Did anyone pitch well yesterday? Clayton Richard (3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks) went in Petco. Hodgepadre, why do you let me down the last week of the season? Do I not feed you after midnight like you ask? Every time Martin Perez (2/3 IP, 5 ER) nodded for a sign from Napoli, Perez dispensed runs. Carlos Villanueva, aka Chuck Newtown, got run out of town. Kyle Kendrick (2 IP, 4 ER) confused me. I always thought people turned back into a pumpkin at midnight Eastern Standard Time. Justin Masterson (4 2/3 IP, 4 ER), well, he’s been kinda miserable all year. You can tell from the bolded name, I wanna talk briefly about Martin Perez for 2013 fantasy baseball. He looks rough around the edges, but he’s still twenty-one years old and has the upside of a number two starter. He has a ton of experience for someone his age since he was signed at the age of 17. At 17, the only thing I signed was a teacher’s note home, and I didn’t even sign my name. Perez has shown a propensity to look overmatched every time he’s called up to a new level. As they say in the coastal states, the catch is he needs to be thrown into the deep water to let him sink before he can swim, to mix metaphors and logic. The Rangers are smart to let him struggle this year, but they probably need him to struggle a little more in Triple-A before he can struggle in the majors and then turn into a number two starter. In dynasty leagues, I’d hold him, but we’re still probably a half season and change away from him being someone to really take notice of. Unless you owned him yesterday. Then you gave him notice. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chris Dickerson – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer. Not even starting every day, so there’s nothing here. But I was thinking about an all-Disappointment team for fantasy. Not this year, but for the last five years. Dickerson probably would be a fourth or fifth outfielder on that team. Nolan Reimold’s on there. Mat Gamel needs a spot. I know the starting 2nd baseman — Eric Young Jr.!
CC Sabathia – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. Minnesota. Pretty unfair to send CC out there against the Twinkies.
Curtis Granderson– 1-for-5, 2 RBIs. Fun fact alert! Prior to this year, there had been 304 seasons where a hitter had 40+ HR and only once has a batter had less than a .500 SLG. That batter: Adam Dunn in 2006. This year there’s two players on pace to do it: Adam Dunn and Curtis Granderson. This year, Grandy at .484, and Dunn at .484. Honorable mention to Canesco who once hit 46 HRs with a SLG of .518 (1998).
Samuel Deduno – Left in the 2nd inning with eye irritation. Lay off the energy drinks!
Matt Kemp – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer. He makes me feel like the only girl (in the world). I’m pretty sure I grasp the use of parentheses as a way to modify, so what’s Only Girl (In the World) without the parentheses? Only Girl? ”I wanna hear Only Girl!” No, that makes no sense. It should stand alone without the parentheses. You can Bang a Gong or you can Bang a Gong (Get It On). You’re forwarding your gong banging. You are upping your excitement on the gong. No wonder Kemp dumped Rihanna. She’s bad (with parentheses).
Nick Punto – 3-for-5, 4 runs. Big day for Tony La Russa’s fantasy team.
Nate McLouth – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Who had the over for ten times in one month that I’d mention McLouth? You won. Double down on me not mentioning him ten times all next year.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers, his 27th and 28th. Bill James and Ann B. both went boing.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers. Member the ulcer Hosmer gave me this year? I bet I’m gonna draft Machado on a lot of teams next year and he’s gonna make my Hosmer ulcer bleed. As Guy Fieri would say, it’s a hunch.
Andy Dirks – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and hitting over .450 in the last week. You don’t have much time left for hot schmotato-ness, so get in fast. Shizz is dire!
Paul Maholm – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the at-peace-with-not-being-at-peace-with-their-manager, Marlins.
Norichika Aoki – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Know how Geraldo Rivera or Ghostface Killah’s names just roll off the tongue. That’s how Norichika Aoki is, but for typing. I swear; try it. (I’m messing with you. Stop typing, over-the-internet friend.)
Bud Norris – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks. You just never know what you’re going to get from Norris. He’s like a bi-polar Scherzer that’s extra bi-polary.
Jose Altuve – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer. Antonio Alfonseca, “Hey, that’s a handful of homers.”
Ubaldo Jimenez – Shut down for the year with an ankle sprain. Or so I read. I usually combover Ubaldo news.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Left yesterday’s game with a mid-back strain. Like the Boss, Rick Ross! Oh, that’s Maybach.
Stephen Drew – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and 13 for his last 28. Potatoes to chips, I tried to pick him up in one league but he was already owned. Last week of fantasy baseball = no allegiances or past gripes matter.
Brandon Moss – 3-for-5, 3 runs. Has hits in 8 of his last 10 games and hitting near .350 in the last week. Even more remarkable, him and Carter have been playing every day. Then again, Crisp is Bernie leaning with pink eye.
Randy Wolf – Has a torn UCL in his throwing elbow. The writing on the wall says, “For a good time call Dr. James Andrews. I will turn your joint inside out.”
Yu Darvish – May or may not start on Sunday. Yu don’t say. Literally.
Jeff Keppinger – 2-for-4, 2 runs and hitting near .550 in the last week. It’s Blanco Polanco and he’s giving you his all, won’t you give him a chance?
Alex Cobb – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. I think he should go by Al Cobb or Alexander Cobb. There’s only one Alex and he’s P. Keaton. Oh, and Cobb’s got me excited for next year. I might just own the whole Rays staff. Hey, now! What?
Jon Lester – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Because people care so much about Rudy and my teams. Martin Perez not getting out of the 1st inning and Lester not beating Cobb might’ve cost us $6,000. We should have 2nd place in our grasps, but our chances at first are starting to look slim to anorexic.
Giancarlo Stanton – Remained out of the lineup yesterday. I’m writing this post with the salt from my fallen tears.
Justin Ruggiano – Out for the season with a shoulder sprain. Doesn’t Otto Shouldersling have something for that? (We’ll keep it between us that you caught a Beaches allusion as long as you keep it between us that I made one.)
Chris Nelson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and 5 for his last 9. Damn, gearing up already for Friday’s last Buy/Sell of the year.
Gil Velazquez – 2-for-4. Who? Ah, September baseball, you make it possible for a Dennis Quaid character to get in a game.
Jeremy Hefner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, which comes after a 0 IP, 7 ER performance. One day Hefner is in the doghouse, next day he’s in the grotto.
Ruben Tejada – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and a steal. Four hits and only one run! Now has 51 runs on the whole year. On the same team, Andres Torres has fifty less ABs, batting out of the 8 hole yesterday, and nearly as many runs. Please someone figure out if Ruben has the least amount of runs for a leadoff man in the history of baseball.
Justin Smoak – 1-for-4 and hit his third homer in the last two games. The Smoak monster is loose! (And is playing chess with Locke. Wait, what happened with Walt? Was he special?)
Bryce Harper – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (20) and legs (17). Get a load of this, guys and four girls. The Nationals had three guys get a slam & legs yesterday (also Desmond (25, 21) and Suzuki (5, 1)). That’s the all-day breakfast special!
Jose Valverde – The closer with five BS this season hired Scott Boras to shop his skills this offseason. Valverde figures if anyone can turn BS into money, it’s Boras.