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The man, the myth, the legend. I speak not of young Xander, he who was blessed to be featured in this article, but of myself, Tehol Beddict, good at many things and great at more. Greetings noble readers! It is you that keeps me cognizant at 4 am, even with an enormous modeling audition tomorrow in Vegas. I’d rather pluck and eat my pet chicken than dissatisfy what few consistent readers I have. That is saying something, for my chicken has been with me now for 7 years, accompanying me on my countless cross country trips and movie shoots. She even attended a recent Kenny Chesney concert with myself and my good buddy Riley Cooper. WHOOPS! Without Beatrice I would be lost, but if I were to lose you readers I would likely go back to the bath salts, possibly eat human flesh, and start writing for footballnation.com again. Those were loathsome times I tell you.

Enough about me. Let’s get into the rumors concerning Xander Bogaerts, and when/if he is called up, what kind of numbers he will put up. First of all I truly believe Bogey will be called up within the next week. Winning this division is going to be a dogfight, and not the kind Michael Vick was involved in. You know, because there are no actual dogs. It’s a metaphor. I would never harm dogs other than the time I was chased by a wild pack of mongrels in Thailand. Filthy beasts almost killed me. Anyway, Bogaerts has been playing third on the reg and is performing at a far superior level than that of William Middlebrooks. I want all you beautiful people to temper your expectations a bit as the kid from Aruba can swing the stick but he’s no Peter North if you get my drift. Xander has 14 homers total on the year in minor league play, so anything close to 10 for the rest of the season would be well above my expectations. The average will be solid and he will be hitting in an immensely talented lineup. Regretfully, Bogs will be batting 8th or 9th in the order, though I still believe he will be a factor. Is he worth stashing for a few days to witness whether this Aruban Prince is the second coming of Manny Machado? Your dear friend Beddict would say: Mos Def. Is Bogaerts going to save your season and put on a Mike Trout type show? If I’m forced  to be honest, then I’m going to say no. But hey, it could happen.

Let’s hop right in, for I still need to do 400 squat thrusts as well as have a friend shave my ass for the audition tomorrow and it’s getting late.

Kevin Gregg - In a time when I believed that all the washed up bums were out of baseball, Gregg manages to keep a spot on an MLB roster. Not only does this peon have a roster spot, he has the closer job on lockdown. This sorry excuse for a pitcher has saved over 20 games but only the elder Gods know how. He’s so godawful that even with 20 something saves, no playoff contender would even flip a D level prospect for him. I want nothing more than to see him gone. Daddy, make it stop. Too harsh?

Pedro Strop - Was it worth holding Strop for the past week, believing Chicago would dump Gregg on some poor team that somehow didn’t know any better? If you don’t count that 5 earned in 1/3 of an inning then sure. F%*k!!!!!

Ike Davis - Ike has regressed so substantially, that not even Emilio Estevez can relate anymore…………Emiliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiio!

Josh Johnson - How’s this stat line: 2.1 innings, 1o hits, 2 walks, 1 k, and 6 earned!?!?!? Johnson should from now on be known only as the human “Chinese Finger Trap, considering he’s getting bent over and plugged as well as blowing wang simultaneously. I’m not even going to look up what that is in points league scoring since I’m assuming that none of you actually still own this scrub. Dude is more washed up than Macaulay Culkin.

Jason Heyward - J-bone is a hot boy and I’m not speaking of B.G., Lil Wayne, Juvenile, or Young Turk. Wow, that just inspired me to do a full Cash Money records post. Be prepared. Anyway, Heyward is hotter than wasabi and I expect a monstrous finish. With your fantasy winnings, you could buy a diamond chain or some Lorenzos on Yokahama tires. BLING BLING!!!

Rafael Betancourt - Great timing on the whole appendectomy fiasco. At this point Stephen Baldwin has a greater chance at becoming an A-list actor than Rafael does at converting 10 more saves.

Domonic Brown - Justin Morneau all over again!!!! I CAN’T SLEEP AT NIGHT!!!

Jake Peavy - My boy, “The Guru,” who writes for Razzball, has been flooding my Twitter page with his complaints about his “SOX” trading for the Peavster. I, for one, don’t understand it. Nothing too major was given up, plus they receive his services for next season as well. Peavy is better than his numbers indicate this year and I love the move to Boston as he will get some run support. Side note: I used to reside in San Diego and remember when Peavy pitched there. Man, that guy bagged countless beazles. Beautiful eyes.

