You walking out of your H2H draft, “I might have overspent on Tulo but, as long as I have him in September, I’m fine. Now where are those cigars I’ve been saving for the birth of my firstborn? I need a stogie up in here!” You might’ve just got your wish. Troy Tulowitzki is gonna have arthroscopic surgery on his groin. And I just crossed my legs. The good news is he didn’t need microscopic surgery on his groin, because that would’ve been embarrassing. The bad news, he’ll be out for another 6 weeks, at least. To get to the heart of the matter, that’s a shot to the nuts for him and his owners. I think Tulo will probably return in September because he’s the type to get back for his club. That’s based on 1 part science and 99 parts my gut talking. In most leagues, I’d stash him, to wit. Or Stosh, to witzki. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Beachy – It’s official; he’s going to be out 12-14 months with Tommy John surgery. Tommy John could have a portfolio of properties if he would’ve trademarked that name. Probably for the best, we don’t want him on every episode of House Hunters.
Tommy Hanson – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks and 4 homers allowed. Yesterday, balls were carrying better at Yankee Stadium than at a Fruit of the Loom factory.
Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. Now has 10 homers and 10 steals, which prorates to around 22/22. If I may be so bold, he hasn’t even been that hot for an extended period of time. If he catches fire and puts up a 27/20 year, he’s right around the year you’re praying you’re still gonna get from Justin Upton.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Looks like his index finger is fine. Though pointing that out is rude in some cultures.
Mark Teixeira – Didn’t start yesterday after taking a line drive off his heel, but got into the game as a pinch-hitter. He should be able to go on Friday. On an aside, I have a new money-making scheme. Socks that have a picture of a wrestling villain by the heel. Can easily match up your Rowdy Roddy Piper socks or mix-and-match a Roddy Piper and a Captain Lou Albano. Or tag team your socks with Afa and Sika. The choices are endless. Is this the next karaoke cab? I’m not sure, but take the idea; it’s yours! Just give me my 10% cut.
Alex Rodriguez – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer. He dedicated this homer to the men and women who had to live through his hair frosting stage.
Phil Hughes – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. He’s like MC Skat Kat. He takes two steps forward, he takes two steps back. Maybe that’s why I find him the opposite of attractive.
Krispie Young – 1-for-5 with a run as he hit leadoff in a game the Diamondbacks scored 14 runs. He’s condensed Anna Nicole Smith’s entire career in the last three months. In April, he was white-hot on the cover of Playboy. Right now, Krispie’s hanging out with the other Howard Stern and stretching out Betty Boop’s “Boop-boop-de-doop-oop” into a fifteen second ramble.
Justin Upton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer before leaving the game with cramps. He just needs a pint of Häagen-Dazs and some Sex and the City reruns.
Miguel Montero – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. San Miguel looks like he’s trying to upstage Jesus Montero in what could be the worst baseball holy war since Jesus Alou asked the Astros to not play Peter, Paul & Mary’s Right Field when he came to bat. As Jesus said, “It teaches a good lesson about self-esteem, but I prefer something that doesn’t make me want to Puff on the Magic Dragon.”
Dustin Ackley – 0-for-3. Who are you, Dustin Ackley? I know Kyle Seager (3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last two games). I know Aaron Hill (2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in as many games). I even know Ryan Roberts (2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 5th homer). I do not know you, Dustin Ackley.
Jake Westbrook – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. The Dave Duncan fairy dust Westbrook bought off eBay is working out nicely. Just don’t tell him it’s really someone’s nana’s ashes.
Allen Craig – Left yesterday’s game in the ninth after appearing to injure his wrist. Matheny said lifting Craig was for defensive purposes, so…then Craig went to get a X-rays on the wrist to try out the new X-ray machine? See if they can find that coin Craig swallowed? Craig’s got a crush on the X-ray technician? Turned out that Craig was fine. He said, “I think I got lucky.” Maybe it was the X-ray technician reason.
Tommy Milone – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. Milone, you magnificent homeschooler, I read your splits! I drink them up!
Ryan Braun – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (20) and legs (12). I wonder if FedEx couriers didn’t draft Ryan Braun as a sign of solidarity. I also wonder if DHL couriers drafted him first overall. Finally, I wonder if there’s any leagues which pit DHL couriers vs. FedEx couriers and, if in those leagues, they tell the guy at the draft who finished last the previous year to “stop mailing it in.” I’m inquisitive!
Corey Hart – 1-for-3 with the slam (15) and legs (2). He plays a lot better in day games when his sunglasses aren’t a hinderance.
Glen Perkins – Recorded the save yesterday. Sure glad Capps would be ready to go on Tuesday. Guess they meant he’d be ready to go on Tuesday, but not Wednesday. Twins are now saying Capps will be ready to return by Friday after throwing a bullpen session yesterday. We shall see. Or not. Your choice!
Franciso Liriano – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Pirates. That’s nice; I still trust him as much as a drunken gypsy selling me a tambourine.
