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Ughhhhh, is it the playoffs yet? Why does this year seem to be taking longer than ever before? Maybe it’s because I’m in only free leagues this year and I feel like I’m having my back blown out by my boy, Mandingo (google him, NSFW), in each and every one of them. I was graciously offered the opportunity to relinquish my fantasy baseball posts in order to give 100 percent of my focus on the football side of things as we are ramping up for America’s new favorite pastime. I thought to myself, “Beddict, you have a life; chickens to feed, male thong ads to shoot, and an endless supply of women to satisfy, therefore none could truly blame you for focusing all your efforts into football. It’s not your fault Bryce Harper is a tool and Ryne Sandberg is the worst manager in baseball. MOST of your other advice has worked out splendidly. You’ve done enough…..” FEAR NOT, my friends, for the day I walk away from writing for baseball is the day Grey and Rudy show up at my immaculate abode, Chinese finger trap my bottom b*tch, film it, stomp me out afterward, and take back my framed Razzball certificate of employment. I know for a fact that I have at least TWO readers who enjoy these posts and I absolutely refuse to let them down as Nicolas Cage has his fans with his seemingly endless supply of duds. Yes, these next few weeks shall be permeated with more Beddict than ever before, covering both baseball and football, and that, my friends, is what’s known as a “Tehol Twofer.” That term is ordinarily reserved for when I sexually pulverize two women, back to back, but I believe this was newsworthy enough to borrow the term, though I’m borrowing it from myself, so I suppose it doesn’t matter. ANYWAY, let’s hop right in. I missed some action due to the fact I was reeling in Tyee’s up in Canada, but per usual, I’ll be giving it 110 percent. This is, Disgrace/Delight.

Players Who Delighted With Their Play:

Michael TaylorIt’s only been one game but hey, it was a good one. This sort of power/speed combo doesn’t grow on trees, so I’d sincerely advise you to swoop ASAP. Just so we’re clear, I’m not referring to the former Oakland A’s Michael Taylor in any way, shape or form, for that man is on Beddict’s all-time disgrace list. Back to the Washington Nationals’ Michael Taylor… Sometimes in fantasy, you must swing for the proverbial fences and throw some Orlando Bloom style haymakers. Just pray to the Elder Gods that you connect.

Javier BaezWell, I’m sold. Baez makes Xander Bogaerts look like Brendan Ryan and I’m being polite. Let’s put it this way: I severely overpaid for him in an auction keeper league and I have no problem paying the extra $5 bucks for next year. We are witnessing the next A-Rod, minus the needles in the butt, plus 2B eligibility. Is this real? Am I having a wet dream cuz it feels like the time I talked one of the extras from Saved By the Bell: The New Class into performing a rusty trombone and I’m not speaking symphonically, though she did receive a standing ovation from Screech and Mr. Belding when her performance was at an end.  With 4 jacks thus far, Baez will help many a team achieve fantasy glory in this year’s playoffs.

Chris CarterCarter is hotter than Paris Hilton’s va jay-jay during an outbreak and opposing pitchers should be avoiding him as such. Magna Carter is obliterating baseballs to the tune of a .410 average and 6 bombs in the past 7 days. I don’t believe Carter has ever hit over .400 in a day before let alone an entire week. This is more shocking than when the news came out about supposed drug dealing rapper, Rick Ross, was a former police officer and probable federal informant.

rickross

Rymer LirianoWait, I thought I stated that power/speed players don’t grow on trees? Maybe I was incorrect! Shocking, I know. Anyway, Liriano has been scorching the opposition like a 1000 burning suns and has been rewarded with a call up to the big leagues. He’s worth starting daily until he cools off. The man has never really hit above .300 in the minors for a full season, so like a rhino giving D to a hyena, somethings gotta give here.

Domonic BrownJust kidding.

Non MLB Delights:

Guardians of the GalaxyYou’re boy, TB, ain’t lyin to you when he informs you that GOTG is the finest film he’s witnessed in 2014. Chris Pratt is hysterical in the lead role with the rest of the team playing their roles to perfection…..For the most part anyway; I wasn’t exactly sold on Bradley Cooper as Rocket the raccoon.  It could be argued they could have found another superior character actor but I’m nitpicking here. A Marvel films production, massive action with the perfect mix of comedy? This, my friends, is what we call a “Beddict Blockbuster”. I hope Vin Diesel wasn’t paid more than  a couple hundred grand for his role but with that being said, go see this film immediately.

