Matt Moore had the line of 5 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks. But he only allowed one walk! What? Like putting frosting on a doodie cupcake? Like eating only cupcakes for three weeks, then pooping into a cupcake pan? Do you eat the cupcake ingredients separate, then let them mix in your stomach? Does it matter? Either way, Moore was crap. If you thought he was a sub-2 ERA pitcher, you were lying to yourself. Remember, it’s okay to lie to others, dangerous when you lie to yourself. Moore’s xFIP is egregious, which meant he had some regressing to do. His walks are out of control — literally. His walks right now are Jonathan Sanchez bad. Yes, that made me shudder too. If you build a pitching staff house with a bunch of Jonathan Sanchezes, it’ll be shuttered. Hopefully, Moore’s next game vs. the Royals will stall further regression and he can cut his walks (and not just when he gets rocked). If Moore can’t get it together vs. the Royals, he’ll have a tough Red Sox, Yankees, Tigers stretch to get through that might need a lengthy benching, i.e. less Moore is more or less Moore. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Ben Zobrist – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Hopefully this is the start of something, since waiting for his power hasn’t been Zobrisk, baby.
Ike Davis – Was demoted to Triple-A. There, Ike will work on fundamentals like standing five inches closer to the plate. Maybe he should wear 3-D glasses to help his depth perception, as long as no one in the crowd has a paddle ball.
Matt Harvey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks on Saturday, but was removed with lower back tightness. Harvey says he’s right as rain. Then the entire eastern seaboard said there’s nothing right about all of this rain.
Bobby Parnell – 1 IP, 2 ER. Kazaam! He’s now given up runs in two of his last three appearances. I don’t think he’s necessarily out as closer, but I grabbed Lyon up, because I do my waiver wire pickups in an anti-gravity chamber.
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (2). Shades of Dale Murphy right there, when he’s usually Fifty Shades of Okay.
Jon Niese – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. If you waited almost two weeks for this start from Niese, you are a much more patient person than me. Maybe you can make my customer service calls for me next time because that always makes me lose it.
Giancarlo Stanton – Supposed to return today. I guess his functional running is ready to become really functional running. Of course, with my luck, he would return for probably the last start of Gallardo on my team.
Logan Morrison – 2-for-4 as he returned from the 60-day DL. Here’s what I said recently about him, “People keep asking me (maybe two people total), “What is going on with Morrison? Should we pick him up? Do you subscribe to the theory that sardine oil makes a mustache thicker?” In order: Morrison is currently working his way back to the majors and is about 10 days to two weeks away. You should pick him up in NL-Only leagues and mixed leagues deeper than 14 team. He’s been getting by for a while on good vibes and bad farts. He really hasn’t looked good since May of 2011. Sure, in July of 2011 he hit 6 homers, but also .212. Last year, he had an April of a .310 average and two homers. He hasn’t been 12-team mixed league viable in over two years. He’s coming back to play for the MIA Marlins in Crayola Canyon. Nothing is inspiring here. Yes, sardine oil can thicken your mustache, but make sure you tell your wife what you’re doing otherwise she might think you’re sleeping with your secretary.” And that’s me quoting me!
Derek Dietrich – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 5th homer. This was his 2nd homer in the last three games, though he did have a week’s worth of at-bats on Saturday when the Mets played a marathon, man, that was like watching Laurence Oliver pulling out a rotten tooth.
Alexi Ogando – To the DL with shoulder inflammation. To put that in a more literary manner, his shoulder burns after starting.
Ian Kinsler – Began hitting off a tee. Now he just has to work his way back through Pee Wees, Little League, High School, college and minors.
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4 with his 14th homer. Now has 4 homes in the last week. Don’t touch his head!
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Braun could take a cue from Cruz. If you’re doing ‘roids, at least look like you’re doing ‘roids.
Adam Lind – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s hitting about .500 over the last week. Anagramming Ralph would say, la di DAMN!
