(Note from Rudy: I wanted the title, “Ditch Stitch Tits.” Over Instant Messenger, Grey thickly said, “What’s with you and the stitch tits? This is about Vlad, not Pamela Anderson.” It means Vlad had a pectoral tear. Your pectoral is in your chest. Sorry none of you could bask in my preferred title. Now, carry on, Grey — lamer!) Vladimir Guerrero is due back on Monday from a torn pectoral. I’m not a doctor, but occasionally I played one in my preteen years. All I know of the pectoral is it’s somewhere in Vlad’s body. Do I have one? Maybe. No idea. So let’s go with what I do know. Scioscia lies; he lies when he cries that Vlad can’t play the outfield, but can DH, which he said on April 7th, right before Vlad missed six weeks. When Vlad did finally hit the DL, some source that Jayson Stark won’t reveal (because this is just so damning I suppose) said, “When those offensive linemen get (the same injury as Vlad) in the NFL, they’re out for the year.” So, assuming Vlad doesn’t need to block Jose Guillen from trying to tackle Scioscia, will Vlad be in the clear come Monday? Not likely. The injury that was only supposed to effect him when he throws has already sidelined him for 6 weeks from hitting. I’m assuming the Angels brass got together and decided half of a Vlad (or Vl) was a lot more intimidating hitting in the middle of the lineup than sitting on the sidelines doing Sudoku. This does not mean you need to have him in your fantasy lineup. Remember last year from June on, Vlad only hit 20 homers, or about what Raul Ibanez has done already (Raul!). Then you throw in the risk of having a player who is a Latin 34 with deteriorating skills and knees and he’s a sell. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Brian Anderson – Could have some slight value in AL-Only leagues. Though if you have a erection for longer than 4 hours after picking up Brian Anderson, you should seek advice from a doctor.
David Aardsma – He’s worked his way into the last two Buy/Sells going for the record of 4, which is currently held by last summer’s Cliff Lee when I kept telling people to sell him. Hmm…
Jorge Posada – I’m not a huge fan of Jorge, but if he’s on waivers right now and you’re hurting for a catcher, I’d stash him in my DL spot. He’s due back soon. Act like you know, MC Lyte!
Paul Konerko – Not a thrilling name (he’s no Posada!) but he’s been hitting for average recently with power coming on. He has 20 more homers in his bat.
Casey Blake – Keeping with the boring veteran theme, Blake’s good for 85/25/95/.270 and one alleged homicide.
Scott Hairston – Wait, where are the exciting names? A hitter on the Padres? This is the worst Buy/Sell ever! Thanks, random italicized voice. Yeah, Hairston’s boring as dog balls and yawnstipating at best, but he’s hot right now and hitting in the middle of the Padres order. I wouldn’t trade for him, but if you need a Hot Hitter Injection in your outfield, he’s worth a looksee.
Mat Gamel – Interleague is here and Gamel will see DH ABs. Just hold him until the end of interleague because if he torches right handers this weekend, you’ll wish you gave him a few more days. Oh, and if he hits righties like he’s capable of, he might platoon with H.A. double hockey sticks when they go back to those old school NL vs. NL match-ups. Or Hall might move to 2nd. All we need is just a little patience.
J.A. Happ – Will Happ be crapp? PPotentially. But he’s worth a pickup (don’t start him) in 12 team or deeper leagues.
Homer Bailey – Never trust a pitcher named Homer? Well, not at first I wouldn’t.
Kris Medlen – Hmm… Let’s see if Grey can take out his magic stick on these schmohawks. Happ, Medlen then Bailey, in that order. But, guys, they’re all rookie pitchers. You’re taking on a lot of risk. As I’ve said before, a rookie hitter goes 0-for-16 and he does little damage to your team. A rookie pitcher gives up 6 earned in 4 innings and it hurts.
Rafael Betancourt – Do I trust Betancourt at all? No, but picking up cheap saves isn’t a trust exercise.
Jesus Guzman – He has Bugs Bunny numbers down in Triple-A, but he can’t field to the point where Gamel would be used as his defensive replacement. Might just be up for the interleague series or he might relieve the Giants fans of having to watch Ishikawa bat. In deep leagues and NL-Only ones, he’s worth a flier. Oh, and in ESPN leagues, he’s eligible at shortstop. Zoinks!
Jonny Gomes – Worth a flier in NL-Only leagues. But Gomes is so AAAA. So, in that way, he’s twice the player that Josh Hamilton is.
Jair Jurrjens – Jar-Jar’s a lot closer to a 3.75 ERA pitcher, instead of a 1.96 ERA. His Ks are low and his luck is high. But for those of you with Restless Trade Finger, don’t trade him for a bag of buttered popcorn and a postcard stamp. He shouldn’t collapse.
Corey Hart – ’80s pop icon has been struggling, though hitting fine against righties. (Fine’s obviously subjective here, but no worse than how he’s hitting against lefties. But if the Brewers really wanted to mess with his mind, they could start Gerut against some righties. You shouldn’t be dropping Hart, or selling him low, but it’s a situation to track.
Jose Lopez – Who are you, Lopez? You’re not even a Sparky Anklebiter. You suck. Goodbye.
Adrian Beltre – A drain on my patience. I’m done with you too. Now don’t make me ever watch the Mariners again. Frankly, I don’t ever even want to go to Seattle now. You ruined it for me. Are you happy?
Howie Kendrick – Batting 9th, but let’s assume that’s the 2nd number one hitter in the order. Okay, so he’s batting in front of Figgins and Erick Aybar… He’s going to get bunted to third every time he gets on base? Goodbye, hate you too.
Trevor Hoffman – Currently has a 0.00 ERA. That actually might have people believing he’s about to save 40 games. Well, maybe he does, but if you can trade Hoffman for an every day hitter or a “go pitcher,” remember SAGNOF.
Roy Oswalt – Name value is all that’s carrying him at this point. His Ks are down. He’s not even being particularly unlucky. His men left on base are about where they should be. He’s looking like a 4.50 ERA pitcher right now. Hold the sides of your head because I’m about to blow your mind. Wandy’s better than Roy.
Conor Jackson – Gag me with a spoon! Jackson contracted Valley Fever that turned into pneumonia which has given his owners the boogie woogie blues. This pneumonia – which may drag on all year like Casey Kotchman’s mono – makes him droppable in all but NL-only formats.
Andruw Jones – Your laissez faire attitude was fine when you were in your twenties, but now you’re just fat and lazy and hope everything comes easy to you. Me to Andruw, not my Mom to me. I’m not fat.