Robin Williams- RIP to one of the, if not THEE most naturally funny person on the planet. He didn’t luck out like a Seth Rogen, he was truly gifted, and his suicide is an absolute tragedy. Even more tragic than the fact Williams wasn’t cast in anything displaying his full range of comedic capabilities in the past 15 years. Remember the glory years and watch his stand-up, for this man was one of the all time greats. RIP.

Tehol Beddict- After smoking clove’s and drinking Mad Dogs with my main man, the Guru, I certainly didn’t look my best, but your boy was on his A-game. If you haven’t seen THIS video, watch it now. I’m being contacted by networks as we speak but I’ll never leave Razzball. Shout out to Capozzi and Sky. You guys are welcome here anytime.

 

Players Who Disgraced Themselves This Week:

Evan Longoria - Hitting .172 on the week with no jacks in the midst of a season? You disgracing your fantasy owners on a nightly basis is not the way you go about getting off Beddict’s shizzlers list. 14 bombs on the year? REALLY, DUDE?!?!? I expect this kind of peonic ineptitude from a Christian Slater or a Tonya Harding, but not from a guy who I’ve thought of as someone who had the potential to be a perennial MVP candidate when healthy. Bruh has been injury-free all season, yet is somehow having the most pathetic season of his career. It’s extremely difficult putting into words the distaste I know feel towards LongHo, because it’s truly one of the most disgraceful things I’ve ever witnessed. Did you see, CyrusYea, this is worse. Gross.

Adam WainwrightThe fact that Wainwright still holds a gorgeous 2.38 ERA speaks volumes about how dominant he was in the first half of the season. In his past 3 starts, Wainwright has been a human piñata, getting smacked around like Shia LaBeouf, and looking more and more like a man I will get to soon enough, Justin Verlander. His August ERA sits at a disgusting 5.59 with an ugly 1.50 WHIP. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt a Robert Downey Jr. style bounce back, but Wainwright owners should be concerned.

Justin VerlanderJV aren’t just Verlander’s initials, it’s the level of his miserable performances. I wouldn’t be shocked whatsoever if Kate Upton was reenacting “Free Willy” with both Max Scherzer and David Price as we speak. Heck, Porcello might even be giving her back shots. Who knows?! I’ll tell you what I do know; Justin Verlander has been downright horrendous in 2014 after a weak 2013. I can also comfortably inform you that the $28 mill per Detroit will be paying JV going forward stings worse than a horrific case of the Chlamydia I caught after a tryst with a woman (I think) in Thailand back in 97. It wouldn’t go as far as saying the Tigers are better off without Verlander, especially with Sanchez hitting the DL, but your fantasy team certainly is.

Non Baseball Disgraces

Kroy Biermann- Please tell me some of you guys/gals watch Hard Knocks!? LOL, this dude, Biermann, is most certainly the biggest toolshed I’ve ever witnessed. The Elder Gods no doubt frown upon his decision to marry the gold digger who I thought was 50 plus years old, but her profile says 36, Kim Zolciak. She’s the kind of woman you settle for after you get blacked out at a bar, have gone through your entire contact list, and can’t find a hooker that is able to work with your schedule. The fact that this money grubbing fame-grabber has lived the high life for so long disgusts me beyond belief. With all that being said, I’d def still tap THIS.

 

That is all I have for this week baseball wise but please keep me in mind for fantasy football advise as I will more than likely have something up this week. I know I mentioned it earlier but I’d say about .00001 percent of you actually read these in their entirety. As per usual all your comments and questions are greatly appreciated and I will get to them quite quickly as I’ve cleared my schedule for you this weekend. I might add that you may enjoy following me on Twitter at @Beddict143 as I’ve been known to deliver some quality commentary. Ain’t no thing like me, except me. Thanks for reading.

 

 

  1. Grey

    Grey says:
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    Agreed on Longo… You can take him back… Not that Bruce has been that great either… Beat Sky in the RCL ‘pert league, it’s your duty…

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Grey: Dude, I’ve been out of town. This just isn’t my year. I’ll try and step it up for the stretch run and by the Gods I solemnly swear to return with a vengeance stronger than the flames of Mordor

    • Sky

      Sky says:
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      @Grey: How dare you, sir. HOW. DARE. YOU.

      • Grey

        Grey says:
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        Nice trade of Dee Gordon for Addison Reed, btw…Making chasing Rudy that much more fun!

        • Sky

          Sky says:
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          I’m glad I could entertain you some way! It’s sure not entertaining me…

          • Tehol Beddict says:
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            @Sky: ouch

            • Sky

              Sky says:
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              I think Jay drafted like 10 closers. All I got was the two Sergios: Romo/Santos. We know how that worked out.

