Took a few years, but the Twins found out that youth is wasted on the Young as they sang, “May You Stay (Away) Forever, Young.” Yesterday, the Detroit Tigers became the first club to acquire both Meat Hooks. A distinction that I’m not sure other clubs wanted. It’s not like we can look at his stats this year and say Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome was stifling him either. Delmon Young had 3 homers in away games this year in 157 ABs. That’s pathetic. That’s the same number of away homers as Carlos Ruiz. That’s the same number of homers Pence hit in the last ten games. Sure, Young had a good 2010, but that was preceded by three miserable years. Yet, he a fresh start, and he seems like the type that will be happy in new surroundings, until the novelty wears off. (See, he needs to find happiness within, but we’ll leave that to Deepak Chopra.) To show his happiness, he hit a homer yesterday, creaming the ball in his first at-bat after getting squeezed out of Twinkie town. To boil this down into something that could fit on a fortune cookie, I’d pick up Delmon to see if his newfound happiness can last a month-plus. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brennan Boesch – I was gonna tell ya’ll that Boesch’s playing time wouldn’t be hurt by the acquisition of Delmon, but then Boesch went and hurt his thumb and will miss a few games. I think when he returns he’ll be back in the lineup with Magglio Ordonez moving to a backup role. Though Leyland is so old school that he doesn’t even change his lineup — “Hey, Boesch is usually our three hitter and he’s out, so let’s put Delmon right in there” — so I wouldn’t count on Cancer Man sitting the vet. In other words, it’s all up in the air with a capital Clooney.
Ryan Raburn – 1-for-5 with his 11th home run. With Guillen doing what Guillen does best (toasting Pop Tarts while injured — I’m guessing this is what most ballplayers do while injured, don’t know for sure), Raburn should see most of the starts at 2nd base. If he rattled off one good month, it would surprise me less than his five bad months.
Brian Wilson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER after giving himself the green light to pitch. Sorta like the exec who gave Ishtar the green light. Hey, old timey reference, good to see you! Romo’s out for real with an elbow something-or-other, so if you’re desperate for vulture saves I’d grab Ram-Ram or Affeldt. Those aren’t ringing endorsements.
Pablo Sandoval – Left the game after a foul off his foot. His teammates said this wasn’t the first time someone had to leave somewhere because of a foul coming off Pablo’s foot.
Nate Schierholtz - The man whose last name is German for pantyhose has gone deep in back-to-back games. When he gets hot (for about a week or so), he gets hot.
Jim Thome – Hit his 600th home run yesterday. Someone who hasn’t followed baseball since 1995 is really impressed.
Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 5 ER and the conshellation win as if he’s gotten so many other types of wins this year. When I read the box score and it says “F Liriano,” I agree.
Ben Revere – 2-for-5 with his 21st steal. With Young being traded, Revere should see everyday time. If you need steals, SAGNOF!
Dan Uggla – 1-for-4 as he started a one game hit streak. Adam Dunn, “Pfft! I’ve had like 12 of those this year!”
Jose Constanza – 3-for-3, I can’t say I truly understand the Constanza, but he has 5 steals in the last ten games, he’s starting every day and hitting.
Eric Thames – Now has 3 homers in 4 games. He’s decorating box scores better than Kelly on Design Star. What, my ex-girlfriend programmed it into my Tivo last year and I figured since it was recorded I’d watch it. Stop judging me.
Brett Lawrie – Hit his third home run in his 10th game. I feel like he’s trying to encroach on my Desmond Jennings rookie nookie love. Which is kinda hot. Fight for my love!
Adam Lind – Hit his 2nd homer in 3 games as he remembers why I have him on my freakin’ teams.
Mike Carp – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs with 2 homers. Love that he hit 2 homers; lurve that he hit them in Safeco.
Lucas Duda – 3-for-4 as he hit his second homer in as many games. You say hot schmotato, I say hot schmotahto.
Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 3 ER with his 5th blown save. He also took a grounder off his pitching hand, which could cause him to miss some time. On top of that, Mujica’s injured and Mike Dunn didn’t compliment Hanley on his wash bucket drum solo, so Steve Cishek could see some saves over the next few days.
Mike Stanton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. He’s on pace for 34 homers and 90 RBIs at the age of 21. Boing!
Ryan Doumit – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th home run. Better yet, he’s healthy! Though that might not be true by the time you read this.
Jesus Montero – Jon Heyman suspects the Yankees won’t recall their prospect until September. Heyman was also who suspected Montero would be called up by now. I think I’d like to play Heyman in Clue.
Carlos Zambrano – Supposedly, Sammy Sosa texted Big Z some words of support. He told him to pretend he doesn’t speak English and say, “Baseball has been berry berry good to me.”
Ryan Braun - 2-for-4 with the slam & legs. Now has 23 homers and 23 steals. He’s like Lady Justice balancing his power and speed.
Andre Ethier – 0-for-3, hitting .297 with ten homers and zero steals on the year. Be fun to see where this schmohawk gets drafted next year. I’m guessing still higher than he deserves.
Brandon Allen – 3-for-4 and 6 for his last 10. Conor Jackson who?! The yawnstipating 1st baseman the A’s usually play. I know, Random Italicalized Voice, it’s a figure of speech. ‘Conor Jackson who’ is a figure of speech? Forget it.
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. I’ll keep this short and not that sweet. When he’s in O.co (seriously, dubya tee eff with that stadium name?) giving up four runs to the O’s, things are not okay. He can’t be started anywhere now.
Nelson Cruz – Hit his 26th homer then left with cramps. Has been almost 28 days since his last injury.
Cole Hamels – Underwent a “precautionary MRI.” The Phils are “optimistic” it’s “nothing” but Hamels still “may miss” his next start. The preceding was brought to you by Zagat.