Michael Wacha was within an out of a no-hitter yesterday when Zimmerman hit a bouncer to shortstop, which he barely beat out. Ryan Zimmerman doesn’t want the world to see joy. He’s a joy killer. Every time some 14-year-old writes jk jk jk. They’re not abbreviating ‘just kidding,’ they’re really talking about Ryan Zimmerman joy killing. For a moment, I was on board with The Joy Killer because I don’t need Wacha getting hyped up anymore than necessary for next year. You hear Wacha I’m talking about? You like Wacha I’m working with? Wacha you say to that? Okay, I want to stop replacing what with Wacha, but I can’t. Wacha can I do?! There is gonna be an insane amount of young pitchers next year that I’ll be eyeing, and Wacha is yet another one. In 64 2/3 IP this year, he had a 9+ K/9, 2.61 xFIP and a 2.64 BB/9. Yes, please, come again. I could see this 22-year-old giving you a Shelby Miller-type season next year, maybe even, dare I say it, Matt Harvey. That’s Wacha I’m talking about! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Trevor Rosenthal – 1/3 IP and his 2nd save in as many nights. If there was any doubt about who the Cardinals new closer is, put your doubts out of sight…Oh, no, I feel a rhyme coming on. I heard someone talking about Breaking Bad finale parties…Like I need to be there to shush all you honkeys or old fartys…I’m gonna watch with my Cougar and my dog as White takes on his demons…I catch someone giving spoilers in the comments due to my Pacific Coast time, you’re booted off the site like Marcus Semien’s…on a fantasy team owned by Mormons. Word to your mother.
Manny Machado – Goes to show what prayer and sneaking into a hospital room and holding Machado’s hand while he was on anesthesia can do. His ACL and MCL and other Roman numerals are all fine. He has a torn patellar ligament, which means he can do light jogging away from me while I’m dressed in a trench coat in 6-8 weeks and will be fine for spring training. You’re welcome!
Alexi Casilla – Probably out for the year after displaying concussion symptoms. When asked if he were all right, he said, “Of course, I’m all right, I’m J. Edgar Hoover. Now where are my burgundy pumps?!”
Chris Tillman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. He either gets shut down to save his arm from more innings, which would stink, or he gets the Red Sox next in a game that will mean nothing for the O’s and Red Sawx, which is freakin’ awesome for fantasy because the Red Sox will bench everyone. And who says fantasy dilutes enjoyment from real baseball.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. His 2nd half ERA is 1.86. Zoinks! So that got me thinking — I think, y’all! — what is the Indians pitching staff’s ERA in the 2nd half? It’s 3.14. 4th best in the majors. So that took me to look at Ubaldo’s schedule in the 2nd half — Mariners, Twins, Marlins, White Sox twice, Royals, Astros and the struggling-at-the-time Orioles. 8 gimmes that he tookme. Also, the Braves, Angels, A’s and Rangers, who he dominated. If you want to say I’m cherrypicking the Orioles out, fine. His xFIP in that game was 4.54. In those four starts against solid opponents, his xFIP is over 4.00. Hmm… Or said without a full mouth, interesting. If the Indians are still vying for a playoff spot on the last day of the season, Ubaldo’s string of easy opponents continues with the Twins.
Chris Perez – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, but turned out to be an escape goat when The Giambino won the game for the Indians and Addison Reed ended up with the loss and his 8th blown save, pushing his ERA up to 3.84. Addison might think about subtracting, son.
Michael Brantley – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and the ever-delicious slam (10) and legs (16), hitting near .450 in the last week and he has two homers in the last three games. Hey, Avisail, you are not the hottest schmotato in the land. Michael Brantley is now.
Jeff Keppinger – Will have season-ending surgery on his shoulder. He’s under contract with the White Sox until 2015. And you thought your favorite team had problems. Oy gevalt!
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting over .300 in the last week with another homer. Hope I don’t sound like a broken record but I’d still pick him up. Hope I don’t sound like a broken record but I’d still pick him up. Hope– Ugh, sorry. It was that record or ABBA.
Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. 2nd homer in the last week and a steal in that time. Far from exciting in any specific month, but decent in just about every month. Like a Dominican Shin-Soo. I will call him Sí-Chuy.
Yu Darvish – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks. Limping a bit to the finish line (~3.50 ERA in September) and his problem with walks that plagued him last year has returned in a big way (33 Ks to 18 BBs). So you only have the 2nd or 3rd best pitcher in baseball this year instead of the best. Aw… Let me put a five cent bid in on eBay for the world’s smallest violin. If I win it, I’ll play it for you.
Matt Dominguez – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer. Yup, I’ll be pimping him next year as the poor man’s Donaldson — call him NotDonaldTrumpson.
