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Justin Morneau is set to return from the disabled list today.  We’ll be good if he hits 17 homers in his first at-bat back.  Supposing he doesn’t do that, even if supposing makes a supp out of you and me, can Morneau help your team?  Sure, what better way to raise the white flag?  For instance, you keep getting emails from your leaguemates asking if you’re paying attention.  You no longer have to reply to everyone; just put Morneau in your lineup.  Everyone will get the hint.  Of course, I’m only 25% joking.  If Morneau’s on waivers, you may as well pick him up.  If he doesn’t hit, at least he’ll help you empathize with everyone else who had him on their team all year long.  Or maybe you should pick up Morneau because everyone who hasn’t owned him all year will die in ghastly ways like the fantasy baseball version of Final Destination.  “You weren’t supposed to avoid Morneau this year.  Now he’s coming for you.  Ahhhh!!!”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer and 28th and 29th steals.  Now who’s Shane and who’s Feign Victorino?  Shane might be Feign and Maybin might be Shane.  The rain in Spain falls mostly on the plain.  Lovers wanna meet Virginia, Train.  EPMD dropped Jane in the refrain and Buehrle should buy a Corvette for DeWayne — Wise!  The preceding was fantasy baseball advice told to me by Twista.

Cory Luebke – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  SPOILER ALERT:  He’s not in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he could be.

Mike Morse – Went for an MRI after being hit by a Ryan Dempster pitch.  The MRI revealed it was a left elbow contusion.  Then the MRI revealed it likes to play hacky sack and loves Chinese food.  If there’s any MRIs with similar likes, they should go on a date.

Arthur Rhodes – The Cardinals signed the 41-year-old lefty.  At the press conference, he said, “I’m getting too old for this sh*t.”

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Has a 2.35 ERA and a 0.87 WHIP.  Pretty incredible that both of those numbers are below Miggy’s BAC.

Curtis Granderson – Hit his 32nd homer.  Or his 4th homer in the last three games.  Or twelve months after I owned him in every league!

Robinson Cano – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer with a .303 average. In the preseason I said, “I like him in the 2nd round, but not in the first round.  Usually I can build up enough venom for even the nicest of players if I think they’re overrated.  I had a real hard time getting totally down on Cano, in the non-sexual way.  His skill set tells me that he’s a 25-homer, .310 hitter.”  And that’s me quoting me!  So far I look right and wrong.  He is a 25 homer, .310 hitter, but there were so many landmines in the 1st round this year that Cano actually merits some recognition for not disappointing.

Mariano Rivera – Got the save yesterday but also gave up a run for the third straight game.  His arm would have to fall off for him to lose the job, but maybe 1192 career innings was his agreed upon limit with the devil.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer.  Speaking of landmines in the early rounds of a draft, what a turd sandwich this guy’s season has been.  For some unwelcome perspective, Zimmerman:  6 homers and 27 RBIs — Aramis Ramirez:  21 homers and 71 RBIs.  Bummerman.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Looks like an unprepared runner finishing their first marathon, limping to his innings limit finish line with his nipples bleeding earned runs.

J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Guess how many homers he has?  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *scratches chin, taps finger, cracks neck, makes an upside down West Side gang sign to the mailman*  Oh, forget it!  He has 19 homers!  Crazy, right?

Hideki Matsui – 4-for-6, 2 runs and 2 RBIs.  This is a win for Godzilla, anime and porn.  Not Godzilla anime porn though; gross!

Jeff Niemann – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Since July 1st, his ERA is 1.72.  As Dave Hester would say, “Yuuuuuuup!”

Juan Gutierrez – Tranfered from the 15-day DL to the 60-day DL.  I transfered him from my “I don’t care” list to my “I really don’t care” list.

Melky Cabrera – 3-for-5 and his 15th steal, while raising his average to .309.  I can think of one outfielder that is definitely going disappoint next year.  His name rhymes with Welky Wabrera.

