Justin Morneau is set to return from the disabled list today. We’ll be good if he hits 17 homers in his first at-bat back. Supposing he doesn’t do that, even if supposing makes a supp out of you and me, can Morneau help your team? Sure, what better way to raise the white flag? For instance, you keep getting emails from your leaguemates asking if you’re paying attention. You no longer have to reply to everyone; just put Morneau in your lineup. Everyone will get the hint. Of course, I’m only 25% joking. If Morneau’s on waivers, you may as well pick him up. If he doesn’t hit, at least he’ll help you empathize with everyone else who had him on their team all year long. Or maybe you should pick up Morneau because everyone who hasn’t owned him all year will die in ghastly ways like the fantasy baseball version of Final Destination. “You weren’t supposed to avoid Morneau this year. Now he’s coming for you. Ahhhh!!!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer and 28th and 29th steals. Now who’s Shane and who’s Feign Victorino? Shane might be Feign and Maybin might be Shane. The rain in Spain falls mostly on the plain. Lovers wanna meet Virginia, Train. EPMD dropped Jane in the refrain and Buehrle should buy a Corvette for DeWayne — Wise! The preceding was fantasy baseball advice told to me by Twista.
Cory Luebke – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. SPOILER ALERT: He’s not in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he could be.
Mike Morse – Went for an MRI after being hit by a Ryan Dempster pitch. The MRI revealed it was a left elbow contusion. Then the MRI revealed it likes to play hacky sack and loves Chinese food. If there’s any MRIs with similar likes, they should go on a date.
Arthur Rhodes – The Cardinals signed the 41-year-old lefty. At the press conference, he said, “I’m getting too old for this sh*t.”
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. Has a 2.35 ERA and a 0.87 WHIP. Pretty incredible that both of those numbers are below Miggy’s BAC.
Curtis Granderson – Hit his 32nd homer. Or his 4th homer in the last three games. Or twelve months after I owned him in every league!
Robinson Cano – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer with a .303 average. In the preseason I said, “I like him in the 2nd round, but not in the first round. Usually I can build up enough venom for even the nicest of players if I think they’re overrated. I had a real hard time getting totally down on Cano, in the non-sexual way. His skill set tells me that he’s a 25-homer, .310 hitter.” And that’s me quoting me! So far I look right and wrong. He is a 25 homer, .310 hitter, but there were so many landmines in the 1st round this year that Cano actually merits some recognition for not disappointing.
Mariano Rivera – Got the save yesterday but also gave up a run for the third straight game. His arm would have to fall off for him to lose the job, but maybe 1192 career innings was his agreed upon limit with the devil.
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Speaking of landmines in the early rounds of a draft, what a turd sandwich this guy’s season has been. For some unwelcome perspective, Zimmerman: 6 homers and 27 RBIs — Aramis Ramirez: 21 homers and 71 RBIs. Bummerman.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks. Looks like an unprepared runner finishing their first marathon, limping to his innings limit finish line with his nipples bleeding earned runs.
J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4 with a home run. Guess how many homers he has? Go ahead, I’ll wait. *scratches chin, taps finger, cracks neck, makes an upside down West Side gang sign to the mailman* Oh, forget it! He has 19 homers! Crazy, right?
Hideki Matsui – 4-for-6, 2 runs and 2 RBIs. This is a win for Godzilla, anime and porn. Not Godzilla anime porn though; gross!
Jeff Niemann – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks. Since July 1st, his ERA is 1.72. As Dave Hester would say, “Yuuuuuuup!”
Juan Gutierrez – Tranfered from the 15-day DL to the 60-day DL. I transfered him from my “I don’t care” list to my “I really don’t care” list.
Melky Cabrera – 3-for-5 and his 15th steal, while raising his average to .309. I can think of one outfielder that is definitely going disappoint next year. His name rhymes with Welky Wabrera.
Jhoulys Chacin – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks. Sonavabench! Sometimes I wish a pitcher would just become totally unusable rather than go from good to bad back to good and make it impossible to know when to start him.
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Of course he has a 1.97 ERA on the year. Why wouldn’t he? I mean, Dan Uggla has a 31 game hitting streak. Now I will put shoes on my hands and walk upside down into a nail salon and get a manicure on my toes. Cause that all makes sense in opposite world.