Yost would tell you that Holland is still the closer, but Kelvin Herrera should be the closer in KC. No, there’s no official closer change, but it’s obvious. You really only had to watch the last two games for confirmation, and Malcolm Gladwell would tell you to Blink. In his last game, Holland took the save to the very brink. Herrera had opposing hitters’ bats in the clink. In my daily diet, I eat mutton, it’s high in zinc. I call my therapist, Saran, and this is my shrink…rap! Sorry, I just mentally transported back to my days of Bum wine and roses when I thought I was black and I’d start freestyling. Every teenager who thinks they’re cool right now, so did I and now I’m a fantasy baseball blogger. Muahahahahaha… So, what I began saying was Yost can say whatever he wants on the Royals closer situation, but Herrera is the better pitcher right now, and he could be a Donkeycorn by the middle of May. I would continue to hold Holland, but Kelvin should be owned, as well. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alex Sanabia – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. Burp. That’s an onamatosanabia.
Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Minor and Medlen are the new M&M boys. They don’t play hungover, carouse, drunk dial Marilyn Monroe or make faces behind Yogi Berra’s back when he’s mangling a familiar phrase. But the new M&M boys are still Medlen and Minor. Get used to it!
Evan Gattis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and another home run. Trading out cardboard for a batter’s box is working out pretty well for him. When Gattis was walking the earth like Ricky Williams who was walking the earth like Jules from Pulp Fiction who was walking the earth like Caine in Kung Fu, I wonder if Gattis had any idea that one day he’d be spoken in the same sentence as Ron Popeil. Prolly not.
Juan Francisco – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. In the preseason, I liked Juan-Fran and Chris Johnson, who went 2-for-5 with one RBI, but was concerned about their playing time. They’re both getting everyday ABs right now. Yup.
Joel Hanrahan – Blew his first save when he gave up two dingers and 5 ER. It’s like closers went from the standard 3 ER count to a King Kong Bundy 5 ER count. Hanrahananananananan will remain the closer for now, but if you need to handcuff him, Bailey has been fine. Though, he talks in a really annoying Jimmy Stewart voice.
Daniel Nava – 1-for-3, 2 runs and now has three homers in three games. After his first homer, I told you to pick him up for a little hot schmotato action. You waiting until he’s no longer hitting to grab him?
Brandon League – 1 IP, 2 unearned runs but got the save. See, Hanrahananananananan, that’s how it’s done. You get to the two count then put your leg on the rope.
Chad Billingsley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks as he returned from the DL. Before we all start giving Bills a reach around on the waiver wire, this start was in Petco. Rudy drafted Bills for us in a few leagues, so I hope he gives a 3.80-ish ERA with a 7+ K-rate. I wouldn’t expect more.
A.J. Ellis – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run, breaking the zero-zero tie with Mark Ellis, leaving him on an Ellis island all his own.
Marwin Gonzalez – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer in as many games. Bo Porter, as played by Kevin Kline, said Marwin deserves more playing time. That’s awesome, terrific, adjective until you realize he’s talking about a guy that may give you an 6/6 season over the whole season. Marwin could be a hot schmotato, but the emphasis is on the schmo part.
Chris Carter – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer in the last two games. His similarities to Ryan Howard are uncanny (he also looks like Mark Curry from Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper), so a .240 average is a possibility for Carter, but so is 40 homers. Giddy up!
Homer Bailey – 5 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks, as the dreaded aptronym came into play with him giving up 3 homers. He left the game after taking a liner off his ankle, but it was more the liners going over the fence on why he was removed. He should be fine for his next start. Fine is obviously relative to ‘saying uncle’ Bailey.
Jake Westbrook – 9 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Still has yet to give up a run in 15 2/3 IP this year. The Dave Duncan fairy dust Westbrook bought off eBay is working out nicely. Just don’t tell him it’s really Lenny Dykstra’s grandmother’s ashes. “Nails gotta buy some stamps at the prison commissary!”
Matt Adams – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in 2 days. We don’t own him in any leagues because of what Rudy said to me during a draft. Matt Adams’s fans, who go by the name aDDams Family and dress like characters from the show while wearing over-sized bras, are praying for a Beltran or Craig injury, but right now he’s only a semi-regular.
Matt Carpenter – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as Carpenter dropped the hammer and nailed his 1st home run. Too bad it’s cold there in Adams’s shadow. That’s not some metaphorical Beaches shizz; Adams is a walking solar eclipse. Carpenter is a solid middle infield option for counting stats and average. I wouldn’t expect much power.