Carlos Gonzalez – Will take batting practice soon and isn’t giving up on returning this year. Someone should mention to him that September doesn’t have 75 days in it.
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (6) and legs (7). Someone’s trying to get in my nethers like Josh Rutledge last year. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me…We won’t be fooled again as George Bush and The Who exclaimed. Never the hoo! Grab Blackmon right now like you’re doing racial profiling!
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Today is your last day to get in on the Coors fun, but make sure Dickerson’s playing. Though, Rockies lineups tend to be posted about thirty seconds prior to game time. They have to travel back to sea level before reaching the internet?
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks in what will likely be his last start of the regular season. I wish he was entirely finished for 2013. I love you, Pirates, but please don’t put too many innings on Cole’s arm in the playoffs. Ta!
Phil Coke – Sent back to Detroit for tests on his elbow. The tests will include seeing how quickly he can wave away a homeless man.
Austin Jackson – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Let’s go in our Way Way Back Machine! In April, I was talking about how I wished we drafted Austin Jackson on every team, instead of none. Then Rudy came into the comments and told me that we did draft him on one team. I had forgotten because of how many teams we had. That excited me; we had Austin Jackson! Five months later, I wish we didn’t draft him on any teams.
Omar Infante – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. Hitting near .350 in the last week with a steal. You’re not going to get much besides counting stats and average, but if you’re struggling at middle infidel, I could see it.
A.J. Griffin – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. That pitching line is also known as “What A’s starters’ lines could look like the rest of the regular season as they tune up for the playoffs.” I.e., It ain’t great.
Jason Vargas – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. So, the A’s were playing still drunk on Monday, then finally feeling the hangover on Tuesday. Got it. So get drunk again, it works for Miggy.
Howie Kendrick – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer and 2nd in as many games. Don’t worry, he’s not pulling me in for another season where I call him a sleeper. (Actually, he might be. For another day!) If he’s out there for some reason, I’d absolutely grab him.
Madison Bumgarner – Shut down for the season. That means Bum’ll be on his bum, which sounds like lyrics from Das EFX.
Wily Peralta – Won’t make his final start of the year due to a blister and a great deal he found on Travelocity.
Jean Segura – Failed running tests and is likely done for the year. We should get Rob Reiner to give a speech in memoriam for Jean Segura’s season.
Tyler Thornburg – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks in his last start of the year, lowering (raising?) his ERA to 2.03. Now the Brewers fans have something to look forward to besides Ryan Braun returning to the team at a svelte 130 pounds, and looking like a middle infielder. Seriously, Braun didn’t look that jacked before. Is he going to look like DJ Qualls now?
Jonathan Lucroy – 1-for-3, 1 RBI and his 7th steal. Behind the scenes at Razzball HQ, I’m currently setting up the end of the season rankings for each position that I’ll begin posting next week. Lucroy kinda blew my mind with how valuable he’s been and/or how bad the catchers were this year.
Hiroki Kuroda – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, raising his ERA to 3.31, and pushing his 2nd half ERA over 4.00. August and September ERA’s were over 5. Well, his last name does sound like it’s Japanese for grody.
Matt Moore – 5 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.23. He could get the Jays in his last start, depending on the playoff picture. If I were you, I’d want him done for the year. Also, if I were you, I’d throw away the undershirts with the yellow pit stains.
Justin Smoak – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, and third homer this week. As I said after his last homer, if you need power and where there’s Smoak there’s… Damn, where’d I put that book of cliches? I should’ve read it instead of judging it by its cover.
James Paxton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks. Well, howdy doody to you too. Wouldn’t expect that kind of start every time out says the Stream-o-Nator, but he gets a great final matchup in an A’s team that will almost certainly be playing their second fiddles like that bearded guy on The Voice that sang The Jeffersons’ theme song.
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. Too bad it’s not the 2nd week of April when I’m writing that.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 with his 36th homer. Au Shizz!
Tyson Ross – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Gets the Giants in San Fran his next time out, and I like San Fran for a stream, that is what we are… And we rely on each other, ah-ha…From one lover to another, ah-ha… Sorry, my Cougar was playing her high school prom song.
Mat Latos – Will start on Wednesday instead of Thursday. That means his wife will be on Twitter a day earlier. Yay.
Mike Leake – 1 2/3 IP, 4 ER. Leake? More like a full-blown flood.
Vic Black – Got the save yesterday. Talk about out of left field. Or wherever the visitors’ bullpens are in Great American. I don’t think Black will get another save, but Terry Collins might just chuck any remaining saves around his bullpen since Hawkins isn’t going to be the closer next year. And here I thought Vic Black was the front man for The Pixies.
Jon Niese – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. He didn’t look great, but he got the job done. Hey, that sounds like the reasoning behind his new nose.