The Pirates announced the time is nigh for Starling Marte. The Pirates equipment manager, Buffalo Bill, has to start making a uniform made from Jose Tabata’s skin. Put the lotion in the basket, Tabata! Tabata, “I wanna go home!” You won’t go home, ever. Because you never get on base, that’s the first step to going home. Tabata, “But I was a spring sleeper!” They’re slaughtering the spring lambs. Can’t you hear their screaming? I call that piece, The Mash-Up of the Lambs. I’m guessing Marte will get the call just after the All-Star break. In Triple-A, he’s hitting .284 with 8 homers and 16 steals *quieter voice* and 12 times caught stealing. So he’s a bit raw like your fava beans. In Double-A the year before, he had 12 homers and 24 steals *barely above a whisper* and 12 times caught stealing. But he did hit .332 in Double-A. I don’t think he’s going to be rosterable off the bat in most mixed leagues, but in keepers and NL-Only leagues, I’d stash him now. He could get 7-10 homers with 10 steals. Plus, with his speed and power combo, he could surprise with nice upside. Now, excuse me, I’m having an old friend for dinner. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Garrett Jones – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer. Member when he went by Robot Jones? Eh, maybe I’m showing my age. Only play him against righties and he has 11 homers and .270+ average in 175 ABs.
Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-5, 3 runs as he returned to the lineup and raised his average to .354. The monster season continues. As George Lucas tells his ILM peeps, put the emphasis on the monster.
Neil Walker – 2-for-4, 2 runs, his 5th homer as he bats .400+ over the last week. This is not as bonkers as eating Bonkers instead of Starburst, but close. The Pirates are challenging for the best record in the NL. Or so writes in Pedro from Pittsburgh.
Carl Crawford – Rehab assignment is moving to Double-A Portland. While up there, he should try the farm-raised chicken that hasn’t eaten anything but soy milk and hazelnuts. It’s local.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Been absolutely smoking balls — that’s what she said! — since he returned. Now batting .379 with a hit in every game this season. Where you at, Joe D.?!
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 14th homer. He’s the biggest thing to happen to the Greek people since Nia Vardalos’s nose.
Jason Bourgeois – 3-for-3 with no steals, but he could get steals until Cain returns and Bourgeois gets Marx’d down.
Billy Butler – 0-for-4, 1 run as the Royals scored 11 runs. Ticker tease!
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. Go up to a complete stranger on the street and hug them, because that’s what Rasmus has been figuratively doing to you for the last two months.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-3 and his 27th homer. We’re sure those homers aren’t in metric, right?
Ricky Romero – 6 IP, 8 ER and his ERA is now up to 5.35. Whenever I heard Ricky Romero’s name, I thought of Vicki Vale. Well, hitters are doing The Batdance all over his face. Not only is he unstartable, he’s unownable.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-5 with his 5th homer. Now has two homers in the last three games. Just had a great idea. The Home Run Derby should be limited to hitters with 30 or less homers in their career. Like you wouldn’t tune in to see the final round between Nick Punto, Carlos Gomez and Michael Bourn. Plus, then we don’t have to worry about the dreaded Derby curse. Can even throw in a bonus that on the hitter’s final out, they can try and get an inside the park homer, but all 45 teenaged-contest-winning outfielders play the field. Imagine the 7 man relay throw home to try to catch Bourn… Will be like Johnny Damon’s in the outfield.
Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer as he bats .397. Also, hitting .500 over the last week. You know what’s delicious on a hot schmotato? Some Parmesan Ruggiano.
Will Middlebrooks – Sat out yesterday with a sore hammy. Betcha they wish they had Youuuuuuuuuk now. And his .233 average. Wait, is it up to .234? .235? Beast mode! But, see, this beast mode has a 4.
Mike Trout – Missed yesterday’s game with a jammed finger. I don’t understand. There were major league games still played? But why?
Howie Kendrick – 1-for-3 with a slam & legs. Wow, did it take Trout sitting out to get Kendrick hot? Was it cold there in Trout’s shadow? Is he the Angels’ Barbara Hersey? Lately, he’s been Otto Hitsswing as he’s hitting near-.400 over the last week and everyone who was left money in his will can’t collect just yet.
