Desperate housewives and team owners rejoice – Evan Longoria is back and he has the mysterious, bedroom-eyed Giancarlo Stanton with him. Woo-hoo! Tommy Hutton be my Marlins docent and read me Giancarlo’s stat line. No, a little to the right. Ah, yeah, that’s the stuff. Bad wheels sidelined both these 2nd round picks and I imagine a lot of teams that drafted these two are down in the scrap heap, but this has to be a sweet moment for those of you who managed to keep your teams in contention and can now add these guys back into your lineups. Enjoy it (I know Rudy is on his RCL team), because it’s still a big question mark whether either of these guys flash the power that warranted the high draft pick. Beats counting on someone like Chris Carter or Mike Olt… I have a lot more faith in Giancarlo than Longoria, and not simply because I have his name tattooed on my neck like I’m in Blink-182. During rehab, Giancarlo was dropping some bombs, in the pacifist, baseball way, while Longoria was getting sore every other day. I wouldn’t be shocked to see Longoria sit two days a week or to see Giancarlo file a restraining order against me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
James Shields – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. This comes after a three-hit shutout where he K’d 11. That’s a hotter back-to-back than anything Aronofsky could’ve ever dreamed up.
Kevin Youkilis – Sat out yesterday with a sore knee. Maybe he’s got some bodies in there. Where’s David Caruso when you need him?
Jose Bautista – Bad news out of Toronto today. Bautista is still experiencing wrist pain, headed for another MRI and is out indefinitely. “The Pirates really got the better of this trade!” That’s the Comatose Pirates fan who’s been out for the last four years. Wrist pain for a hitter + In August with no timetable to return = Arte Johnson’s pants. Whoa, that math is all wrong. Was supposed to equal likely out for the season. If you’re counting on Bautista for your miraculous title run in your H2H league, maybe you pay Chris Johnson a little more attention so he’s doesn’t spite you.
Brett Lawrie – Out again yesterday with a sore oblique. He said when he tags it’s fine, but it’s still sore when he hashes.
Cole Hamels – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. A’la Guy Fieri, “That was a crackerjack performance. And crackerjack is good!”
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-3 with his 20th homer as he returned to the lineup. BTW, the Rasmus Girl emailed me to be on the podcast as a guest and I emailed her back immediately and then I never heard back from her. So this afternoon’s special guest is a background ground line ringing and my cackle. If someone could pester her again on Twitter, go to it.
Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in his third game since his cortisone shot. If you find this post better than most, I got a cortisone shot in my fingers.
Jim Henderson – Got the save for the Brewers yesterday. Jim Henderson was called on because the Brewers’ other Muppets look like Fozzie Bear with typos, “Wack-a, wack-a, wack-a” and they were overused the day before. I wouldn’t go crazy grabbing Henderson; he’s probably third on a real ugly closer food chain. “Do you want to go with the Waldorf Salad with rancid mayo or the aspic with lime Jell-o and pork?” That’s the Brewers Closer Waiter talking about today’s specials.
Michael Fiers – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. Now you really couldn’t get Michael Fiers if you were f**cking Michael Fiers because someone’s holding onto him like a bag of peanuts Ganesha gave them.
Gordon Beckham – 1-for-3 with his 2nd home run in as many games. Taking a page out of Aramis and Zimmerman’s playbook, he got a shot of adrenaline to his heart. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but if you’re hurting for pop at MI, I’d grab Beckham.
Jake Peavy – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Can’t believe he couldn’t get the win against Bruce Effin’ Chen. Why is God punishing me? Was it the cat I kicked in college? I was on shrooms and Patches said, “I’m a freakin’ fur ball,” but I thought I heard, “I’m a free kickball.” After the cat landed, we laughed about the confusion. Patches forgave me, why won’t you?! Why?!
Ryan Dempster – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Sawx. Sonavabench! Ugh, it’s gonna be tough owning Dempster, trying to figure out when to start him.
Billy Butler – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. After the homer, he ran into the stands and kissed Morganna.
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs with his 3rd homer. I thought of the song, “Sometimes I Rhyme Slow” when I wrote “Starling” because he mentions a Sterling. Great song and he name drops Tavern on the Green, how’s that for gangster? RIP, Nice & Smooth’s Career. (I think they’re still alive.) (As an aside (within another aside), you ever notice how so many great rappers are like professional wrestlers? They just up and vanished when the clock struck 1998. Where the hell are Nice & Smooth (if they’re still alive)? Their Wikipedia page is shorter than that dopey guy from Fangraphs who obviously bribed a Wikipedia editor.)
Rick Porcello – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks and the win vs. the Yankees. Did you have grown man testicles and start him here because the Stream-o-Nator told you to? Or did you have baby testicles? Stream-o-Nator says you should wear girl shorts so the Stream-o-Nator can see your camel toe.