Chris Archer – This isn’t like when Dane Cook went on a hot streak. Archer actually possesses talent. Buy, buy, buy!

Tony Cingrani - Was I the only one who benched this strike out king at the Dodgers? I’m sure you recall the 7 inning, 1 hit, 11 k performance where he treated a red hot L.A. team like peasants trying to gain entrance to a royal ball. Yeah, living that one down is gonna be tough.

Julio Teheran – J.T. has magic stuff in his repertoire like my boy Quick Ben. Two dominant starts in a row only further the legend of Teheran as he is a must start going forward, no matter the opponent.

Justin Morneau – HOMER NUMBER 9!!! Morneau is officially over his concussion suffered from for what seems like 15 years and regained his MVP form. I’m kidding obviously.

The Chicago White Sox- Just an atrocious organization.

Zack Wheeler – Wheels has stuff so dominant it might make the great Anomander Rake shake in his boots. His flirtation with a no-no this week got me more aroused than seeing Kelly Kapowski in Saved By The Bell reruns. I like Wheeler to finish long, strong, and down to get the friction on.

Eric Hosmer - I’m sorry: I hate Hosmer too much for what he did to me last season to write anything positive regarding his play.

Gio Gonzalez – The once stupendous Gio went to Detroit and lost his composure like Charlie Sheen in a whorehouse…..Or a crack house for that matter. Both work.

Johnny CuetoTanks fer nuttin!!!! This never ending lat problem stings worse than that rough case of gonorrhea I picked up in Viet Nam.

Jason Giambi – Did I dream that Gambino was still in the major leagues? Did I also dream that he hit a walk off homer this week? Did I dream that Giambi was at all fantasy relevant in the past 5 seasons? That would be a definite no on the third question.

Bud Norris - In a year from now we could be talking about Bud Norris as a Cy Young candidate. That was obviously stated in jest. I don’t consider him fantasy relevant and neither should you.

Ian Kennedy - What does it say about you when a team hoping to make the playoffs trades you mid season 2 years after you won over 20 games? It probably says that you blow elephant shaft.

Yadier Molina - Should I feel bad about not feeling bad about Molina’s injury? How did he become so dominant? Biogenesis???

Joey Votto – I witnessed a more impressive power display in the celebrity soft ball challenge during the all-star break than I have throughout Votto’s entire season. Drink a protein shake dude. Jesus.

Salvador Perez – Now I know Grey really likes this guy. Why, you ask? I can’t answer that.

Todd Frazier – A disappointment of epic proportions. Probably similar to how many of you are to your parents.

Jurickson Profar – I’d like a ten page explanation on why Profar is on the major league roster right now. No steals, no power, no average. One year ago people were telling me Profar was better than Machado. No longer.

Justin Masterson – One of my preseason breakout stars. The boy keeps eating. Buy, buy, buy.

Josh Hamilton – The glorious hot streak you’ve been awaiting will be arriving now.

Matt Kemp – What makes this guy think he deserves Braun’s MVP trophy? Oh yea, Braun was doing roids. At this point, Kemp’s just a fading memory as the Dodgers are white hot without him. Out till September with ankle injury? Yea, you drafting Kemp with your first round pick is now officially a terrible decision.

That is all I have for you this week boys/girls. As per usual your comments will be responded too almost instantaneously, even though I’ll be spread eagle in Vegas. It’s gonna be over 110 degrees with a 100 % chance of snow. Trust me, I’ll be up all night at the Spearmint Rhino. Hit me up on here and please follow me on twitter at @TeholBeddict47. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed.

From Around The Web

  1. matt says:
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    Glad I held Hey and picked him off cheap in another league I traded headcase alex cobb for him months ago. Didn’t care for the yadi joke since he’s my fav player. We agree on one thing though. The sox are a terrible org. And their announcer / GM Hawk No numbers guy Harrelson is a dipshit. Good day

    • BTDRNKS says:
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      @matt: You were fleeced.

