Something many of you don’t realize, but one of the first people to talk to a player that was just traded is his new team’s tailor. The Yankees tailor got on the phone with Chase Headley to find out what size jersey he wears, and Headley looked down, beaming to be out of Petco, and said, “Giuseppe, you might want to take out my inseam too.” I wonder if the flowers smelled a little better as Headley stepped into Yankee Stadium for the first time. Sure, in contrast to his hour long ride through the Bronx, getting lost in Hunts Point, anything would smell better, but it can’t be worse, can it? His career in away games prorated over a 162 game season is: 79/19/79/.286/14. Doode’s David Wright! Well, almost. Which is sad for Headley and Wright. More sad for Wright. What a guy does in only half a season can be anywhere from bupkis to I-want-to-bump-grind-and-kiss. Will Headley suddenly be mixed league worthy? Yeah, for at least a flyer, if nothing else. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yangervis Solarte – Went the other way in the Headley trade (with Rafael De Paula). Solarte was hitting decent in the early months, but then his Quad-Aness (wow, that sounds bad) showed itself. I hope he doesn’t read that and get sore over his Quad-Aness. I wonder if Pujols will get jealous that he’s three holes short of Quad-Aness. I’m going to move on now. Solarte is worth a grab in NL-Only leagues, since the Padres will almost certainly play him, but I wouldn’t expect much from His Quad-Aness.
Aaron Sanchez – Blue Jays called up their top prospect to work middle relief and keep his innings in check, which is not to say they’re going to play games in Prague. Sanchez is someone that pops up on “Best arm on a prospect” lists, but he’s struggled in the minors the last two years, and injuries could be a concern. I’d definitely look at him in deep keepers, and I’m excited to watch Aaron Sanchez anywhere outside of the Chopped kitchen.
J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 4.55. His name is short for: Just Another Happless Streamer. You can see why he shortened it.
Jose Reyes – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (19). I’ll give him the biggest compliment bestowed on him, he’s playing like it’s a contract year.
Anthony Gose – 2-for-3, 2 runs and 2 steals. Gose should be in the SAGNOF Royal Court too. At least when Rajai needs eggs.
Jake Peavy – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.72. As much as I was kicking myself yesterday for not streaming Lackey, glad I avoided this stink bomb. That would’ve surely made me Peavish, and don’t call me Shirley.
David Ortiz – 2-for-4 and his 23rd homer, now three homers in two games. When you click on Ortiz on your fantasy team, an audio clip should play of him saying, “This is your f**king utility.”
Stephen Drew – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer and 2nd in as many games. Dah! I almost picked him up to fill-in for Tulo. Looks like Drew is a hot schmotato. It’s no mystery that I don’t like him, so his sister doesn’t need to snoop around my office, but if a guy is hot, you do what you need to.
Jason Kipnis – 0-for-4, 1 run and his 15th steal. Said his oblique is still an issue, and it will be until the offseason. What brave clarity and verisimilitude for such an oblique issue. In today’s world, such pluck will not go unnoticed if you elect me mayor! *shakes hand, kisses baby, smiles*
Carlos Santana – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .214. At this point, I kinda hope his average stays below .220 so he comes at a discount next year. Then again, I don’t own him.
Danny Salazar – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. I watched a lot of this game and if he was against anyone but the Twins, it could’ve been very ugly. I’m a fan still, but he’s risky as all get-out. Or in this case, risky as all can’t-get-anyone-out.
Nick Swisher – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting solid over his last 15 days (3 HRs, .296). On the year, he’s only at .215 with 8 homers, and unless this is his swan song, I have to think he picks that up in the final two months.
Darwin Barney – Designated for assignment. Darwin hopes to evolve into a Broadway singer. This news comes right after The Purple Evolutionist had a baby, which means Dinosaur Jr. will realize he needs to be a better 2nd baseman than his dad when he grows up. It’s natural selection.
Kyle Hendricks – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. I IM’d Rudy yesterday saying I noticed he picked up Hendricks to stream two days ahead of time, was he that worried I’d grab him? He IM’d me back, “It’s the Padres with Stults pitching and he’s home. Plus, look at his minor league numbers. You are handsome but sometimes I have to school you.” Okay, he said ‘very handsome,’ but I didn’t want to embarrass him. Hendricks had a 8.5 K/9 in Triple-A with a 3.59 ERA and next to no walks. The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next start, and how he performs there will push me one way or the other for him in all mixed leagues. He’s definitely worth the grab in NL-Only and deeper mixed leagues.
Arismendy Alcantara – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. And the Gods came down to Planet Earth on a layover to the Nebula Galaxy and said, “I will grant you one beautiful thing per year and this year it shall be Arismendy Alka-Seltzer or however you say his name.”
Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-5, 1 run as he played 2nd base. I grabbed him in one league where I also have Arismendy (muah!), but I don’t think this is gonna end well. They have to play Arismendy. They have to! He’s a gift from the Gods.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4 and his 24th and 25th homers. HR to the Rizzo! Twice! I wonder what would’ve happened if he stayed with the Padres… *wavy lines* Wow, that’s at least 25 fly balls right to the edge of the warning track for Rizzo. But at least Gyorko has 20 homers. *wavy lines* Hey, it was my dream sequence!
