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As always, probable pitchers are subject to change.  For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click this link.

When did pitchers become such complete morons?

Michael Pineda’s pine tar party is way old news now, but let’s just go back and revisit what was truly dumb about it: It’s not that he tried to use pine tar, it’s that he tried to hide it on his neck!

Last week’s dummy was Matt Cain. Apparently, he read some of the scouting reports that said his 2013 was a tale of two-halves, which might have given him the idea to make a sandwich in the Giants’ clubhouse before the team’s game last Tuesday against the Padres. Whoops! Cain sliced his index finger instead of a tomato, or whatever, and had to be scratched. It’s not dumb that Cain wanted to have a sandwich on game day. It’s idiotic that he had to make one himself. Don’t they bring in catering before the game? Why are they making their own sandwiches? Aren’t these guys pampered millionaires?

There is an actual fantasy point here. What made Cain’s first half of 2013 so rough is that he was giving up dongs despite his ability to keep the ball in the yard throughout his career. This year he’s yielded five homers, which is up among the league leaders, but not horrid. The sandwich debacle hurts because Cain needed to bounce back strong after a poop-fest in Colorado that followed two quality starts in losses.

The good news is he has two starts in pitcher friendly parks this week (PNC Park and Dodger Stadium). The bad news is that damn cut kept opening up last week when Cain tried to throw. What if it flies open in Pittsburgh and someone mistakes the blood for ketchup and slathers it on their Primanti Bros. sandwich?

Dumber things have happened. Like, say, messing around with a knife before you start a major league game …

… and some of these two-start pitcher rankings. Enjoy!

Must Start

Max Scherzer (HOU, MIN), Clayton Kershaw (@WAS, SF), Zack Greinke (@WAS, SF)

KFC’s Double Down is back. Clayton Kershaw is back. Coincidence? I think not. When I see Kershaw’s name back atop the Dodgers’ rotation next to Greinke and his 5-0 record, my mouth starts watering. It’s like I’m literally looking at the Double Down’s “bread” – two boneless fried chicken breasts – and I wanna grab the bacon, Monterey Jack cheese and Col. Sanders’ “special sauce” that goes in the middle of this $5 heart attack. While it’s looking like a lock that Kershaw will start Tuesday in Washington, the return of another ace, Chris Sale, is still way up in the air. If he’s back, his match-ups alone make him a must-start, but if not, we’ll probably see one of the Sox crappy starters.

First Tier

Yordano Ventura (@SD, @SEA), Jeff Samardzija (CWS, @ATL), Tim Hudson (@PIT, @LAD), Nate Eovaldi (NYM, @SD)

Yordano has had a few brilliant performances, but then there are the other games, like last week’s awkward start against the Blue Jays, where he did his best Scarface impression and fired off all of his bullets too soon. He’s in the First Tier a) Because he’s Yordano and b) I love those matchups/parks. Hudson has been sneaky tight, and he gets the same favorable parks as Cain this week.

Second Tier

Mark Buehrle (@PHI, LAA), Shelby Miller (@ATL, @PIT), Martin Perez (@COL, BOS), Aaron Harang (STL, CHC), Scott Kazmir (SEA, WAS), Roenis Elias (@OAK, KC), Jon Niese (@MIA, PHI), Homer Bailey (@BOS, COL), Drew Hutchison (@PHI, LAA), Chris Tillman (@TB, HOU), Matt Cain (@PIT, @LAD), Robbie Ray (HOU, MIN), Jordan Lyles (TEX, @CIN), Jered Weaver (NYY, @TOR), Henderson Alvarez (NYM, @SD), Matt Garza (ARZ, NYY), Kyle Kendrick (TOR, @NYM), Jeremy Guthrie (@SD, @SEA)

Some writers have just about every pitcher in the league slated for Regression. He’s good now, some sabermetric thingy says he’s going to eventually suck, so Regression is imminent. That’s what they’re saying about Buehrle, who has nowhere to go but a 4.00 ERA and a .500 record, apparently. But Buehrle became one of only a handful of starters with five wins after his big bounce back effort on Thursday against the Royals, which was much-needed after his April 25 bashing at the hands of Boston. Some Yahoo guy did a cool story on how Buehrle is really in a groove with his rhythm and pacing. Sounds like Progression is on tap, not Regression! Also: If the Tribe finally bring up Trevor Bauer and he gets two starts, he’d go somewhere in the middle of this tier, maybe higher.

Third Tier

Chris Archer (BAL, CLE), Robbie Ross (@COL, BOS), Robbie Erlin (KC, MIA), David Phelps (@LAA, @MIL), Eric Stults (KC, MIA), Chris Young (@OAK, KC), Jarred Cosart (@DET, @BAL), Kyle Gibson (@CLE, @DET), Juan Nicasio (TEX, @CIN), Edwin Jackson (CWS, @ATL), Jose Quintana (@CHC, ARZ), Zach McAllister (MIN, @TB), Mike Bolsinger (@MIL, @CWS)

The Padres here, Erlin and Stults, each have two starts in Petco this week, but don’t let that get you too excited. Both have the ability to get absolutely destroyed out there, and the Marlins have been ripping lately. And how far did they move those fences in again? Also: Don’t screw up and start Robbie Ross instead of Robbie Ray. Big difference, me thinks.

