Let me see if I got this right about Brett Wallace (I’m admittedly drunk from an all-day 4th of July BBQ). He’s a post-hype-little-less-hype-some-hype-no-hype-hype-what?-hype sleeper. Did that add up? Sometimes I forget to carry the last hype and I was doing it in my head. Wallace arrives with so little hoopla he’s poopla. Hang up the decorations, prepare for your friends to come over for a potluck, then everyone shows up late with gluten-free snacks. That’s when you say, “What’s with all of the poopla?” If I wanted my glutens free, I would’ve freed them myself! Brett Wallace hit really well down in Triple-A (this last time; and every time really). 11 homers, .326 average and won Triple-A Player of the Month honors, which is like being the world’s tallest midget. There’s still not a whole lot of proof that Wallace can hit in the majors, but yesterday’s 3-for-5 with two homers was a nice step in the right direction. I could see grabbing him in deeper leagues for the chance that he finally figures out a way to transform his minor league success to the majors. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Veras – Hit by a comebacker like he was at a roast sitting next to Don Rickles, but Bo Porter said it was a bruise and he’ll be fine. Only Bo Porter said it with some smooth jazz.
Alex Gordon – After colliding with a wall on Wednesday, he’s still hoping to avoid the DL. Aren’t we all? The Royals are testing him for a possible concussion and he has a hip contusion. Maybe he has a concussion and that confusion makes him think he has a contusion. The Concusstador is contussed! Luckily, he doesn’t have a lisp or all of this would get really confusing.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Since I was hatin’ on him as of three weeks ago, it would be slightly disingenuous to point out I wrote a sleeper post in December for him. If I’m using the word disingenuous correctly. What a handful that word is! (Not a mouthful because I’m typing.) I’m still sincerely excited to see Hosmer finally start to put it together even if he peed on my heart last year like he was a Calvin car sticker.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Has done nothing of note for about two months now, but as long as the baseball diamond has white lines I’ll be touting Cain…Sugar!
Michael Brantley – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. I swear on your deity of choice that every time I drop Brantley he does something that makes me want to pick him back up. We all have one of these players. The guy you pick up and drop two dozen times. We should have a glossary term for this. Suggest in the comments. Thanks.
Joey Terdoslavich – Called up as a bench bat for the Braves. Here’s kinda what Prospect Scott said (I updated it), “Terdoslavich posted an .867 OPS in a full season at High-A in 2011. In 2012, more of the same. Then this year, he’s exploded with 18 homers in 85 games and a .318 average. The Braves are likely to take their time with him as he hasn’t yet settled in defensively. He projects to hit 20+ homers with a solid AVG in the majors. If he stinks, though, his name will surely inspire much turd-wordplay. Or turdplay. Disgusting. Don’t play with turds, people!”
Dan Straily – 7 IP, 4 baserunners (1 Hit), 6 Ks vs. the Cubs. Terrific start, but he’s only guaranteed one more start and it’s on the road in Pittsburgh. I streamed Straily once this year and he gave my a Freezer Pop of doodie, so I have cold feet, which may be influencing my decision, but I wouldn’t touch him in Armpittsburgh.
Travis Wood – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, 2.69 ERA. On April 26th, I told you to buy him. *long drag on a cigarette* Yup. *realizing I dropped him from my team six weeks ago, coughing out smoke* Dah!
Eric Stults – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. What an ugly performance by Stults, but what a tour de force performance by Cher.
Stephen Drew – Hoping to return on Saturday. I’m sure that will be followed closely by another injury. He hits every branch down on the Drew Injury Family Tree.
Allen Webster – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. His ERA is now down to 7.88 and this was against the Padres, so I’d take it with a grain of salt. Or a few grains of salt, otherwise you’re not gonna be able to taste it.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 2nd homer. Would it be ungrateful to point out how few homers he has when he has so many steals and there’s people starving for steals in some parts of the world?
Jose Iglesias – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. The Church of Jose is now hitting .411. He could be barely hit over .200 in the minors. What’s going on here? Is he hitting weak grounders to an infielder then a groundhog is popping his head up and grabbing the ball?
Jonny Gomes – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, which comes a day after a pinch hit homer. Jonny Cat’s shakin’ the litter box score! He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, because that shizz is already written, but I’d grab him. He doesn’t have everyday playing time, so you’ll need to platoon him.