Josh Reddick – Was activated from the DL, but didn’t start which has completely befuddled Kevin in ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department.
George Springer – Didn’t start yesterday due to his usual quad and knee thingies. I don’t want to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but doode’s way too young to be having this many knickknacky injuries. Get your bric-a-brac in order!
Chris Carter – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs. Hurry K’d Carter has back-to-back multi-hit games and had a nice little streak of hitting going on prior to the break. I won’t say hot schmotato, because he’s going to face some tough pitching over the next few days, but I wanted to say hot schmotato. So there. Nap time. *claps hands* I’m back!
L.J. Hoes – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer. I love when Hoes goes deep. Hehe. What?
Mike Moustakas – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and two homers (11, 12). If Mostsuckass leads the Royals in homers this year, the club should be made to do the elephant walk around the stadium.
Norichika Aoki – 2-for-4, 1 run as he was moved to the bottom of the order. Between a Rock and a Can of Whup Ass there. If you hit, then the manager thinks you’re comfortable in the nine hole, and if you don’t hit then you’re benched for Nadir Bupkis. How do you decide? Damn, I felt like Jigsaw from Saw.
Jose Abreu – Missed yesterday’s game with a Poquito Dolor.
Adam Dunn – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer. Big Donkey eats baseballs for dinner! Seriously, he flosses with the seams. Great hygiene on that guy.
Adam Wainwright – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER. Uh-oh, it’s the Curse of Atlee Hammaker.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .278. Wonder where the power went this year. Oh, that’s right, he didn’t have any last year either. People drafted him for average, runs and RBIs. Oopsie.
James Loney – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 4th steal, hitting near .600 in the last week with steals in back-to-back games. It’s one thing to steal against Tony Cruz while Yadier Molina is out. That’s salt, for sure. But Jose Molina also stole a base. You know Yadier told his brother to steal against Cruz. You know he did. That’s some cold shizz. That’s basically sleeping with a guy’s sister while his girlfriend films you.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer. You know things have gone pear-shaped when I need to look at two different sites to make sure Longoria really did homer and it wasn’t an error by ESPN.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, and his ERA is finally under 4 at 3.97. I’d say the strikeouts will probably end at some point, but who makes a deal with the devil to suddenly rack up Ks for only two-thirds of a season?
Donovan Solano – 4-for-4, 1 run. That’s nice, he doesn’t start every day and usually when Donovan’s up it makes it seem like the season of the pitch.
Mike Minor – 3 IP, 6 ER. I’m guessing he’s going to hit the Disgraceful List within a week. I’d go ahead and grab his info and promise to write him while he’s on waivers after you drop him.
Justin Upton – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 18th homer, hitting .284. His valleys haven’t been as bad this year as last. In June, he hit .226, but he’s hit over .275 in the other three months, and with a strong finish I could see him getting in the 2nd round discussion for next year. Hey, don’t blame me, offense is terrible across the whole league.
Taijuan Walker – Will return to pitch today vs. the Mets. Okay, fine, I’ll be your streaming huckleberry! (With the chance I hold him for an extended period of time. Okay, I’m more of a dingleberry.)
Erasmo Ramirez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. Well, that excitement for Taijuan was short-lived. Not really sure what the M’s are going to do with their rotation now that Erasmo pitched well too. Maybe they’ll bump Chris Young since his xFIP says he won’t stay good. And maybe that’s a pipe dream like Pookie from New Jack City would have.
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Yup, you should own him. Yup, even in that league.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-4, and a slam (15) and legs (3), hitting near .350 over his last seven games. Mr. Hot Schmotato on my shoulder, it’s gonna be a zip-a-dee-Duda day!
Ben Revere – 3-for-6, 2 runs and two steals. Revere showing why speed matters, and Sizemore not so much. At least that’s what I tell the ladies.
Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. I wonder if Frank Darabont gets any story ideas for The Walking Dead from the Phillies lineup.
Jonathan Papelbon – 2 IP, 1 ER and a blown save as he allowed a homer to Buster Posey (4-for-7, 2 runs). The Phils challenged the call. They wanted to charge Diekman with the blown save since they’re trying to trade Papelbon.
Tim Lincecum – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and the save. SAGNOF!
Scooter Gennett – Left yesterday’s game with quad tightness. The proverbial wheels came off of Scooter.
Jonathan Lucroy – 2-for-4 and his 10th and 11th homers. I always find it interesting where catchers are ranked in relation to other catchers on our Player Rater. So, guess where Lucroy is ranked? Nope, higher. Higher still. I’ll give you a hint, when you get to number one stop.
Jimmy Nelson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. You gotta give him credit, at least he’s not even making himself that appealing.
Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. You gotta give him credit, at least– Oops, sorry, the record is scratched.
Pedro Alvarez – Left yesterday’s game with knee discomfort. His thigh and shin will meet somewhere in the middle to discuss how to proceed.