Jhoulys Chacin – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Sonavabench!  Sometimes I wish a pitcher would just become totally unusable rather than go from good to bad back to good and make it impossible to know when to start him.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Of course he has a 1.97 ERA on the year.  Why wouldn’t he?  I mean, Dan Uggla has a 31 game hitting streak. Now I will put shoes on my hands and walk upside down into a nail salon and get a manicure on my toes.  Cause that all makes sense in opposite world.

  1. JD says:
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    Dave Hester reference killed me! Haha

  2. Howard says:
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    @JD haha you said it for me! @Grey *sigh* looking at Yo-lease’s line reminds me of when he was.. so soft…so fresh…so Chacin! Sonavabench!

  3. HldOnMgnolia says:
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    Hanley Ramirez, Ryan Zimmerman, Adam Dunn, Jason Heyward:

    Not just the primary ingredients of a turd sandwich but also the first four picks on my fantasy team this year.

    And I’m in first place! Thanks, Razzball!

  4. Barry Weiss says:
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    I can’t believe you gave Dave Hester internet ink. Oh crap, I just did, too!

  5. MrHappyTime says:
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    Bumgarner or Gio Gonzalez rest of the season? Also who would you stream outta the Peavy vs Hochevar matchup tomm? Thanks!!

  6. Oilcan Giuseppe says:
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    Grey,I think youre having a bad influence on me when it comes to SP’s w/ flashy K numbers.I dont see the 4 walks and 2ER in 5 innings w/ Luebke yesterday,I simply see 8 K in 5 Innings and remember 9 K in 7 innings from his last start.

    I should be mad that I dropped Arencibia earlier this yr,but I dropped him to p/u Napoli,so I actually dont give a s**t.

    anyway….Im sure you’ll get plenty of people ask the same question today:start Price @Yankees today?

  7. schlitzy says:
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    Did you see Egyptian Dave Hester find the $13,000 Nintendo? Oh wait, it doesn’t work and its woth $10. No Tecmo Bowl for you..noooope! I swear that guy saw the first season and decided he wanted to be on the show so now he shows up to these auctions to to F around with them.

  8. Oilcan Giuseppe says:
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    Grey:one more question,8 team points league,Hart or Willingham?

  9. Nehocstu says:
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    Grey, need a personal favor…

    I’ve been rotating shmohawks through my roster all year for my 3rd outfielder (only 3 + a util; 12 team thin rosters, 8×8 h2h w/ bb/k/ave/). Can you give me some advice on choices available for ROS? We charge for adds/drops, so the incentive is to hold pat (and if she’s one of your 3 female readers, my apologies)

    Maybin (Tak’in care of business? Every day, when he’s away?)
    Godzilla (yusta love him)
    Cant’-stand-ya
    Crisp (had & dropped him …)
    Carp
    Any soon-to-be-promoted OF?

    As always, … make my day!

  10. Phil says:
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    Soory for the repeat question, I asked this in the other post but too late.. Anyway I’m in a dynasty league in yahoo… I have the top WW.. should I pick up vizcaino or wait to see if Bauer or anyone else gets a september call? I guess what im saying is that I know Vizcaino has a great ceiling, but my gut tells me theres going to be a more top notch prospect that gets a september call

  11. Oilcan Giuseppe says:
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    Grey:one MORE one more question….12 team 5×5 h2h,Lawrie or Espinosa ROS?

  12. Oilcan Giuseppe says:
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    @Oilcan Giuseppe:btw….I dont know if you expect any more speed from Lawrie,but SB’s arent a necessity right now.

  13. papasmurf says:
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    Wow I didn’t even realize Maybin was having a nice year… a sign of how much I am out of the loop this yr due to the team falling out of contention.

    Turn the clock back to April!

  14. Wilsonian says:
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    What’s the news on the Huston Street front? I picked up Betancourt with him ailing and Lindstrom on the DL. Wanted to know how long I can ride the B-Court train.

  15. Bourne says:
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    I see you Storage Wars reference!

    I sure hope you are right on Morneau now. I traded him for Scherzer, but he was then dropped a week later and the second best team in my league has him. Crossing my fingers he gets two home runs this week then hits .238 the rest of the season like he did for me.

