Today is the first day of the next month in our lives without Giancarlo Stanton. If you want, I’m holding a candlelight vigil in the garbage can behind Stanton’s house. If you come, don’t make too much noise. We aren’t technically supposed to be there. The good news about his hamstring injury is when he’s limping away from us, it’ll be a lot easier to stay exactly 501 feet away. Before he’d backpedal and it was like we were doing the lambada with 501 feet between us. The bad news is I’m writing this post with tears. Hnfcsdcnnn. That was a big, stupid tear that got away from me. Short circuit my keyboard, tears. I plead with you, so I don’t have to continue. I wonder if I can seal envelopes with these tears. That would be turning lemons into lemonade, right? Ow, I just touched my eyes, and now these lemons are burning my eyes. This is the sourest injury news ever. Make the pain go away, alcohol! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks. Not bad, but St. Strasburg hasn’t looked like he can walk on water this year. Perhaps on honey due to a higher viscosity. Could it have been a resident of Strasburg, Virginia killed a wasp and the butterfly effect messed up his Inverted W? (Which is just an effin’ M, by the way.) Too New Agey of a reason? Maybe his performance to date is due to the forearm stiffness he’s been dealing with that the Nationals just revealed. I bet Strasburg owners would prefer the New Agey reason. He says he won’t miss a start. Hopefully, he’s right. Obviously, you just have to sit tight and hope for good news. That’s sit tight, not sit in tight pants. Go change and come back.
Jayson Werth – Left the game after fouling a ball off his foot. I hope he wasn’t barefoot, but whenever I look at his mountain man picture, I wonder.
Chad Tracy – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. I honestly thought he was out of baseball. Member they used to have Player-Managers? Chad Tracy should be the first Player-Announcer. “Coming up in the top of the 8th will be the pitcher’s spot, so I might not be here…” “Welcome back from commercial, the Nats are going to pinch-hit with Bernadina, so here we are.”
Pablo Sandoval – Left yesterday’s game with right elbow discomfort. Oh, no, his eating arm. Obviously, this isn’t good news since this was the same issue he was dealing with about a month ago that almost sent him to the DL. This time I don’t think he avoids it, but, as of right now, he’s hoping to. Someone put the owners of Strasburg, Giancarlo and Sandoval on 24-hour watch.
Matt Cain – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. That’s a pretty solid start…If you’re a Hodgepadre in Coors! Get your shizz together, Cain! Don’t make me bring out the interrobang.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I really think he has it in him to be great, but, man, he makes it hard to recommend him after he’s disappointed so many times.
Kevin Youkilis – According to the New York Post, Youuuuuuuuk hasn’t played in six of the past seven games. I could’ve sworn he hadn’t played in two of the past three years. Sounds like he’ll be going on the DL, which will make him much more valuable in fantasy since he won’t be clogging up your lineup anymore.
Andy Pettitte – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Astros. Andy took a vow to go easy on Bible Belt teams.
Brett Gardner – 2-for-4, 1 run. Still only has one steal on the year. I swear he’s gonna run at some point. He has to. Doesn’t he? I mean, it’s not AGNOF!
Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Gallardo saw his shadow and May came two days earlier this year.
Jean Segura – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. That makes him Jean Segundo.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd homer, now hitting .349. You’re welcome for me lighting a fire under his assmez.
Yuniesky Betancourt – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer as he hits .286. Eh, he’s terrible, but I just picked him up in one league and I’m trying to convince myself he’s decent. Betancourt is decent! Yeah, that’s barely working.
Norichika Aoki – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Was slumping for the last week, but now looks like he is Aokidoki.
Garrett Jones – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd day in a row with a homer. Member when I told you to pick him up? You don’t? *grits teeth* It was yesterday.
Peter Bourjos – 0-for-4, 1 run and left yesterday’s game with a strained hamstring. Raise your hand if you didn’t get hurt last night. No one? Okay.
Aaron Laffey – Was designated for assignment and elected for free agency. That’s a Laffey matter.
Marc Rzepcynski – Optioned to Triple-A Memphis. In related news, the equipment manager at Triple-A Memphis quit.
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Beltran sat out yesterday, afraid he’d hurt his knee, buckling in the outfield from watching Wainwright’s curve.
Mat Latos – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Some people actually asked yesterday if they should start Latos in this game. Latos has a sub-3 ERA in the last 200+ innings. He’s been better than every pitcher in the majors for ERA in that time, except for how many pitchers? Not rhetorical! Seriously, how many? Maybe 4 guys? 5?
Jason Heyward – Recovering from his appendectomy is obviously taking longer than anticipated and Heyward says he won’t return until end of May. Geez, the Brady Bunch’s Cousin Oliver appendix was done away with in quicker time.
Julio Teheran – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks. With Beachy about a month away, Teheran could be deserted by the Braves, depending on military budget cuts and room in the rotation. Speaking of Teheran, you think the Flock of Seagulls’ “I Ran” is Iran’s national anthem? I’m gonna guess, yes, it is.
Martin Prado – 2-for-5 and a solo homer, his 4th. Not to get all scientific, but his BABIP is almost a hundred points off his career rate. I.e., there’s no way he hits .216 all year, as he currently is.
Jason Kubel – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, a day after returning from the DL. He should be owned in every league. Just not by me because I’m not a huge fan.
Dan Straily – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. On the bright side, he helped me avoid about two dozen, “Grey, should I pick up Straily?”
Brandon Moss – Double slam & legs. This Moss gathers no moss.
Trevor Bauer – Will get a spot start on Wednesday vs. the Phils. Rather than make the trip for one start, he will be long-tossing from Akron.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. From someone who watched this game, the Royals swung at more balls than your high school coach doing a cup check.
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. It’s still bad when you raise your average with a 1-for-4, but I have to imagine Kipnis will be better than he’s been, and this is coming from someone who didn’t even like him in the preseason.
Ryan Raburn – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and two homers. It was a big day for guys who sound like silent film actors with Ryan Raburn and Jean Segura both going deep. Too bad Glen Perkins didn’t pick up a bat.
Kevin Gregg – Got the save yesterday, his 4th. I’ve now owned him and Marmol on three different occasions and haven’t recorded one save from either, but instead I’ve gotten every single run Kelvin Herrera has allowed. I’m not bitter. NOT AT ALL!
Cody Ransom – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. This homer came against the Padres, the team that just released him. Revenge is a dish best served Cody. Ransom could be a hot bat now that he’s freed of the Petco shackles. You’ll need to platoon him though because he shares time with Malbuena, who also answers to ‘not good.’
Max Scherzer – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. About four years ago, we nicknamed Scherzer Jobacum because he looked like his stuff was as nasty as both of them. Yeah, that shizz is more dated than you saying your FUBU hoodie is phat. Joba Chamberlain and Tim Lincecum wish they were an eighth as good as Scherzer. They are Sux Schizzers. They are nothing compared to Michael Chabon’s fabled character, Max Scherzer: The Golem.
Joaquin Benoit – Got the save yesterday because Valverde had worked a few days in a row. I’m glad Leyland has figured out an exact order of his bullpen. It only took him two months, if you consider Spring Training.
Andy Dirks – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 1st homer. He hit 2nd because Hunter had the night off. I wish Mike Mostsuckass could hit second for the Tigers. Actually, I wish I could. I’d be a Hall of Famer in that lineup slot.
Lucas Harrell – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, 3.60 ERA on the year. He’s the kind of guy that has sneaky value for AL-Only leagues, but if you start him outside of Petco or Crayola Canyon you got a screw loose.
Carlos Corporan – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. He’s just happy to have a job and won’t question why he’s the back-up. What a Corporan man.
Brandon Barnes – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd steal. He’s a platoon guy, but his mom Priscilla is hot.
Michael Saunders – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer as he returned from the DL. I’d definitely look at him if someone dropped him while he was on the DL. I wouldn’t expect too much, maybe 17/17 over the season. He’s better than big bro, Joe. Speaking of which…
Joe Saunders – 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. I congratulate your nuts if you had them to start him.
Matt Harvey – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. The Ks are real and they’re spectacular, but it’s not even May yet and he’s already starting to look human. Not to mention, throwing him for 121 pitches yesterday (yes, in only five-plus innings), Terry Collins must be taking classes at the Dusty Baker School of Pitch Management. Prof. Dusty, “For years, too many major league executives made imprudent and dangerous decisions, seeking bullpen arms with too little regard for risk and too little accountability. The very crisis our starters face now is not being able to pitch into the 6th inning. Our starters are being imported from other countries and everyone wants to talk pitch count. I call that the b*tch count.”
David Wright – Sat yesterday with a sore neck. Maybe he got whiplash from the “Now you see Valdespin, now you don’t” magic act Terry Collins is doing with the lineup.
Mike Pelfrey – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K. He just couldn’t keep the bats off the Pelfrey.
John Buck – Hit his 9th homer. WTB?!
Josh Willingham – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. The Other White Meat hasn’t truly started firing up the lardons yet, but I imagine he’ll be fine for 27-ish homers when everything is said and done.
Jose Fernandez – 4 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. As I said after his last start, Jo-Fer will be a good one at some point, but he’s still too young and the Marlins can afford to send starters out for four innings just to see how they look. You can’t in fantasy. And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Marcell Ozuna – Will probably take Giancarlo’s spot for the next few weeks hopefully, longer possibly. How dare you, Ozuna? How dare you? Ozuna has big time power, but will also whiff a ton. His minor league stats like a bit donkeyish. Here’s what Scott, our prospect writer, said, “Ozuna is regarded as one of the streakier hitters in Minor League Baseball, and I doubt that changes much as he moves through the upper levels. With an aggressive approach, plus raw power, and the ability to crush lefties, he has a skillset that’s conducive to streakiness. But that’s not necessarily a killer in the fantasy game — that might be something you’d want to avoid in H2H formats, but Ozuna is a guy who could hit 25+ homers in the bigs. The power will come with a .250ish average, but it’s certainly not worthless. Unlike Grey.” Hey, not cool! If I may, I’d say Scott meant that .250ish average after Ozuna develops a bit more. He’s now being rushed and I think he might not hit .220. There is some power, but he’s not a pick-up outside of NL-Only leagues yet.
Hanley Ramirez – Pinch-hit last night, but will start tomorrow as he returns from the DL. What did you say? I’m gonna make him this Friday’s Sell? Nah, too obvious. Really, really obvious. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo*
Troy Tulowitzki – Will only miss a game or two (this week). He should be back (and re-injure something else) soon.
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Strong bean!
Wilin Rosario – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer and 19 RBIs. He has more RBIs than everyone but one player (Adam Jones) on my RCL team. *knocks over motorcycles at biker’s bar, waits to get pummeled*
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his first homer. Yippie-ki-Arenado! Oh, man, I need him to pick up some serious slack, so I hope he’s better than even how good he’s being billed. I found the perfect song to listen to while watching an Arenado at-bat, Strawberry Bubblegum by Justin Timberlake. It is so gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, except according to Chris Broussard. Obviously, big news in the world of basketball yesterday. Good for Jason Collins, but what I want to talk about is ESPN. They didn’t have the story (SI did), so ESPN sent the most controversial opinion in front of the cameras. From pre-interviews, they know what Broussard would say. From just having him around ESPN’s compound, I’m sure they know his views. They might’ve wanted Broussard out (so to speak) and let him write his own eviction. Or maybe they’ll keep him and just accept the ‘any press is good press’ angle. Either way, it was a calculated, pathetic move by ESPN to make the story about them. Pundit Grey out.