Pablo Sandoval -Will undergo an MRI on his left foot. When his left foot was asked what the problem is, the foot just motioned up.
Brandon Belt – 1-for-4 with a homer, his 7th. When compared to, say, Ike Davis, Belt has been all that and a bag of Funyons, but, in reality, he’s been unable to put together anything longer than a week of hotness here and there. I could see grabbing Belt if you’re struggling, but that’s partly because I feel like Belt has it in him to be solid, without much evidence to back that up.
Chad Gaudin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks and his second straight solid start as he fills in for Vogelsong. Gauddamn that’s some good pitching! He gets the Braves next — belch — but the Marlins at home after that — mmm, that burp tastes like guac.
Marco Scutaro – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, as he hits .332. As the sign at a prude brothel reads, therein lies the rub. Solid for counting stats, but two homers? Non-guac-tasting burp.
Tyler Skaggs – 5 IP, 5 ER. See you again when you get your shizz together. Until then…Ta!
Lucas Harrell – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K vs. Luis Mendoza with a line of 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. This Royals-Astros game was viewed by almost 20,000 people. Mendoza and Harrell have very large extended families.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. His ERA on the year is 2.00 and WHIP is at 0.89. Complaining about his K-rate is like bitching your wallet is too heavy.
Jayson Werth – 4-for-7, 1 run, 2 RBIs in the doubleheader. Does his name value mean anything? Okay, if it does, it means more than his fantasy value.
Tyler Flowers – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in the last three games. April Flowers brought May hitting the showers early, but he could be getting hot again.
Coco Crisp – 1-for-4 with his 7th homer. Soak up all his stats now while he’s healthy. That would get Coco B. Fair’s parrot, Frankie, to squawk.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers. He doesn’t have nearly the same counting stats, but he has 8 homers and a .273 average vs. Napoli’s 9 homers and a .263. This reminds me of when The Platters had beef with The Coasters. Only Salty vs. Napoli war is called, What Can You Do Wop?
David Ortiz – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Having a great year at 37, which just shows his biogenetics.
Mike Carp – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer, and 2nd in as many games, hitting over .400 in the last week. He’s a platoon player, but so, more or less, is Lind, and Carp has been just as hot of a schmotato.
Chris Perez – Will throw off the mound on Tuesday, and could return in a few weeks. This comes on the heels of the news that he had a shipment of marijuana arrive at his house addressed to his dog, Brody. Brody said — through a translator — that he couldn’t find a good section of grass to roll around in, so he took matters into his own paws. Brody then went on with this paranoid rant about what if this world, as we know it, is just the neighbor’s dog’s dream?
Zach McAllister – Will miss 2-4 weeks with a sore middle finger. Personally, I’ve never met a friendly middle finger, they’re all sore.
Ryan Raburn – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games. He’s a platoon player that faces lefties, which is a tissue. You know, a LOOGY killer.
Austin Jackson – Hopes to return by next weekend. Considering he’s been out for almost a month, it’s about time, Inaction Jackson.
Jose Alvarez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks as he filled in for Anibal while he tries to mend a sore shoulder. Alvarez’s minor league numbers up until this year are yawnstipating. Always been solid with his control, but this year he’s’ getting Ks with no walks. That me likey. His stuff, no likey so much. He looks destined to be a reliever that caught the Indians ill-prepared. Depending how long Anibal is out, Alvarez is nothing but an AL-Only flyer. And if in your league AL stands for the first two letters of a player’s last name, he’s even more valuable.
Don Kelly – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. LL Donkey!
Jeff Locke – 5 2/3 IP, 1 Hit, 7 Walks, 6 Ks. With all of those BBs, he’s lucky he didn’t shoot his eyes out.
Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. I’ve been waiting for this game for about two months now. He’s been crazy unlucky for the entire season and all he might need is a confidence boost. He gets the Mess in Metco next time out. Stream-o-Nator likes that start and so do I.
