In one article about Mike Stanton in The Miami Herald, a longtime season ticket holder, Fran, was asked if any player every matched Stanton’s sheer mollywhopping, pony sticking ability. The gist is no. Fran, at 85, had seen them all too. About Randy Johnson, Fran was quoted as saying, “Wild as any turkey ever got to be. He had that hair, and when he pitched and got sweaty, he had the nastiest head of hair you ever seen.” Now if I worked as a reporter for The Miami Herald, I’d make sure I had at least one quote from Fran in every article. If I could somehow find someone to match her quotey-ness, I’d say the quote was “frantastic.” If another reporter asked me to read their piece and they lacked a Fran quote, I’d say it’s not franny enough. Can we get a interview with Fran? Or should I just call up any retirement home in Miami-Dade County and interview anyone I get on the phone about the Marlins prospects? Mrs. Abramowitz, “Can Maybin turn it around?” “I’ve seen potato pancakes bigger than him. Put some apple sauce on his head and he’ll fall over.” /Fran aside.
So, I have big love for Stanton (<–cable TV pun!), and I think he should be picked up in all leagues immediately. Between Cody Ross, Coghlan and Maybin, the Marlins have no reason to keep Stanton down any longer. He should be up in the next few weeks. When he arrives, he’ll be good for power and maybe not much else. He could be a drag on average. Here’s what I said back in November, “In Single-A, he hit 39 homers while slashing .293/.381/.611. There’s light tower power in his man-frame of 6’5″, 210 lbs. (for those in San Diego, that’s 3 and a half David Ecksteins, but only three-quarters of a Kyle Blanks. Or Blanks sans afro.). Last year, Stanton continued his assault on minor league pitching in High-A, then hit his first roadblock at Double-A. Unable to make the necessary adjustments, he saw the one part of his game that was exploitable exploited. He’s a hacker. Even when he hit the 39 homers in 125 games in A, he struck out 153 times. Last year, he K’d 99 times in 79 Double-A games, which led to .231/.311/.455.” And that’s me quoting me! Since then, i.e., this year, he’s hit the ball wilder than any turkey Fran’s ever saw. When he gets called up in June, think a line of 15-20 homers and a .255 average. The hype alone makes him rosterable. If you have him, I believe his hype will make it worth trading him in non-keeper leagues. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Derek Holland – I think he’ll be a matchups guy for certain stretches of the season. Read: When he’s at home. Potatoes to chips, I’d still own him because he’s D-Nice with the Ks.
Johnny Cueto – Sure, his name sounds like a bully from an 80’s movie and he treated you as such his first month, but he has a 33:12 K:BB and a 1.21 WHIP with three straight solid starts. Cueto won’t hurt you… As long as you’re not a dork!
Randy Wells – I know it’s weird for you to go after a pitcher who hasn’t pitched that well so far. This is a trust exercise. Just fall back, Wells will catch you.
Troy Glaus – Hitting .400 over the last week with 2 homers. He got so hot it was a Glaussian blur! What? Terrible? Yeah, probably.
Luke Scott – ROTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH!
Travis Snider – Member why you drafted him in March? Yeah, none of that has changed, he just started slow. Still plenty of time for him to breakout. Or not. But it’s worth the chance on upside.
Michael Saunders – Maybe because his last name sounds like he likes to walk leisurely, but I’m finding it hard to build enthusiasm about Saunders. Is he rosterable in deep leagues? Yeppers. Is he better than a poor man’s FraGu? Not on your Mom Mom’s life.
Alfredo Simon – You know the douche that updates his Facebook page whenever he has something to brag about? Yeah, well, I’m going to post about how I picked Alfredo Simon up in a fantasy league. Take that, douche who just got a new job!
Jose Contreras – Yes, it’s saves. I’m just worried that after you’re done with him you’re going to have a screwvenir of an unsightly ERA and WHIP.
Manny Corpas – No better than Contreras, only 47 years younger.
John Buck – One catcher I’m mentioning this week. McCann + V-Mart + Mauer is less than Buck’s power so far. Ain’t that a kick in the pants?
Gordon Beckham – Every time I watch him at the plate, I feel like some depressing David Gray song should be playing in the background. It’s like every lemming in the world has Beckham on their team. Even if he rights the ship, what are you going to get? 14/10? I just popped a zit and it gave me more satisfaction. Lose him, it’s time to move on.
Kyle Blanks – It’s time to start making some tough choices. Blanks seems like a good guy. It’s well documented that he can carry around 17 cookie elves in the palm of his hand. But his strikeouts right now? A taco diarrhea mess. You get power off waivers elsewhere. That’s a command, Lieutenant.
Jason Kubel – We’re cleaning house today, huh? In the rankings, I said, “Kubel had value when he was a last round draft pick. There’s no value when you have to draft him like he’s actually going to stay on your team. Trust me, he won’t.” And that’s me anticipating you dropping Kubel!
Starlin Castro – Whatchu talkin’ about, Grey?! You just told us to pick him up! Yeah, and now I’m telling you like Yoda would that the hype is too strong in him. Now don’t trade him for a set of gold fronts, but I’d definitely see what I could get. Say Asdrubal and a donkeycorn? You’re coming out on top of that. And tell’m Grey sent ya! Though that might just confuse them.