It’s doubtful that Chicago will start singing, ‘Baby, what a big surprise,’ when Garza’s traded. I don’t imagine there will be that many that are left holding their Putz when the Diamondbacks trade for a closer. Every fifteenth rumor you hear between now and July 31st has at least a two percent chance of happening. So, that rumor about how your old lady is sleeping with your mechanic? Still unlikely no matter how many times you tell her, “Quiet, the game is on.” This Buy is about a rumored trade of yours for Yoenis Cespedes that you can make happen. Cespedes was touched on briefly by JayWrong yesterday, which caused Boras to call Razzball HQ and ask that Yoenis stop being touched on now and fo’ever more. I’m here to say I concur — JayWrong shouldn’t touch on people, and I also concur Cespedes is a solid buy low with enough reasons to count on all 100 of Cespedes’s feet. With regards to his BABIP, he’s been getting unlucky. He’s been hacking a bit less, but saying a hitter hacking less is a bad thing is a stretch for even Rubber Boy Daniel Browning Smith. Yoenis has been swinging at less pitches outside of the strike zone, but more aggressive at pitches inside the strike zone. Cespedes is the kind of hitter who could have a huge 2nd half and suddenly be in the MVP conversation as Who. As in, Trout, Miggy and who? The only drawback is Cespedes won that stupid long ball hitting contest, so he might not be as low on the radar as he should be. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Erasmo Ramirez – I’m glad I started him in his first game this year, because I always wanted a 2nd anus. “Hey, Grey, why are you sticking your hand out the window?” “Because that’s where my 2nd anus is.” Do you see how much that would come in, um, handy? So, his first start wasn’t great, but Erasmo is a mixed league capable talent that you should give another start.
Edwin Jackson – His song is “FIP don’t kill my vibe.” He’s been perhaps the unluckiest pitcher so far this year. I say ‘perhaps’ because it makes me sound smart and I don’t have to actually research the specifics.
Ivan Nova – Science tells us that this Nova shines bright for short periods of time and baseball is the sweet nerd science. Nerd changes it from the sweet science, which is boxing. Boxers don’t mind sharing with that addition.
Felix Doubront – He gets the Yankees today and the Yankees can’t hit lefties. (Or righties really either; or guys name Drew P. Bewbies.)
Scott Kazmir – He’s penciled into his first two starts vs. the Twins and the Mariners. That gives me a Kazgasm.
Corey Kluber – This excites me: Kluber is owned in 17% of ESPN leagues, but owned in 59% of our hosted leagues. It should be 100% for Saturday’s start but I ain’t hatin’, I’m pontificatin’, which was also a line in the late eighties by the Pope when the Catholic Church tried to bring in more 18 to 25 males.
Carlos Martinez – I’m listing him more because you people are thirsty for rookie upside sex appeal. Brothers on C-Mart’s jock for the way he stands on a piece of rubber. So what cha sayin’? I get it; he’s going to be filthy, but at this point he might not see more than three starts all year. He could have solid middle reliever type value. Mentioning him does allow me to throw Chris Carpenter‘s name out without focusing on him. Done and done!
Brad Ziegler – Him and David Hernandez give you a chance for saves prior to the Diamondbacks trading for a closer. Ziegler also gives you a chance to own a guy that sounds like he’d be a background dancer in the Springtime for Hitler number, and Hernandez is what a Nazi changed his name to when he moved to Argentina.
Andrew Bailey – Wouldn’t be totally surprised to see the Sawx go back to Bailey at some point only to see him get hurt again and go back to Uehara. Worth a speculative add in deep leagues for those that are jonesing, which isn’t a portmanteau of Grace Jones singing.
Josh Phegley – Has solid power and has been seeing everyday catching at-bats for the “who cares if you strikeout just hit a home run” White Sox. Also, he has no relation to Josh Ptooey.
Evan Gattis – He’ll be back on the field in a utility/backupcatcherman role. Gattis has a bit more recognizable name because he was living off of the cheese found on the inside of discarded pizza boxes for a year, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see Phegley show more fantasy value.
Justin Smoak – Smoak’s best attribute for fantasy owners and Seattle is he makes you feel much better about owning a guy like Kendrys. Smoak has hit .333 in the last week with 2 homers in the last ten days. For three years, he’s excelled in away games, so that’s where I’d prefer to use him until Smoak shows fire.
