Jackie Bradley Jr. walked three times in one game. Have you people forgotten he walked three times…IN ONE GAME! Yeah, that’s old news for the Sons of Sam Horn. They have a new fish to park in Harvard Yard. There’s going to be a new man in Bo’ town soon. The master of no disaster, the king of that’s a purdy swing, the man who once impregnated a lady by looking at her while he was in the batter’s box, Mookie Betts. Oh, you better, you better, you Betts! I usually don’t get caught up in the thrill of the rookie chase (Ha! Of course I do, I’m a damn fool!), but this one looks like he might be mollywhopping like, well, a middle infielder and stealing bases like, well, a middle infielder. Now, now, no deflating. He does look like he can be special and should have middle infield eligibility, which ups the how’s your father just a bit. He stole 22 bases in 54 games in Double-A, but he was completely overmatching people there. Okay, in Triple-A, he’s doing the same. He’s putting up Atari numbers everywhere he goes in the minor leagues. Hard to imagine it continues in the majors, but, if it did, he’d be a 15-homer, 35-steal guy. Sounds like another Red Sox middle infielder from once upon a time ago (no, not dyslexic Ramon). The one that they shipped off to Florida (Hanley Ramirez). If Mookie is available in your league and you have room, I’d stash him. It sounds like he could be up in the landmark case of sooner vs. later. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Adam Lind – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, batting .342. It’s not like it’s April 4th and he’s three-for-something-that-would-make-his-average-.342. Lind, uh, got stats so why look at him, thinking, “You’re no good.” Will he continue to hit around .350? That’ll be the day! Could he go on a power tear at any moment? It’s so easy! He’s being benched vs. lefties, but it’s better for his numbers in the long run. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t platoon him in daily leagues. Roy Orbison would even say he’s a better Blue Jayou than he ever was.
Jose Reyes – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .267. I haven’t seen him get this hot since that 12-game stretch between DL stints in 2009.
J.A. Happ – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof, because he’s Happ. I hope that song annoys you as much as me and now it’s stuck in your head.
Adam Eaton – Left yesterday’s game with cramps. Whenever I’ve been around anyone that’s dealt with cramps, they usually just eat a ton of ice cream, watch Scandal and cut out of magazines outfits they want to buy.
Hanley Ramirez – Had an MRI before last night’s game. Then, around game time, he was seen in street clothes, so people naturally assumed the MRI was bad news. Those same people don’t know Hanley’s got the motivation of a slug. His MRI came back clean. He was in his street clothes because that’s how Hanley do.
Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Josh Beckett (7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks). One guy has an ERA of 2.01 and one guy has an ERA of 2.11. Can you tell which is which? It’s a trick question. It doesn’t matter, both of their ERAs are insane. Bring back steroids, please!
C.J. Cron – Yesterday, he sat out. In his last five games, he has three homers and is hitting over .400. *shakes fist at sky* The Sciosciapath! I own Cron, but if he sits too regularly vs. righties, I will need to reevaluate. For those that don’t think Scioscia will bench him that much, Scioscia regularly benched Napoli for five years.
Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd steal. Pretty torn on the steals. They’re nice and all, but if it’s going to put undue stress on his foot, ankle, knee, back, arm, hip, groin, oblique or the hundreds of other nagging injuries I’m hoping stay at bay for the season, then I could do without the steals.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd steal. He’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column. Why? Because he’s flippin’ awesome. Act like you know, MC Lyte!
Daniel Santana – Day-to-day with a knee bone bruise. Twins have a plethora of options to fill-in for him. Like that one guy that had that hit once, and that other guy that looks like that one guy but hits like a minor leaguer. Hey, here he is now…
Jorge Polanco – Twins called up their 20-year-old prospect. Usually when I write about a 20-year-old prospect being called up, they must be good, otherwise why call them up? Then you have the Twins. Oh, Twins, you poor, misguided team. They called up a guy that most prospect people say shouldn’t be up until 2016! Polanco did have five homers and eight steals this year. In High-A! Doode’s one step removed from your fast-pitch after-work league.
Joe Mauer – 3-for-5, 1 run and 3 RBIs. Really starting to hit his stride now! His 25 RBIs on the year ties him with Hector Sanchez for 140th overall in the majors. Only one more RBI to catch Ryan Hanigan and Jed Lowrie!
Chris Parmelee – 3-for-4. Just another day in the park! Seriously. That’s where they play baseball. How did you not know that?
Mike Leake – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks. The Leake Inherits The Earth. There’s your title, if you thought Leake was going to get the lede today. Maybe he should’ve but I got all jazzed on Betts. You better, you better, you Betts! It won’t get out of my head and I don’t want it to, ever. Leake did pitch outstanding. No dur. He has a 3.41 ERA on the year and a 3.33 xFIP and a 6.98 K/9 and a 1.91 BB/9. What that means in plain English? That was English. I don’t speak another language so it must’ve been. Could you check again? See, English. Without the fancy numbers, it means he’s a solid fantasy number three.
Adam Duvall – 1-for-4 with a home run as he was called up. Hey, it’s Tom Hagen. Hey, Tom Hagen. Say hello to your mother for me. Duvall’s numbers at Triple-A are bonkers. He had 23 homers in 67 games. Yes, that’s as crazy as it sounds. Then again, it was in the PCL where it’s like hitting with aluminum bats on the moon. He also might hit .220. In NL-Only leagues, I’d grab him for some power, but when Pagan returns, Duvall’s probably gone like Jimmy Caan.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4 and his 21st homer. Fifteen more to go!
