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Mookie Betts was 5-for-5 and drove in two runs Friday night. It was the first five-hit game of his career and the number of pets in New England being named Mookie is climbing quicker than his batting average. Let me gush about Betts for a minute, even though it might be tough because I know Xander is reading. (Do not worry, you are still my number 1, Awesome-X.) Mookie is slashing .320/.360/.557 with 28 homers, 93 RBI, 21 steals, and 99 runs scored. He is the only reason I am winning anything fantasy baseball this year and he is an early favorite for AL MVP. I tell all my real life friends, who are definitely all real life humans and not people I just made up for the purposes of the post, that Mookie Betts is my spirit animal. However, I was recently told I can’t say this because I’m not Native American and if you ain’t Native you can’t have spirit animals. That’s their thing. Quit trying to take their thing. Well, I just did San Pedro cactus and tripped out in the desert last weekend, does that mean I’m a real native now or nah? At the very least I’d hold it makes me much more spiritual. In the past two weeks, Betts is hitting .387 with 12 runs scored, 5 homers, 18 RBI and 3 steals. If those numbers don’t bring you existential enlightenment, I’m not sure a psychedelic cactus or a sweat lodge will either. He’s hitting close to .400 in August as he attempts to carry the Sawx to the promised land aka the postseason. In addition, since moving from lead off to clean up over the past week and a half he’s only gotten better, slashing .400/.455/.550 with two jacks and 8 RBI. I love Mookie Betts more than I could ever love a human baby. I think I am feeling more spiritual already.

Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball Friday night:

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Daniel Hudson – 1.0 IP, 3 hits, ER, BB, K, BS. He was officially unofficially appointed the closer in Arizona so of course he blows the save. Of course! Enrique Burgos may be terrible, but I wouldn’t be shocked if Randall Delgado gets the next save chance. Still Hudson has been extremely solid lately before yesterday’s gaff, and I would fully expect he gets another shot. He was a BUY so pick him up if you need saves and you hate yourself.

Brandon Finnegan – 6.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 12 K. More like Finnegan’s Woke! You hear that, James Joyce? Brandon now has back-to-back quality starts, allowing just 2 ER over 13 IP with a 20/4 K/BB ratio. He gets the lowly Angels next week. Would bang.

Jose Peraza – 2-for-6, RBI. He was a BUY! Click the link and read for yourself. That’s how the internet works! Magic!

Luke Weaver – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, ER, 2 BB, 7 K, W. The first major league win for the young padawan and definitely his best start to date. Perhaps he took my advice and used the force. Did you know, this works with anyone named Luke? Sure it was the A’s, but he gets the Brewers next week and I might give him another look.

Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-4, HR (22), 2 RBI. He was a BUY. In the past two weeks Jedd is batting .286 with 13 runs, 7 homers and 13 RBI. The Gyorko store called, Jedd’s are 10% off this week only! Grab him before some other Gyorko does.

Evan Gattis – 2-for-4, HR (21). He’s homered in back-to-back games. I dropped Matt Wieters for Gattis when Matt he went on paternity leave. Not because there’s much of a difference here production wise, but because if I’m going to own an average catcher I’d prefer he’d be one who eats garbage.

Orlando Arcia – 1-for-4, HR (1), 3 RBI. His first big league homer! Someone get this kid a Miller High Life! If Orlando Arcia is a glimpse of what the future holds for Milwaukee then oh boy, we might be here a while.

Chris Sale – 9.0 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, 14 K, L. After a rough start Chris settled in to retire the final 16 batters at one point striking out six in a row. Ya, Chris went all AWOLNATION Friday night. SALE! This is how he shows his loooove. He blames it on his team because. Blame it on throwback uniiiis, babeeee! SALE!

Felix Hernandez – 7.1 IP, 8 hits, ER, 2 BB, 5 K, W. Oh hey. Way to not completely ruin my season there! No really, I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic I’m just a bitter person in general.

Edwin Diaz – 1.2 IP, 3 K, SV (11). Ed-Di is rocking a 2.15 ERA with 69/13 K/BB ratio and has yet to blow a save. Sounds like someone could potentially be a closer we all draft too high next year!

Roberto Perez – 4-for-5, run, 3 RBI. It was a night to remember for the Cleveland offense, I just still have a hard time remembering who exactly is in this Cleveland offense. The Injians scored 11 runs on 17 hits including four from Perez, three from Carlos Santana, and Abraham Almonte was 3-for-5, with 2 runs and 4 RBI. Talk about a good old fashioned hometown community pow pow. Let’s give them the chop!

