Not that there’s anything wrong about being from NJ. Both Rudy and I are proud to be from NJ, though not in NJ. NJ ex-pats are great. We spread our love of high-haired women and capicola around the country. As for Jay Bruce, he’s sucking on the ol’ suckhole. You can say that again, but please don’t just say it again cause that’s lame; I really don’t like when people do that. Okay, random italicized voice. Though I have cut back to three cups of coffee a day, so that’s helped with my patience. Can I continue? Yup. We’re all on the same page that it’s only two weeks into the season, right? If Bruce had 12 homers in April and went into a two week slump, you’d care? Well, probably a little, but c’mon. It’s insane the amount of people in comments and our fantasy baseball forums ready to jump ship on Bruce. There’s no projection changes on him. He’s a hair away from what you’re going to get from Nelson Cruz. If you can trade a sucker owner seventy cents on the dollar for Bruce, you do that all day and twice on Muesday. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
David Murphy – Probably the number one hitter pick-up this week. How’s dem apples? Delicious! Murphy is worth a grab in all leagues while Hamilton tries to find someone to blame for his fragile body and awkward headfirst slide. Isn’t the first step accepting personal responsibility for your own shortcomings?
Sam Fuld – The other shoe is gonna drop any day now and Fuld will go back to hunting wabbits and being unownable.
Johnny Damon – I know, exciting! Next I’m gonna tell you to eat your vegetables and wear aqua socks in the locker room to avoid Athlete’s foot. The entire Rays offense started the season a week and a half late, Damon included. He’s far from a huge upside play, but he should be owned in more than 20% of leagues.
Daniel Murphy – Middle infidel options this week are boring with a dash of yawnstipating. The Mets seemed to figure out Emaus is sick as in unhealthy, not sick as in sick.
Maicer Izturis – Hey, hey, how ya doing? Maicer, what goes on, Maicer? Tomorrow, it’s Saturday, Saturday, it’s a Saturday. And it’s time for some bleh stats from Maicer.
Jamey Carroll – Um… Let’s see what positive I can say. He has a hot girl name? Yeah, I got nothing. He’s playing. That’s it.
Jed Lowrie – People seem to love good ol’ Jed. Well, move to Beverly Hills! He’s a pretty light hitting MI. Not much more than Polanco even with everyday ABs. He is hitting and playing right now though.
Jon Herrera – Won’t continue to be as valuable as he’s been this week, but he does have speed. SAGNOF!
David Freese – Lost Zimmerman? Turn your FML into YML (Yay My Life)! For a limited time only, Freese will adequately fill in with the outside chance of staying productive for the whole year.
Wilson Betemit – He’s an Own While Hitting, which needs a snappier name and it might find its way into the glossary.
Brian Fuentes – How is he owned in less than 40% of ESPN leagues? Did Andrew Bailey sign up for 60% of ESPN leagues?
Sean Burnett – Riggleman, who is not related to the Jigga man, says Storen will share chances, but Burnett is actually, ya know, getting saves.
Kyle Farnsworth – For those sitting in the back of the room, chewing on gum and passing notes, Farnsworth is the Rays closer.
Matt Thornton/Chris Sale/Sergio Santos – Mergio Thornsale is getting saves for the Pale Hose and they’re runny.
Chris Narveson – Was in last week’s Buy/Sell, is in this week’s, will he wear the Three Wolf Moon shirt and go for the Pat Riley-patented three-peat next week?
Zach Britton – You got your tickets for Wootstock, you eat Jujubes like they’re your acne medicine and Britton has been on your team since he was a junior in high school. Fair enough. For those non-mavericks reading along, you can add him, just watch out for certain match-ups.
Wilson Ramos – There was a pop group in Venezuela who translated all of Wilson Phillips’ music into Spanish. Their name was Wilson Ramos. A singer in Wilson Ramos was the daughter of the lead singer from the Mamis Y Papis. That is all completely true. The Nats have a lot of nothing with “At One Time My Nickname Pudge Was Literal Because of Steroids” Rodriguez. Ramos has a 12-homer bat. NL-Only or two catcher leagues take notice.
Vernon Wells – In my rankings, I said, “I wouldn’t draft Wells with your team. Ain’t worth the headache.” Take an aspirin and lose Wells.
Austin Jackson – I call this Sell column, “I told you I didn’t like these guys three months ago, except for Alvarez.” Jackson doesn’t have the crazy speed like some SAGNOF’ers, isn’t a good average guy despite last year and has little power. I.e., bleh, blech, belch.
Chone Figgins – I hate to dump him outright, so I’m not suggesting that. See if you can sell him to anyone for anything. Well, anything but Jamey Carroll.
Pedro Alvarez – I’m concerned, friends. He might hit .220 this year. I’m not telling you to drop him, but I’d see if I could sell him to someone who thinks they’re buying low. BTW, The other day I fielded a Pedro Alvarez question in person. So I met a girl who plays fantasy baseball. Of course, I thought this was terrific. Then I went out on a date with her and it felt like I was dating Random Razzball Commenter. “Do you like sushi?” “Um, yeah, yeah…So when I DL Hamilton, would you pick up David Murphy?” “Sure, wanna order edamame?” “That’s fine…” She looks at her cellphone, “Hey, Ben Francisco’s available too. And what do I do with Pedro Alvarez?” I want to thank all of you for ruining what should have been a great date.