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks vs. the Astros. It’s ironic that his name is Archer since he has terrible aim, if I’m using irony correctly, only the Brits know for sure. With that said (what was said?), Archer gets the Twins next.
Desmond Jennings – 3-for-6, 1 run. You know how in the preseason when I’m like a player going 20/20 is the bomb dot rom-com falling in love with a dot org at the end of the year, but living it day-to-day is boring? Desmond is illustrating that perfectly.
Yunel Escobar – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. You ever notice how the letter Y looks like a martini glass? Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t be writing this after an all-day BBQ boozefest.
Taylor Jordan – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, 2.70 ERA. He ain’t from Jersey, but Taylor’s going H.A.M. Or at least lightly grilled pork roll with a side of ratios. I just went over him and it was the longest blurb in the history of Razzball, so I’m not going to copy and paste the whole thing here, but if you want to read it you click on Jordan’s name then click his 2nd most recent article. Look at me leading you by the hand. No relation to Donovan Hand, who actually faced him in this start. Talk about some-mother-effin’-symmetry! And, yes, that is the first time in the history of the planet anyone’s ever said some-mother-effin’-symmetry.
Wilson Ramos – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer. The Nats have been getting decent stats out of their catcher platoon, but for fantasy it’s a blahtoon. Only thing worse than a blahtoon is running into a baboon when you’re dressed as Carmen Miranda.
Ian Desmond – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 2 steals. Are we all aware how valuable he’s been this year? On our Player Rater, he’s the third best shortstop. Seems like he doesn’t get the recognition. In the words of Pete Townsend, “And if I draft anything evil, put your finger down my throat and remove the guy at short… Because no one knows what it’s like to be the Desmond. To be Ian Desmond.” Pete said that — verbatim.
Jayson Werth – 3-for-3, 2 run, 1 RBI and his third steal. FWIWerth, he’s been Werth a lot recently.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (13) and legs (17). He’s totally surprised me with how well he’s maintained his .300+ average. You know what this means, right? It means I’m gonna like him a lot next year and he’s going to defecate in my souvenir Benihana buddha glass.
Jean Segura – 2-for-3, 2 runs and 2 steals (25, 26). He’s on pace for a 20+ homer, 50+ steal season. Um, that’s first round numbers at shortstop. I liked him a lot in the preseason, but this is insane. Not quite as insane as Rudy badgering me not to draft him in leagues, but insane nevertheless. Rudy’s comment is to a bigger point too, lineups in March mean about as much as that girl who’s giving you eye contact. She’s looking at you because there’s a pigeon sitting on your head.
Norichika Aoki – 2-for-5. Seriously, where’s the steals? Make like some Nori and roll!
Elvis Andrus – 1-for-2, 1 RBI as he batted eighth. Elvis hasn’t left the building, but he has moved to the eight hole in the lineup. Next stop for Elvis, playing for the Padres while Profar takes over.
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4 and 2 homers (15, 16). Have I mention yet this week I traded Choo for Beltre about two months ago? No? There ya go!
Raul Ibanez – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer. The wonders of The Zombino. They could hit 35 homers or get injured in a supermarket motorized cart accident.
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) & legs (5), hitting .293. Select a wall, pat it down. Now step back five feet and do the same motion. Now do it as a fifth outfielder and you have Marcell, the mime.
Ryan Ludwick – Will start playing rehab games by the end of this month. I wait with bated breath. Or baited, if a recently caught fish is reading.
Edward Mujica – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his first blown save. Replace him! Kidding. Or am I?! Yeah, I am.
Josh Hamilton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, now hitting .226. Hey, he’s across the street from Marla Gibbs!
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.54. This JUSTin…This JustIN…This JUSTIN? Sorry, was practicing my lines. Where were we? Oh, yes, this Justin will end the season at a sub-3 ERA once again? P to the erhaps.
Austin Jackson – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Missed the full house by one RBI.
Don Kelly – 3-for-4, 3 runs. LL Donkey is doing it and doing it and doing it well.
Kyle Gibson – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER. That isn’t heartburn. That’s your heart being ripped out with part of your upper intestine. You mess with a rookie pitcher and sometimes you wake up in an ice tub labeled, “Involuntary Organ Donor.”
