He likes school to start so he can skip class. He doesn’t befriend the incoming freshmen, but he does tell his friends, “Yo, man, let up on him,” then helps the freshman nerd down from the back of the locker hook. They, him and the freshman nerd, nod at each other, an understanding. Chris Parmelee just likes September. Last year, he hit 4 homers and a .355 average in September. Maybe it’s because of that goth chick he used to date that showed him the virtues of September, and its dying flowers. Maybe it’s because his abusive father left his family in September seventeen years ago. Maybe it’s because he plays in Minnesota and in September the girls finally start covering up. The preceding was an excerpt from Chris Parmelee’s autobiography, “Running With Scissors and a Chicken Parm Sandwich,” which was ghost written by the guy who wrote the early 80′s film, My Bodyguard. The book jacket has his minor league stats: 17 homers, .338/.457/.645 in 64 games in Triple-A this year; he’s ready for the major leagues. In 48 games with the Twins, he has 5 homers and he’s striking out a little too much. He might not get you a .270 average, and the chapters in his book about when he went to live with his psychiatrist, who operated out of the back of a pizzeria, are dry, but he should be owned for his power. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Andrew Cashner – Stop me if you’ve heard this one before–
A.J. Griffin – He goes against F-Her tonight and then gets the Angels next in an away game. Not the best matchups for Alfredo Jettucine, but in 51 2/3 IP he has a 2.26 ERA and 0.89 WHIP. He’s basically giving you a season of one of the better middle men in the matter of 9 starts. For more, read my A.J. Griffin fantasy, I wrote it while crimping my chest hair.
Daniel Straily – I went over Straily this morning and recently over my Daniel Straily fantasy. Just Find and Replace the when’s with now’s.
Jason Hammel – Has a purdy K-rate, a purdy ERA and a purdy face. What, you don’t like purdy?
Hishashi Iwakuma – Not really sure how he’s owned in only 37% of leagues with his barely over 3 ERA, but he gets the A’s next time out and the Stream-o-Nator likes it. Stream-o-Nator, “That Parmelee story made me want to stop bullying nerds. I won’t, but it made me want to.”
Ross Detwiler – Detwiler comes with a caveat. The Nats are bleeding starter innings with the loss of Strasburg. While they probably won’t shut down Detwiler, because, let’s face it, they don’t care if they blow out his arm. Sorry, I’m just be real with you. You see the truth is, everybody wanna know how close me and Detwiler is and who I’m still cool with. The Nats are trying to conserve him, so they’ve got him on a pretty low pitch count.
Brandon League – There’s no saying if League will get saves or Belisario. I’d go with League first, though our closer report writer, Blairtch, gave the nod to Belisario first. Will probably be a combination of both. Will Probably would also be the name of my superhero alter ego who you can sometimes count on when the going gets a little tough, but not too tough. “I heard your cat is stuck in your tree!” ”Yes, Will Probably, and now the tree’s on fire!” ”Oh, well, I only had half of that information.” ”Will Probably?!”
Luke Gregerson – The Padres might go to Layne for the occasional save and Street could return and, well, it’s the Padres, but SAGNOF!
Glen Perkins – The Twins have not ruled out Capps returning this season. The Twins made that announcement to finalize Matt Capps’s family carpool plans. Now his wife can’t get on his case about when he can drive the kids to school.
Mark Reynolds – Mini Donkey is actually on a good tear recently, not like when he was tearing his fantasy owners a new one for four months.
John Mayberry Jr. – Hitting near .450 with two homers in the last week. Who shot Jr. in the ass?
Jordan Pacheco – Like any full-blooded American male, whenever I hear the name Jordan, I immediately think of Michael Jordan and Jordan Catalano. Pacheco doesn’t have huge upside but he’s currently hitting (over .400 with 2 homers in the last week).
Chris Carter – He has 14 homers in 52 games. In a full season, he could hit 30 homers, but will he ever reveal what happened to The Smoking Man? Actually, I have no idea if that makes sense. I never saw The X-Files. I’m not a dork! Anyway, back to fantasy baseball…
Norichika Aoki – On the year, he’s been Aoki dokie. *giggle, snort, breathe* If you need steals, runs and average, I’d go with him.
Luke Scott - Luke, you are my waiver wire fodder.
Adam Eaton - I just went over my Adam Eaton fantasy. I wrote it while watching the season finale of Newsroom wondering if I sent a bill to Sorkin for my 10 hours wasted if he’d reimburse me.
Dewayne Wise – He has five steals in the last week, and I feel another full-Fudd werse coming on… “Yo, it’s Wewayne Wise and your chair on The SAGNOF Woice better be spinning awound, and don’t be wicking me up just cuz Rajai’s wissed you off and you’re on the rewound… My weapon of woice is my whell-top Wadidas and they’re waced up with a dookie-wat Wenz wemblem that I stole from you — no stwife, your team is in a wurgatory without steals, then wook me, officer, Wewayne Wise’s in for wife! Wide or wie.”
Everth Cabrera – For EverCab’s next song, he’s going to be playing a B-side, “Heartspark Stealsign.”
Donovan Solano – I just went over him this morning. Use your scrolly finger and go down.
Erik Kratz - In the landmark case of Sooner v. Later, he’ll go ice cold, but he has been hitting for power recently, and he sounds like the son of the nosy neighbor in a 50′s sitcom.
Josh Donaldson - “He’s eligible at catcher.” ”What is the reason why you would pick up Donaldson, Alex? Oh, and, Alex, your top lip looks barren and boring and stupid and you were my idol, how could you shave your stache?”
Dan Uggla – The Braves dropped him from their lineup, but you’re holding on to him because…? You like how he fills out his Affliction shirt? (That’s the third Giambi brother behind him.) You think he’s gonna string together another 30 game hit streak in the last 25 games? You’re afraid of success? Throw out Uggla, fix up your resume and get yourself a new job! Sorry, tough love.
Brian McCann – The Braves are talking about him losing time to David Ross. This is not due to David Ross hitting that magical 35-year-old season.
Ichiro Suzuki – I don’t say this comparison because they’re both Asian, but it made me think of it…Okay, I do say it for that reason. Norichika has been better than Ichiro the whole season, and is currently better than him. In 41 games with the Yankees, Ichiro has 3 homers, 4 steals while hitting .271. The Yankees should lock Ichiro in a closet and pretend they never traded for him. This is Ichiro going into the closet. ”Hey, Beltran, how long you been in the closet?” I keed. Or do I?
Starlin Castro - Who doesn’t love to show their frenemies their fantasy baseball teams in October and say, “Look at what I won with?” Then they see Everth Cabrera and they’re confounded, “How did you win with Everth Cabrera?” That is the secret to fantasy baseball in September, young ninja. (BTW, if you’re gonna be a ninja and dress like a ninja then you’ll want to get a better shampoo, the dandruff is kinda giving you away on that black.) If you win your league, I guarantee someone will look at your team at the end of the year and be completely confused by some of the guys you own. That could mean making some hard decisions. Starlin Castro will be great again next year, and had a nice run for about 3 and a half months this year, but he’s been death over the last month. In the month of August, he hit 2 homers and .252. In September, he hasn’t done much either. Right now, your best friend is our last twenty day player rater. Don’t worry about name value, worry about getting the most stats you can.