  16. trick dad says:
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    Luebke buy or sell? keeper league
    Drop Niemann for Saunders in 12 team league? Rays have terrible pitching matchups ROS.

  17. CT Old School says:
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    Dave Hester’s a dick.

  18. JLS says:
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    Brandi told Jarrod he only has $91 to use on next years fantasy baseball draft “Thats all of the money we have jarrod”. Anyways, ryan zimmerman came back from injuryland and has been quite solid. Look at those July/Aug numbers, possibly yawnstipating but great avg,obp,slg.

  19. Sam says:
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    Who would you rather have ROS: Bills or Gio?

  20. franknbeans says:
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    need recommendation on players that will help in rbis, in a 12team roto ops/k’s count. checked for godzilla already gone

  21. Santovenia says:
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    Maybin available, Maybin hot… I had stopped waiting after the guy, but then…boom! There goes the dynamite.

    Anyway… At 3rd base for the rest of the year, a knee-jerk A-Rod pick up or faith in young master Lawrie ? Need average more than anything.

  22. TheNewGuy says:
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    Ha hillarious Maybin comments! Own him too in a league and been very pleased, but he’s still strictly an away play (.872 OPS on road .582 at home!).

    Is the old Latos back? Am going for it all this year in my keeper league and have already aquired Pence, Doc and Hamilton so far! (yep the league’s gone officially trading mad) . Am now considering trading for Latos as I’ve noticed he’s been like his last-season self the past few starts, do you think he’ll keep it going now? Still need to improve in all SP categories even with the addition of Doc! Thanks

  23. Doc Pounder says:
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    2 questions. 1) Should I drop Carp (bench) to roster Allen Craig (bench) or just drop Craig? 2) Any of these pitchers worth dropping for Chacin? Bedard, Fister, Neimann, Luebke, Beachy, Kuroda, Latos , or Marcum.( I dropped Chacin last week to roster Bedard. )
    Thanks, and keep on moving up in the F & F !!

  24. Tony says:
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    ha dave hester has taken over this column! Yuuuuuuup!

    anyone think that show could be staged? I mean really who leaves $29K worth of vending machines in a locker, doesn’t pay their $50 per month fee, and says “efffff it i’ll let those dummies on that tv show bid on them, that will be worth it”.

    or the one episode where Darrell finds that crazy coin collection worth tons?

    I dont know. I love the show, but to keep it going I could defly see them planting things. YA KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN!

  25. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @JD: Hehe

    @Howard: Yup

    @HldOnMgnolia: Nice…You’re welcome.

    @Barry Weiss: Ha

    @MrHappyTime: Bum….Peavy

    @Oilcan Giuseppe: Ha… I’m in your head! Sit Price.

    @schlitzy: Ha..>I thought the same thing.

    @Oilcan Giuseppe: Willingham

    @Nehocstu: Ha…Maybin.

    @Phil: Depends what you’re grabbing him for… For keepers? He’s solid. Why can’t you grab him now and then maybe drop him for a different prospect if one is called up?

    @Oilcan Giuseppe: Lawrie

    @papasmurf: Ha

    @Wilsonian: Hold for a few more days.

    @Bourne: I hope not because I actually own him, but I doubt he does anything.

    @trick dad: Buy…Niemann…

    @CT Old School: Ha

    @JLS: Ha!

    @Sam: Gio at home…

    @franknbeans: No idea who’s available.

    @Santovenia: A-Rod

    @TheNewGuy: He can be a decent #2.

    @Doc Pounder: Drop Craig….Bedard….

    @Tony: I think it’s completely staged. Still entertaining…

  26. Art Vandelay says:
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    Any opinion on Luebke vs. Stauffer, or are they pretty much the same Hodgepadre?

  27. Wilsonian says:
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    Bourjos or Bourgeois? Not to be too confusing…

  28. royce! says:
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    Cueto’s bound to have a bump in the road sometime…he leads the majors in ERA-FIP (-1.59).