Brett Lawrie – Left yesterday’s game when his knee tensed up on him. He needs it to take a chill pill. He should be good to go again on Friday. Or as he said on Twitter, “#yabuddy #knee #okay #it’slikeIhavehashtagTourette’s.”
Jonathan Broxton – Recorded his 18th save yesterday with a 1.57 ERA. It’s like the Closepocalypse ignored the terrible closers thinking they would take themselves out and, lo and behold, Broxton and Fernando Rodney are now Jack and Ben Linus.
Anthony Bass – Left yesterday’s start with shoulder inflammation. MLB, “Sorry, kid, there’s only room for one fish.”
Everth Cabrera – 3-for-4 with his 11th steal without being caught once. That’s all in 107 ABs. If he had 500 ABs…Well, you can do the math.
Danny Hultzen – Was called up to Triple-A. I think we see him right after the All-Star break. Rudy thinks we see him by June 26th. I already went over my Danny Hultzen fantasy. I wrote it while making an ice sculpture of Q-Bert.
Dillon Gee – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. He now has 83 Ks in 90 2/3 IP. That’s really good. He also has a 1.24 WHIP. Prettay prettay prettay good. Under a 2.50 walk rate. Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, not too shabby. What’s our favorite letter of the alphabet? K, but Gee ain’t bad.
Justin Masterson – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks. We got sonavabenched pretty bad in one league. In another league where we’re currently in 1st, we had him started. That is also the team I said in the beginning of the year would need a miracle because our staff is Chris Sale, Jake Peavy, Ivan Nova, Andy Pettitte and Justin Masterson. Maybe my breakfast before that draft of a piece of toast with Ron Shandler’s image did have mystical power.
Yu Darvish – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. Not much to say here, but Rudy just traded for Yu Darvish in our RCL league. The price he paid? Santiago Casilla, the guy he got off waivers a day after I dropped him and a day before Wilson was deemed done for the year. Yup.
Jerome Williams – Hits the DL, which means Garrett Richards will stay in the rotation. Though, as I said the other day, “I still wouldn’t go near him in mixed leagues, unless it was as a streamer in an H2H league. He has 17 Ks to 11 BBs in 21 IP. Against a legit offense, he’s going to get bombed out.” And that’s me quoting me!
Chris Nelson – 2-for-4, and a homer. With Tulo hurt and Nelson hitting (2nd homer this week), he should see everyday ABs, which makes him worth a looksie in NL-Only leagues. Just pray he doesn’t play anything off his After the Rain album.
Roy Oswalt – Will start Friday for the Rangers. Because we spare no expense for you Razzballers, Rudy went out to Round Rock on Sunday to see Oswalt’s last minor league start. Here’s his eyewitness report, “Watched his last start in Round Rock – his first minor league start that looked halfway decent (6 IP, 2 ER, 5 K). He was hitting 90-93 MPH on the fastball, but he wasn’t very dominant. There were some hard hit balls that were right at his fielders. And, bear in mind, this was the Astros’ AAA squad. The only hitter he faced with any promise is Jimmy “I couldn’t beat out Chris Johnson” Paredes. Oswalt might have some gas in the tank, but I’d steer clear of starting him his first couple starts. Do you think there’s any money in Razzball’s budget to go to Friday’s Rangers–” Oops, we lost him. Oh, well. Thanks, Rudy!
Ross Detwiler – Wang heads to the bullpen as Detwiler moves back into the rotation. Detwiler was a decent backend rotation guy for NL-Only leagues, but should be left to matchups for mixed leagues. When Wang was asked about his role being reduced, he replied “It’s shrinkage!”
Jose Valverde – Tigers confirmed a wrist sprain that will force him to miss 3-4 days. Leyland was sympathetic, saying that he had a wrist sprain for a week once and he couldn’t ash his Marlboro, instead he had to hold the cigarette in his mouth and shake his head really fast. Benoit should see the saves in the interim.
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks as he took Hellickson’s spot in the rotation. In Triple-A, Archer had a 10+ K-rate but also 5+ walk rate. Basically, this Archer’s not hitting the apple on top of your head. Sounds a little like he’s better suited for relief. Since the Ks are muy delicioso, I’d take a flyer in AL-Only leagues where you need to gamble on upside, but he looks like a good candidate to roofie someone.
Ben Zobrist – 0-for-4 to lower his average to .229. Belch. But as frequent commenter, Carnac, said, “Answer: Zobrist, Reddick. Question: Two things a mohel is known for.”
Joel Peralta - After being ejected on Tuesday night for a significant amount of pine tar on his glove, MLB is investigating the issue. I think prior to adding more instant replay, MLB should consider adding an extra umpire. Only not a human, but a pine tar-sniffing Bloodhound. Could put him in a little umpire uniform with a little corn cob pipe. Or if the dog doing its business on the field becomes an issue, MLB can go a different route. A midget breeded to 1) Smell pine tar from within 200 feet and 2) Have the same facial expression and gait as George Brett when his HR was DQ’d for having too much pine tar. Also, they can dress him like a pirate. I’d call him Pint Arrr!