I know a lot of writers want Beddict gone, but my kind of beef will f%#k up ya grill and not the kind you put franks on. Greetings all!!! Tis I, Tehol, Razzball’s head to head expert, points league expert, fantasy football champion, and the most prestigious male model/fantasy writer in the world. Some call me the Anthony Weiner of Razzball. Not because I want to be in politics, but because I send out a lot of dic pics. I come to you today even more full of testosterone than usual for I just devoured 2 dozen oysters and injected some moose growth hormone. Do you worship the ground Wil Myers walks on? If so you will like this post. If you are obsessed with Twilight, Kristen Stewart, or her character Bella, then you may have stumbled across the wrong article. Quick side-note. How many MF’ing people am I going to meet with dogs named Bella? Or kids for that matter!?!? Yeah, it seemed like a cool name before the books/films caught on like wild fire and now there’s 3.2 million people with Pit bulls named Bella. Don’t be ashamed people. JUST CHANGE IT!! Let’s move on.
Wil Myers reminds me of someone I’ve only read about in leather-bound books. That someone’s name was Hercules, and that someone was a Demigod (that chick is hot). For those of you who prefer the Twilight saga to Greek Mythology, a Demigod is half human, half God. I tried to get into those movies, but they are atrocious. The boyish charms of Kristen Stewart couldn’t get me aroused even if the little tramp was in my house buck naked and injecting 300 milligrams of Viagra straight to the main vein. I mean, why isn’t Edward banging Kate Upton, Melanie Iglesias, or ANYONE other than Kristen Stewart? If you’re gonna get a lifelong STD, I’d suggest getting it from someone hot. Cuz you know, then it’d be worth it….Right???
Back to Big Willie Myers for a second: This young hog has 2 or more hits in 6 consecutive games to go along with 5 jacks and 4 steals. My trade offers for this young stallion were quickly dismissed and soul-crushing insults were sent my way in return. Now he’s hotter than a tinfoil-suited gerbil, freshly removed from richard Gere’s butt and the haters is mad, yo.
Myers is no Trout but I’d say he’s on Bryce Harper’s level already with almost as much upside. What’s that? You doubt my words, underling? Ye who has read the Twilight novels is denied permission to insult me, but if thou is educated in the history of Zeus and Poseidon feel free to abuse me with no regard for my self-esteem. My sources In Canadia have alerted me to the fact that podcast host, Nick Capozzi has the VHS boxed set of the Twilight films and once waited 16 and 1/2 hours in below freezing temperatures to catch a glimpse of Peter Facinelli. Even I, Tehol Beddict, the model with the body of a Greek God, must admit Pete had it going on back in the classic Can’t Hardly Wait. Speaking of that movie, it’s pretty tough to beat Jennifer Love Hewitt’s rack. WOW!! That might be the hottest mix of music/hot chick I’ve ever seen. Hopefully it aroused you enough to have sex with your significant other for once. Seriously, take an hour or three and try to find a better set of twins. You may find 1. Shoot, you might even come across 2 or 3, but I can sit here with complete confidence in my manhood and tell you that you won’t find more than 5. Can we talk baseball now please?? My chicken is beginning to look appealing. I’m sure you all stopped reading about 5 minutes ago so I’m not sure why I’m even writing this. Blah blah blah blah blah. Below are my innermost thoughts on a select group of MLB players. Take heed!
Domonic Brown - When “Sir Domonic” went down with concussion-like symptoms, I dropped to my knees and prayed to the Elder Gods for his safe return to baseball activities. Being shredded to pieces after facing one of Japan’s fiercest Samurai warriors in a fight to the death is the only time other time I’ve felt this kind of pain. Yamamoto, bow to your sensei!. Oh that’s right, you can’t bow cuz you’re deceased due to my blade striking you down. Rest with Hood. Losing focus again here guys. Anyway, Domonic is like the African American brother I’ve always wanted. I’ve believed in him since day one and my patience had finally paid off. Until now. We all know what happened to Justin Morneau after his concussion. Well if you didn’t or don’t know, Morneau has been about as useless as Oprah’s husband, Stedman Graham. Parting is such sweet sorrow, but I can’t wait all year for this nubian prince to return to us with all his glory. The decline was already fully on, so now might be the proper time to panic, though I’m on my knees like John Travolta at a highway rest stop, praying for a clear-headed return to the field.
Justin Verlander - Mustn’t we conclude that Kate Upton either 1) gave Verlander the Herp or 2) is the most annoying human being on the planet? On everything that is holy, Upton could give me every STD known to mankind and run her mouth non-stop, and t’would not bother me a bit. I’d walk around with puss filled lesions covering my body for an entire year just to hit that once! For the love of Odin, what did this girl do to get dumped by JV?? The STD thing could very well be real, as Verlander is struggling like never before, getting pounded harder and more often than Miley Cyrus. I mentioned earlier in the season that I didn’t like the way he looked out there. I told you to sell. Giving up 7 to the White Sox, like he did Thursday afternoon is just not supposed to happen. Blame Upton. Blame the lost velocity. Either way, Verlander sucks right now. Bet he could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
Adam Eaton - Ummmm, well that wasn’t the scorching hot arrival I expected. Still, I would suggest holding as he is on the cusp of breaking out in a major way. Do not doubt me sirs.
Justin Smoak - You may have noticed my absence last week (highly doubtful). I’m sure some of you were devastated, but the fact is I couldn’t come up with anything to write about. Well that combined with the fact I was popping molly’s with half-naked models in South Africa during the all-star break. The one man I couldn’t get out of my head (No-Romo) was Smoak. He’s a true breakout candidate and with the M’s lighting it up right now his second half numbers could be substantial. Give him a try and you shan’t regret it.