      • matt says:
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        @BTDRNKS: I was fleeced? How do you figure? Heywards on fire..cobb is collecting splinters in his arse

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @matt: nice work. Cobb isnt even on my radar right now.good day to you too sir

      • matt says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Haha..IKR? He’s obviously on somebodys radar ? or gaydar. . Either way I know that I wasn’t fleeced becuz my 96 roto pts. Tells me so.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @matt: uhhhh heyward over cobb any day pimp juice

  2. RyuDunnIanMaJanssen says:
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    Your ian kennedy comment made me laugh out loud. Loud enough for me to take the time out of my day to spell out “LOL”. Two q’s for you brother, 1) Im holding Strop in a 14 team league where i only have 2 closers, Holland and Perez. Continue to hold? I dont buy this Dane De La Rosa guy his numbers are pretty bad for a guy to hand the 9th, and Frieri sounds like he will samarai sword anyone who tells him hes not closing anymore so theres that, but hes available to make a swap under your recommendation…i could also stash both ha! Shoot me. Was speculating a Carlos Martine stash but then Kelly looked good again. Kellys available too. 2) Ive been trying to grab Bogaerts everywhere I could since the 2b/ss position isnt too deep on waivers and nicky franklin like to strikeout and go 0-fer whenever he no go homer. Drop Franklin for Bogaerts? This is a different league in which i have depth at closer and Strop is sitting way down on the waiver wire.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @RyuDunnIanMaJanssen: I wouldnt drip franklin amd yws id hild strop in 14 teamer at least for next week or 2. I wish martinez would get called up as well. Hes a monster.i still believe frieri will be the guy

  3. matt says:
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    I’d hold franklin for now unless you have more depth at that position if you do then sure..he’s coming up eventually. Especially if middlecrooks keeps hitting (the pine)

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @matt: agreeeed playa

  4. Jason says:
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    emillioooooooo! lol

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jason: hahahahahaha

  5. DiRo says:
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    Any idea when Alfredo Gonzalez can be added in ESPN leagues?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @DiRo: hopefully soon

  6. Josh says:
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    In a H2H 10-team Keeper(keep12) have 2 trades i’m considering:
    Hes offered My Kipnis for His Kuroda/Rivera/Lohse
    I’ve offered My Kipnis/Rizzo/Perkins for His Kershaw/Kuroda/Rivera
    Please grade/comment on these two trades (also, I very much need pitching)

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Josh: if u meed pitching I would do both trades. The second with kershaw is an A plus for u so pull that if you can. U absolutely win that deal by a huge margin

    • matt says:
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      @Josh: I’d say you’d be trippin to trade a 5 tool player like kipnis for any pitcher. That’s me. . And that’s something I’d never do.

      • matt says:
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        @matt: Unless kershaw was avail. But def not kuroda. Still don’t like either trade for you unless you’re desperate for pitching

        • matt says:
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          @matt: Sry..I’m half asleepat my desk today for some reason I cannot read. I’m biased I’m a believer in streaming more than half of my starts in points. But Kershaw is def worth it especially if you’ll be able to keep him.

          • Tehol Beddict says:
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            @matt: whoa whoa whoa bro. Kipnis wont keep up and kershaw a top 10 pick in any format best pitcher in game. U do it

  7. Mariner Mike says:
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    Just a comment. Am starting the most OVERRATED MI’s ever in A.Cabarra and A.Hill . Am hoping Bogarts gets Bosox to start him as he is SS eligible so I can shit can Cabarra and at second am hoping something anything or anyone shows up on my waiver wire so I can bid Hill adeau. Now for a recommendation would you go with Lester tonight against Az. Has been strong lately. Thank you for reading my frustrations and the advice,have a good week end.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Mariner Mike: definitely yes on Lester. Thats tacoma wa finest baby. Thabks for the comment and thanks for stopping by

      • Mariner Mike says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: From Seattle man thanks for the reply

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Mariner Mike: thank you sir. Wow sorry to see lester get lit. Thats kind of strange.

    • matt says:
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      @Mariner Mike: Yes in all formats

  8. Mariner Mike says:
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    One more advice question do you like Corbin’s start in Boston? Once again thank you for the time.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Mariner Mike: a little tougher to project than Lester but hes been lights. If u feel like gambling a bit go for it but id prob sit especially if u have starter limit

      • matt says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Toss up but in points I’m throwing him tonight roto I’d sit that’s my opinion. Good luck

