The name YoGa conjures peace, calm and sneaking looks at girls in yoga pants. On the mound, YoGa conjures stress. Starting him is like asking him to be your designated driver. You really have no idea what you’re going to get. He’s become more predictable as of late, but not in the good way. Every game this year he’s looked like someone put him in the fridge for an hour, then poured Magic Shell over him, then chiseled him out and left the fake-choco shell on the mound. I was already to drop him. I had hit my brink. So, how does he reward me? Does he pitch terrible and allow me the freedom of dropping him? You think anything’s that easy with YoGa? Yesterday, Yovani Gallardo was regularly hitting 93 MPH, and looking the part of the guy that finished 11th in Cy Young voting two years ago and won 16 games with a 3.66 ERA last year. A guy that has been a solid number two fantasy starter for the last four years. He threw a near-flawless 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (1 BB), 4 Ks game. Of course, it was against the MIA Marlins and only 4 Ks. Still, I can’t drop him after that, but I also can’t start him for his next game in Great American Ballpark. So, for now I’ll hold a guy that I can’t start or bench confidently. Ugh, more stress! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jason Heyward – 2-for-5 with two homers. I don’t know, I thought for sure he was done. That he should be packing up his stuff and relocating to Burma. That there was no life left in his bat. That the best was behind this 23-year-old. Oh, wait, no I didn’t. I told you to buy him low two weeks ago. Hmm, weird. Because we also put our fantasy money where our mouth is, a day or two before I told you to buy Heyward, we traded Howie Kendrick and Marco Estrada for Heyward and Chris Perez. I’m sure once Perez stops taking hits from the bong that will look even more ridiculous.
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 5 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks in Petco. You look great for a month-plus then this? In Petco? That makes me crazy! Are you happy? Now I’m in a strait jacket. I’m typing this behind my back. Yes, that is a pretty cook trick…pretty cook…Where’s the ketter after K?! Well, Teheran might’ve just made it easier for when Beachy returns.
Ryan Braun – Out of the starting lineup with soreness in his right thumb and could sit out the whole Marlins series. Right now, RB’s horsey sauce tastes like mildewy socks. Go to the DL, you schmohawk!
Rickie Weeks – 3-for-5 and his 5th homer. He should always play down in Miami Beach. Not because it’s a good stadium, but he just needed a Scooter to get him going.
Carlos Gomez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th steal. Gomez likes to defy me, so if you own him, you really want me to keep harping on how he can’t keep this up.
Jonathan Lucroy – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. He doesn’t usually get hot as much as less cold. I will call him Jonathan Lukewarm.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 as he returned from the DL. I’m glad he’s back on the field, but I will miss our afternoon chats. Whenever he hocks a loogie, it means he’s thinking of me. That’s our secret.
Ricky Nolasco – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks. Whatever, you shouldn’t own him anyway. What I wanted to mention is this is the first time I’ve witnessed the Marlins between innings fish race. What kind of acid are they on down there? That one in the back looks like Chester Cheetos or Snookie after being in the tanning salon too long. Are they wearing Zubaz? That shark in the front — if it is indeed a shark — looks like a blue Tyra Banks. Dial back the forehead! Is there a work release program to design a costume and run in this race? What is going on here?! Did the taxpayers pay for this spectacle?!
Derek Jeter – Took swings and fielded grounders. Talked up three girls. Got laid five times. Just a normal Monday for Jeter. What did you do?
Curtis Granderson – Probably will return in about 3 weeks. Yesterday, he played catch from 90 feet. Not quite as good a day as Cap’n Jetes.
Will Middlebrooks – 1-for-7, 1 RBI as he returned from the DL. If someone dropped Middlebrooks in your league, I’d pick him up, then email the person, “I watch you undress.” That’ll freak them out.
Clay Buchholz – Questionable for his next start. Should give him time to get some color on his pasty white arms.