              • Tehol Beddict says:
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                @Sky: I was always a santos fan…..until he started getting ass blasted this year

                • Sky

                  Sky says:
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                  His control is about as good as Steve Carell’s at the end of ’40 Year Old Virgin’

                  • Tehol Beddict says:
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                    @Sky: that comment aroused me immensely

                    • Sky

                      Sky says:
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                      I gotta get my wife to read my comments!

                  • Tehol Beddict says:
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                    @Sky: your wife should read my diary

                    • Tehol Beddict says:
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                      @Tehol Beddict: its like Penthouse Letters

                    • Sky

                      Sky says:
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                      I can’t let you into her life, Tehol; even in paperback format. I may never get her back.

  2. Clint says:
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    My gf and I paused on a “Don’t Be Tardy…” tv marathon once while flipping channels and she asked who Biermann was. I explained he was a lot like Kendra’s tranny-chasin-squeeze Hank Baskett: barely maintains an NFL roster spot, constantly injured, and lives off his wife’s fame. Her response was “Well Kim doesn’t really have any formal fame to speak of.” To which I replied, “Touche’.”

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Clint: I believe he had one decent season but jake matthews has been beating the breaks off him in practice and his money grubbing wife is the definition of a disgrace. your wife is right on point here

  3. The Thumb says:
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    Matt Adams droppable yet? Talk about a 2nd half DISGRACE

    I own both Carter and Ortiz for 1B anythewho

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Thumb: don’t u dare thumb!!! Hold on. He gonna explode. Who would u drop him foe?

    • Spyre says:
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      @The Thumb: I dropped him in May and didn’t regret it once.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Spyre: I’m attached.

  4. pasha says:
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    Already gearing up for next year… do i can keep 4. Baez, polanco, arrieta, carter, puig, pederson, goldschmidt. HELP!!!

    • Heatcheck3 says:
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      @pasha: gold, Puig, Baez, polanco

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Heatcheck3: Heatcheck is on point here. ????????????????????

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @pasha: Baez, puig, Polanco, Goldy. No question. Lock it up and sleep like a baby

  5. Kutty says:
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    Traded Baez/Rios for B.Hamilton/Hardy. I have two players with double digit SB totals on my roster. J.Bruce and D.Jennings. I know it’s too late now but did I make the right move? Also have Castro too.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Kutty: for this season it shouldn’t kill you. I’m just hoping it’s not a keeper league. ????

  6. Halkster says:
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    Is Fiers legit?
    Kinda think of him as a smoke and mirrors guy
    He has been successful in the past but also exposed, no?
    Should I make room for him?
    This is my team
    C JP / dl McCann
    1 Bautista
    2 Gordon
    3 aramis
    Ss Baez/ Castro bench
    O billy Hamilton
    O holiday
    O puig
    U j upton
    U Bruce
    Bench jd Martinez
    Bench Castro
    Sp tehern
    Sp wood
    Rp uehara
    Rp rosenthal
    P Benoit
    P Cassilla
    P krod
    P kluber
    Bench mchugh
    Bench Kennedy
    Bench Pineda

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Halkster: hard to say but he 29 years old. Doesn’t do much for me. You good, playa

  7. Chris Taylor or Omar Infante going down the stretch for a MI that won’t kill me in average. This Taylor looks like he might be my choice but I don’t know to much about his minor league stats to tell if it’s a fluke your thoughts fellows

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Dnut eastwood: he’s been raking in minors last couple years. I feel pretty good about him. More upside. Infante solid vet tho

  8. SabathiaWouldBeGoodAtTheEighthToo says:
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    Talk to me of Gio Gonzalez. I think we are getting to the point in the season where I would be happier seeing him on my opponents team than on my own. I have to drop someone to take Pineda off the DL before Monday, and my options are Gio, Colon, Ventura (innings limit?) and maybe Tillman? I think Gio is the guy. Crazy?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @SabathiaWouldBeGoodAtTheEighthToo: not crazy whatsoever. dude has been atrocious. Peonic even. been a wasted season for him. I’m fine dropping him

  9. Paul says:
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    Will Liriano donkey kick me in the playoffs now that I trust starting him anywhere?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Paul: I think you should be ok there, Paul. Im obviously not 100 percent sold but I feel pretty good about him no doubt.

      • Duda Want to Build a Snowman? says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Definitely like seeing the consistently low BBs (today aside). (for some reason my username changes between desktop and mobile).