Scott Sizemore – Out for the season after re-tearing his ACL. With the luck that has befell Grady, Scott and Tom Sizemore, Chris Costner Sizemore better watch her three backs.
Eric Sogard – Should get the majority of the at-bats, replacing Sizemore. If you pick up Sogard, you will be Sobored.
Brandon Moss – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .400 on the year. Obviously you need to bench him against tough lefties (as the A’s do), but I regret picking him up for one game and then dropping him. Learn from my mistakes and I don’t just mean not sticking with pre-med or pre-law or pre-anything.
David Ortiz – Aiming for an April 19th return. That should finish off JBJ’s value much like the other JBJ’s value was zapped when he starred in Pay It Forward and cut his hair.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 0-for-2, hitting .130. You realize all the excitement about him was because he walked three times in Opening Day. Y’all a bunch of Michael Lewises! Lewii? Whatever.
Stephen Drew – 0-for-4 as he was activated. Good to see him pick up right where he left off.
Ryan Madson – Could face hitters within two weeks, but still is at least a month away from being back with the Angels. Conservatively, I’ll say he gets his first save for the Angels in the middle of June. Libertarianly, I say let the fans choose their closer.
Mike Trout – 1-for-4 with his 1st steal. Now hitting .278 (on a scale).
Jonathan Sanchez – 3 1/3 IP, 9 ER. That’s an uglier Sanchez than any delivered by Screech.
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and two home runs and a steal. The only way I envisioned Pollock depositing two balls in the seats was if he rented a blimp and indiscriminately sprayed baseballs from overhead.
Wade Miley – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Nice start at home from Hannah Arizona. He should be normal for a few more seasons, make a movie then start tweeting self-pics of his abs.
Barry Zito – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Rockies crush you Mile High. Can be stopped at sea level by Barry Zito. Can be stopped in a trench by Baked Ziti.
Brandon Crawford – 2-for-5 with a run and RBI. Now four for last eleven with a home run. Not remotely interesting in most formats, but for those in deep leagues he could be a hot schmotato.
Matt Moore – 5 1/3 IP, 7 baserunners (6 BBs), 5 Ks. In that line, I pointed out the important thing to make note of. So, that’s Moore with Walks to Remember.
Yunel Escobar – 0-for-3 and 3-for-30 on the season. Joe Maddon’s decision to make Yunel only one of three Rays with an everyday job is looking questionable, and not questionable like on Jeopardy! but questionable like listening to anything by Good Charlotte.
Derek Holland – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Having a better start to his season than the other brother from the Netherlands. I’m not a huge fan of Derek Holland, but he’s a lot more likeable before the summer when the heat carries balls, which is also a tagline for a spay and neuter organization.
Matt Harrison – To the DL with a lower back strain. He’s taking this whole not wanting to sleep with me to a whole new level. Callback!
Rick Porcello – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K. He pitched better than his line indicates, but his line is still awful. That’s like having Bloomingdale’s wrap up fake doodie for your loved one’s birthday. You didn’t just poop into a box, but you still gave your loved one fake doodie for their birthday.
Domonic Brown – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run, hitting .242 on the year. I’m usually a chronic rosterbator, but I’m trying to show uncommon patience with Brown, because I know in my heart of hearts he can get 20 homers, 15 steals and a solid average. Bee tee dubya, my heart of hearts is a baboon heart I wear as a medallion around my neck.
Chase Headley – Took batting practice from both sides of the plate. So half of the pitches went behind his back? His current timetable is the end of the month, which would be in about three weeks. Thanks, Kittens Playing With String calendar!
Yonder Alonso – 2-for-4 as he played 1st, 2nd and 3rd base in yesterday’s game. Meanwhile, Gyorko went 0-for-4 and moved from 3rd to 2nd and back to 3rd base. Well, she’s not exactly a looker, but she sure is flexible!
Nick Hundley – 4-for-4 with a run, which comes a day after hitting a homer. Here, we embrace the two percenters, so 2% of NL-Only fantasy owners rejoice!
John Buck – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. WTB?!
Lucas Duda – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with two homers. What a Duda Duda day!
Gordon Beckham – Could need a DL stint. Well, that makes it easier to drop him. Note to March Grey, “Don’t call Beckham a sleeper under any circumstances.” Filling in for Beckham will be Keppinger and Conor Gillaspie, who plays a mean sax, but not so much baseball.
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his first steal on the back end of a double steal with Reyes. That worked out just the way John Gibbons demonstrated it with two sugar packets.
Bobby LaFromboise – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks. That’s the fruitiest reliever name since Dan Quisenberry.