    Let’s check in with last years leaders in ERA-FIP! Buchholz? Awesome! Cahill? Wish I owned him! Dirty Sanchez? Yes, please! Garland? Garland?! Even I can’t muster that much sarcasm….

    (Tim Hudson is in there somewhere as well. I don’t know how he’s doing this year. I’d look it up but I fear it would counter my point.)

  29. Feeding the Abscess

    Feeding the Abscess says:
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    Slightly different Hodgepadre. Stauffer’s a better play in SF, Luebke’s a better play in LA. Stauffer’s a better play at home, as well. Use statcorner.com for park factor info and play accordingly. Try to start both guys on the road when the matchup or park is favorable, Whale’s Vagina’s offense is decent on the road; you will likely snag more wins with them on the road than at home.

    Choo is back! Enjoyed watching him in Single-A in 2003, finally have him on my team (scooped him a week ago from the wire – no DL). I’m holding out for Asian stereotypes to carry him to an excellent last two months.

  30. Feeding the Abscess

    Feeding the Abscess says:
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    @royce!: T. Hudson is getting more swinging strikes, and as a result, more K. Throwing more first pitch strikes and giving less walks, as well. His ERA and FIP are nearly matched, at 3.18-3.30. Even his xFIP, tERA and SIERA sit at 3.41-3.47-3.27. In short, Hudson has been a bargain for a 14th round pick.

  31. KayCee says:
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    Weekly lineups. Chasing W’s… Comfy lead in Whip/ERA. Been offered Kennedy & Bumgarner for Hamels… Current starting staff is: Halladay, Hamels, Haren, Pineda, Garza, Norris, Jackson, Porcello (2 starts next week). Do it?

  32. royce! says:
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    The Verlander blurb is great. I think owning him in the RCL has kept my team in contention. Wish I had Granderson, though. I think the Granderlandersons could take it all.

    Remarkably, none of the top 4 teams have Granderson.

  33. john butte says:
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    Grey, should I pick up kipnis or lawrie? If I pick up lawrie, I can shift Bautista to shore up my outfield. Who would I drop out of trumbo, matsui, or morse? Or should I just stick with what I’ve got?

  34. royce! says:
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    @Feeding the Abscess: My point exactly! He disproves my previous point! At least I was right somewhere…

  35. Feeding the Abscess

    Feeding the Abscess says:
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    @royce!: Triple post score!

    F-Her was 7th last year in ERA-FIP differential. Third round pick wasted *puke*.

  36. Van Hagaar says:
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    Grey almighty,
    Hosmer or Lawrie for CI position in a H2H points league?

  37. Eng says:
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    Altuve or Giavotella ROS?

  38. Eng says:
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    Also, is Bourgeois droppable for one of the above? Thanks, and love the title of this piece!

  39. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Eng: Altuve…I wouldn’t drop him for one of them.

  40. Scott says:
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    Is Nunez going to see starts when A Rod comes back or is Eric Chavez going to continue to get starts at DH? Maybe A Rod DH’s for a while?

    Thanks.

  41. Howard says:
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    @Grey ROS rank ‘em: Matsui, Kubel, Theth Thmith? Thanks!

  42. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Scott: I wouldn’t count on him getting playing time.

    @Howard: Smith

  43. Phil says:
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    @grey: its a really competitive keeper league… If I use my WW priority now, i wont get anything but a marginal prospect later to claim, as my priority drops back down to last… I could let vizcaino pass and hold it for a september call-up… So i guess the question is: Vizcaino or a potetial September callup…
    And i ask in terms of best long term value… My team is pretty balanced between hitting and pitching..

  44. Howard says:
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    @Grey What do you think of Robert Andino as kind of a lukewarm shmotato? Trying to replace Infante in a 20 team h2h league. thanks!

  45. DanThePoorMetFan says:
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    Grey, I am in the same position as Phil. I am in a 20 team dynasty with a 30 player roster and a 5 player protected list. Prospects are always a hot commodity in my league since we cant own a player until Yahoo add them to thier database.

