Trading season is upon us and Leo Nunez and Heath Bell could be out while Mike Dunn or Mike Adams could be in. And K-Rod is 5 minutes ago, according to Jessica Shaw. Every time Bell seems more likely to be traded first, Jeffrey Loria whips his checkbook onto the Marlins GM’s back to trade faster. Between Dunn and Adams, Dunn is less likely to get saves between him and Adams. Dunn’s chances skyrocket if he can bake McKeon’s favorite prune cookies or if he pushes Cishek down a flight a stairs. Outside of trading, Aroldis Chapman is nipping on Francisco Cordero’s heels, but don’t forget Dusty’s penchant to stick with his incumbent. On a related note, Ancestry.com revealed earlier this week that Dusty is a direct descendent of Jim O’Rourke, the manager of the 1883 Buffalo Bisons who once pitched Pud Galvin 656 1/3 innings in one season. Your best bet for saves is to grab Mike Adams, Dunn or Chapman, in that order. Or reverse order if you’re dyslexic. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Bobby Parnell – It’s all SAGNOF, all the time today, huh? Hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich and put the SAGNOF between your knees.
Jason Isringhausen – Between Parnell and Izzy, I like Parnell. Okay, that’s a lie. I like whoever the Mets want to use in the ninth. But I like Parnell to be used in the ninth more.
Jon Rauch – Him and his neck tattoo will shank you with saves.
Sean Marshall – I originally thought if Marmol gets replaced Wood would (stutterer!) take over over (stop stuttering!) Marshall, but Quade says Marshall, so that’s the guy to grab. I also don’t think Marmol loses the job for long. Maybe a few days to a week.
Javy Guerra – Only owned in 18% of ESPN leagues, but 85% of ESPN leagues are abandoned so I guess he’s owned in 103% of leagues. Sounds a little high.
Paul Maholm – Has a 2.96 ERA, a 1.18 WHIP and you’re standing there with your hands in your pants playing pocket bocci ball.
Vance Worley – A tub of Liquid Paper is about to fall on his stats for some correction, but while he’s pitching well on a good team, as Fonzie’s horse said, what the hey?
Aaron Harang – Good for home starts and if your league has the category, “Ugly.”
Cory Luebke – Has an ERA of 2.57 and a WHIP of 0.89. Geez, Officer Luebke, an ERA and WHIP like that?!
Mike Trout – Don’t have much faith in the Los Angeles Angels of Orange County Which Could Become A Different State From Los Angeles playing Trout once Bourjos returns, but I’d hold him to see how it pans out.
Nate Schierholtz – Every dawn has its day, every rose has its thorn and every year Schierholtz gets hot for about two weeks at a time.
Jose Tabata – Does he realize that the B in SB stands for base, not baby? Maybe, maybe not. Any the hoo! He should be back any day now, Annie Potts. I’d grab him in all but the shallowest leagues. What’s the worst thing that could happen? He goes 0-for-35 and steals your baby? Big whoop!
Brandon Allen – Just went over my Brandon Allen fantasy. I wrote it while manscaping. Don’t judge me.
Scott Sizemore – With Grady being yawnstipating, Scott is about the only Sizemore doing anything, unless you count Tom Sizemore doing coke.
Jason Kipnis – Before we starting reaching around on each other that we picked up Kipnis first, what current rookie call up has made a difference on your team if you’re in a league shallower than 14 teams? I like Kipnis for some light speed and power and decent average. In two months, he could give you 7/7. Get one more seven and you’ll have a jackpot in Reno, not so much in fantasy baseball.
Eduardo Nunez – Maybe Nunez, the Yankees super-sub, can have A-Rod get Boras on the horn to see if Nunez can get some endorsements while he’s filling in for the next month. “Bronx Subway’s Super-sub is a steal!” That’s Eduardo Nunez badly reading a cue card in a local commercial. BTW, what smells worse — New York subways or a Subway restaurant?
Shaun Marcum – We had high hopes for Marcum this year, didn’t we? Well, I did. Member in January when I had rented that biplane and wrote Marcum in a heart in the sky? We found out two things that day 1) I loved Marcum 2) I look good in aviator goggles. He didn’t fully disappoint. 7 wins, 3.39/1.13/101 Ks in the 1st half is nothing to sneeze at unless you’re allergic to productive #2 fantasy starters. The problem moving forward is I think he’s still hurt. He’s a man’s man that eats grizzly bear steaks and wears their dead grizzly heads for a hat, so I think he’s going to try to pitch through the pain and be less effective. I wouldn’t trade him for a Billy Butler-endorsed manssiere, but I’d explore options.
Johnny Cueto – He has a 1.96 ERA and a 1.00 WHIP. His K-rate is 5.44 and his walk rate is 2.83. Another temporarily unnamed pitcher has a K-rate of 5.35 and a walk rate of 2.83. That’s Fausto Carmona and his ERA is 5.78. Obviously they’re not the same pitcher unless they urinated in a fountain while making a wish. Cueto’s BABIP is .218 and he’s leaving more than 80% of men on base. A pimply teenager runs into frame and screams, “Watch out! Johnny Cueto is gonna fall back to earth!” I’ve said that before, but everything in Hollywood needs a sequel.