John Lackey – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks. Assuming he stays healthy, he gets the O’s, Tigers and Blue Jays next. You got larger huevos than me if you start him for all three of those. While you cowboy up to your huevos rancheros, I’ll be streaming. Stream-o-Nator, “I feel used.”
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-6, 1 run and 2 steals, his 25th and 26th on the year. Member the days Ellsbury would steal 60 bases? If you don’t, you should get your head checked because you’re living them right now.
Zack Wheeler – Sandy Alderson hinted that Wheeler would be called up to start on June 18th. Sandy hinted by motioning with two fingers, then pulling on his ear, then made a charades movie gesture. The other person asked, “Sounds like…a movie?” Alderson shook that off for five minutes finally blurting out, “I was reeling in a fish…Sounds like reeler!”
Wil Myers – Jim Bowden said this weekend that the Rays were a week away from promoting Myers, but the Rays denied that report. There’s egg on Bowden’s face, but that’s more because of the part-time job he picked up working as a chef at Benihana.
David Price – Felt good after throwing a bullpen session. Nbdisanx Sorry, fingers were crossed.
Ben Zobrist – 5-for-7, 1 run, 1 RBI. I just said yesterday that I was praying his Sunday homer was the start of something. Looks like my prayers are answered! No, I’m still not buying Zobrist’s wife’s Christian rock CD.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-7 with his 11th homer. Only 25 more to go!
James Loney – 2-for-5 with his 8th homer, hitting .327. I’ve said this before in some way or another, but it’s crazy how these Rays teams keep getting solid years from these adrift 1st basemen. And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Alex Cobb – 4 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. There was no huge red flag that a big regression was coming for Cobb, but The Regression Fairies must’ve missed their plane out of town after the hurting they put on Moore.
Doug Fister – 8 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Got himself in some early trouble, but went on to throw the complete game after he Doug himself out. High-five self!
Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Yawn. Wake me when you’re hitting .400 or 50 homers. Amiright? We’re hard on Swiggy.
Jeremy Guthrie – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 0 Ks. His season K-rate is now below 5. Without any Ks, that’s a thans, but no thans.
Scott Feldman – 6 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Watch the Harry Hanukkah sketch, in particular.
Lance Berkman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Feels like forever since I’ve talked about this guy. Then you look at his 5 homers and .270 average and you’re like, “Yeah, there’s little to concern your ‘stache with here.”
Jeff Baker – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs with his 2nd homer in as many games. He’s a lefty killer that Rudy streamed per the Hitter-Tron. In fact, Rudy streamed four hitters yesterday with excellent results. He’ll be talking about that on the podcast later today. You can hardly wait. No, you!
Tony Cingrani – Will start today for the Cincinnati Red Stockings. Did you know their name originated because their team was once comprised of only burlesque dancers?
Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Great game, but it definitely didn’t hurt they played the first half of the game in 1880’s London. At one point in the fog, I think I saw Jack the Ripper chatting up Alfonso Soriano, which is totally ridiculous since Soriano was merely an infant when Jack the Ripper was alive.
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 10th homer as Phillips put the screws to the Cubs. Take it Cincinnati Enquirer, it’s yours.
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, 3 runs. You know the top guy on your waivers that gets picked up and dropped by everyone? That’s Cozart.
Josh Hamilton – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, raising his average to .216. You ain’t so bad now Vernon Wells?! I don’t mean that as an insult. I mean, Vernon Wells really isn’t bad compared to Hamilton, but Josh is finally closing the gap with the 10-homer, .238-hitting Wells.
Peter Bourjos – 2-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Not a bad flyer for SAGNOF if you’re hurting for steals.
Jered Weaver – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. You know that guy in your league that reads ESPN and watches ‘Krukkie’ break down players? I’d sell him Weaver, cause only on ESPN would they announce something like “one of the best pitchers in the game, Jered Weaver, just didn’t have his stuff last night.” He hasn’t had his stuff in three years.
