For all you Jersey kids out there, yesterday’s game title is, “Holland Tunnels Yanks.” For all you Jersey kids out there who have been stuck in traffic in the Holland Tunnel on a hot day, “Holland Dutch Ovens the Yankees.” For all of you history nerds, “Holland Takes Back New Amsterdam.” By the way, I’d be surprised if I was the first person who thought of this, but I’ve never heard it before, so here goes: What is New Jersey shaped like? Kid from Kid ‘n Play. It is totally rocking the flat-top. Right? Damn, I totally would’ve failed me a Rorschach test. So Derek Holland put two peaches together yesterday and made a plum of a start with the line: 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 Hits, 2 BBs and 7 Ks. Holland is what he is, which is a decent 3rd to 4th fantasy starter. The Stream-o-Nator predicted this beaut. Know why? The Yankees aren’t good usually (23rd overall for OPS), but are hideous vs. lefties (27th overall). These aren’t your slightly older brother’s Yankees. Right now, George Steinbrenner is rolling over in his grave, though that is partially because he was facing Billy Martin. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. As he gets his first start in a week. The Rangers hate themselves some upside. They threw Chris Davis to the wolves, refuse to promote Olt, letting Profar hang out to dry. If you’re not going to play Profar, send him to the minors so he can at least play. That doesn’t sound like rocket science. Jurickson? More like the Rangers are Jurickin’ him some? Amiright? Rightrightrightright?
Brett Gardner – Didn’t start due to a head cold. His fever was always burning since the germs been turning. Foreign Mets, July 31st brings homeless vets, Rolaids, bat crack, Chris Getz! Hypodermics in Braun’s butt, McCourts under martial law, rock ‘n jock, bullpen wars, I can’t take it anymore!
Phil Hughes – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Just 20 more starts like that and I’ll trust you. Shoot, I shouldn’t give him any smart ideas. Now he’s gonna pitch well for two months just to sucker me in to an explosion.
Mike Trout – 4-for-5, 1 run. I was watching BBQ Pitmasters the other day and Myron was talking about how you have to inject the meat to keep it moist. I started thinking about what I’d like to inject in Mike Trout.
Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Tigers. Damn, he’s money, right? Yeah, I don’t think so. I haven’t liked him in about two years. I wonder if off of the strength of this start you can trade Jered before he takes his over-sized pants back home to face the Cardinals.
Peter Bourjos – Didn’t start another game, that’s four in a row now. You know who doesn’t mind this? J.B. “Don’t Give A” Shuck.
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. That’s not quite as good as you want from him, but a whole lot better than you were expecting. Confounding expectations, which is the name of my high school band when I went by the moniker General Gist and dressed up like a soldier with an ascot. What? It was the 80’s.
Joaquin Benoit – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks. In case we’ve forgotten that he’s the closer because it’s been almost two weeks since his last save, Benoit was used yesterday in a tie game as a closer would be used (9th inning at home). This was brought to you by the Committee To Keep Papelbon Out Of Motown. Or K-Poom, who is not related to K-Fed.
Jose Valverde – Accepted his Triple-A assignment. He’ll be working the 8th inning behind Kenny Powers.
Taylor Jordan – Will take over Haren’s spot in the rotation for the foreseeable future. Like some of you, the first thing I do when a prospect is called up is search the site to see what Prospect Scott said. Rarely do I find a guy who hasn’t been covered or the info is dated. So, when I searched for Taylor Jordan, I found a mention of Michael Taylor by Scott and I found mentions by me of Julie Taylor, Lawrence Taylor, the country Jordan, Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Jordan Sparks, which I spelled wrong. At least I stay on topic! There’s a good drinking game in there, choose a random word — let’s say kerfuffle — and as many posts that show up is how many shots you have to do. (BTW, you wouldn’t even get buzzed from kerfuffle. Search schmotato and you’ll have alcohol poisoning.) So, I gotta go it alone with Taylor Jordan since he wasn’t mentioned at all as far as I could see. In that alone tells you something, he wasn’t well-regarded in the minors. He was virtually unheard of for fantasy as of this March. Last year, he had a 4+ ERA in Single-A with a 6+ K-rate, but he was returning from Tommy John surgery. This year, he’s ripping the tag off the party and waiting for someone to call the cops. He has a 0.83 ERA in Double-A through 54 innings with a 7+ K-rate. He looks like a guy that could surprise for a few starts (especially his first vs. the Mets), but I don’t think he’s a long-term answer for fantasy or the Nats. The nice thing is his downside looks minimal because he posts sub-2 walk rates. In NL-Only leagues, I’d bid a few dollars and hope for a nice ride; in mixed leagues, it’s on a need a streamer basis, but I’d give him a whirl vs. the Mets, definitely. And this is just about the longest blurb I’ve ever written about– There it is! A new world record!
