First Stanton, now Joey Votto. I got two good knees. Take my knees. Please! I take my knees everywhere and they always find their way home. I will attempt to put into words how distraught I was over losing Votto, but Autocorrect tried to change put into pout, so even it knows this isn’t going to be easy. When I was five years old, I had a Yorkie by the name of Lollipops. Lollipops was about four pounds. We were thick as thieves. Every baby picture of me has Lollipops right by my side. One picture I’m even holding it up to my face pretending I’m a baby with a mustache. That dog was the best damn dog in the entire world. Until it was eaten by a German Shepherd right in front of me. Occasionally, Lollipops will come to me in my dreams. Last night, he did. We were at Friendly’s — that was his favorite — and sharing a Fribble. When Lollipops got up from the table, I saw he was wearing a Reds Jersey and the last name on the back said Votto’s Knees and the jersey’s number was 666. We’re all screwed! Why can’t I have anything beautiful? Ugh, so the Reds said Votto would be out two weeks, then they actually consulted with a doctor and changed their estimate to a month. Here’s to a nice September with no setbacks. For the love of Lollipops! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Bautista - Joey Bats left yesterday’s game after injuring his wrist on a swing. As commenter, Slappy Pappy (real name!) said, “Bad day to be a Joey. Blossom is in a prayer circle for Mr. Lawrence right now.” Initial tests showed no break, but a tendon problem. Resident Razzball doctor, Dr. O. Bleek said, “Tendons can be tough things. You ever try chewing on one?” I’m sure we’ll know more today after tests come back, but when a hitter hurts themselves on a swing, it usually means a 15-day DL stint.
Anthony Gose – With Bautista probably going to the DL, the Blue Jays are going to bring up Anthony Gose. His name sounds like what a drunken person running into Anthony Edwards at a urinal would call him. In 91 games in Triple-A this year, 29 steals. Year before — 69 steals. Well, hello there, beautiful. Though, he may not hit over .240 as his Ks are a bit silly. If I were in the need… the need for speed, I’d grab him. Anthony Gose, SAGNOF me or lose me forever! Burp!
Adam Lind – 1-for-3 with another homer. Everything I let go of turns to gold!
David Ortiz – Hurt himself running the bases on A-Gon’s 3-run homer. Papi must’ve been so shocked that A-Gon hit it. Or maybe A-Gon was only supposed to hit 6 homers all year and, in a Final Destination-type twist, fate took Papi’s Achilles. It’s definitely one of those two. Ortiz will have an MRI on his Achilles today, but Bobby V. doesn’t expect him to miss more than a few games. Bobby said just wrap it up. Makes everything better.
Carl Crawford – 1-for-3 in his return to the lineup then was lifted for Nava late in the game. Aren’t you glad you held him since March?
Pedro Ciriaco – 3-for-4, now batting .464 in his short stay in the majors. Does Pedroia have to return on Thursday? I’m not asking for me. I’m asking for my fantasy teams.
Dylan Axelrod – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Sure, go absolutely full turd against other teams after I say I like you, then dominate the Sawx. Makes perfect sense!
Kevin Youkilis – 3-for-4 and a run. It was far from a successful return to Fenway with a hit up the middle and two doubles. He meant to foul every pitch off into the Sawx dugout.
Brett Gardner – Going for another MRI. I hope he got the stamp card!
Mariano Rivera – Hoping to return in September. He credits his speedy recovery with positive thinking and staying the hell away from Brett Gardner’s doctor.
Phil Hughes – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Blue Jays in the South Bronx, South, South Bronx. The Ks weren’t dazzling in this game, but they’re nice on the season (8+ K/9) and his walks have been solid (barely over a 2 BB/9). Next March when he’s 26 years old, I might just have to go all-in.
Juan Carlos Oviedo – UCL sprain in his elbow. He’ll try to rehab through it or he’ll get Tommy John surgery. Weighing his options will go like this. ”On one hand, I could rehab. On the other hand… Well, I can’t pick up the other hand.”