Adam Jones – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 13th homer. I know how well he’s doing on our Player Rater, but I’d be the happiest ‘pert in this whole giant spinning ball if he went on an insane streak where he hit 5-7 homers over the next two weeks. I’m greedy, y’all!
Nate McLouth – 1-for-4 with his 22nd steal. Hold onto your bowler for this one: McLouth is on pace for 50 steals. By the way, nice bowler, who are you, Oddjob?
Matt Kemp – Setback on Sunday obviously wasn’t that bad since he’s aiming to rehab on Friday and return to the Dodgers early next week. He’ll be returning to a team where he was the star, now he’s gonna have to puiggyback on someone else’s fame.
Hanley Ramirez – MRI came back and said Hanley can play in a few days. Hanley said, “Aw, geez, well, I guess I can.”
A.J. Ellis – D’Ellis could return on Friday. Did the Dodgers decide to make an entire month’s worth of announcements in one day? We get it, you got news. Leave us alone.
Yasiel Puig – 3-for-4. Early in the day yesterday, Mattingly said moving Puig down to the cleanup spot is, “Something I’m looking at.” So, then, of course, Puig hit cleanup last night. Is Mattingly on medication?
Brandon League – 2/3 IP, 4 ER. Speaking of medication that Mattingly is either on or should be on, let Kenley close!
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 1.88 ERA on the year. Seems like that hip is holding up okay. *slowly tiptoes out the back door*
Mark Ellis – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Ellis rarely gets three hits in a game without it leading to a hot streak. Yes, I realize he also rarely gets three hits in a game.
Wade Miley – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks with a 4.89 ERA on the year. Miley Sigh…bust.
Tyler Skaggs – Was optioned to the minors. Hopefully, Skaggs returns at some point and pitches well so Kevin Towers can trade him.
Cody Ross – 3-for-5, 1 run. Still only has 2 homers, but that has to change. I can’t imagine it stays anywhere near that. Even in a healthy bad year, he’s going to get 20 homers.
Jedd Gyorko – Hit the DL with a strained groin. The doctor advised Gyorko no namesake activity for 15 days.
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his first homer. Swing Logan, sweet Padriot! Will take over for Gyorko, and he’s a low power, low speed guy, but he could be a hot schmotato right now.
Will Venable – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. He is overdue for one of his 10-game hot streaks. You heard it here first! Read it, I mean. Stop with the semantics.
Dale Thayer – 2/3 IP, 1 ER as he got the save because Gregerson hasn’t done anything great and was prolly tired. Then go take a nap! If you want to vulture saves for another few days, Thayer might get one or two until Street returns on Friday.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Hisashi my dashi — slurp SLURP!
Aaron Hicks – Placed on the DL. Is swinging and missing now considered an injury? Hmm… When I used to leave singles bars, I should’ve yelled out, “I’m headed to the DL!”
Dylan Axelrod – 4 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 1 K. Hope Axelrod’s last two solid starts didn’t have you falling for the ol’ banana-in-the-tailpipe trick.
R.A. Dickey – 5 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. the White Sox. Gave up a few quick runs, then the rain came. Looked like he might get let off the hook, but he trotted back out there after an hour-plus delay and looked as miserable as when he started. The White Sox had a .236 average coming into this game and he didn’t strike out one hitter. I hate to say drop him, because the nature of the knuckler is so unpredictable, but you really can’t start him. At this point, he’s a poison pill. What I mean is, someone else will definitely pick him up and then he’ll kill their team.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers. I’d say something like I wish he had 25 homers by now, but Joey Bats is a made man, it means he cannot be touched.
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. Seriously, every homer of his comes on short schedule days. It’s uncanny. It’s without can!
Brandon Morrow – Cleared to throw a bullpen session today. Morrow said, “Everything feels great, as good as I can hope for.” He went on to apologize for not saying that with an exclamation mark, but he’s afraid of hurting himself.
Chien-Ming Wang – Signed a deal with the Blue Jays. With Dickey and Wang in their rotation, Toronto will be shortening their name to the BJ’s.