Gattis, Gattis, who the eff is Gattis? He wandered the streets asking that exact same question to everyone he came upon. Spiritual advisors, ski instructors, girls who smelled of patchouli and had dreadlocks. WHO THE F IS GATTIS? Because I’m a glutton for punishment and endless catcher questions, here we are again with me recommending a catcher. Evan Gattis, the man who once lived in the adult section of a video store. The man who once dug through Mario Batali’s trash cans for a pair of used Crocs. The man who didn’t remember how he got where he was, but when he was there it sure made him happy. Gattis is like the homeless man on Robertson Blvd., who was drafted by the Royals, but this story has a happy ending. (True story, there’s a homeless man who lives about five blocks from me who was drafted by the Royals. No, it’s not Angel Berroa. Google it if you like, but if you Google it it means you don’t believe me, which makes me very sad. We were over-the-internet friends!). Evan Gattis doesn’t need no stinkin’ formalized society, he’s got his bat, a catcher’s mitt and some serious power. He has three homers already, and I think he could challenge 20 homers this year, and the Braves are going to find it hard to not play him. I don’t own him because I’m Ron Popeil’ing the shizz out of Salvador Perez, for better or worse, but you should grab Gattis now if you’re struggling at catcher. Gattis! Who the eff is Gattis?! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Tony Cingrani – The Reds considered bringing Cingrani up in place of the recently-DL’d Sean Marshall, but, and get this, Dusty said he didn’t want to impede Cingrani’s progress as a starter. Is Dusty pulling a George and doing the opposite? Have the Reds replaced Dusty with his long-lost identical twin, Rusty? Rusty Baker chews a toothpick, hires his 3-year-old to be a bat boy and doesn’t understand OBP. The only difference between Rusty and Dusty is his abuse of pitchers and which side of his mouth he chews his toothpick. Dusty, Rusty, Dusty, Rusty… Which one is this? Rusty? No, Dusty! Let’s look at what Scott, our prospect writer, had to say about Cingrani, “Cingrani was thoroughly impressive in 25 starts between High- and Double-A: 1.73 ERA, 1.03 WHIP, 10.6 K/9. The 23-year-old lefty rode that success to a late-season call-up, during which he whiffed 9 big league hitters in just 5 IP out of the ‘pen. For now, he’s primarily a fastball-changeup kind of guy, but his curveball is coming around. A deeper arsenal would be better for his long-term projection, but in any case, Cingrani’s stuff as-is should suffice to rack up plenty of K’s, which reminds me of the time I built a rack in my dungeon and tried to lure Grey in there with a high-K prospect.” Whoa, didn’t remember that last part. Scott also placed Cingrani on his latest prospect power rankings. Cingrani has something like a 13+ K-rate in his minor league career, so, yeah, I’m drooling. I could see him being as good as Shelby or Harvey (first you take over the media, now rookie prospects? Geez, Jews!). For right now, Cingrani is nothing but a bench stash in NL-Only and deep keeper leagues. He needs a starter injury to get into the rotation, which could happen in the next two weeks or not until September.
Shelby Miller – I was a bit thrown when I saw ESPN had him listed as being owned in only 45% of leagues. Then I remembered ESPN bought 23,000 alpacas, signed them up for Gmail accounts and gave them fantasy teams just to inflate their numbers.
Carlos Villanueva – Chuck Newtown is more of an NL-Only play depending on match-ups. Stream-o-Nator, “Match-ups are my job. Seriously, in the shins.” Though, Newtown could be bumped from the rotation once the walking wounded in the Cubs rotation return.
Jean Segura – Hitting .458 with a home run and he has 30 steal-speed. What are you afraid of? Is it because Jean Segura shares a first name with your nana’s bingo partner who once yelled at you for eating too many hard candies?
Marwin Gonzalez – When the season started, he shared time with Ronny Cedeno, then the Astros convened and thought, “Hey, we’re terrible enough without having the worst hitter in the history of history, Ronny Cedeno,” so the Astros are going with Marwin. Yes, his name is awesome. Marwin, you stupid poop! It sounds like Elmer Fudd trying to say Marvin. He doesn’t really have any speed or power, but he is currently hot. You say schmo, I say tato, put it together in the microwave.
