Some players do something so wonderfully fantastic in one game that they force themselves into the lede. Some players do something so terrifically awful that they find themselves in the lede. Other players take on a slow burn of a Neil LaBute movie. They’re just guys hanging out in an office; they’re just messing with a deaf girl, the deaf girl is falling in love and Brandon Moss is killing it like T.J. Lavin would say! Damn, Brandon Moss, you wanna touch my butter so I can dip my lobster in it? I mean, gee-dee-eff-why-zee Brandon Moss’s on fire. (Gee-dee-eff-why-zee is my new exclamation for wonderful, feel free to use it often.) He now has seven homers in the last ten games and yesterday he even threw in a steal because Brandon Moss DON’T TAKE NO MESS THOUGH I DON’T LOVE THAT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAY HIS WHOLE NAME EVERY TIME RATHER THAN JUST BRANDON OR MOSS; I ALSO DON’T NEED TO BE SCREAMING THIS, PROBABLY! Brandon Moss makes me so crazy I can’t even capitalize properly. All along I’ve been saying you need to platoon Brandon Moss, and you do, but he’s also making it worthwhile that you should absolutely be doing just that with him in every league. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 5 ER. The good news is that homeless man that I talked to yesterday that was really just the owner of Fister, Kuroda, Wainwright and F-Her has come to his senses and I’m nursing him back to health. The bad news is he also owns Scherzer and is now holding a stapler to my dog’s head.
Prince Fielder – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 21st homer. The homer came off Jerry Blevins as The Beaver. Fielder said, “I had no father figure and resent The Beav and Ward’s relationship. Take that, Blevins!”
Miguel Cabrera – Left yesterday’s game with some awkwardness in his abdominal, but when asked if he’d play Friday, he said, “Cleveland, bro.” I have no idea what that means, but the Tigers beat writer seems to think it means he’ll be in there today. What if he said Oakland, bro? Would that mean he’s headed to see a doctor? What if he said Minneapolis, bro? Would that mean order him a number three from the Chinese place? Does everyone have a Miggy Ovaltine decoder ring but me? I got questions, y’all!
Victor Martinez – 3-for-5, 1 RBI, average up to .297. Since he was hitting as poorly as .225 on June 28th, Victor’s turned around his season faster than you can say, “Your potpourri smells like patchouli, hippie boy.”
Grant Balfour – 2/3 IP, 4 ER. It was only his second blown save this year, so I wouldn’t read into it this more than it is. The fine print simply states, “I, Grant Balfour, hate my H2H fantasy owners so I wanted to screw them in a time of need.”
Jed Lowrie – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. So, like I was saying, Lowrie can still hit homers. *giggles like an embarrassed Lisa Simpson* Nah, what I said on Thursday still holds, Lowrie’s peripherals look different than previous years, but even a Grey clock is wrong twice a day.
Bartolo Colon – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K in his first start back from the DL. His ERA is now at 2.94 on the year. Put down the stapler, Verlander owners!
Matt den Dekker – o-for-5, 1 run and a steal and will now see reps in the Mets’ outfield since Byrd is gone. I wonder if den Dekker feels ownership when he drives to the game through the Holland Tunnel. Dekker is an original rude boy prospect who has shown great power and speed. In Double and Triple-A last year, he had 17 homers and 21 steals with a .274 average. This year, he showed more of the same for speed, but the power isn’t following along quite as nicely. He’s a must grab in NL-Only leagues for his speed/power combo, but I’d take a wait and see approach in mixed leagues. Am I getting excited about a Mets hitting prospect? Sure, what the heckker!
Anthony Recker – 1-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Now the Mets lineup has a den Dekker, a Recker and inspires me to laugh like Woody Woodpecker.
Daniel Murphy – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 18th steal. I wouldn’t be Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario, if I let Murphy have a good day without finding a negative to talk about with him. Murphy’s had a solid season at 10 homers and 18 steals, but this year is him punching a hole in his ceiling, standing on the roof, grabbing a passing hot air balloon and shooting up another 500 feet.
Carlos Torres – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Carlos Danger has been terrific so far this year (2.77 ERA, 1.07 WHIP). The catch: he’s 39 years old (he’s a Latin 30), and he has a long track record of being below-average, so I’d avoid him outside of certain home match-ups.
Gonzalez Germen – The Mets said Germen could see some save chances in September to prepare him for the 7th and 8th innings next year. This is the baseball equivalent to Chris Elliot’s theory about flogging the dolphin before a big date. If you’re desperate for saves, I could see grabbing Germen, but he hasn’t been great recently and I’m not going there yet.
Cody Asche – Sat out yesterday with a mild hamstring strain. Oh, no, the Phillies old man genes are contagious! Clear the clubhouse and disinfect with the semen of a young bull. It’s the only cure!
Jason Vargas – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Rays, a team that seems to be the 1927 Yankees on some days and the 1927 Padres on other days.