Matt Adams – I love Adams like Adams likes cake, but don’t really have huge expectations for him if he’s a utility man. By the by, we just traded him in one league for Trevor Rosenthal. I love when people include a line or two with the trade to convince you like, “You need innings and have offense to spare. Win/win.” Does this really help? If anything, I’m more inclined to decline a trade if they’re selling it too hard. When I send a trade, I write, “Any interest?” Or if I’m offering a trade to Rudy, I’ll write something like, “Accept this,” knowing he won’t. Do you need to explain to people why they should accept a trade? I know I need innings and have offense to spare, don’t I? Are the standings only available to the other person? Why do people do this? My absolute biggest pet peeve is when someone writes, “You’re not going to win if you don’t trade for some hitting/pitching/whatever.” I won’t accept that trade.
Gordon Beckham – He’s at 49.8% owned in ESPN leagues, which means he just made the cut-off. I’m fully expecting 49.8% of ESPN owners to wonder why they own Beckham by this time next week.
Kelly Johnson – He lost his everyday job (did he ever have one?), but he has started hitting again. I could see platooning him into your lineup for today and tomorrow when he faces righties.
Pedro Ciriaco – After he was designated for assignment yet again this year, he landed in KC. If you had a major league team, you too could own Ciriaco for the low, low, low price of a roster spot! With Fist Pump Giavotella being optioned to Triple-A, Ciriaco could see reps in Kansas City’s middle infield, which is nicknamed, Peasantville.
Brad Miller – Nick Franklin‘s ownership plummeted almost 30% in the last week because he was nursing a small injury. You people never would’ve been able to own Glass Chipper! Miller, mean’s while, hasn’t even shot up in ownership and he too is at the top of a major league lineup with some speed and power.
Brett Lawrie – Has gone from a guy that’s owned in 100% of leagues to less than 50%. Amazing what a year and a half of being on and off the disabled list will do– Excuse me, the health-challenged list. While he’s healthy, no reason why he shouldn’t be owned everywhere.
Jonny Gomes – This is a strictly Hitter-Tron call for today, which is a lot less awkward than the Hitter-Tron’s call to the appliance department in Sears that he made from a pay phone in the mall without wearing pants. Hopefully, Hitter-Tron’s community service is painless.
David Murphy – This is a roller skating jam named Saturday’s Hitter-Tron call.
Nate Schierholtz – My Magic 8-Ball says start Schierholtz in Saturday and Sunday’s game at Coors. Outlook: cloudy with a chance for long balls.
Eric Young – SAGNOF!
Carlos Quentin – I’d happily be sans Quentin because of what he did to Greinke, but then I’d be locking myself in a prison of my own hang-ups. Hey, Grey’s Shrink, I’m making progress!
Dayan Viciedo – One of the game’s streakier hitters is currently hot. So, let’s go streaking!
Darin Ruf – He’s got pop in his bat and I don’t mean he can uncork his bat and drink Dr. Pepper from the handle.
Shin-Soo Choo – He locks horns with a series of righties and things are all right to Choo’s neighborhood, which isn’t probably in Texas. Reds see a large batch of lefties and things are less promising. He really shouldn’t even be playing against lefties since he carries a .175 average and zero homers in 114 ABs against those that use the weird scissors. He’s hitting near .400 in July, so now that his value is back up, it wouldn’t be a bad time to start thinking about whether you really want to Choo-Choo-choose Choo.
Jordan Zimmermann – The Buysellatops has helped open my eyes about lots of different views. Like selling Chris Davis, Josh Donaldson and global warming. So far, none of those things have done me much good, but I’m coating my feathered hair with my aerosol hairspray while I paddle around in my raft made of plastic six-pack carrier rings in a dolphin fertility bay. Zimmermann is no different than Davis or Donaldson. I don’t necessarily dislike him, but the numbers don’t fully add up. Zimmerman2 has a 6.46 K-rate and a 1.22 BB/9. That walk rate is cream of the crop, rise to the top, never eat a Puig because a Puig is a Dodger outfielder. His K-rate and walk rate are comparable to Hiroki Kuroda and Doug Fister. If you were to trade Zimmermann for a top hitter, you could probably get Fister as a throw-in or off waivers in some leagues. They’re not quite the same, but they’re not as different as you think. I’m not saying trade Zimmermann for blue raspberry Fla-Vor-Ice, but I’d explore offers.