Ryan Schmipf – 1-for-2, HR (15), 2 RBI. I told you to pick him up last week. How many home runs has he hit since I told you to grab him? Just the one, you say? Yep, sure sounds like my fantasy advice!

Asdrubel Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 HR (15), 3 RBI. Asdrubal has been on point since returning from the DL last week. Not only has he hit safely in all but one game since his return (11-for-28), but he’s also scored 3 runs, driven in seven and even stole a base. And the defense. Oh man, don’t get me started. I know how you fantasy baseballers get worked up over defense and As-Cab’s glove is lit right now. He’s available all over, grab him if you need defense.

Cesar Hernandez – 1-for-5, run, 2 RBI. He’s a BUY! He’s a lead off hitter! He’s a famous Roman politician and timeless literary figure. All these things are true except one, I won’t tell you which one, but two out of three is still pretty good!

Justin Upton – 2-for-4, HR (17), 2 RBI. He’s hitting .417 in the past week with four homers, 11 RBI and a steal! He’s finally playing better than his brother. It’s because you dropped him isn’t it? He knows. Justin always knows. I want to be mad at you for destroying my season, but you are sort of carrying me to the playoffs right now. Can I wait until after I’m out to full-on hate you? I can!? Youdabest, Justin.

Cameron Maybin – 3-for-4, HR (3). Remember when I told you to buy him four months ago!? Wow, I gave really helpful advice that one time!

Steven Wright – 6.0 IP, 7 hits 5 ER, 3 BB, K. When your knuckle baller returns from the DL and you’re not sure if you can trust him anymore.

Justin Smoak – 3-for-5, HR (14), 5 RBI. The Jays had a day as they scored 15 runs. Josh Donaldson, Darwin Barney and Russell Martin also homered. When the Smoak is on fire.

Russell Martin – 2-for-5, HR (15), 5 RBI. Hey remember above when I mentioned Martin homered? Here it is in his very own blurb. He gets his singled out because yesterday was a slow fantasy day and I need to fill space, but also because he’s batting .375 with 7 homers, 10 runs and 19 RBI in the past two weeks. The guy is an absolute masher right now! Sweet sassy molassy!

Francisco Liriano – 5.0 IP, 2 hits, 3 ER, 4 BB, 7 K, W. I guess he is ownable again. And he’s got a cushy start versus Tampa next week. If you’re desperate like me, I could see grabbing him, but I might try dating apps first. With Bumbler, the pitchers have to make the first move before you add them.

Daniel Murphy – 1-for-3, 2 runs, HR (25), 2 RBI. When I consider my Fantasy MVP, I’m not just thinking of the best player all-around stat-wise, I’m talking about draft value. I’m talking about a player you probably drafted in like the 16th round who bat .280 with 14 homers last year, who ends up being the best player on your team. Murphy leads the NL with a .346 AVG,  slashing .346/.390/.615 25 dingers and 98 RBI. That’s what I’m talking about. That’s my fantasy MVP.

Kris Bryant – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 HR (35), 3 RBI including the go-ahead HR in 10th inning. THE POWER OF KRIS COMPELS ME! THE POWER OF KRIS COMPELS ME! For reals though, 35 homers and 107 runs, he is quite compelling.

Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 2 HR (31). In two years he’ll be a Yankee. In 20 years, all players will be Yankees. In 20 million years, after the collapse of our sun, we will all be dead, and everything we accomplished, built, and discovered as a species will be forgotten. Until then, best to fill your time with trivial nonsense like fake sports while you wait for your own death. Oblivion is inevitable. It’s a wonder why we even bother? Oh no, I think I’ve got another case of the sads coming on! A little beers and a few uppers will put out that fire!

Luis Cessa – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, BB, 5 K, W 4-0. I don’t trust him either, but he looked pretty sharp against a tough Orioles line up and I’d consider streaming him in Kansas City next week. Says who? Cessa me!

Gary Sanchez – 3-for-5, 3 runs, HR (10), 4 RBI. ALL HE DOES IS HIT HOME RUNS! New York’s new Sanchize now has 10 homers in 22 games, including five in the past week! He is winning your fantasy league right now. Or have you moved on to football yet? Three wide receivers to start the draft, eh? That’s a bold move, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off. At this point all the other Yankees could probably retire because Gary should play all the positions. The kid is that good!

Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!