About a month ago, Troy Tulowitzki had surgery to have scar tissue removed from his groin. Tulo now sings, “Scar tissue that I wish you saw, because I’m kinky.” Yesterday, the Rockies announced nothing, but people familiar with Tulo’s groin — hey now! — have said he probably won’t return this year. “It looks like an Asian person’s garbage can after a cat picked through it with kumquats and a baby corn.” That’s Tulo’s groin doctor. He was only supposed to be out for two months, but he hasn’t started any baseball activity, which is a bad sign, since, you know, you want him to play baseball. Yo, yo, yo, what’s the best case scenario? He returns in the last few weeks of the season, but the Rockies will probably just opt to shut him down since they’re out of it. Look at it this way, if Tulo’s going to re-injure himself, you want to save it until next April after someone else has already drafted him. Schadenfreude! If you drafted Tulo, you had to expect something like this. If you finish a fortune cookie’s fortune with “in bed,” then, after you draft Tulo, you say, “if he doesn’t get hurt I’ll win the league.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
John Axford – Since he was demoted from the closer role, he’s looked decent. Since Dor-K was promoted, he’s looked like cheese found under a 600-pound man who hasn’t left his bed in 17 years. “The good news is we found a piece of cheese on your ass; the bad news is we’re gonna need to make the hole in the wall bigger if we want to take you to the water park.” That’s the man’s best friend as the large man sits in a crane. BTW, you can totally see that being a Farrelly Brothers movie. The Brewers said yesterday that they would go to a closer committee. “Hear ye, hear ye, first order of business for this committee is to find someone who doesn’t suck. All those in favor, say aye. Okay, everyone’s for it, except Dor-K.” So, with this news, I’d go with Axford and lose Francisco. The Brewers, in a move that screams of desperation, did say they may also turn to Livan. Nothing says closer stuff like a 78 MPH fastball. Oy.
Jonathan Lucroy – 1-for-3 as the guy who sounds like a Elmore Leonard character returned from the DL.
Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 7 ER. Why does it hurt when I sit down? Oh, man, too much YoGa.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and a pinch hit homer. Geez, him and Valdespin should just go start their own team.
Davis Freese – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs when he left yesterday’s game with cramping in his calf. Guy just can’t stay healthy — boo! Or to stick with the calf theme — moo!
Jake Westbrook – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks and the win. The Stream-o-nator strikes again!
Nick Swisher – Hasn’t played since last Friday and the Yankees said he won’t return this Friday. Swisher doesn’t roll on Shabbos.
Hanley Ramirez – 3-for-6 with a steal since being a Dodger and they’re 0-2. So weird, I thought he’d bring a winning attitude everywhere he played. He played 3rd base again yesterday, but frequent commenter, Chillmodious, said Tim Wallach, Dodgers 3rd base coach, said, “Hanley will definitely be playing shortstop and he thinks it will take about 5 games to get him there. The team didn’t want to thrust him back to a position he hasn’t played in over a year while he’s still learning the signs, etc. and getting acclimated with the club.” Adding, “Dodgers would prefer him at 3rd.” Then Dee Gordon said, “Wha’ happened?” Then Dee Wallace said, “Drew Bitchymore can’t even follow me on Twitter?! I was the one who knocked an eight ball out of her eight-year-old hands.”
Chris Capuano – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 1 K. What’s that you’ve caught in that glass jar, Capuano? No, that’s not lightning bugs. Those are Regression Fairies!
Matt Harvey – 5 1/3 IP, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. Well, hello there. What’s your name? Harvey? I like it. Sounds like Steve Garvey; I once met him at a baseball card show. You come here often? No? How about you take off your shoes and tickle my ears with your toes? What, too weird? So, Matt Harvey finally made his debut and the Mets didn’t pull him for Jason Bay, Scott Hairston or any other schmohawks they can’t seem to give up on. Hey, Mets, Jason Bay returns and you can’t seem to win a game, coincidence? But this is about Harvey. In yesterday’s game, he looked in complete control even with some deep counts. When he needed to put guys away, he did. I think against better clubs, or if he walks a few in key spots, the results aren’t gonna be nearly as good. In Triple-A, he did have a near 4 walk rate. A 9+ K-rate makes a lot of that fade away. Eventually, he could fill into a number two fantasy starter. I like him a lot, and I would take a flyer on him in some mixed leagues to see if he can surprise hitters before the inevitable book is written on him and he needs to adapt or die.
Jason Vargas – 8 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, 3 Walks, 5 Ks vs. the Royals as he continues to unlock the wonders of Safeco. His ERA at home? Under 3. My name is Jason Vargas and I am the King of Marginers. Bow down and trim my toe cuticles, Peasant Royals!