Don’t start

Brett Oberholtzer (@DET, @BAL), Mike Pelfrey (@CLE, @DET)

It seems like Pelfrey gets two starts every week. Yo Ron Gardenhire, you can skip dudes in the rotation. Unless you thoroughly enjoy watching that gangly goof Pelfrey. If so, then by all means, carry on. Speaking of which, it’s looking like the Phils will skip Roberto Hernandez, who would have pitched at home against Toronto and in New York against the Mets. Even an idiot like Ryne Sandberg knows when to sit a garbage pitcher every once in a while.

From Around The Web

  1. Picard56 says:
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    Who is in that Avatar? Has the feeling of a campy 1980’s character from a surfing movie.

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @Picard56: Mike from “The Room.” A must-see!

      • Picard56 says:
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        @Pete Nice:

        HAHA! Saw a clip on youtube. Chocolate!!!

  2. Hawks Fan says:
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    Are you scared shizzless like I am about Perez’s start @Col? Then vs Bos too? I think I’m going to start Mike Minor vs STL or Willly Peralta vs ARZ instead…

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @Hawks Fan: Yea he could be lower but he’s earned at least second tier status. for now.

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @Hawks Fan: and yep either of those two starts are fine. I like Minor better.

  3. The Muppet Maniac says:
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    Someone just dropped Archer. Do you think he can turn things around? I’d drop Pineda for him. I was going to hold on Pineda and put him in my DL spot when he is eligible.

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @The Muppet Maniac: I wouldn’t. Archer really pisses me off and I don’t even own him anywhere. SO inconsistent.

  4. The Muppet Maniac says:
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    The Indians are calling up Tomlin over Bauer. Why? Why? Why??

    • O'Skimpy says:
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      @The Muppet Maniac: Bauer’s service time clock flips on May 11. No way injuns bring him up until then.

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @The Muppet Maniac: he better be good after all this haha

  5. Eddy says:
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    Shout out to Yahoo! for not having Robbie Ray in the pool.

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @Eddy: that’s odd they usually do a solid job with that.

  6. malamoney

    malamoney says:
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    Who wins in a H2H points league.

    Adam Jones and Shelby Miller for Jay Bruce and Strasburg

    • Bi-Felicia says:
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      @malamoney: yea id do that in a heart beat

      • malamoney

        malamoney says:
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        @Bi-Felicia: which side?

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @malamoney: I’d take the Bruce/Stras side but know going in that Strasburg is a risk. it’s worth it but it is a little bit of a gamble in my opinion.

  7. pistole pete says:
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    Would you sit Bumgarner for two starts from Bailey?

    Rotation for week 6:
    Shields
    Gray
    Eovaldi
    Perez
    Bailey

    • Bi-Felicia says:
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      @pistole pete: Sit Mad Bum for 2 starts? Why….

      • pistole pete says:
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        @Bi-Felicia:

        sit mad bum for starts FROM bailey :)

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @pistole pete: not with the two starts Bailey has this week.

  8. Matt P says:
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    Duuuude 16 team dynasty points league, I can’t choose my 3rd and 4th OF, I’m pretty content with Bonifacio and Ozuna but they’re both in such crappy line ups I’m afraid they’re going to suck it up sooner or later.

    Markakis is out there, would you pick him up for either of those? I’m tempted to hold onto Ozuna since it’s a dynasty and he could develop into a nice player but Bonifacio is pretty steady at usually 1-5 point per game… Thanks!

    • Bi-Felicia says:
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      @Matt P: nope, Id hold what you have. Markakis isn’t worth crap in my opinion.

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @Matt P: @Bi-Felicia: Agree I like those two guys, and don’t like Markaka at all.

  9. Steve says:
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    Great stuff.

    Keeper league question. Who has more long term value Sale or Teheran? I’m thinking of making a play to accuire one of them but torn between who I like. I have an irrational fetish to own Braves pitchers so I wonder if that is biasing my value of Julio.

    Thanks!

    • Bi-Felicia says:
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      @Steve: What’s the rules on keepers? Is it cash value, etc? That would make a difference. If you can keep Juilo for less money, more years, then id definitely try acquiring him. Sale is too expensive imo

      • Steve says:
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        @Bi-Felicia:

        Thanks. The rules are basically limited to number of players carried over (12 from a 22 player squad). Position, dollar value, etc doesnt matter. Either of them would be definite keepers barring a 2015 scraping injury or something. Even then, they might still be keepers (deep 16 team league).

