Picture above ground, there’s different levels of air. In the first level of air, there’s number one outfielders. Ryan Braun, he’s a number one. He’s like a Macy’s Day Parade balloon, big and just off the ground. Then in the next level of air, there’s number two outfielders. We’re right above the world’s tallest buildings now. There you find Nelson Cruz. Say hello, Nelson. Okay, he’s brooding. Next level up is the number three’s. What’s up, Jason Kubel? Chillin’, Grey! Watch your head, there’s a plane flying past to your right. Swoosh! Above them, and the air is thinning now. You can’t breath, and not simply because you smoke a pack a day while telling your loved one you’re running to the store to get a snack — 17 times a day. Balls carry a little better here. Here we find number four outfielders. Here is Tyler Colvin. He’s singing, “Sunny, came home,” and his armpits are heavy with fur. Now, at times, number one outfielders could have their humans lose their string and float up to number two. Number two’s could float up and stink. They’re usually the most silent, but deadly. Number 3’s could get a bad pocket of air and go to number 4. And all of these could be reversed with 4’s going to 3, 3’s to 2 and 2’s to 1. 1’s can’t go lower, but they’re already beasts. Right now, Tyler is floating around the 3rd outfielder stratosphere. “What’s up, Jason Kubel? I’m Tyler Colvin, I used to be a number four and open at Lilith Fair.” That’s Tyler Colvin acting out this, the world’s longest metaphor. Colvin will probably float back to his own kind, but he’s playing every day and hitting — 3 homers in the last ten games, batting ~.350 in the last week. In the smaller picture that you need your reading glasses for, he should be owned in all leagues. In the big picture, he’s nothing more than a .250 hitter with power. Think Ryan Ludwick. So, at some point, he’s not becoming of number two outfielder, just a number two. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Garrett Jones – Every time I lay my dark, mysterious, perfectly set eyes on Garrett Jones, we connect in a way that is only explainable a few times a year when he’s hitting. Right now, we’ve got eyes for each other.
Norichika Aoki – He hasn’t stopped hitting since last time I told you to buy him last week. Fun fact! Norichika is geisha bedding made of seaweed. It can be compared to the American custom of rubbing onions on ones’ armpits when you haven’t showered.
Quintin Berry – He’s the fastest QB since Warren Moon. Look at Grey busting out some dated football reference that may or may not make sense! If you want some real fantasy football knowledge, click on that linkie-ma-whoseit.
Justin Ruggiano – Right when I started writing this blurb, my iTunes started playing Alexi Murdoch’s Orange Sky that was featured on Dawson’s Creek, a show that hasn’t dated one iota. It was always crap. I love you, Joey! I can’t watch your forehead, VDB! Either way, this song goes, “In Justin Ruggiano, my salvation lies… In Justin Ruggiano, my salvation lies…” At least that’s what I heard.
Lance Berkman – Much to my surprise I found Berkman listed amongst players under 50% owned. Did I then rush to see if he was owned in my league? Noppers! But, still, I’d stash him on my DL if I had room. He’s due back towards the end of July. Just yesterday, he fielded grounders, and I don’t even think they were simulated grounders like what Ryan Howard’s gotten so good with one of those big 3-D helmets on his head like they have in the coolest arcades.
Alexi Amarista – Hey, Amarista, give me a soy latte extra SAGNOF!
Erick Aybar – In this week’s podcast, I mentioned Aybar briefly, saying how Trumbo had pretty much the same amount of steals as him. Yikes; no wonder you’re prematurely balding. Aybar’s giving you the HFU (Hair Follicle Ulcer, for you laymen and four laywomen). Aybar was on the doodie bubble for the better part of two months, but he’s hitting near .450 over the last week and speed should come.
Adam Lind – Let’s put it this way, as long as I don’t pick him up, he should be playing and hitting. Though, I can’t promise you I won’t pick him up again.
Yasmani Grandal – I went over my Yasmani Grandal fantasy when he was first called up. Nothing’s changed except that he’s now hitting homers like he’s Barry Bonds and Justin Ruggiano’s love child, Jarry Buggiano, which I believe was the real name of one of The Bugaloos.