Brandon Crawford – So this isn’t our finest week of middle infield pick-ups.
Jemile Weeks – Since I write these posts while wearing a coal miner’s helmet, let me dig a little deeper for a moment. The A’s haven’t said Sizemore’s injury means anything for Weeks. Also, he hasn’t done anything with opportunities he has received. Yet, and this yet is the size of one of those rap video girl’s butts, Weeks has speed and the guys in front of him now are bad at best and really, really, really, really bad at worst. Damn, I shouldn’t have bought that thesaurus just to look smart in front of that cute bookstore girl back in 1998.
Lucas Duda – If you’re looking for an outfielder with no speed and 20-ish home run power, throw it to Lucas!
Starling Marte – I’ve had some problems with Pirate prospects in the past. Pedro Alvarez took an extra year to breakout than when I projected him; I liked that Jose Tabata was married to a cougar, but she turned out to be Squeaky Fromme and kidnapped all his fantasy value. Still, I went back to the well one more time this year with Marte. He looks like a young Victorino (Victorito? The Potty-Trainin’ Hawaiian?) and I’d definitely grab him if he’s available in your league.
Domonic Brown – Turn a Mustachioed Man’s frown upside down and buy a Brown.
Daniel Nava – Unlike Marte or Brown, Nava’s value won’t last for longer than a week. So if you’re going out of town for the next three months, bon voyage and don’t grab Nava.
Franklin Gutierrez – A parrot flew into my window last night and said, “Wow, great season of Survivor. And how about that Big FraGu?” The parrot and I are now best friends.
Juan Francisco – I could’ve put Chris Johnson here too. Okay, I sorta just did. I will call them Juan-John, which is different than being on a puddle jumper and waiting the entire flight because there’s one John. Are you my brother Juan or Disco John? Brother Juan has power to spare and average that could be a 2-10 split. Disco John has the average, but only the power of a slightly muscular Omar Infante.
Matt Adams – Okay, I’m not gonna make any fat jokes today for Adams because the new ones are stale and he’s ate up all the others. Adams doesn’t have everyday playing time, but if you’re in a deep, daily league, I’d grab him…While using two hands…While operating one of those junkyard claws.
Joaquin Benoit – I just went over him this morning. Scroll down on your mouse. That’s not your mouse and that’s not scrolling. Gross!
Jose Veras – SAGNOF!
Trevor Rosenthal – Mitchell Boggs, ESQ. is the closer for right now, but Trevor Rosenthal, CPA, has the outside track. They could even form a committee. Jewish grandmothers swoon! “An attorney with his CPA? How about I make you kugel and get you the link for my granddaughter’s J-Date profile?” BTW, Jewish Grandmothers Swoon! could also be the name of an improv group that makes you want to stab your eyes out.
Carlos Gomez – These early Sell’s are basically me just reiterating what I said in the rankings. If you read the rankings, then take a snooze and I’ll wake you next week when the Sell is Chase Headley, who will then be about a week away from returning. If you ignored my advice and drafted Carlos Gomez, here’s what I said that you ignored, “You, ‘Yo, Grey, I agree with your fly dance moves, and I’ve never found another straight man as attractive as you before, but I just don’t understand why I’d regret drafting Carlos Gomez. I mean, I’ll take a 15+ homer, 35+ steal guy every day of the week and twice on Muesday.’ Cut to May and Gomez is hitting .190 and you wonder if it’s too late to start playing fantasy basketball or too early to start your fantasy football prep.” And that’s me quoting me! Well, football is still a layup, but basketball might be a punt (see, I know other sports!). Gomez is dreck at real baseball (except for this little thing called glove). He’s not a good hitter. His pre-All-Star break numbers last year were 26/5/18/.233/11. Those numbers called and said, “You should drop me, and don’t forget to bring home milk.” I’d just bench him in most leagues, but if you can find a believer in Gomez out there, I’d definitively trade him. I wouldn’t trade him for a Taco Hell pintos ‘n cheese but I’d listen to offers…Actually, I would take a pintos ‘n cheese. Just make sure you grind three Tums into the bean mush. Delicious!