  9. Jack Full of Hate says:
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    I was scared to read the article, with tea party in the title and you being a model I was expecting group tea bagging with blindfolds and handcuffs. Wait, I saw that on porn hub last week…….and before I get to my questions/statements I have to admit that I follow you more on Twitter than in here, grey is so damn alluring, and the Guru has some scotch fueled blasts of peavy, when he goes 8 innings and K’s 12 with 3 hits and a walk, the Guru will become enlightened. Sorry one last pointless ramble before I get to the meat of this, did grey use to troll the Saint Whale’s Vagina for talent, you and jay Wrong, both being former Diegans is a weird coincidence. Any the hoo, I still think Gregg gets moved through waivers but does Strop get the job, it could be Russel or Parker or anyone, what do you think is the best way to rank that shituation?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jack Full of Hate: yo yo yo oh hateful one. Thank u for gracing my post with ur presence. U dont wanma knlw what grey made me do for this job. Guru needs to relax. Peavy might make them legit contender. Too me it seems strop is closer in waiting. I mean they had him oitching the 8th innings and the manager said he wpuld probably get job. I have no clue why some think russell will get the job.Hopwfully strop doesnt bblowit in these next few weeks. Bout to take off for vegas. Ill hollllla

      • Jack Full of Hate says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: don’t do anything I wouldn’t….wait, nah, Do It, rum and coke, do it…….

        Have fun,.you flying or driving?

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Jack Full of Hate: flying right now. Should be out of control.

          • The Guru

            The Guru says:
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            Jake Peavy and I are getting an apartment together. Bunk beds! More room for activities. His 12.00 ERA in the playoffs will be the death of me. Enjoy Vegas and the Drink and Drag Lounge.

            • Tehol Beddict says:
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              @The Guru: spearmint rhino got a little weird last night

  10. Mariner Mike says:
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    Sorry but need one more thought, if I don’t start Corbin then my choice’s are starting Smardja against Dodgers or Dubront against Az. what do you think of these choices against Corbins start. Which one of these do you like best end of week and holding small lead. Once again thank you much for the thoughts.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Mariner Mike: smard for sho. Upside for great outing.

  11. Kruppe says:
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    Tehol, Bugg just called. He needs you back on your throne!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Kruppe: KRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPE my boy!!!! Its beem ages my friend. You just made my day by stopping in. We must get together soon and have some wine and cakes. Bug and I are doing quite well.

  12. this reads like a transcript from a Fantasy-Baseball-Player Hater’s Ball haha. now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go put some water in Matt Cain’s mama’s bowl

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Sheriff McRawDawg: hahaha is that a good thing? Thanks for checkin in raw dog. I just went raw dog last night myself.

  13. Wallpaper Paterson says:
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    Interesting. Jake Peavy practiced bestiality in San Diego. What a sick puppy.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Wallpaper Paterson: if by beastiality you mean did blow and ass blasted hot chicks u are 100 percent right

      • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: I thought beazles was supposed to be beagles.

  14. Pope says:
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    Tehol, amazing stuff. I don’t know what else to say. Epic

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Pope: thank you oh godly pope

  15. Jason says:
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    In an NL-Only Dynasty, I was offered Starling Castro and Dom Brown for my Segura. Am I crazy for considering it?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jason: I would probably do it quite honestly. Castro has to bounce back in a major way and I think he will. Dom brown is my boy.

  16. Black & White says:
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    I can’t be the only one who is confused and trying to read the lines between funny and what the ____ are you trying to say about this player.

    • matt says:
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      @Black & White: I understood exactly what he was highlighting. Some suck donkey balls and shouldn’t be owned & others just take the tip halfway in the mouth, and the rest are somewhat straight or married with children. Make sense? Ha

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Black & White: feel free to ask about a certain player and ill clear it up for u sir. Sorry for the misunderstanding

  17. TKilla says:
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    Should I add leonis, chris johnson, arenado, saunders, rasmus, or LoMo in my UTIL spot for the ROS? My gut says Johnson since the Braves remaining SOS is probably the easiest in the MLB going forward, but wanted your opinion. Thanks

    10-team H2H points league

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @TKilla: johnson doesnt seem to be regressing at all so yea thats prob a safe pick. Rasmus has been killin it but kind of streaky. I say johnson is your safest best. sorry about late response. I was traveling

  18. One I'd Willy says:
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    Sorry I’m late to the party. Great read as usual. In a points keeper You like Homer Baily at $5, Samardzja at $6 or Anibel at $6.
    Other guys I’m keeping are Adam Jones $25 Wil Myers $3, Profar $3, Yelich $3, Max $13 and Strausburg $18

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @One I’d Willy: Im a very big Samardzja supporter so I’d go that route no question. Glad you enjoyed. keep coming back

Comments are closed.