Erick Aybar – 2-for-4 and 7 for his last 14. To paraphrase Meg Ryan talking to Goose, “Hit for me now or I will lose you forever.” It’s 80’s movie night at Razzball!
Scott Downs – Got his 7th save yesterday. In 28 IP, he’s given up one run. The Angels basically have 2 of the top 10 closers in baseball. Frieri’s the closer. But Scioscia’s got a terrific bullpen so… Like Ziggy, if you got it, flaunt it.
Joey Votto – Sat out again yesterday with an inflamed knee. I’d prefer if the fire were lit under his ass and he got back on the field.
Todd Frazier – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs after hitting a homer on Sunday. This isn’t saying much but he’s been better than Mark Reynolds, and it’s saying something by saying it’s not saying much. See what I’m saying?
Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. I am completely and utterly convinced that Bailey doesn’t even know when he’s going to go out and throw a good game.
Chris Davis – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in his last three games. Must’ve felt Thome breathing down his neck, which is like being seated next to an overheating lawnmower that is rolling over onions.
Dustin Ackley – 1-for-3 with a slam and legs. Every 82 games, he’s money!
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. Some days you get Samardzija, and some days you get some agita.
James Russell – Got the save yesterday because Marmol had worked three days in a row. Marmol is surprisingly safe right now. Or as safe as your house after you tell a two strike felon you hide your spare key in a fake rock that reads, “Spare key.” Has two strikes and there’s not much to steal from you, but the danger is still always looming.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in the last three games. From what I learned about irony from Alanis, the Cubs woke up when they caught some Z’s.
Matt Moore – 7 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks. Wikipedia defines a quality start with this little tidbit, “ESPN.com terms a loss suffered by a pitcher in a quality start as a tough loss and a win earned by a pitcher in a non-quality start a cheap win.” This Moore win was a quality start but 12 baserunners and 3 Ks may not be cheap, but I think he was using one of those 20% off Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons.
Carlos Pena – 1-for-4 with a homer and his 2nd homer in the last three games. If this is what passes for a two hole table setter, I must be forked in the head.
Hideki Matsui – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring injury. Hopefully you got him out of your weekly lineups (4 years ago).
Yasmani Grandal – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer. Honestly (as if I’d lie to you), I don’t even care about the power or that his first name tastes good with chicken tikka masala, but the average is what I’m here for. To read more on him, see my Yasmani Grandal fantasy. I wrote it then put it through a Google Smart Person translator.
Alexi Amarista – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer in his last 3 games. The power won’t continue but here’s what I said about him in the past, “Here’s what Bud Black said Scioscia told him, “The first thing (Scioscia) said was this guy can play six positions, he can feel comfortable with them anywhere, he swings the bat and he has some speed, so that versatility plays much better in the National League.” Right, nothing at all like Maicer Izturis. With the Padres now having (n)O-Dog, Amarista has been playing 2nd base. In the minors, he hit for a decent average with speed. In the majors, I could see him having a .270 average with 25 steals. Definitely NL-Only grab. I’d hold for now in most mixed leagues.” And that’s me quoting me quoting Bud Black quoting Mike Scioscia!
Krispie Young – 1-for-4 with another homer. I’m happy for him (not really), but he still is hitting .215. Cust kayin’. Literally.
Allen Craig – 2 homers as the Rockies decided to bring their pitching on the road trip.
Kyle Lohse – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks as he lowers his ERA to 2.80. I’m almost certain Lohse has a tiny ear mic and Dave Duncan’s Cyrano’ing him through these games.
Tyler Colvin -1-for-4 with his 9th homer and over .400 in the last week. Since I’m currently starting Lind and Reynolds and some other schmohawks, I’m gonna take a flyer on Colvin. I’m telling you this so you know why he’s cooled off in the next few days.
Wilin Rosario – 2-for-4 with his 14th homer. Now has 3 homers in the last three games. ESPN says his poor average and defense could hurt his Rookie of the Year bid. The news blurb was credited to ESPN’s Guest Columnist, Bryce Harper.
Matt Capps – Perkins got the save yesterday, but Capps hopes to be back with the Twins right after the All-Star Break. The Twins hope that’s true so right right after the All-Star break they can trade him.
Justin Morneau – 1-for-5, 1 RBI as he bats .238 with 10 homers. Well, we had a nice April. *checking stats* Nah, we didn’t.