Mike Carp – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. Ever since Smoak was sent down and Carp took over 1st base, I’ve been waiting to talk about Carp…and waiting…and waiting…and now he’s at home. Yesterday, he finally did something worth mentioning, but I really can’t stand Mariner hitters when they’re at home. Carp’s batting .172 with 4 homers. Granted, it’s in less than 100 ABs, but still. He’s someone to watch for when the Mariners go on the road, but for now I’d try to look elsewhere. You, Carp, are no Trout.
Josh Reddick – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 22nd homer. In a small world type way, Josh Johnson’s brother, Gosh, used to work with Reddick’s brother, Gosh, until the latter was no longer asked back to make more adult movies.
Tommy Milone – 7 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Not as painful as it could’ve been because we just traded him away in an AL-Only league for Jeter, who went 3-for-4 with a homer on Wednesday. Actually, it’s not painful at all for us!
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-3, 3 runs to raise his average to .288. You know what would be some kind of wonderful, Eric Stoltz? If Lawrie had more than 9 homers. What, you don’t listen to Dwayne Murphy? Dwayne Murphy just needs to move your hands 1/118th of an inch down and you’ll be hitting 40 homers a year.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer. He’s officially blown away any expectations I had for him, and making my Sell on him from 6 weeks ago look downright idiotic. Mea culpa, my Latin friends. I can’t promise you I won’t think he’s not overrated next year. That was a triple negative, by the by, which is totally fine.
Travis Snider – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, 1 run and he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. I hear it’s good, but the 100 monkeys who wrote it wouldn’t let me read it.
Chris Tillman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks to raise his ERA to 1.66. Whoa. He doesn’t seem like he has the Moves Like Arrieta. There was a Chris Tillman fantasy. I wrote it high on Red, White and Blue uppers from my July 4th celebration. That at least explains why I was singing Informer by Snow. And because it’s the best song ever by a white guy singing reggae. There’s no number two, though I’m hoping there’s a little white kid right now reading this that will grow up one day to embarrass himself. Either way, has much changed from that Tillman post? Nah, prematurely balding man, that’s why I linked to it. Dur. He is not a sub-2 ERA guy, but more like a 3.75 ERA guy with matchups appeal.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs with his 16th homer. This was, like, his first game with a hit in a week. Early in the year, his BABIP was sustaining his average and now he’s back to a giant turd you step in. BTW, wanna see an example of how men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Ask a woman if she’d prefer to step in dog crap or gum and they always say gum while men always say poop. I think because men usually have grooves in their shoes and women don’t. Oh, and don’t ask a girl you hope to one day date.
Austin Jackson – 3-for-4. Hard to complain about the year he’s having (but watch me try!). A .402 OBP and only 10 steals is just odd. He’s in the top ten in the majors on Bill James’s Speed Score and everyone near him has more steals. Still, I’m getting excited about his prospects for next year. That’s a wink-wink-nudge-nudge for youse in keepers.
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-4 and now has three games in a row with a homer. Pitchers facing him have been saying LaOuch. Oh, man, that’s LaRich.
Chris Johnson – 2-for-3 with a homer. He’s now hitting .400 over the last week. I’d tell you to pick him up, but he’s an Astro, who’d listen?
Wilton Lopez – Astros said F-Cord was unavailable last night. Probably because one of his fantasy owners has him gagged and bound in their cellar. Not like the Astros will have another save for a week or so anyway.
Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 5 ER. He was obviously switched at birth with Houston Keuchel.
Starling Marte – “First pitch he saw, he homered. Man, kids these days have no patience. In my day, we’d wait at least three pitches into a career before we homered. I would’ve beaned him for sure.” That’s an excerpt from a book by Cole Hamels. I’ve hit you with Starling Marte info and told you to grab him in leagues about two weeks ago. Nothing’s changed, but that weird blotch on your face your family keeps telling you to have checked by a doctor.
Zach McAllister – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks. Good thing the Indians kept him on the farm and gave the ball every 5 days to Derek Lowe and Josh Tomlin. McAllister could throw a 6.00 ERA the next 60 innings and still have a better ERA than Lowe, Tomlin, or Jimenez.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4 with a homer. I don’t own him anywhere, so I have to admit I was a wee bit ignorant how bad he’s been. I mean, I know his average was down, but only 8 homers and a .238 average is hideous.
Travis Hafner – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. For Halloween, I’m gonna cut holes in a cardboard box for my arms and legs, then design said box to look like a refrigerator and write Hafner #48 on the back and say I’m Pronky Brewster. Who’s with me?!