Chris Davis - This is all bad ya’ll. Since the all-star break brother Crush is 6-28 with no homers and 13 k’s! Thursday night, Davis went 0-4 with 4 whiffs. I haven’t seen anything that ugly since Lamar Odom’s side piece! Good Laaawd!!! Like, why have a side piece who looks like a man? Especially when you have a wife that looks like a man. Someone please explain this to me cuz my mind is only going to one place and that’s too hot for razzball…..Either way I’d still hold Davis unless you can get a king’s ransom in return.
Todd Frazier - Well look who decided to finally show up! This lurch of a human being is sizzling at the plate right now and needs to be started daily. Must we still watch out for Jack Hannahan stealing Frazier’s at bats? It truly disgusts me to no end. ENOUGH!
Matt Wieters - It looks as if “Fraud” wants us to refer to him as “God” again. Sorry sir, not going to happen. Your peonic ways have laid the foundation for a hatred so deep in my soul, that only a 20-homer second half could convince me to draft you again or even stop referring to you as “Fraud.” You may want to see if you can snag him for cheap if they have 2 catchers. Cust Kayin (is that how Grey says it?)
Josh Hamilton - Not since my move from stripping to soft-core porn and modeling have I witnessed such a trying transition. Ham-bone is clearly blowing it in Anaheim. I mean come on. The guy is batting 223 with 14 homers…… 223!?!?!?!?! For Hambone the God???? I haven’t been this let down since Ray Liotta beat me out for the role opposite 50 cent in one of those straight to netflix productions. Hamilton is my favorite player in the game, or at least he was until this year. It’s not as if I’ve stopped liking him, it’s just that I’ve kind of forgotten about his existence. That’s how terrible he’s been. I doubt anyone is selling him for 10 cents on the dollar at this point but no harm in checking it out.
Rafael Betancourt - Emergency appendectomy huh? Nice timing chunk-style. Just in time for the Rockies to become completely irrelevant and turn the closer’s job over to Brothers, who is the future. And while doing so, making Rafe unappealing for some team like Detroit to trade for. I call this “Double Penetration.”
Giancarlo Stanton - Can someone tell me what’s up with this behemoth, for I haven’t heard his name mentioned in weeks. Not since Karsa Orlong have I witness such a perfection in a gargantuan body. Fear not, for Stanton will go on a tear. Witness!
Brandon Beachy - Like the new Mark Wahlberg/Denzel movie coming out, I don’t expect to see anything above average out of Brandon Beachy. The movie is rated R, so maybe they aren’t able to show any of the good parts on the previews, but if you’re fooling yourself into believing those previews are cool, you’re more delusional than Amanda Bynes. Same goes for Beach, as he’s been owned for almost a month now in one league I’m involved with and I just don’t get it. Sure, he will or should be OK but there are tons of guys on waivers you could add or use a spot for streaming. Smarten up.
Bryce Harper - It’s a walk-off! Harper hit his first walk-off homer on Thursday night and boy it was a beauty. I got some news for you, Walter Cronkite: Harper is good. Listen to your friend Billy Zane, and trade for him now.
Rajai Davis - I was going to tell you to drop, but Rajai Rajai Rajai has a couple steals lately so I suppose you could hold if desperate for speed. Not desperate for speed like Tom Sizemore is, but, you know, steals in fantasy baseball. Yeah, anyway, the Blue Jays roster is a bit perplexing but you’d think Davis would play almost every day. If they had intelligent people running things, he’d be starting everyday.
Albert Pujols – Uh-oh guys, my Prince Albert is tingling! You know what that means, right? It means that Pujols is on the verge of erupting, a la tantric orgasm style. Watch him provide facials to the opposition for the remainder of the year. Watch out if you’re at the game. Don’t want any in your eye. It stings.
Brett Lawrie - I guarantee Lawrie juiced that one good season he had. Guarantee it.
Kris Medlen - Medlen, in my not so humble opinion, is the most disappointing player in all of fantasy baseball this season. Wholeheartedly, I believed in this man, and he’s performed in a disgraceful manner. I am appalled and want him in the bullpen STAT!
Matt Kemp- Kemp wants Braun’s MVP trophy from 2 years ago? I suppose that’s the only way he could stay relevant as the man simply can’t stay on the field. Can I be honest with you for a second please? Matt Kemp is the best looking man in the major leagues without a doubt. Ok, now that that’s been said I can reveal my plans for baseball’s best looking men rankings coming soon to razzball. Please send your input on who you believe belongs. Be secure in your sexuality. Remember when Kemp was beating Rihanna’s cakes? Those were good times.
Ryan Braun- What is all the outrage for? Did anyone actually believe his sample was tampered with? He got off on a technicality. Do you believe that Richard Sherman wasn’t popping Adderall like Tic Tacs last season? Cuz he got off on a technicality as well. Did you trust O.J. in that simple mind of yours? Did you believe Scott Peterson didn’t dump his pregnant wife in the ocean even after dying his hair and growing a goatee? If you believe any of these people you need to be whipped for your insolence. You let us down Braun. You let us all down.
That concludes another week my friends. Please follow me on twitter at @TeholBeddict47 for my entertaining stance on all sports and entertainment. As per usual your questions and comments will be responded to with the kind of quickness you men would bust with upon entering Kate Upton. 30 seconds tops. I’ve missed you. Did you miss me?