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I’m gonna turn the top 20 outfielders for 2014 fantasy baseball to 100, because I love you as much as someone who has never met someone else can love someone.  I did get mad when you did that thing that I don’t know about because I don’t know you.  It wasn’t cool.  But forgive and forget, as my Grandpa Joe says, even if he never forgave our neighbor for stealing his street cleaning parking spot twenty years ago, so there’s that.  Now, it’s only fair I turn the outfielders up to 100, since I’ve turned the top 20 catchers for 2014 fantasy baseball to 28 and the top 20 1st basemen for 2014 fantasy baseball to 45 and the top 20 2nd basemen for 2014 fantasy baseball to 36; the top 20 shortstops for 2014 fantasy baseball to 38 and the top 20 3rd basemen for 2014 fantasy baseball to 36.  All the 2014 fantasy baseball rankings are there.  As always, my tiers and projections are included.  If you’re worried about trusting a man that obviously is more concerned with his facial hair, here’s a review of my rankings from last year.  Bam!  Anyway, here’s the top 20 outfielders for 2014 fantasy baseball:

1. Mike Trout – Went over him in the top 10 for 2014 fantasy baseball.

2. Andrew McCutchen – Went over him in the top 10 for 2014 fantasy baseball.

3. Adam Jones – Went over him in the top 10 for 2014 fantasy baseball.

4. Carlos Gonzalez – Went over him in the top 10 for 2014 fantasy baseball.

5. Bryce Harper – Went over him in the top 10 for 2014 fantasy baseball.

6. Jose Bautista – Went over him in the top 20 for 2014 fantasy baseball.

7. Ryan Braun – Went over him in the top 20 for 2014 fantasy baseball.

8. Yasiel Puig – Went over him in the top 20 for 2014 fantasy baseball.

9. Jay Bruce – Went over him in the top 20 for 2014 fantasy baseball.

10. Giancarlo Stanton – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Gomez.  I call this tier, “Don’t ruin your draft.”  What I mean by this tier name is you must have at least one outfielder drafted by the end of this tier, preferably two.  If you don’t have an outfielder by the end of this top 18, you’re up Shizz Creek and you’re entering the address into Waze and it’s coming back with “Cannot Find Location.”  I can’t help myself when I think of Giancarlo’s biceps and quads and dark complexion.  He’s like a buff Benjamin Bratt.  Or a muscly George Hamilton.  How can anyone resist that?  He can also hit 45 homers without killing you in average.  Last year was a lost year, which is terrific if you’re saving keystrokes, but isn’t what you wanted obviously.  Or obvi if a teenager is reading.  He was injured early on and even when he returned his lineup was still sick, but not sick as in good but sick as in ill and not ill as in good but ill as in ‘I want to puke; I really need to stop eating only Carl’s Jr.’  He’s still only 24 years old, but surrounded by an ugly lineup.  You can’t rely on runs and RBIs.  Just have to hope he hits 40 homers and Adeiny Hesaveryterrible gets on base.  2014 Projections:  79/36/89/.264/4

11. Justin Upton – Last year was a tale of two seasons.  One season where he dazzled your retinas and another season where it looked like he was filming a sequel to Faces of Death.  In the end, his numbers were 27 homers, 8 steals and a .263 average.  Right now, his fly ball rate is at 39.5% for his career.  Last year, it was 37.8%, which came out to 151 fly balls.  If he had hit homers per fly balls at his usual rate of 14%, he would’ve had around 22 homers.  That’s not great.  Love to see his fly ball rate get over 40%.  Last year, he had 400 batted balls.  If he had nine more fly balls, he would’ve had a 40% fly ball rate.  So, we’re not talking a huge difference.  He’s no guarantee for 25 homers, but it’s well within the margin of error.  His average last year was .263.  That looks a lot closer to reality than I’d like.  His BABIP last year was .321.  Maybe that bumps up to .332, his career average, but with his escalating K-rate, I wouldn’t count on it.  His steals have also dipped all the way down to 8 from a high of 21 in 2011.  As we saw with Pence last year, it’s impossible to say if a 15-steal guy is going to steal 20+ bases or less than 10.  Just have to hope for 12-ish.  So, why is he ranked this high if it’s all negatives?  Good question, Random Razzball Commenter.  He’s never had a season where he’s been hideous and he’s 26 years old.  Hard to find a 26-year-old that you can project 20+ homers, 10+ steals and a .270 average.  He’ll probably be ranked around 20th overall at the end of the year, but Ellsbury, Marte, Myers, etc. could be ranked much further down at the end of the year.  To summarize the last 500 words, Upton’s upside isn’t as great as some, but his downside is a lot less severe.  To summarize further, good not great.  To summarize even further, good.  2014 Projections:  88/25/79/.270/12

