Travis Hafner pronk’d you like only he can. Here’s you in the 17th round of your draft, “Well, Swisher’s staring at me like he wants my Jolly Ranchers, but his playing time is an issue. Oh, wait, I know! I’ll grab Hafner because he’s going to bounce back to in medias res HGH levels of production.” First off, it’s impressive you used in medias res in a sentence to yourself even if it was used wrong. That kind of Latin isn’t often seen during internal monologues by anyone born after 78 AD. Second, I told you to avoid Hafner! What are you doing? Thinking on your own? And in Latin?! C’mon, man. Carpe Diem! Hafner’s off to see Dr. Freeze and the Indians are looking at a possible LaPorta promotion. Mmm… Bop! I still don’t think he comes up yet, but his chances just got better. This Pronk’ing also just opened up more time for Shoppach. Member how annoyed you were that you owned Shoppach and he wasn’t playing? Well, he should be owned now. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yovani Gallardo – 8 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks. Also, provided the only scoring for the Brew Crew with his 2nd homer this year. Choose your favorite commenter’s word play: A) He went Ga-yardoed! B) Gallardonk!
Edinson Volquez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit. Only one walk. Efficient, son.
Ryan Zimmerman – 18-game hitting streak. Looks like Zimm’s sick of being the bridesmaid.
Adam Rosales – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs. More importantly, Dusty played him.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-5, .329 on the season with 4 steals and one homer. I haven’t mentioned AS-drubal much since the season started because I pushed him so much during the offseason. Well, he’s doing what I thought he would. Little of this, little of that.
Felipe Paulino – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 Ks. Now with a 2.55 ERA in three games. Gets the Nats next. Yes, please.
Julian Taverez – Got the save yesterday. Then crane kicked himself in the head. He’ll be okay.
Kelly Shoppach – HR yesterday in the DH spot. Later, Pronky Loser.
Eric Stults – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER. He didn’t look Some Kind of Wonderful last night.
Pablo Sandoval – Day-to-day with tightness in his left groin. Sandoval has two groins?
Fausto Carmona – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER. Don’t matter to me cause I dropped his 6.28 ERA owning, no strikeout throwing ass. I told Rudy something like this when I dropped Carmona for Gaudin, “Carmona’s got the kind of promise that can really hurt a team.” What I mean, you can’t start him and you can’t bench him. It’s the worst place to be. I’m going to let some other schmohawk deal with this nonsense.
Jon Van Every – HR yesterday. Wait, is that the lady from Knots Landing?
Brett Myers – 6 IP, 3 ER. I have similar feelings about Myers as I do about Carmona. Only Myers is in the NL so he’s slightly more attractive.
B.J. Ryan – Expected out until at least late-May as he was told he needed a week of “no-throw.” Hmm… How about a month of “no-own?”
Carlos Marmol – 1/3 IP, 4 ER. This one’s hurting me because I don’t have patience for an MR who’s giving up runs. No matter who he is. Marmol might be hurting. Maybe it was those 20,000 pitches he threw last year.
Kenshin Kawakami – Next start being pushed back two days because of a sore shoulder. Not a good sign…
Javier Vazquez – 8 IP, 5 ER, 8 Ks. I’m convinced Javy could have this line if he pitched in Petco or Coors. Always seems to strikeout guys and give up some runs. He’s not all or nothing as much as all and nothing.
Nick Swisher – 2 HRs yesterday to bring his total to 7. And these haven’t even been in The Jetstream.
Billy Butler – 4-for-5, 2 HRs. He did it for all of you muffin tops out there.
Jorge Cantu – HR yesterday for his 6th. He’s in a cheap power for a 1st baseman race with Swisher.
Rick Porcello – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Okay, but you shouldn’t have been starting him in this game anyway. Save him for AL Central matchups or lose him forever. (<–Hey, that sounded like Meg Ryan’s line to Goose in Top Gun.)
Conor Jackson – Hitting only .200 with 1 HR. Manage 2 RBIs and 1 Run just by walking twice with the bases loaded. We’ve said it once counting this instance: Conor Jackson is the best RBI guy in baseball if you discount all RBIs earned from official ABs.
Zach Greinke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks. I think he might be this year’s feel good story like Hamilton was last year, “Zach Greinke: The Purpose Pitch.”