and Marshall, and dropped Boesch for Lind. I’m like Bubbles and the waiver wire is my crack.
Jason Heyward – 3-for-4 with his 11th homer. I hadn’t realized this, but Heyward hurt some feelings while he struggled in May. Last week, when I said Heyward could have the season you’re still hoping you get from J-Upside, the Hatewards came out in full force. To incorrectly quote the dated saying, don’t hate the game, hate the player you own on your fantasy baseball team.
Jose Altuve – Left yesterday’s game with a strained hamstring. Looked like Altuve would need a DL stint. Tough break (strain?) for a guy that was earning the Sparky Anklebiter nickname.
Dallas Keuchel – On Saturday, he threw a 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks gem. That is, if you’re looking at a cubic zirconia and thinking it’s a diamond. He’s having a run of, “Hitters don’t know I only throw 87 miles per hour? This is awesome!” I’d be careful about picking him up, even in NL-Only leagues. And that’s word to Big Bird, that’s not cheese that’s curd, you heard? (A saying that is long overdue for the spotlight.)
Chris Johnson – 3-for-4 with his 6th homer. Hitting near .400 over the last week for the guy whose name sounds like the command an old man screams into the urinal.
Lance Lynn – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, pushing his ERA to 3.23. It’s a long, lonely journey to 4.00 ERA when you had an under 2.50 ERA. I bet a lot of you thought I was slightly bonkers for telling you to sell him for a month straight when he was going well.
Michael Fiers – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. When he was first called up, I pointed out that I liked Fiers for the short-term because of his age and K-rate. We’re still in the short-term, eff why hoo.
Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks with the aging-starters-that-no-one-wants-to-add-but-have-been-valuable losing Bartolo Colon, Buehrle has picked up the torch with a 3.55 ERA and 1.15 WHIP. He’s also been carrying the oddly-placed-H torch for Jhonny Peralta and Khalil Greene. Quite the burhden.
Carlos Pena – In the first game of the doubleheader, he hit a homer out of the two hole, which sounds like good news you’d report to your gastroenterologist.
David Price – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks didn’t outpitch Hamels (7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks), but it felt significant that the Phils lost. If I were the type who knew how to make a diagram, I’d say the Rays were the ascending line and the Phils the descending line that intersected at the 2008 World Series.
Chase Utley – Could return on Wednesday. I scheduled Thursday on my iCal as the time to talk about Utley’s newest injury. I keed. Kinda. I wouldn’t expect much from Utley. He’s hitting .172 in High-A with one homer and a steal. Wouldn’t be surprised if he only goes four days a week for the Phillies. This is not your slightly older brother’s Chase Utley.
Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5 with a slam (7) and legs (12) in the first game of the DH. Hopefully when Utley returns it does’t tip the Phils’ old person karma and force Rollins mysteriously to the DL. To give you an obscure real world example, it’s like when Night Court’s old lady bailiffs kept dying, then they went with a younger black woman and that killed Harry Anderson and Larroquette’s career.
Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks to push his record at 0-4 while his xFIP is under 3. Fangraphs Database is on 24-hour watch until Lee gets his ERA down and wins a game. Pray for it.
Quintin Berry – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and the slam & legs. Sat out Saturday so he could run to the store and get Leyland a pack of smokes, but HeRun has been playing nearly every day and has four steals in the last ten games. Imagine Quintin Berry is a Snapple flavor, then under his cap it says SAGNOF!
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Right after I endorse you, you go and do this? You Benedickey Arnold! Hopefully, this was just a temporary glitch in the matrix.
Derrek Norris – 1-for-4 with a homer yesterday and 2-for-5 on Saturday. He’s now started three of the last four games for the A’s. If this is a timeshare with Suzuki, Kurt’s paying the resort fees while Norris enjoys the amenities.
Mike Moustakas – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homers. Not at the same time, that would’ve been a record.
Eric Hosmer – Sat yesterday so Butler (who homered) could play first and Brayan Pena (2-for-4) could DH. Sadly, that actually makes sense. I think I might pick up Matt Rizzotti, the Twins prospect, just so I can pretend I have a Rizzo on my team.
Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-5 with a Freedom Fly. He went into a deep, dark funk that only Aronofsky could properly capture, but Freedom might be coming out of it now.
Nolan Reimold – Will undergo season-ending surgery on a bulging disk in his neck. When they made Nolan’s neck, they broke the Reimold.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. You know how they have that Matt Wieters Facts site that is simply a ripoff of Chuck Norris Facts? Can someone please start a Clarke Peters Facts site?
Ross Detwiler – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Basically, anyone the Nats put in the rotation is gonna be an ace. I grabbed Detwiler in an NL-Only league and would look at him in some mixed leagues. Here’s what I said about Detwiler right after Humber’s perfect game, “Prior to the 2007 draft, (Detwiler) was considered the 2nd best lefty behind only Price. Shizz got derailed, or Detwilered. At one point, he had a 9+ K-rate and solid control. He might be a really late-bloomer. I’d prefer that than a guy that has never been anything, but had one great game *cough* Humber *cough*.” And that’s me coughing me!
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4 with a steal, but what technically happened was, Harper was leading off 2nd base and third base went to get his autograph.
Brandon McCarthy – To the DL with right shoulder soreness. His left shoulder then told his right shoulder about universal healthcare. Then his right shoulder called his left shoulder a lame-a-crat. Then his left shoulder said the right had the corniest nicknames for the left. And the two shoulders were still so far apart.
Jose Quintana – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Combined with Chris Sale and Jake Peavy, they gave up a combined 1 earned run in 33 IP in the last 8 days over 4 starts. Their collective record: 1 loss, 3 no-decisions. The 1919 White Sox hit better than this in the World Series. Did they let the actors from Eight Men Out hit this week? Everyone but Cusack is on the take!