Ernesto Frieri – 1 IP, 0 ER and got his 2nd save since he was ‘removed’ from the closer job. The Sciosciapath could still go to De La Rosa who is ‘sharing’ the job, but Frieri ‘looks’ to be the ‘closer.’ Zagat’s also added, Frieri is a place ‘locals love.’
Justin Upton – Left the game after being hit on the hand by a pitch. His x-rays came back clean, which is a good thing or the anal retentive x-ray technician is going heavy on the Windex again.
Brian McCann – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. He’s batting .276 on the year and if he didn’t miss the first month of the season, he’d easily be in the conversation for best catcher on the year. That conversation would be happening in the corner of the cafeteria and occasionally that conversation would be interrupted by a jock yelling ‘incoming’ and throwing a meatball at the participants of that conversation.
Kris Medlen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.58. This offseason we really gotta get Medlen to mate. It’s scary every time the last known Flat-Billed Pitchypus in existence takes the mound.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. Now has back-to-back 10 K games and 28 Ks in the last 18 2/3, which is a delicious pork roll and cheese if you’re chasing Ks. He gets the O’s next, which the Stream-o-Nator is lukewarm on, but if you need the Ks, I could see the risk.
Gerrit Cole – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. I’m getting a lot more jazzed about owning Wheeler next year than Cole, though Cole looks like he’ll be safer (safer? Feh!). I do think both can be worthwhile in most mixed leagues. What even got me looking at 2014 is I have to keep setting my clock ahead a day to get more lives for Candy Crush Saga and now my iPhone thinks I’m in February. Finally, Cole is probably going to get shut down after another start or two. See, when I said finally, I meant it.
Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Someone brought it to my attention yesterday that Gallardo’s matchups get ugly in September (Reds, Braves, Cardinals twice). At this stage of the year, your starters are really only as good as their next handful of starts. No one is untouchable, and anyone can get got.
Scooter Gennett – 3-for-4, 1 run. He was the lede in last week’s Buy; he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy; what is everyone waiting for? Your guess = my pants. Damn, I don’t even know how I got that equation wrong. There’s no math!
Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer and 4th homer in the last ten games. Too bad Vincent Price is dead, he could recite the Zombino definition for us, assuming he was so hard up for money he started doing things that weren’t even for money, per se, but the hope of money one day.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer. In this game, Jayson Werth (3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 21st homer and Bryce Harper (2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 19th. Sure, Ryan Zimmerman (3-for-3, 2 runs) is the dog’s breakfast and Adam LaRoche (0-for-3) is the dog’s breakfast after a laxative, but it’s surprising how bad the Nats offense is. For runs, they’re not just bad, they’re Padres and Mets bad.
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 ks vs. the MIA Marlins. That’s the start the umpires owe everyone’s fantasy team who owns Strasburg.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. This was just a spot start, so continue to move your eyes down the page. That’s up. Oh, forget it.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4 and his 50th steal. He ended up starting even though the night before he hit a foul ball off his foot. Was he sitting Indian-style? Excuse me, Native American-style.
Shane Victorino – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer, and his fifth homer in the last ten days. The Flying Hawaiian is mashing, poi!
Chris Tillman – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Red Sox. That last second decision to bench/start him worked out poorly/great. Ling Ling, you’re not just transcribing what I’m saying, right? I need you to choose one. C’mon, Ling Ling, you’re my favorite monkey, that’s why you have the new typewriter. Tillman’s next start vs. the Indians is much easier/harder. Ling Ling! Just easier!
Jim Johnson – Got the save. See nine inches above under Frieri, Ernesto. Okay, maybe it’s more like six inches. *blushes*
Erasmo Ramirez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Asstros. Not sure where the Erasmo is that was burning Billy Butler’s bras and making prank calls to Domino’s last year that had me all giggly, but I bet once January Grey is bailed out of Ecuadorian prison, he’s gonna like Erasmo.
Franklin Gutierrez – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and now has two homers in the last two games. Not much to go on yet, but could be the start of a little hot schmotato action for The Big FraGu.
Brian Dozier – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer. About two days ago, my 2nd baseman was hurt by J.A. Happ. Sometimes, I stay up at night and think about my injured 2nd baseman. How I may never find someone like that again. Fortunately, he’s supposed to return today, so I don’t need to contemplate Dozier too long. Signed, Sleepless in Minnesota.
Bruce Chen – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.79. I have a sinking feeling that his next start vs. the Mariners is a booby trap like Data would say in The Goonies.
Jarrod Dyson – 0-for-3 with yet another steal. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you don’t have to wait for that if you need steals. Right now, Dyson is making a good case for putting a face to SAGNOF.
Justin Maxwell – 1-for-3, 1 run. He was also hit by a pitch that some thought was intentional, but, when arguing it wasn’t intentional, Gardenhire was ejected from the game. That’s no way to treat the most successful Mexican manager of all-time.