The man, the myth, the legend. I speak not of young Xander, he who was blessed to be featured in this article, but of myself, Tehol Beddict, good at many things and great at more. Greetings noble readers! It is you that keeps me cognizant at 4 am, even with an enormous modeling audition tomorrow in Vegas. I’d rather pluck and eat my pet chicken than dissatisfy what few consistent readers I have. That is saying something, for my chicken has been with me now for 7 years, accompanying me on my countless cross country trips and movie shoots. She even attended a recent Kenny Chesney concert with myself and my good buddy Riley Cooper. WHOOPS! Without Beatrice I would be lost, but if I were to lose you readers I would likely go back to the bath salts, possibly eat human flesh, and start writing for footballnation.com again. Those were loathsome times I tell you.
Enough about me. Let’s get into the rumors concerning Xander Bogaerts, and when/if he is called up, what kind of numbers he will put up. First of all I truly believe Bogey will be called up within the next week. Winning this division is going to be a dogfight, and not the kind Michael Vick was involved in. You know, because there are no actual dogs. It’s a metaphor. I would never harm dogs other than the time I was chased by a wild pack of mongrels in Thailand. Filthy beasts almost killed me. Anyway, Bogaerts has been playing third on the reg and is performing at a far superior level than that of William Middlebrooks. I want all you beautiful people to temper your expectations a bit as the kid from Aruba can swing the stick but he’s no Peter North if you get my drift. Xander has 14 homers total on the year in minor league play, so anything close to 10 for the rest of the season would be well above my expectations. The average will be solid and he will be hitting in an immensely talented lineup. Regretfully, Bogs will be batting 8th or 9th in the order, though I still believe he will be a factor. Is he worth stashing for a few days to witness whether this Aruban Prince is the second coming of Manny Machado? Your dear friend Beddict would say: Mos Def. Is Bogaerts going to save your season and put on a Mike Trout type show? If I’m forced to be honest, then I’m going to say no. But hey, it could happen.
Let’s hop right in, for I still need to do 400 squat thrusts as well as have a friend shave my ass for the audition tomorrow and it’s getting late.
Kevin Gregg - In a time when I believed that all the washed up bums were out of baseball, Gregg manages to keep a spot on an MLB roster. Not only does this peon have a roster spot, he has the closer job on lockdown. This sorry excuse for a pitcher has saved over 20 games but only the elder Gods know how. He’s so godawful that even with 20 something saves, no playoff contender would even flip a D level prospect for him. I want nothing more than to see him gone. Daddy, make it stop. Too harsh?
Pedro Strop - Was it worth holding Strop for the past week, believing Chicago would dump Gregg on some poor team that somehow didn’t know any better? If you don’t count that 5 earned in 1/3 of an inning then sure. F%*k!!!!!
Josh Johnson - How’s this stat line: 2.1 innings, 1o hits, 2 walks, 1 k, and 6 earned!?!?!? Johnson should from now on be known only as the human “Chinese Finger Trap, considering he’s getting bent over and plugged as well as blowing wang simultaneously. I’m not even going to look up what that is in points league scoring since I’m assuming that none of you actually still own this scrub. Dude is more washed up than Macaulay Culkin.
Jason Heyward - J-bone is a hot boy and I’m not speaking of B.G., Lil Wayne, Juvenile, or Young Turk. Wow, that just inspired me to do a full Cash Money records post. Be prepared. Anyway, Heyward is hotter than wasabi and I expect a monstrous finish. With your fantasy winnings, you could buy a diamond chain or some Lorenzos on Yokahama tires. BLING BLING!!!
Rafael Betancourt - Great timing on the whole appendectomy fiasco. At this point Stephen Baldwin has a greater chance at becoming an A-list actor than Rafael does at converting 10 more saves.
Domonic Brown - Justin Morneau all over again!!!! I CAN’T SLEEP AT NIGHT!!!
Jake Peavy - My boy, “The Guru,” who writes for Razzball, has been flooding my Twitter page with his complaints about his “SOX” trading for the Peavster. I, for one, don’t understand it. Nothing too major was given up, plus they receive his services for next season as well. Peavy is better than his numbers indicate this year and I love the move to Boston as he will get some run support. Side note: I used to reside in San Diego and remember when Peavy pitched there. Man, that guy bagged countless beazles. Beautiful eyes.
Chris Archer – This isn’t like when Dane Cook went on a hot streak. Archer actually possesses talent. Buy, buy, buy!
Tony Cingrani - Was I the only one who benched this strike out king at the Dodgers? I’m sure you recall the 7 inning, 1 hit, 11 k performance where he treated a red hot L.A. team like peasants trying to gain entrance to a royal ball. Yeah, living that one down is gonna be tough.
Julio Teheran – J.T. has magic stuff in his repertoire like my boy Quick Ben. Two dominant starts in a row only further the legend of Teheran as he is a must start going forward, no matter the opponent.
Justin Morneau – HOMER NUMBER 9!!! Morneau is officially over his concussion suffered from for what seems like 15 years and regained his MVP form. I’m kidding obviously.
The Chicago White Sox- Just an atrocious organization.
Zack Wheeler – Wheels has stuff so dominant it might make the great Anomander Rake shake in his boots. His flirtation with a no-no this week got me more aroused than seeing Kelly Kapowski in Saved By The Bell reruns. I like Wheeler to finish long, strong, and down to get the friction on.
Eric Hosmer - I’m sorry: I hate Hosmer too much for what he did to me last season to write anything positive regarding his play.
Gio Gonzalez – The once stupendous Gio went to Detroit and lost his composure like Charlie Sheen in a whorehouse…..Or a crack house for that matter. Both work.
Jason Giambi – Did I dream that Gambino was still in the major leagues? Did I also dream that he hit a walk off homer this week? Did I dream that Giambi was at all fantasy relevant in the past 5 seasons? That would be a definite no on the third question.
Bud Norris - In a year from now we could be talking about Bud Norris as a Cy Young candidate. That was obviously stated in jest. I don’t consider him fantasy relevant and neither should you.
Ian Kennedy - What does it say about you when a team hoping to make the playoffs trades you mid season 2 years after you won over 20 games? It probably says that you blow elephant shaft.
Yadier Molina - Should I feel bad about not feeling bad about Molina’s injury? How did he become so dominant? Biogenesis???
Joey Votto – I witnessed a more impressive power display in the celebrity soft ball challenge during the all-star break than I have throughout Votto’s entire season. Drink a protein shake dude. Jesus.
Salvador Perez – Now I know Grey really likes this guy. Why, you ask? I can’t answer that.
Todd Frazier – A disappointment of epic proportions. Probably similar to how many of you are to your parents.
Jurickson Profar – I’d like a ten page explanation on why Profar is on the major league roster right now. No steals, no power, no average. One year ago people were telling me Profar was better than Machado. No longer.
Justin Masterson – One of my preseason breakout stars. The boy keeps eating. Buy, buy, buy.
Josh Hamilton – The glorious hot streak you’ve been awaiting will be arriving now.
Matt Kemp – What makes this guy think he deserves Braun’s MVP trophy? Oh yea, Braun was doing roids. At this point, Kemp’s just a fading memory as the Dodgers are white hot without him. Out till September with ankle injury? Yea, you drafting Kemp with your first round pick is now officially a terrible decision.
That is all I have for you this week boys/girls. As per usual your comments will be responded too almost instantaneously, even though I’ll be spread eagle in Vegas. It’s gonna be over 110 degrees with a 100 % chance of snow. Trust me, I’ll be up all night at the Spearmint Rhino. Hit me up on here and please follow me on twitter at @TeholBeddict47. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed.