David Wright has a stress fracture in his lower back. It’s the new Mets, same as the old Mess! I find it hard to believe this is still The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard, but who else is evil eyeing them? George Foster? (BTW, If George Foster ever evil eyed you for longer than 5 seconds, you’d turn to stone. Fact!) The Mets are downplaying Wright’s injury, but what else is new with the Mets? Let’s look at their truthiness in some recent reports: In 2009, “Reyes will be out for a few days.” In reality, he’s only fully recovered two years later. In 2009, “Beltran will be out for three to five days.” In reality, he missed two seasons. “K-Rod and his stepfather, an up and coming videographer, were remaking the “Beat It” video.” In reality, K-Rod blew Kabuki white powder into his stepfather’s face and hit him over the head with a metal chair. So the Mets are saying Wright might miss only a week and a half to two weeks. Um, okay. Even if he returns quickly, a stress fracture in his lower back isn’t going to hurt his power? Yeah, that’s rhetorical. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Reyes – 2-for-5, 2 steals. Now has 16 steals on the year. How do you motivate overpaid athletes? With the allure of being vastly overpaid.
Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 Ks. That’s nice, I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him and I throw like a girl. My apologies to our three girl readers, I’m sure you are all bulldykes with strong arms.
Hanley Ramirez – Moved to the two hole, which is where you find crap, and he went 0-for-6. Voila!
Josh Johnson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Left the game with a forearm contusion. No word yet on how long he’ll be out, but once someone reads it somewhere else they will update us in the comments.
Justin Turner – Overdrive! 2-for-5 with a double and a RBI. Know why I mentioned the double when I don’t usually? Cause I’m trying to find nice things to say. Go with it.
Cliff Lee – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks. Six walks for The Adverb? Did he throw that many all of last year? Hopeful Lee, it’s just a mechanics thing-a-ma-whosie.
Chase Utley – Could be back within the next two weeks. So this is either a great time to sell or hold. I don’t think I’d buy unless I really needed to shake things up on my team and I could get him for cheap. If your entire league is tentative because of Utley’s recent health track record is rivaling that of the “It’s merely a flesh wound” guy, then you hold. If someone wants to take the risk for a decent price, you sell. Deal? Yeah, deal.
Dustin Ackley – Guess what ya’ll we’re gonna talk about the Mariners! Snooze. But we’re talking about the top Mariners prospect! Yawn. But it’s Dustin Ackley and he hit 5 homers and stole 2 bases in Triple-A last year over 237 plate appearances! Burp. So far this year, he’s been better with power and speed — 5 homers and 6 steals through 38 games. His average has been yawnstipating at best. Speaking of yawnstipating, Ackley’s projected for the kind of numbers I don’t like in fantasy. He’s potentially a 12/12 guy this year if called up within the next two weeks, as it’s being reported he will be. Assuming he has 2nd base eligibility (which he does not yet have in Yahoo for some godforsaken reason), he’s a MILF (Middle Infielder I’d take a Flyer on).
Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks with his 5th win and a 2.45 ERA on the year. He’s great, I like him a lot, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Twins’ hitting is offensive in all the wrong ways.
Colby Rasmus – Strained muscle in his stomach. He’s saying he’ll be fine. You know, Colby’s a survivor.
Albert Pujols – 0-for-4 as he started at third base. Tony La Russa said, “I feel bad about what I’ve been doing to people’s fantasy teams with my indecision regarding a closer, so I thought I’d throw the nerds a bone.”
John Lackey – Sent to the DL. The Red Sox said his elbow strain might have something to do with his 8.01 ERA. So, does that mean he’s been hurt for the last two years?
David Price – 5 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Was a tough matchup against Curtis Granderson, who hit his 14th homer. Who are you, Curtis Granderson? Why are you trying to steal Jose Bautista’s thunder? He is Joey Bats. Who are you, Courtesy Gratin? What’s that, free cheesy tater tots? That doesn’t even make any sense, and neither does your insane power. Now go to your room.
Johnny Damon – Hit his 7th homer. Has 6 more homers than Morneau. Of course he does, the world makes perfect sense!
Derrek Lee – Strained oblique. That’s sad for Lee and his family. No one else should care.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. I blame his lack of run support on his searching-for-Golem sounding name. Chabon would’ve gave him the win.
Andy Dirks – 1-for-2. Member when I said I was half-joking about Leyland batting Dirks 3rd? Yeah, he batted him 2nd instead. Theory! With the rise of cigarette prices, Leyland has been forced to use his extra lineup cards for tobacco rolling paper. So he only has one lineup card and he just puts players in the same lineup spot as the player they are replacing.
Jhonny Peralta – 1-for-4 with his 6th home run. The Silent H has 4 homers in his last 5 games. He too is hotter than a habanero’s ass. Still don’t know what that means but if I say it enough times it’ll catch on.
Aroldis Chapman – To the Disgraceful List. It’s always amazing to me how clubs can get away with DL’ing someone who isn’t injured but is simply sucking. And, perhaps, that’s neither funny or interesting.
Jonny Gomes – Hit a home run and that usually means five more will follow. Though, to be honest, I didn’t realize how poorly he’s been. He’s down to .188 on the year. Yo, Gomes, you need an oddly-placed H in your first name.
Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. You’re welcome.
Paul Maholm – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Nats. Sorta glass half full: Sure, it was an easy match-up, but he’s now pitched well in six of his last 8 starts. Sorta glass half empty: His strikeouts to walks isn’t pretty. Sorta who cares: It’s Paul Maholm.
Danny Espinosa – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer. All he does is hit home runs! Kinda true with his abysmal average (.196 on the year).
Colby Lewis – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Really pulled his shizz together in May. April ERA 5.70; May ERA 2.35. Also, worth noting is his batting average against lefties is .273; vs. righties it’s .224.
Vin Mazzaro – 2 1/3 IP, 14 ER. He comes from my birthplace, Hackensack, NJ. Yesterday, the Indians treated him like a hacky sack.
Matt LaPorta – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs as the Indians moved to 25-13 on the year. Somebody wake up the Comatose Indians Fan, your team is more than just a racist mascot!
Dexter Fowler – Caught stealing twice. Now has 5 caught stealings in 7 attempts. Good thing he didn’t choose a life of crime.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit in the leadoff spot, 2-for-5, batting .302 and stole his 13th base. Member in the preseason everyone was like don’t draft Ellsbury, Crawford’s gonna steal his mojo? Um, Crawford’s hitting .208 and batting between Lowrie and Varitek.
Mark Reynolds – Hit his 2nd homer in three games as Mini Donkey finally draws some brays.
Kyle Drabek – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (6 BBs), 2 Ks. Too many BBs, he’s gonna shoot his eye out doing that.
Adam Lind – Placed on the 15-day DL with back soreness. Just so we’re clear how ridiculous it is what the Mets said about Wright possibly being back in 10 days. Lind has back soreness and is going on the DL; Wright has a stress fracture in his lower back. Oh-kay.
Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save. He doesn’t seem remotely capable of handling the closing job, yet I think he probably does stay the closer all year, if that makes sense, and I think it does but I’ve had nine beers tonight and something a guy named Phil called a lavash.
Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks. First name, Hommy. Second name, Tanson.
Grady Sizemore – To the DL. I wonder if he has one of those punch cards so he gets a free sandwich with this DL trip.