  10. Joe says:
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    Tehol would you trade mat adams for alex cobb?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Joe: totally depends on your team setup. are u in need of pitching? if so I’d say yea do that

      • Joe says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: i have grienke,Teherán,sonny gray,jake arrieta, rick porcello,andrew cashner,garrit colé,jesse Hhan

        • Joe says:
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          @Joe: it looks solid but They are not pitching good right now

          • Tehol Beddict says:
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            @Joe: riiiiiight. looks nasty on paper. are u solid at 1st base?

            • Joe says:
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              @Tehol Beddict: i have Adrián González

              • Tehol Beddict says:
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                @Joe: can u play Adams in utility or 1b/3b? I’m obviously a huge fan of his but he hasn’t lived up to expectations. don’t have a huge problem with trade

  11. The Duchess says:
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    What a great article. You have such great taste in everything and give such good fantasy baseball advice.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Duchess: someone’s in a bad mood.

  12. Julio White says:
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    Holy shit, you still work here?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Julio White: yep, ESPN wasn’t able to pry me away. Even with a 7 figure salary. Im that dedicated

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: haters mean you’re doing something right. Keep being you

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @J-FOH: haters gon hate but I’m still gonna masturbate

          • Tehol Beddict says:
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            @Tehol Beddict: metaphorically

  13. J-FOH says:
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    I loved Guardians of the Galaxy i agree it was the best movie I saw in 2014 and my child now is interested in classic rock (thats a good thing) because of that movie

    I always loved Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam. I remember my dad bought the soundtrack on cassette and it plays snippets of his bits from the movie on the tape.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @J-FOH: @J-FOH: for real! I need that soundtrack. I was feelin it in a major way.

      Good morning Vietnam is a certified hood classic.

  14. frankgrimes says:
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    I’m stuck at work so Im part of the .001% that read the whole thing
    why does the link in your blurb lead to that douche lebeof on tmz
    guess that’s proof I’m the only one who read the whole thing HA!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @frankgrimes: HAHAHAHAHAHAH. cuz i was talking about someone getting slapped around like LBeof did in that video. He’s in that new Brad Pitt movie right?

      • frankgrimes says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:
        guess since it was linked twice I got confused haha
        peace and love
        peace and love

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @frankgrimes: I must have accidentally linked it twice. i wonder which classic i accidentally replaced with it. FML. oh well. its a good one. i sometimes keep it on repeat for hours

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @frankgrimes: and thank you reading, Frank. you da man

    • J-FOH says:
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      @frankgrimes: I clicked and was confused until I stopped to enjoy the beatdown.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @J-FOH: nothing like shia getting LaBeaufed

  15. Robert says:
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    Fowler or Pollock?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Robert: Pollock AKA tha one dey call da fish

  16. Dave says:
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    In 11 team 7×7 yahoo roster (C, 1B, 2B, SS, 3B, 3OF, 2 UT) with QS, holds, obp and slg, I was offered Dickerson, Chris Davis and Wade Davis for Bautista. Wade Davis I can slot in SP slot as holds guy.

    My other OF and UT bats are J Up, Yelich, Polanco, Rajai, Ortiz and Pagan.

    The holds, extra bat, the chance on Chris Davis could help but worried trading Bautista is just stupid. Other guy wants him since he is out of it (I am in first, barely winning).

    Should I stand pat or pull the trigger on getting the trio?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Dave: Make the trade. Davis is gonna mash and dickerson a legend in the making

      • Dave says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Is this for real? or are you being sarcastic? Either way, thanks for the advice

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Dave: I’m dead serious. i wouldn’t do you like that buddy

        • apoxonbothyourhouses says:
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          @Dave:

          i assume that he’s being honest. I could see Dickerson MASHING for the rest of the season now that Cargo is, again, on the shelf. If it’s a keeper league, Dickerson could also be legit next year, especially if the rumors of a possible Cargo trade for pitching are true.

          • Tehol Beddict says:
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            @apoxonbothyourhouses: yea, either way its a must do. id do in a second and sleep like a baby

              • Tehol Beddict

                Tehol Beddict says:
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                @Dave: no problem broham

  17. Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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    still don’t get the slapping reference to you, guru, nick, and sky. unless reason guru is gone has something to do with fight he was in with one of you other guys. which is certainly probable.

  18. Joe says:
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    Tehol would you trade melky cabrera for David price?

    • Tehol Beddict

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Joe: yes, without question

Comments are closed.