Michael Dunn – Recorded the save yesterday because Ozzie’s dart missed the “Who’s going to close tonight?” dartboard completely and instead hit his Adam Dunn voodoo doll. “Puta, make me a bigger dartboard!” That’s Ozzie talking to Joey Cora. I wouldn’t rush out to grab Dunn, but continue to hold Cishek.
Hanley Ramirez – Got the ol’ slam (13) and legs (13) from the five hole, which is a porn director’s shorthand for the left ear.
Zach McAllister – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. McAlkaseltzer! You haven’t listened to me to buy him for the last couple of weeks and he’s now 4-1 with a 3.17 ERA. You know that once you do pick him up, he’s gonna explode. You know that, right?
Desmond Jennings – 2-for-3 with a homer. ESPN’s news about him was he’s just not having good at-bats right now. How was that homer at-bat, ESPN? Good enough for ya?
Juan Nicasio – Needs knee surgery to remove loose bodies. Ya know, I liked the Closepocalypse so much better than this sudden outbreak of Kneerosis. And what’s with all the loose bodies in people’s knees? It’s like a knee morgue up in here.
Ian Desmond – Says he hopes to play on Tuesday after taking some anti-inflammatory medication and receiving treatment from a massage therapist. Ah, a happy ending for Desmond and his owners.
Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K. The wheels looked like they came off in his last start (@COL, 8 ER), but that was explained away with the mile high air. Well, the wheels are off, rolling down from a mile up and careening outta control like Vin Diesel’s ego in the early naughts. I wouldn’t drop Jackson right now, but he’s becoming more of a matchups guy.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-3 with another homer. Who do you want me to drop so they get hot? Just give a name and I’ll see what I can do. You want me to drop Hosmer? Say the word!
Ryan Howard – Homered yesterday. Sell! Sell! Sell!
Chris Tillman – 2/3 IP, 1 ER and 6 unearned runs and a Ticker Shock that had his owners doing a Redd Foxx “I’m coming, Elizabeth!”
Jim Johnson – 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Kazaam! The Orioles gave up 19 runs total to the Twins. Guess the Orioles can cross off “Get f**ked by Twins” from their bucket list.
Joe Mauer – 2-for-5 with his 6th homer, Ben Revere went 4-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 19th steal, Denard Span went 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and Justin Morneau went 4-for-5, 3 runs. Only one not getting in on the action was Ryan Doumit, who went 0-for-4. That’s what he gets for being last man in the turnstile on “First 8 Twin hitters have a season-high game” Night.
Rick Porcello – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks. It’s weird that some pitchers like, say, Fiers had to battle through their organization system for-effin-ever (which is also the name of a group that used to open for Evanescence), while Porcello probably should’ve been in the minors another two years at least and the Tigers don’t seem like they’ll ever send him down, even though he has a 4.50 career ERA and that’s artificially deflated by a lucky rookie year.
Salvador Perez – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer. That’s in 17 games. Yup.
Jonathan Sanchez – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Mariners. You can call him Filthy Sanchez or you can call him Smellie Fingers. Giving up seven earned runs to Mariners in one and a third is more difficult than A) Shutting out the Mariners. B) Trying to convince someone who works at a Genius Bar that they should switch to a PC. C) Mating a unicorn with Sloth from The Goonies in a B&B that’s located in the Bermuda Triangle.
Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer, because someone’s going to point it out anyway, the above blurb wasn’t factual. I mean, not just inaccurate in the obvious ways. The Mariners are actually solid on the road. Guess what Seattle ranks for runs away from home? *taps finger, scratches chin, accidentally pops zit, dabs chin with inside of shirt* They’re third! Behind the Yanks and Cards.
Justin Upton – 3-for-4 with a steal. Probably playing extra hard so the Pirates trade for him. Man, that sounds weird. It makes my sarcastic radar malfunction. My lower case yay-dar, if you will.
Michael Fiers - 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks and lowers his ERA 2.01. I’m not going to tell you to pick him up again. I’m going to break into your house, log onto your fantasy team and pick him up for you. I’m like Kris Kringle without morals and even more free time!
John Axford – Blew his 6th save in 22 opportunities, giving up 3 runs, after being asked to protect a 2-run lead. In a related story, K-Rod invited his father-in-law to hang out in the clubhouse dressed as a water cooler.