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks with a 2.41 ERA on the year, but was out-pitched by Patrick Corbin 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks with a 2.22 ERA on the year. If you saw that coming in March, you’re a time traveler. I demand you go back and sell my Boston Market stock in the summer of 1998. Now! Go! I’ll give you 20% commission.
Adam Eaton – Resumed rehab and could return sometime soon after the All-Star Break. Siri, could you remind me to pick Adam Eaton during the All-Star Break? “Grey, there are four Tandoori restaurants in your vicinity that you can eatin’ at.”
Aaron Hill – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer and first homer since his injury. Been looking pretty solid since his return. Good to see since hand injuries can be tricky — it’s an illusion!
Juan Francisco – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer and third in the last three games. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if you need to wait to see him there, you’re probably not picking him up anyway. So why do you waste my time? Oh, come here, I can’t get mad at you. Let’s air hug. There, that better?
Carlos Gomez – Supposed to return today. He’ll know for sure after batting practice. Have to see how it Gomezes.
Wily Peralta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. Whoa, not too shabby–Oh, he had 4 more unearned runs. Yeah, he’s hot garbage on the back of a camel in the Sahara.
Josh Beckett – Began a throwing program, but it’s still possible he gets shutdown for the year. Bad year for Jeters, the real one and Red State Jeter.
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners, 5 Ks. Send me a sign when you’re going to start pitching up to your potential, because this is frickin’ ridiculous. Or simply fridiculous! The Phils are not this good and you’re in Dodger Stadium? 13 baserunners? With those kind of numbers, you gotta strand more people than Oceanic Airlines. And a 3.94 ERA on the year? I could’ve got that shizz from Jonathan Effin’ Pettibone! Someone play that crappy Coldplay song, I Will Fix You, so Greinke gets himself right.
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and 2 steals. You will do, Not Puig, you will do.
Delmon Young – 4-for-4, which comes after a 2-for-4 game with a homer. He’s around a 15-homer, .270 hitter on the year, which is death for the whole year, but nothing says you can’t grab him now while he’s doing well.
Chase Utley – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. I will say this in his favor, when he does play, he hits.
Corey Kluber – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks. Wait a minute, why did I wake up in a bathtub of ice? Oh, God, what is that smell? Why is my anus pulled out of my body and watching Montel?! WHY MONTEL?!? Damn, Kluber, you got me good. Well, it obviously wasn’t the kind of start you wanted, but he was singled to death, very few balls were hit hard and he gets the Royals next. Yeah, I’m holding him.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He is hitting near .375 in the last week, but this is his first homer since being recalled and he can’t hit lefties (.087). That’s below dead on arrival, which is .187.
Miguel Gonzalez – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks. Should’ve went with this schmohawk over Kluber. Gonzalez now has five straight quality starts, and has better all around numbers than Greinke. Damn you, Quentin! I thought for a long time I’d have written on my tombstone, “I told you I was ill,” but now I might just have, “Damn you, Quentin!”
Ryan Flaherty – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs. He’s hitting close to .500 in the last week with 3 homers. Hot schmotatoes are completely without prejudice, unlike Paula Deen.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Had it been that long since his last big game? Well, he did hit a homer the other day, but he was 1-for-16 this week, so there ya go.