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer. Do you ever say his last name really fast in a Latin accent and pretend you’re in West Side Story? Hmm, guess it’s just me.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer. OZUNA eat homer for dinner, OZUNA take early evening nap, homer filled with carbohydrates.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, raising his ERA to 2.84 as he took on Tom Koehler (6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks), lowering his ERA to 3.70. This was a matchup billed as Cole vs. Koehler, the Irregular Adjective showdown. One has been good, one has been better. One has come far, one has come further. One knows how to pitch, one is a pitcher.
Chase Utley – 3-for-7, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Cougs took me out with one of Mother Cougar’s friends the other day and she told me about how one of her friends’ daughters is married to Utley. Let’s just say I didn’t relay this Utley anecdote.
Ben Revere – 3-for-6, 1 run and his 21st steal. Must be weird for Rollins, Howard and Utley to have Revere on their team since they played against his dad, Paul.
Bud Norris – Hit the DL with a right groin strain. How many groins does that man have?! Norris will only miss two starts, but it will give Kevin Gausman another few starts to show he should not be the odd man out of a rotation that Showalter was willing to go to a six-man for with Johan Santana! This still makes no sense to me. Signed, Perplexed in Los Angeles.
Wily Peralta – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. Not terrible for a game in Coors. Oh, they were facing the Rockies in Miller Park. Oopsie.
Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Hitting over .450 in the last week with three homers. Of course, he was in Coors part of that time and facing Rockies pitching just about the whole time.
Scooter Gennett – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, a pinch hit-homer. It’s so disgusting that Roenicke ever benches Gennett. Sure, Rickie Weeks hit a homer yesterday too. But I don’t care! It’s ridunk. Grey out (to next blurb).
Nolan Arenado – Will take batting practice on Friday then go out for shakes afterwards.
Krispie Young – Homered three times in last two games, so, of course, I grab him for the batty call and Terry Collins benches him for the returning Juan Lagares (1-for-4). Damn, I wish Terry Collins wasn’t trying to get fired.
Lucas Duda – 1-for-4, and his 12th homer, 4th homer in his last seven games, 2nd in last two games, 3rd in last four games. Okay, he’s hit like 17 homers in the last 24 hours, so, yes, he will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you don’t need to wait for that.
Francisco Liriano – Threw a 30-pitch bullpen session. Said he felt good. Oh yeah? And how did you feel about ruining fantasy owners ratios for two months? Did you feel good about that? Well, did you? Never forget!
Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Mess. Well, the Mets seemed like they got hot there for a second, but then hard habits are hard to break. Was that a Chicago song? I’m not sure Worley is staying in the rotation with the return of Cole; I’m not sure you should care anyway.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (4). Seriously, never heard of him! Is this guy supposed to be good? Who is he? Any relation to Placido Polanco? Jeff Keppinger who is Blanco Polanco? Tsuyoshi Nishioka who is Pracido Poranco?
Rick Porcello – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the 1972 Rangers. Stream-o-Nator didn’t love yesterday’s start for Porcello, nor is it crazy about his next one. I only go to SON for him because I really don’t think you can trust him. No matter the results yesterday.
Miguel Cabrera – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. He’s looked almost human this year, and, sadly, as I said in the rankings five months ago, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the last time we see Miggy as the best player in baseball. Oh, he’s not bad (.325, 13 homers). Just not Miggy Miggy. No stutter, different inflection.
Mike Minor – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.50 as he was soundly beat by Jarred Cosart (7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks), whose ERA is at 3.60. So, my question to you is who do you want on your fantasy team: Verlander, Matt Cain and Minor or Cosart, Keuchel and McHugh? That’s a riddle for the Sphinx! I wasn’t being facetious. If there’s someone in Egypt, please ride your camel over to the Sphinx and ask it. I await its answer.
B.J. Upton – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 12th steal. If only there was a spot in the lineup above leadoff for Fredi to put Upton, he so deserves it!
George Springer – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer. I was reading in my copy of The Atlantic monthly about globalization and how the world got smaller and I thought about how there’s someone in Chile right now talking about how Jorge Primavera homered yesterday, but when they put this blurb through Google Translate it changes Jorge Primavera back to George Springer and they have no idea who George Springer is. Deep Thoughts with Grey Albright.
Matt Dominguez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, but 0-for-20 coming into this game. Aw, shucks, I thought Dominguez only hit homers on Sunday. Guess he would’ve been the batty call to make. Yes, I’m still stuck on that, leave me alone!
Jose Altuve – 2-for-4, 2 runs and 2 steals (29, 30). On his 2nd steal, he actually overran the base by twelve steps. Luckily, his steps are only a half centimeter each.
Jon Singleton – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .208. Damn, Singleton should be filming a re-remake of Shaft called, Cut Your K-Rate In Haft.
Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Ruggiano and Parmelee did well on the same day? Sorry, I won’t go there, that’s cheesy.
Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .291. For those of you in the back row who don’t pay as close attention as others. I’ve loved Rizzo since early December and I said in the rankings, “Wanna find a guy that could be Au Shizz this year? Here’s your guy.” And that’s me linking and quoting me!
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-3, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Get him in your lineup!” I’ll add quickly, because he will get injured again by Sunday.
Bryce Harper – Aiming to return on Monday. Hide your fences and put away your first row of seats now, Nationals, or Harper will run into them.
Doug Fister – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, raising his ERA to 2.83 vs. Travis Wood (6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.52). With Fister vs. Wood, every guy in the stands watched the game with their legs crossed.