Eric Chavez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. He goes up to bat with the new song, Wannabe by the Spice Girls and the Yanks celebrate by doing the Macarena.
Ichiro Suzuki – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. His Yankee average is now up to .240 with one homer. Move over Gehrig and Ruth! Next thing you know, the Yankees are going to un-retire Phil Nevin. Or maybe trade for Austin Kearns. Nah, too young!
Eric Young Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 runs and if the Rockies have any sense in their collective melons, they will give Young a real shot to start, and you should give him a real shot on your fantasy team, too. Act like you know, MC Lyte!
Josh Rutledge – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs. Tulo who?! Tulowitzki. I know, Random Italicized Voice, I was being facetious. Fasheez-Us? Is that your Indian friend? Forget it.
Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-4 with a steal. I was a bit concerned that his back issues of Men’s Health would affect him, but it looks like his back is, uh, back.
Steve Cishek – 1 IP with two-thirds of a Kimbrel. (A “Kimbrel” is a perfect inning with 3 Ks.) Cishek now has seven saves and a 1.74 ERA in 46 2/3 IP and 46 Ks. Don’t be scared to pick him up. Or if Chingy’s reading, scurrrred.
Corey Kluber – Decent first start against the Twins (6 IP, 1 ER, 6 H, 3 BB, 3 K) but didn’t get the win thanks to three infield errors by the Indians. That’s 11 straight losses for the Indians – that woman owner from Major League finally got her wish! Given his solid AAA stats, Kluber will probably be a passable streaming candidate during favorable matchups through rest of year even if he does sound like a German tween heartthrob.
Chris Perez – Blew his second straight save. Both were pretty epic too, if epic means gut-wrenchingly terrible. In that case, epic could also be used to describe his hair. Any the hoo! Pestano has been lights out all year — 1.29 ERA, 0.94 WHIP and 57 Ks in 49 IP and should be the closer. If I had a tenderoni that had anywhere near those ratios, I think I’d love him for the rest of my life. Do I think the Indians switch it up? I’m at about 70% with Perez remaining the closer, but I’d grab Pestano anyway.
Erick Aybar – 2-for-4 with a homer. See, and I didn’t even mention Trout’s homer. Doh!
Joey Votto – Reports are saying he’s about a week away. The one key element with his knee issue he still has to master is the slide. It’s electric. Boogie woogie woogie.
Matt Wieters – 3-for-6 with two solo homers to bring his season total to 15. I don’t know how far the homers went but for fantasy purposes they were both “Just Enough.” As in, he keeps doing just enough to stay on your fantasy team.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks. I debated whether to write anything for Lynn today, because some commenters seem to think I make pitchers regress by saying negative things about them, and then if they don’t regress it’s because I’m dumb. If the stats are saying something, then that’s the way I lean. It really has nothing to do with the players, the teams or any other fakakta crap. I dumped Lynn on May 24th and since then his stats are: 4.24/1.44 in 76 1/3 IP with 81 Ks. I think you could’ve found better off waivers; I know I did.
Allen Craig – 2-for-3 with two solo shots. If this were a beer pong fantasy site, two solo shots means something totally different.
Jeremy Affeldt – Got the save yesterday and now Bochy is saying that Affeldt and Romo will get saves. No mention of Casilla. I’d grab Affeldt first because Bochy can’t tie his shoes with the kid gloves he wears with Romo. I know, Affeldt is a lefty. What do you want me to tell you? Bochy is bonkers…like a fox!
Travis Snider – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs as he got the start because it was a lefty. He’s also a lefty that’s batting near .400 against lefties. He’s the inverse property of Matt Diaz. Call him Datt Miaz. Imagine Dusty trying to figure out when to bat Snider. Would devolve into a 20 minute argument with his toothpick walking out of the clubhouse and slamming the door behind him.
Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Pirates. I usually only mention the team when it’s a good offense like the Yankees, Rangers or in Coors or when it’s a bad team like the Padres or Astros. You know, so you have perspective. So wrap your head around the fact that I mentioned it was the Pirates. Zadow! I don’t have Carrie’ ex-boyfriend yet in any leagues, but I could totally see grabbing him in favorable matchups.
Chris Johnson – 2 HR and 5 RBI. He now has 7 HRs in the last 12 games. Someone’s happy to be in Arizona. Same thing happened to Aaron Hill last year – maybe these midseason trades work because the player’s leave their girlfriend/wife in their previous home city and spend the rest of the season partying up in Arizona strip clubs. Whatever the reason, Johnson’s so red hot that he makes Chad Tracy’s hair look jet black.
Alfonso Soriano – Sat out yesterday with a swollen hand. He told reporters, “I can’t be Superman.” Of course not, he’s his archenemy: Sux Luthor.