    I am in 7th on WW priority He he worth grabbing or wait for a higher ranked prospect to get a call

  46. DanThePoorMetFan says:
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    @DanThePoorMetFan: I should add that I am refering to Vizcaino

  47. Brad says:
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    Grey, everyone
    I have a deep team in a keeper league and I’m thinking about trading some of my overachievers for guys like Rios. Who makes a Granderson-like comeback next year?

  48. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Phil: Let him pass.

    @Howard: Blech, but I don’t know your other options.

    @DanThePoorMetFan: I’d let him go.

    @Brad: I don’t trust Rios for a comeback.

  49. TheNewGuy says:
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    Been offered Latos ($19) and Phillips ($11) for Ackley ($0) in my keeper league (have K-Jo as backup till Phillips’ returns). Am not worried about the costs as im just trying to win this year, enough to warrant losing a keeper in Ackley? Latos would replace Ogando/Stauffers starts.

  50. TheRealTaz says:
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    Like JLS said above, Zimmerman has been solid since coming back from injury. I really dislike calling injured players “busts.” You can’t really predict that (it’s arguable with Zimmerman), and it’s not like he’s played badly. Yes, it turns out pretty bad, but imagine the owners that picked up Aramis when Zim went down. Not too bad, right? He’s not someone who will see a huge drop in value next year, unlike other players that have been healthy and put up weak stats.

  51. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @TheNewGuy: I’d hold.

    @TheRealTaz: In 233 ABs, he has 31 runs, 6 homers and 27 RBIs. He’d need 750 at-bats for his numbers to prorate to decent numbers.

  52. KayCee says:
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    Thanks Grey. Done. I miss high-pitch Cole already…

  53. Howard says:
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    @Grey I came up with some more options to replace Infante: Lillibridge, Betemit, Brandon Wood or Andino. Pretty exciting eh?

  54. jack says:
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    Hey Grey for next week how do you rank: Marcum (at Mets), Ubaldo (at CHW and at DET), Stauffer (FLA), Hanson (SF and AZ), Bedard (TB and at KC), Wandy (SF) and E Santana (TEX)? Thx!

  55. Eng says:
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    @TheRealTaz: In what league’s would Aramis have been on the FA list? 8-teamers?

  56. royce! says:
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    Real exciting day for those people owning both Choo and Morneau! Ah, who am I kidding, those teams were abandoned long ago.

    Just like I should’ve done with my h2h where I went Choo/Heyward/Dunn 2/3/4, and my aces were Liriano and Anderson. Seriously, what the hell am I thinking still managing this team? Every week is more salt in the never-healing wounds of embarrassment. FBB emo poetry!

  57. Joel says:
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    Grey:

    In my 6×6 H2H league, I have Beltran in RF, Ludwick on the bench with RF elig, and just got Choo back off DL. I have Freddie Freeman and Lawrie for my IF position.

    Q: I can trade Lawrie and Choo for Youk. Should I do it, or is that too much? THANKS!!

  58. Eng says:
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    If you had Hill at MI and need steals and RBI rather than homers, would you trade Ry Zimm+Oswalt for Utley? Or just pick up an Erc Young Jr/altuve type player?

    Thank you, Grey, and trade deadline for my league is this weekend so the questions will stop!

  59. RandomItalicizedVoice says:
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    I wouldn’t be surprised to see both Choo and Morneau have very good ROS numbers. On teams where I need to gamble at this point, I’m trying to trade for them fairly aggressively.

  60. Commish Cauda says:
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    16-team, H2H-Points League (HR=4, etc., K=-1, BB=1, SB=3…)

    Drop either A. Soriano or Garrett Jones for Godzilla?

  61. Sam says:
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    Isringhausen or Melancon? Or are they pretty much the same thing…

  62. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @KayCee: No problem.

    @Howard: Blech…Betemit…

    @jack: Marcum, Stauffer, Wandy, Hanson, Ervin….

    @royce!: ha!

    @Joel: Go for it.

    @Eng: Go for Utley.

    @Commish Cauda: Soriano

    @Sam: Same diff… Izzy….

    *****THERE’S A NEW POST FOR FOLLOWUPS.******

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