Andy Pettitte signed to a minor league deal with the Yankees. I guess the Yankees cause mass hysteria, so I shouldn’t have been surprised by how many people asked me if they should pick him, but, alas, you still surprised me, you. In anything shallower than a 10 team AL-Only league, I wouldn’t go near him. He wasn’t even that good his last few years of pitching, so I don’t see how you can expect anything from him a full year after retirement. What this does show us: Never trust a Southerner who says they are retiring early – Favre, Oswalt, Pettitte, Strom Thurmond… “I just want to spend time with family, God and my tractor.” Yeah, right. Anyway, here’s what I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Scott Baker – The Twins are saying Baker could start the season on the DL. I’m saying he will start the year on the DL. The good news, he’s getting one of his half dozen DL trips out of the way early.
Kendrys Morales – Felt no pain as he hit against minor leaguers. Sounds like he should be good to go when the Angels face the Orioles.
Carl Crawford – Started to swing a bat again. He’s still starting the year on the DL, but this is encouraging. I actually love when good news comes out about a guy I want someone else to draft.
Jeff Samardzija – Sveum says Samardzija is all but a lock for the rotation. Obviously strange S last names have to stick together. Outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t mess with Samardzija. Too many walks.
Matt Thornton – Robin Ventura said that Thornton and Crain are the best candidates for the closer job. No surprise here, and it will be less surprising when Thornton gets the closer job, then loses it some time in July when hitters start catching up to Thornton’s melons.
Placido Polanco – Left a game on Saturday with a jammed finger. Phillies then turned to reserves. You’d think a jammed finger would turn one to preserves. That joke setup felt longer than Tree of Life.
Logan Morrison – He’s experiencing swelling in his surgically-repaired knee. Not great news at all. He’s saying he should be good for Opening Day, but I’m not crazy about the thought of a guy who is having swelling the day after he plays in March. If I’ve drafted him already on teams, I’m gonna make due, but I’ll probably not be reaching too high for him in future drafts. The more guys I can avoid with minor injuries already, the better the sheen on my mustache.
Giancarlo Stanton – Will sit out a week with inflammation in his left knee. Is knee swelling contagious? I swear to the deity of your choice if I find out Logan Morrison contaminated Giancarlo’s gam, there will be a price to pay that includes, but is not limited to forever damnation. Giancarlo should still be ready for the start of the season. Bee tee dubya, I’m liking the name change to Giancarlo. He sounds like a European playboy, race car driver.
Carlos Quentin – Out for 6 weeks because of knee surgery. I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think the actual surgery will take that long. Probably some rehab involved in those 6 weeks. Twelve after twenty is the year major league baseball took a knee. How’s that for pithy?! Full of pith that Grey Albright. Am I right or am I right-right?
Bryce Harper – The Nats beat their projected ticket sales for April so they optioned Harper to Triple-A. Imagine Harper will be back some time in July, and no hell below us. It’s easy if you try…
Francisco Liriano – Pitched a near no-no vs. the Pirates. I’d like to punch him in his no-no area like the dwarf in Project X for what Liriano did to me last year.
Brandon Guyer – Was sent down by the Rays. He went 14/16 last year in 107 Triple-A games, and, because of his age, he’s ready to go in the majors. First sign of injury, Guyer will return and be worth rostering in most mixed leagues. In AL-Only leagues, it’s worth stashing him on the bench. Maybe we can convince the Rasmus Girl to do a “Guyer, let’s go” video.
Stephen Drew – Not only will he start the year on the DL, but the Diamondbacks are saying he won’t be back until May. So let’s see what we have, Drew who hasn’t really ever been great, hasn’t played in almost a year and his timetable keeps getting delayed. At this point, I wouldn’t draft him with your team. The Honorable Willie Bloomquist will now be presiding in his place.
Shaun Marcum – Beginning to look like Marcum might not be ready to go for the start of the season, but it looks like he might only miss a start or two. I would still draft him and not move him down ranking sheets. By as early as May, you won’t even remember Marcum missed one start at the beginning of the season… Unless you get hit by a foul ball at the Brewers opener, go into a coma for a month and wake up in early May.
Joakim Soria – Left yesterday’s game with elbow soreness. You’ve got to Joakim me? Soria’s been lit up so far this spring and now there’s elbow soreness. Then, after the game, he said he’s worried. Yeah, I am too. As late as Saturday, I thought Soria was in line for a bounce back, but then again I was drunk. You would think Soria’s broken eggs would brighten up any Holland days, but Broxton and his huge ass could block him out. Right now, I’d draft them all if you’re desperate for saves. I think if the Royals have any sense in their head, they’ll go Holland first and, if you have only room for one, I’d go that way too. Hopefully, Holland doesn’t have to go Dutch with the save opportunities.
Freddy Sanchez – Hurty Sanchez is doubtful for Opening Day. Could mean more time for Mike Fontenot or Ryan Theriot. Can someone please buy a hard T sound for them?
Chien-Ming Wang – Strained his hamstring and won’t be ready for Opening Day. That’s a real shame because the Nats invested in that giant bullpen zipper for Wang to come out of.
David Wright – Won’t resume baseball activities, which includes but is not limited to scratching himself and spitting, until the middle to end of next week. Member when the Mets were competing with the Yankees to be the team of New York? Had Reyes, Wright, Beltran, Johan… The world their oyster, and they turned mollusks to bollocks.