Vance Worley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.10. There were three unearned runs so this wasn’t nearly as pretty as the line. Celebrity Sighting Alert! I saw his mom, Jo Anne Worley, the other day walking down the street. Well, walking is being generous. She was holding court with five gay men! God bless her and those gorgeous 76-year-old thighs!
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Who now? What team he play for? Polanco? Doesn’t ring any bells. Sorry, just practicing for next draft season when I try to throw people off his scent.
Ike Davis – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. That breaks a 1-for-his-last-ten-games streak. He hadn’t even started the last few games for Gaby Sanchez. Before you cry for Ike, think about the sucker who bought front row seats and has to duck every time Ike swings.
Neil Walker – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Yeah, but Gyorko put a whole bag of sunflower seeds in his mouth and opened each one without any hands!
Josh Beckett – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, raising his ERA to 2.52. Whenever a pitcher returns from the DL, they are always a risky proposition. There should be a glossary term for a pitcher coming back from the DL and the risk involved. Please suggest in the comments.
Adrian Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. A lot of power in April (8 HRs), not so much since I said to sell him. In the end, he’ll probably be around a 22-homer hitter, which in common parlance is poopski.
Scott Van Slyke – Hit a pinch-hit homer, his 9th. If you would’ve drafted him just for his first home run in Australia, then went into a coma for four months, you’d have more homers from him than the guy who drafted Kemp.
Austin Jackson – 2-for-5, 2 runs. Another day, another couple of hits, another blurb telling you to pick him up. He’s at 53% ownership now, not good enough, guys and four girl readers.
Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Chase Anderson (6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks). In a matchup of Guess I Should Own Him vs. Guess I Should Stream Him, and it ended in a no decision for both, which feels appropriately meh.
David Peralta – 2-for-3, 3 runs. I’m gonna walk you through this while holding your hand. Metaphorically, please get your clams off me. Go through the lineups and see who’s hitting leadoff, then see who’s available, then see who’s hitting. Peralta’s at 6% owned. He’s hitting .329. Got it? Good.
Michael Cuddyer – Aiming to return in mid-August. Just in time to get his H2H owners excited to have him back for the playoffs, only to have their dreams shattered again when he re-injures himself in September.
Troy Tulowitzki – Hit the DL with a strained hip. Terrific. Can all Rockies players only get hurt while on extended road trips? Please. This is prime slugging season in Coors! On the serious tip, do high altitudes make one more injury prone? I’m asking for a friend that owns Tulo. On a side note, due to an extra roster spot for Tulo going to the DL, I dropped Angel Pagan from my DL spot and grabbed Josh Fields for s’s and g’s. Here’s my moves. That is Exhibit A when my friends and family try to have a fantasy intervention. I was so anxious to add crappy Josh Fields, I added crappier Josh Fields at first! My name is Grey and I am a Chronic Rosterbator.
Josh Rutledge – 2-for-5, 1 run. As I told anyone that asked yesterday, I’d grab Rutledge now that Tulo is on the DL and play him at least while they are in Coors.
DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. Forget Rutledge, anyone is worth adding while they are in Coors.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-5 and his 12th homer. Took two major injuries, but Dickerson finally found his way to the three-hole in the lineup. Hopefully he does so much damage that Walt Weiss overlooks that he’s not hitting .215 and sure-handed with grounders. “When I was your age, I played a nifty defense. Now get off my lawn!” That’s Walt Weiss.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Crazy to look at the Rockies lineup and compare it to last year. CarGo and their leadoff hitter is about all that is the same. Well, technically, their leadoff hitter last year was Dexter Fowler, but you catch my drift.
Ryan Zimmerman – Left yesterday’s game with a leg injury that looked like it would need a DL stint since he needed to be helped off the field. Drafting him is like you’re starving and you’ve heard about this place from a friend called California O, Pita. Then you get there and it turns out your friend has dyslexia and it’s California Patio furniture.
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. LaRoche is exactly the kind of 1st baseman the Rockies will sign, and then I’ll say but The Treasurer Ben Paulsen (2-for-4, 1 run) was money in the bank! Then we’ll laugh and tell short stories around a campfire.
Garrett Richards – Angels said they won’t limit his workload. The Sciosciapath said, “My donkey broke down, and the mule I ordered on eBay never showed up, so Richards is going to carry all my crap to every game.” Richards throwing over 200 IP is great for this year, and a real kick in the whosie-whats-its for next year.
Hector Santiago – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. I streamed him per the Stream-o-Nator and I dropped him prior to this game even ending. Like a fantasy baller!* *An exclamation that has been found to turn off even female sex addicts.
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Hush now, I need sleepers for next year.
Chase Whitley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.73 vs. Nick Martinez (5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.73.) In a matchup that was literally billed as Our Payroll Is $136 million And This Is The Crap We’re Throwing vs. Hey, Bucko, Our Payroll Is $202 Million.
Geovany Soto – To the DL with a groin strain. He hurt himself when the trainer was stretching him. Soto asked him to ease up on his leg, saying, “Easy,” and the trainer didn’t hear him and said, “Wider?” and Soto jerked up, straining himself.