Justin Morneau – 2-for-3 and two solo homers. Now has three homers in the last week, though he was coming off an 0-for-11 three-game stretch. Though, Part II: Though Lives, I’m sure anyone would take some power from Morneau over a few measly singles here and there. In an interesting-not-really-that-interesting way, he had the fewest homers entering yesterday for the top 20 list of most doubles. He’s not a leg ’em out-type, so he most be hitting some near-homers. In other words, he’d win the MVP if this were fantasy horseshoes or hand grenades.
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 2nd steal in as many games. He’s still a hacking mess, striking out at least once, most times twice per game. On the fo’really, the Twins should let him fix things in the minors, otherwise he’s going to be a mess next year, too.
Ichiro Suzuki – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Whenever I look at a Yankees box score I hear in my head, “Jerome! Jerome! Put on that Bobby Womack!
Nah, girl, I wanna go way back… Ahh, yeah, check this out…”
Joshua Phegley – White Sox promoted him. You’ll need a slicker under the broadcasting booth when Jeanmar Gomez is pitching to Phegley. Phegley is a ‘big-time’ prospect with the bat that is being asked to step in for Tyler Flowers, who was also a ‘big-time’ catching prospect. In other words, Phegley could hit .220 with some power. In other other news, he’s fine for 2-catcher, AL-Only leagues, but not much else yet.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Orioles. I’m sure if I streamed him here, he would’ve gave up 7 ER in 2/3 IP. The Mighty Quintana has been usable for the better part of the season, not just as a streamer. He has a 7 K-rate, 3.69 ERA and 2.70 BB/9, which is me spelling out what a usable starter is.
Zach Britton – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Britton doing well on July 4th? Not while I’m eating a jumbo frankfurter and wearing an American Flag t-shirt and Kanye shutter shades!
Carl Crawford – Likely to be activated on Friday. Hey, that’s today! Ugh, I shouldn’t have drank so much yesterday or is that today when I’m writing this? I need subtitles below my head when I look in the mirror. Who can I talk to about that?
Matt Kemp – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. This was his 2nd day in a row with a homer. Geez, I should’ve said on the podcast that Greinke would throw 70 scoreless innings in the 2nd half.
Gerrit Cole – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. I can sit here and make excuses for Cole — and I am sitting — by saying he got Vin Mazzacred, which allowed two runs to be tacked onto Cole’s line, but, really, a 5+ inning start with a few runs and five Ks is gettable off waivers in most mixed leagues. I like Cole a lot in deep leagues or keepers, but in redraft leagues you’re putting the rookie nookie cart before your fantasy team’s horse.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Now fifteen straight starts like that and all will be forgiven.
Carlos Gonzalez – Strained his back on a swing yesterday. Maybe him and Tulo are connected cosmically in some way. Or comically with how they can’t stay healthy. When I said to sell CarGo, I made a bet that he’d be hurt before hitting his 27th homer. He’s now day-to-day and sitting on 23. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt until he hits the DL. So, when’s that? In another week?
Michael Cuddyer – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .343. He got his head in the clouds and he’s not backing down. This Cuddyer is on fiiiiiiiiire… This Cuddyer is on fiiiiiiiiiiiire…
Brandon Lyon – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to pitch for a different team.
Dillon Gee – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Actually pitched even better than that because the Mess turned a dribbler to 2nd base by Parra into a double. The box score play-by-play actually lists it as a bunt double. When someone’s getting bunt doubles, fielders need to be removed a’la Billy Martin with Reggie. As for Gee, he’s money. I’d roll with him in every league.
Heath Bell – 1 IP and his 4th blown save. When opposing hitters hear the Bell call, they start salivating. Ziegler got the save yesterday once everyone else bumberfudged the job, but he just gave up 4 ER in his last two appearances. This closing shituation has a skull and cross bones on it until the D-Backs trade for K-Rod.
Tony Campana – 3-for-6 and his 2nd steal in as many games. Campana may not play full-time, but he will get steals when he does play. If Rajai is the King of SAGNOF! and Leonys is the Queen (of mean) of SAGNOF! What does that make Campana? The Court Jester of SAGNOF? Because he gets people giddy with his giddy up. I find myself giggling like a school girl when I see Campana in a lineup. Tony Campana will be played by…Jerry Lewis with Cody Ross played by Dean Martin. “Hey, Tony, you can’t make flubber. Hubba-bubba-double-va-va-vroom!” That was my Dean Martin impersonation. Now that I think about it, Dean Martin was the original Downtown Julie Brown.