Right now on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater the top outfielders are Hamilton, Kemp, Beltran, CarGo, Braun, Bruce, Jones, Grandy and then Bryan LaHair. Now, I’m not saying LaHair doesn’t belong in that company– No, that’s exactly what I’m saying. For 1st basemen, he’s currently above Prince Fielder, Votto and Miggy. I know, you think of yourself as a brilliant NASA-level scientist who has been working on a pencil made of Doritos crumbs. Your Dorito pencil will come to fruition; the sour cream and chive eraser is a great addition, but you didn’t plan on LaHair doing anywhere near this good. If you own LaHair, you stepped in LaCrap. Right now, a guy who people weren’t sure could make it in the major leagues is hitting .384 with 8 homers in 28 games. The power isn’t totally bonkers. He’s on pace for around 40 homers. 25 homers seems doable, maybe even 30. The batting average is Jimmy Stewart’s rabbit, Harvey. It’s Keyser Söze. It’s your imaginary friend that you agreed to marry if you get to 40 years old and you’re both still single. Right now, he has a .510 BABIP. The only way he sustains that is if LaHair has some Zapped telekinesis power. He wouldn’t even be able to sustain it if he hired Willie Aames to run on the field to distract the fielders. (Willie charges $15/hour for this service if you want him for your softball games.) His current K-rate (29.1) would have been third worst last year (or third best if you’re a masochist). Right behind, Mark Reynolds and Drew Stubbs, two guys that are lucky to hit .240. So if LaHair’s average drops 100+ points, at some point during that slide the Cubs are going to promote Rizzo and then LaHair’s really going to be in trouble. I’m not saying sell him for a Jägermeister Jell-o shot, but I’d look at offers. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Casey Janssen – Let’s get all of the SAGNOF’ers out of the way up front, shall we? No reason to say we shall. I can’t hear you. You’re reading.
Addison Reed – Imagine getting behind Robin Ventura on a buffet line. I think I’ll try the Matt Thornton, Reed, Sale, Santiago with a side of the Reed, Thornton, Sale, Santiago with a little extra Sale, Santiago– Just get the meatloaf and move on! At least Ozzie had Joey Cora to carry his tray. And massage his shoulders. And manicure his cuticles.
Rafael Soriano – Robertson blows two more saves in the next five days and he’s lost the job or he settles in for the week and he’s the closer for the rest of the season. It all hinges on this week, over-the-Internet friend!
Dale Thayer – The ex-Ray and Met farmhand as well as the star of the gay porn ‘Brian’s Thong’ is the latest bullpen project for the Padres with 2 saves in the absence of Huston Street. Figure it’s his until he blows it or gets injured – which is the norm these days.
Steve Cishek – Edward Mujica, Ryan Webb, Heath Bell… You could have a team of all Marlins relievers. You’d be dead last in your league, unless you played in the NL East, then you’d still have the Phillies below you. Snap in the Wiz wit formation!
James McDonald – Old McDonald had a great K-rate e-i-e-i-e-i-oh. Now relatively new McDonald’s K-rate is e-i-e-i-e-i-okay. Old McDonald had a terrible walk rate e-i-e-i-e-i-oh-no. Now relatively new McDonald’s walk rate is e-i-e-i-e-i-okay. Six of one; half dozen of another. Or e-i-e-i; e-i-oh.
Carlos Zambrano – You know how they take signed celebrity pictures and put them up in restaurants? Why do I feel like in less than 6 weeks of the season there’s a picture of Big Z in every Cuban restaurant in Miami? Signed Big Z, “Please consider adding a Cuban Sandwich with a Tres Leches cake in the middle.”
Christian Friedrich – I went over him the other day. It went something like this, “Blah blah blah, good K/BB, blah blah blah, NL-Only, blah blah blah, next start against the Giants.” And that’s me blah’ing me!
Brad Peacock – Google Brad Peacock and it returns the question, “Did you mean naked pictures of Grey talking about his favorite young pitcher?” The A’s are rolling out guys right now that are blehtastic, and when Peacock gets called up, I’m gonna like him better than any other A’s starter, except McCarthy. Yeah, even that damn Milone, sorry Diane. Peacock is no streamer, even if it might sound that way.
Chris Johnson – Sticking with our newly established theme of commands an old man screams at the urinal when he’s trying to go to the bathroom, Chris Johnson has 4 homers in the last 10 days and his counting stats ain’t too shabby for an Astro. Ruh roh!
Ike Davis – One of the first Sell’s of the year featured Ike Davis with a request for you to drop him. Okay, now it’s time to pick him up. There’s no flimflammery flip-flopping on fantasy first basemen (say that fast 117 times!), Davis was hideous, and now he no longer is.
Kyle Seager – Member back in March what you wanted from Dustin Ackley prior to your hopes and dreams being squashed? Yeah, Kyle Seager’s doing that…Against the wind. (Also, there’s a Kyle Seager fantasy to feast your eyes on. I didn’t write it, but, if I had, I would’ve said the same thing, except switched out all the didn’t’s to dinnit’s.)
Johnny Giavotella – Will share time at 2nd base and could run like crazy, and by ‘crazy’ I mean not always successfully. Fist pump!
Andres Torres – For all of you Where’s Allen Craig At Commenters, he didn’t make the cut off of less than 50% owned as of yesterday at midnight. At 11:59 PM, a few diehard Where’s Allen Craig At Commenters enlisted Anonymous’ help to hack into ESPN and push his ownership numbers to 49%, but Anonymous was busy taking down Pujols. (They have a vendetta because he once said he liked the Interview with the Vampire movie better than the book.) But, alas, I’ll make an exception inside this Torres blurb. I’d pick up Allen. I’d also grab Torres. If you don’t know what Torres gives you, see Angel Pagan.
Andy Dirks – I just went over him this morning. If you close your extraneous porn windows and scroll down, you’ll see it.
J.P. Arencibia – He’s not going to hit for average and power all year, but he is now. Arencibia — that’s a one spicy catcher!
Alex Rios – Man, he’s like watching paint dry. Not even an exciting paint color like forest green or periwinkle. More like a beige. Can’t drop Rios in all leagues, but in some shallower ones there’s gotta be better options. Like Josh Reddick. He’s better at this point.
Chase Headley – First rule of fantasy baseball: Don’t draft a Padres hitter. Second rule of fantasy baseball: Don’t tell any chicks you do this if you ever want to get laid again.
Lance Lynn – I told you to buy him before the first week of the season and he’s gone 6-0/1.40/0.85/37 in 38 2/3 IP. I’d say we had a good run. I’m not saying drop him before the Liquid Paper is thrown all over his stats, but you have to know it’s coming. He has a 93.8% LOB and a .209 BABIP. Right now, every ground ball down the line is hitting a base and bouncing to a fielder and he’s escaped more jams than a deaf kid at Jazz Fest. I wouldn’t sell him for an all-expenses paid spa day in Tijuana, but I’d explore options.