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @Steve: @Bi-Felicia: yup Julio. it’s always something with Sale.

      • Bi-Felicia says:
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        @malamoney: @Matt P: nope, Id hold what you have. Markakis isn’t worth crap in my opinion.@Pete Nice: I agree, Juilo

  10. DonSlaughtOnslaught says:
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    Only a monster would put ketchup on a Primanti’s. Tabasco/Frank’s RedHot or as is.

  11. Battle of the Sleepers says:
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    Would you drop Martin Perez for Eovaldi? My other drop options are Ian Kennedy or McHugh, but I love both them lately, and McHugh has SEA next…

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @Battle of the Sleepers: I’d chuck McHugh before Perez. I’m not 100 percent sold on McHugh just yet, plus he pitches for the Stros. if you’re hellbent on axing Perez I’d at least give him another start.

      • Battle of the Sleepers says:
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        @Pete Nice: After Kennedy’s start tonight, decided to drop him for Eovaldi and spare Perez and McHugh at least through SEA. But porcello and/or Smyly might replace Perez or McHugh soon. :)

          • goodfold2 says:
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            @Bi-Felicia: so kennedy WAS owned, but not porcello/eovaldi/smyly? i think you saw the rankings backwards, or went off espn’s or something. Or worse, autodrafted that team.

      • Bi-Felicia says:
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        @Pete Nice: finally someone who’s with me on this Irish Fluke. He’ll be back in the minors by July. Lol

  12. Andrew A says:
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    how would you order the back end of my pitching staff (these are guys 7-11) and the free agent Bauer

    Eovaldi
    Masterson
    Porcello
    Haren
    Ross

    Bauer

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @Andrew A: Eovaldi, Haren, Masterson, Porcello, Ross. Bauer would be before Porcello.

  13. Paz says:
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    I though McHugh was supposed to pitch against the Mariners today? did his start get pushed to Monday?

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @Paz: tomorrow

  14. T says:
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    Would you trade machado for Teheran? I could use some sp and have arenado at 3b

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @T: pains me to say this based on my love for Manny but I’d do that.

  15. ryan says:
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    Teixeira seems to be heating up a lot. Would you take him over Belt?

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @ryan: are you dropping or trading? definitely not the former and if the latter feels like it’s too soon to do a one for one. I feel like you could swap those two in a larger trade and I’d be ok with that.

    • Bi-Felicia says:
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      @ryan: hold Texaria hasn’t proved he can stay healthy in 2 years. That’s my opinion

  16. Joel says:
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    Re Cain: I believe it is even dumber than that. He dropped the knife and tried to catch it mid air before it hit the floor. Apparently teammate Jeremy Affeldt did the same thing a year or two ago and Cain gave him shit for it. So, how in the holy hell are players allowed to get paid when injured during such stupid circumstances.

    Also, isn’t that what all the support staff are for? Teams have these innings caps, etc. to protect their investments but still fall short from protecting players from themselves. Ha!

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @Joel: yea I saw that. I mean we’re all human and do dumb things but I think back to “Bull Durham” and all of Crash’s superstitions about pitchers. isn’t that required viewing for major leaguers or something?

  17. Rubik's Pube says:
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    Bailey with 2 starts or Strasburg with 1?

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @Rubik’s Pube: depends on your volume to quality ratio. if you have a few guys with two starts and feel good about your counting stats go with Strasburg. If you have a lot of one start guys then Bailey.

      • Rubik's Pube says:
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        @Pete Nice: thanks Pete, you guys do a kick ass job, keep it up

  18. Hebrew Hammer says:
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    Jordan Zimmermann?

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @Hebrew Hammer: yep rotation lined up for Jordan Zimmermann to get two starts this week. Also Cole Hamels.

      • ty says:
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        @Pete Nice:
        now cbs showing zimmerman with one start..is this right?

        • Pete Nice

          Pete Nice says:
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          @ty: @Hebrew Hammer: He’s starting tomorrow, that’s for sure. From what I can tell he’s a two-starter. Maybe Matt Williams hates fantasy and wants to jerk us around.

  19. chris says:
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    Do you like Deduno this week?

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @chris: Not really.

  20. Lemmingness says:
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    What do you think about Fister’s start @ A’s on Friday? He’s not listed on SoN yet, but would you start him over Gallardo vs NYY, $3.8 on SoN?

  21. Todd says:
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    How do you feel about Tillman, do you think he is really a #1 or is he that simply bc Baltimore lacks other options. Could he turn into a fantasy ace? I know 26 is a great age for a breakout. Who would you rather have him or cingrani?

    • Pete Nice

      Pete Nice says:
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      @Todd: i dig Tillman. he won 16 games last year. he’s their number one but I wouldn’t necessarily say that makes him ace-ish. I like Cingrani too. Feels like Tillman is the tortoise and Cing is the hare. btw we’re on the Week 7 man!

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