Brett Gardner – 4-for-5, 1 RBI and his 10th steal. And he don’t take no jive from no Western Union messenger. Don’t get it? Guess you needed to Being There.
David Phelps – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the M’s. Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario, streamed him for this game. Great, awesome, adjective, but I dropped him for a different streamer already.
Ryan Braun – Exited the game with thumb soreness. This is the same injury he’s been nursing for weeks. When you’re nursing a thumb injury, you look like Linus and your fantasy value smells like Pigpen.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and 11th homer. This was his first homer since May 27th and his average has fallen 70 points in the last month. Granted, his overall numbers still look solid at .316 with 11 homers and 12 steals. I think his average will be .270 by July 1st. I’m willing to put imaginary money below where my ‘stache resides.
Kyle Lohse – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Phillies. I usually only mention what team a pitcher went against when the team is really good or really bad. So, what does vs. the Phillies mean? Well, if you can get out Domonic Brown, they don’t mean a whole lot. Their only offense yesterday was Humberto Quintero. The most interesting thing about him is he weighs exactly a quarter more than Humberto Quadtero.
Jim Henderson – 1 IP, 0 ER as he returned from the DL. I see no reason why the Brewers won’t return him to the closer role, but it’s worth holding K-Rod until one of them gets another save. I’d hold K-Rod loosely though because he will body slam you. “Member what I did to my stepfather? What makes you think you got carte Blanche Devereaux?!” That’s K-Rod who is a big Golden Girls fan.
Dexter Fowler – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 11th steal. Rudy recapping our Tout Wars draft, “I rejected Grey’s suggestion of (drafting) Adam Jones because I think he is a member of the Bernie Williams/Curtis Granderson/Dexter Fowler All-Stars (seemingly fast guys who just are not good at stealing bases).” And that’s me burning Rudy’s ears!
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. While a bomb is nice, it’s not great when the only hit they get is a homer. Pujols has now had five homers where it was the only hit he got in that game. If his heel is still barking, I wouldn’t be surprised if he hits the DL or if Brody Perez starts humping it.
Josh Hamilton – 0-for-5, hitting .212. Everything was in place for him to have a huge season, but he’s so cold Hamilton goes Burr, showing the duality of man.
Adam Jones – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer as he hits .306. On our Player Rater, he’s the 5th best outfielder, right after Carlos Gonzalez, Davis, Trout and Brown. Solid company to keep, assuming the host has ordered enough for five guys and not four.
J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .270. Not sure what’s crazier, that he’s batting third, or that it makes sense. As the fireman says, I’ll go with the latter.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs with his 10th homer. Meanwhile, his compadre in old, Carlos Beltran went 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. I like this friendly rivalry they have going on. Maybe they can send a raven to Pujols.
Erik Kratz – To the DL after hearing ‘some pop’ in his left knee. If I heard any Michael Jackson from my knee, I’d be alarmed too.
Chase Utley – Says he should be ready in about a week. Wait until he returns to find out the Phillies are only going with one hitter a game.
Dan Uggla – 2-for-2, 4 RBIs and two homers (13) and third in the last two games, as he raises his average to .193. Even though I admittedly have no idea what ESPN ownership numbers mean, he’s not at 100% owned, but he should be, because it looks like he’s about to go on one of his crazy streaks.
Yasiel Puig – 3-for-5. This little Puiggy went wee, wee, wee all the way to Cooperstown.
Hanley Ramirez – Has been sitting out with a recurrence of his hamstring injury and is now headed for an MRI. Too bad that 20% of the 30% he gives every game happens to be in his hamstring. Hanley said, “I just want to get back on the field…Oh, I now realize how that sounds, sorry. I mean, I want to get my back on the field. I wanna lay in the grass like Brody Perez.”
Matt Kemp – Mattingly said he “hit a little bit of a snag” in his rehab. Imagine his health is a sweater with two kittens laying in chaise lounge chairs. Okay, now picture he snagged it and the sweater unraveled and now it’s two headless kittens. He’s not so purrfect.