Wilin Rosario – He began the season as a deep league flyer for a number two catcher. Then he slowly progressed to mixed league viable, one catcher leagues. Then he beat Steve Wiebe at Donkey Kong. So Wilin or won’t he continue to hit bombs? He Wilin. Wilin or won’t he hit .250? He Wilin’t. Actually, let’s just call him Wilin’t BA-Foe.
Bobby Parnell – This is probably just confirmation bias or some of Psych 101 term that I’m not 100% of its meaning, but it seems like as soon as a closer gets over 50% owned at ESPN, they fall apart. So maybe it’s good people are taking a long time to add Parnell.
Greg Holland – From craft services, Broxton was seen smuggling out juice pouches and a tray of sandwiches, just in case he has to leave suddenly to go to another team. “With my chubby fingers, it’s hard to get the straw in the Capri Sun, but I like a challenge.” That’s Broxton when asked if he’d welcome being a closer on a contending team.
Sergio Romo – On one hand, he’s better than Casilla. On the other hand, Bochy seems to prefer Casilla. On the third hand that is actually Thing from The Addams Family, if Casilla loses another game, Bochy will have to switch them or people will be calling for his head. Though I’m not sure where they’d put it if they got it. “Sorry, sir, you’re gonna have to check that.” That’s Bochy trying to get his head on a plane.
Franklin Morales – Last week, I told you to “Buy” into Franklin Morales. This “week” I’m telling you to look at what he’s done since last “week.” And when I put quotes on something, I’m using air quotes and raising my voice an octave so I sound like a real ass.
Mike Leake – Even though his K-rate isn’t going to blow anyone away, his walk rate is very solid. His ERA is just over 4, but his xFIP is actually well below it (3.58). When you say Leake, I say Buy. Ready? Leake…Buy! Leake…Buy! Leake…Gotta take one. Gotcha.
Travis Wood – Hey, you gotta take a Leake and now you got Wood… That’s a mess! Wood has a 3.05 ERA and a 1.09 WHIP. Okay, now randomly pull up a guy’s stats from your team. No, not a hitter. Okay, you looking at a pitcher’s stats? Wood’s better or worse? Okay, but Wood’s not this good so don’t go crazy with yourself on who you drop.
Tommy Milone – For a while Milone was a homeschooling MediOAKer, but aside from a Coors start, he’s been solid in away games too for the last month-plus. Milone no phony.
Michael Fiers – If you’re waiting for the bottom to drop out with him, maybe you wait while he’s on your team. Just a suggestion. Also, he sounds like what Michael Kors’s gay friends would call him. You are Michael FIERS! Now, work!
Mark Trumbo – Ryuken! That’s one of you in a white tattered karate gi, giving me the surgefist into my gut because I listed Mark Trumbo in the Sells. I’m a bad person, I knew this. I mean, have you even read my (e)book? The New York Times (e)Book Review said, “(e)Books can stay with you a lot longer than we ever imagine, and not simply because we get that stupid pinwheel and our Adobe Reader won’t close. Grey’s (e)book, however, that’s a tour de farce of one unsympathetic character that you hope you never meet.” Trumbo is hitting fifty points over his means. At some point, creditors are gonna come in and repossess his luck with balls in play. Also, his HR/FB% is the 7th highest in the majors and probably will drop down some. Finally, The Sciosciapath is going to ask for his playing time back. I still like Trumbo, but I think if we wanted to chart out a graph of Trumbo’s value on an X and Y axis, I’d Google X and Y axis and then ask someone else to do it. If we were to just use words rather than charts, I think the best of Trumbo is in the rearview mirror and is closer than it appears. This does not mean I think the bottom will totally fall out. He’s probably a 2nd half 14 homer, .250 hitter. Still solid, Willingham-ish. Just not what he was. So I’d look to get value for him, but I wouldn’t trade him for a pair of Cassette Glasses. (BTW, Cassette Glasses are my latest money-making scheme. Take an old cassette tape and put wire on the sides and fashion them into a pair of sunglasses. It’s gonna be all the rage!)