Chase Utley was placed on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb and he might need surgery. This injury opens up a big gaping hole in his owners’ hearts that can only be filled with junk food and hardcore drugs. Utley may not have been playing his weight in pomade, but at least you had him out there. At night when you crawled into your Michelob-scented bedsheets, your head hit the pillow knowing that if nothing else Utley was healthy. Looks like you’re going to have to dust off the “Sounds of the Ocean” CD you used to help you sleep when your wife left you. Phillies will turn to Wilson Valdez, Juan Catastrophe and Brian Bocock, whose surname is bad enough without me altering it. Hopefully your options are better. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Placido Polanco – Crapolanco also heads off to the DL. Too bad because he was leading David Wright in All-Star votes for 3rd base. Hold on, whaaaaa??? Oh. Wait, what? If his vote tally goes up while he’s on the DL, I’m gonna suggest players can’t vote for themselves.
Chris Carpenter – As reported here before I ever read it elsewhere then re-reporting it after I did read it elsewhere, Carp could miss his next start because of the comebacker he took off his forearm.
Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers. ESPN dedicated three minutes to Pujols yesterday with only two mentions of Strasburg.
Felipe Lopez – 4-for-5 with a steal and 6 for his last 9. Worth taking a look at if you lost Pedroia or Utley.
David Freese – Is on ice for 15 days with a sprained right ankle. Or as doctors call it, “a rankle.”
Dexter Fowler – As Hawpe nurses his ribs back to succulency, the Rockies called up a Razzball favorite, Dexter Fowler. Fowler still doesn’t have an everyday job in the outfield. Can the Rockies please ship off Hawpe and Spilborghs? Fowler has great speed and good on base skills. If he gets starts, I’ll be more excited. I still grabbed him in all but one league where I was beat to the punch by Behrens. Behrens!
Joel Zumaya – Will miss the rest of the season with a displaced fracture of his… It hurts just to type it. It’s not good. Let’s move on.
Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-4, 2 homers. Looked like his Mummy knees were starting to unravel in June (4 homers, .229 this month), but last night was a nice sign of life. (Of course I was sonavabenched by him last night, but that’s my ulcer.)
Ryan Doumit – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer. Been Doumit out power since June 5th, but he’s the type to hit them in bunches like a horny monkey.
John Lackey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. That’s cool, I dropped him in a league yesterday. I’m done with this schmohawk. You can’t start him at home, in away games he’s taking on the Yanks, Rays and 1927 Blue Jays. It’s over for Lackey and I. I should’ve never drafted him to begin with. Have a nice life, don’t write!
Bill Hall – 1-for-3 and a homer as he filled in for Pedroia. Hopefully Hall’s brother doesn’t follow the lead of Dustin’s brother, Pedo Pedroia.
Adrian Beltre – 4-for-4 as he hits .349 on the year. That translates to .270 at Safeco and .220 in a non-contract year.
Carl Crawford – 4-for-5 and a steal as he pulled back on the road after his shoulder issue.
B.J. Upton – Sat out, but the dork in the Buddy Holly glasses said it wasn’t because of his argument with Longoria. Longoria said, “Yes, it was.”
Roger Bernadina – 1-for-4 with a steal. Has now hit in nine of his last ten games, though he only has one multi-hit game in there. He’s making a case for the leadoff spot and has shown some power and speed with 5 homers and 7 steals in 162 ABs while batting near .300. It’s not spectacular, but in deep leagues it’s worth the flyer.
Joey Votto – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. I <3 Votto.
Mike Leake – 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as the Leake floods your ERA basement. You guys had a good run. Get his address and you can write to him when he’s on someone else’s team.
Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Has now strung together 5 solid starts.
J.J. Putz – Got the save as Jenks continues to be away from the team. Jenks will return within the next day or so, but this does tell us a bit about what Ozzie is thinking regarding Thornton and Putz. Worth noting in case Jenks is traded.
Russell Branyan – 1-for-4 as he hit 3rd. Really? He’s your three hole hitter? This is like when you and your lady breakup because you’re a damn fool and thought the new girl would be so much better and let you play your video games and cook for you and laugh at your corny jokes. Branyan is the new girl, he is not better than the old girl.
Nick Swisher – 2-for-4 with 2 homers. I almost sat him vs. The Adverb. Sonavabenching averted.
Phil Hughes – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks. Looks like the Hughes Rules in regards to skipping his rotation turn is working as well as the Joba Rules.
Matt LaPorta – Back from the minors only a few games and already homered. It’s a nice sign. Those of you hurting for a decent corner infidel will want to keep an eye on LaPorta. We might have a live one, ya’ll.
Kevin Kouzmanoff – 0 for his last 12. Yeah, his worth-owning streak might have officially come to a close.
Denard Span – 4-for-4, 3 Triples, 2 Runs and 5 RBIs. Look at Denard Dawg getting it done. Probably will have a career year for steals in 2010 with the way he’s cut down his caught stealings.
Pat Burrell – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer as he bats .344 so far with the Giants. Maybe it’s good he’s in San Fran so he can focus on baseball and not girls. No, not in that way. He was going through a messy divorce in Tampa and said he was having a hard time focusing. In San Fran, he can focus on nothing but bats and balls. No, still not like that.
Clint Barmes – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. Here’s another MI that you can look at if you just lost Utley. Barmes can give you a couple of ropers while only hurting you in average.
Huston Street – Recorded his first save of the year. Member when you drafted him and you thought he’d be healthy by mid-April? Good times!
Manny Ramirez – Left the game with an injured hamstring. Better get Vladimir Shpunt on the horn!
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4. Until Manny was hurt, Kemp was out of the starting lineup for the third straight day. In related Rihanna news, Chris Brown has a new single.
Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER as he recorded the newly-coined glossary term, sphinctory.
Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 3 ER. Lidge now has 5 saves, 2 blown saves and a 5.25 ERA. Good that he has the closer mentality, because without that intangible he’d be out of a job.
Wilson Valdez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs as he hit a homer filling in for Utley. After the game, he met with a youngster named, Wilson Beepee, to assure him his name won’t always elicit jeers.