Samuel Deduno – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Has a barely 5 K-rate and Deduno’s is a pizza place that makes you violently sick.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. I wouldn’t believe it either if I didn’t see it with my piercing brown eyes that are said to mesmerize.
Jeremy Hefner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. You can’t stop Zack Wheeler from getting called up now! (Though I kinda wish you could’ve for his last start since I didn’t need what Wheeler gave me. The Mets said Wheeler was tipping his pitches. Yeah, sure, before each pitch he was yelling, “This is gonna be a ball; don’t swing!”)
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Would’ve been a real nice batty call yesterday, but he was also hot about a week ago so it wouldn’t be insane to get a little bit of a battachment going.
Brad Miller – Mariners called him up to take over for Brendan Ryan, but Ryan had a good UZR! Miller is the Nick Franklin of shortstops. Here’s what Prospect Scott said, “Miller can hit. Since debuting as a pro in 2011, the 23-year-old has hit .341/.414/.513 across Low-, High-, and Double-A. Folks spewed the same doubts about Allen Craig a few years back (about his defense), but the bat always finds a way, my friends. Miller’s bat will play in the bigs. It would also play well by hitting Grey’s melon.” Hey! What’s the big idea? Miller was tearing up Triple-A this year (.350 with 5 homers and 2 steals in 25 games), which came after churning through Double-A (.294, 6 homers, 4 steals in 42 games). He looks nearly identical to Franklin bat-wise. I grabbed Miller in a mixed league, and I suggest you do the same if you’re hurting at middle infield.
Chien-Ming Wang – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Little Miss Chien-Ming Wang sucks. You can’t Spin Doctor those first starts otherwise.
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, but left the game with a jammed hip when he slipped off the mound. He said he didn’t know what happened, but there was this patch of suntan lotion on the mound.
Clay Buchholz – MRI showed inflammation in his shoulder’s bursa sac. When someone told him to sack up, he took it literally.
Drew Pomeranz – Will take over Nicasio’s rotation spot. Pomeranz had a 4.20 ERA in Triple-A, and now heads to Coors. If you pick him up, you have nuts in your coconut.
Michael Cuddyer – 3-for-4, 1 run, batting .351. Meanwhile, Helton’s hitting .240 and playing 1st base when Cuddyer could be playing there and saving himself from possible injury. Someone should tape Helton’s mouth, put him in a gorilla suit and send him to Africa.
Tyler Chatwood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, 2.13 ERA. Well, it’s obviously time to reevaluate since it looks like Tyler Chatwood is more than a gay porn star that can tie things with his tongue. His K-rate is just below 7 and his walk rate is just below three. Shorthand: He’s a usable streamer. Longhand: At one point, he was a well-regarded prospect, but that got derailed for a while in the minors. He’s obviously found himself like a hero of a Young Adult Novel, The Perks of Being A Young Pitcher, anyone? No? Okay. At 23 years old, he could be more than a usable streamer at times this year and could even take a step forward to be shallow, mixed league ownable. It’s just very hard for me to recommend a Rockie starter, so I’m not grabbing him anywhere. I’m glad we had this Chat…wood.
Starlin Castro – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 7th steal. I don’t want to say anything for fear I might jinx it, so I’ll write it instead. Castro’s been on fire since his benching. Sveum is a genius! (I wonder if Sveum needs the spellchecker to spell out genius like I do. Hmm…) Castro still has a long way to go, but at least it looks like he’s headed in the right direction. Castro, keep drinking from the catch-up bottle!
Ryan Sweeney – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st steal. Strange Prediction of the Day! *flashy graphics announcing the SPotD, people cheering, wearing crazy college-themed face paint screaming SPotD* My SPotD: Sweeney is 10 team mixed league viable by August.
Kevin Gregg – Also, being shopped by the Cubs, which would make James Russell the closer, unless he’s traded too, then Joe Pepitone would become the closer. Theo Epstein said yesterday, “Everyone is for sale–*muffled* See, if you can fit Soriano in Gregg’s tote bag.”