12. Alex RiosSaberhagenmetricians don’t even know what to do with Rios.  Rios had two huge seasons earlier in his career, then went to complete crap for a year then bounced back for a great season, then junk and now he’s riding back-to-back great seasons.  If that was an SAT question, skim milk is to whole milk as soda is to the Amish.  Let me take you by the hand to the promised land, and threaten everyone, cause Rios has no rhyme or no reason for nothing, Eminem.  There’s as good a chance that Rios hits 25 homers as 12.  Also, he could steal 40 bases or 10.  In front of Fielder in Arlington, has to spell wonderful, right?  Yeah, just like when Hamilton moved behind Pujols last year.  What we do know is the Rangers stole the 2nd most in the majors last year because Ron Washington is a tad antsy in the dugout (no idea why), and Rios has 40-steal speed.  Also, Rios should hit 15 homers, at least, and could hit 25+.  That’s gotta be worth something, right?  Rhetorical!   2014 Projections:  91/17/74/.284/30

13. Jacoby Ellsbury – I went over my Jacoby Ellsbury fantasy when he signed with the Yankees.  It was nominated for a Bloggie, but lost to Twenty Pictures Of Cats That You’ll LOL At.  2014 Projections:  98/13/57/.279/32

14. Shin-Soo Choo – Here’s my Choo fantasy when he signed with Texas.  It was written high on sugar.  2014 Projections:  101/20/59/.277/20

15. Wil Myers – 25 homers and 10 steals.  That’ll be his projections.  If that’s all you want, move on now.  I want to talk less about Myers but more about the psychology of fantasy baseball.  Player A and Player B both hit 8 homers in April.  Player A is Matt Holliday, Player B is Wil Myers.  Who do you want?  It doesn’t really matter.  They both gave you the same.  Right?  Wrong.  Wrong?  Right.  If Myers hits well in April, people are going to rename their pets Myers or Wil and start smoking pipes and using words like “foray” and phrases like “top of the morning to ya.”  If Holliday does it, people will start thinking about selling high.  Myers’s upside is unknown.  Think about how I sold Machado last year for David Price when one started hot and one started cold.  With unknown comes a huge reward factor.  Sure, there’s risk, but not huge risk.  Myers could hit one homer in April and be batting .220 going into May, and immediately people will be looking at buying low.  People will still want Wil, people. (<–not really a palindrome!)  Players are not created equal.  It’s good to have players that other people want.  People don’t inherently want, say, Alex Gordon, people want Myers.  People don’t want Carlos Beltran, people want Myers.  That’s not to say throw out the baby with the bathwater.  You don’t want to jeopardize your team just to be filled with players that others ‘want,’ but when a downside is as marginal as Myers, you go for the reward.  2014 Projections:  78/25/90/.271/10

16. Starling Marte – Last year Marte had 12 homers and 41 steals.  That’s better than I’m projecting Ellsbury for this year.  So, the question is will Marte repeat, get worse or get better?  Last year he had a 12.2% HR/FB rate.  That’s repeatable.  Maybe it falls to just around 10%, which would give him 10 homers if all things are equal.  He’s definitely more of a 10 homer guy than a 15 or 20 homer guy…In 135 games, which he had last year.  No reason why he can’t play 150 games.  If he does, he’s hitting 15 homers.  Now the steals are tied to his batting average, because he doesn’t walk at all.  He hit .280 last year with a .363 BABIP.  He’s fast, so a higher BABIP isn’t totally off, but .363 is high even for him.  He’s a lot closer to a .250 hitter than a .280 hitter.  He hit .254 in the 2nd half last year, and I could see that over a full season.  That will drop his steals too.  He might only steal 25 bases.  One big unknown is does Marte hit in front of Jordy Mercer and does Mercer hit .230 or .280?  Okay, the bigger question is who the hell is Jordy Mercer?  And what is a Jordy?  Sounds like a nickname for the fat kid in your class that chews gum he takes off the bottom of a desk.  Jordy, stop chewing used Bubblicious and hit .280, please.  Speaking of Bubblicious, is it me or has candy not changed at all since you were a kid?  Feels like the candy market needs some innovation.  Compare the changes to candy to the changes in computers in the last 30 years.  As a society, we need less computer scientists and more candiologists.  Stop worrying about making my phone smarter, and start worrying about giving me something besides Nerds.  2014 Projections:  91/15/40/.259/30

17. Alex Gordon – Okay, now on the fo’really-all-seriously-seriousness tip, he can’t hit leadoff in 2014.  Just can’t do it.  Royals have Aoki now.  C’mon, do what’s right here and bat Gordon at least 2nd and maybe 3rd.  For the love of all that is holy if you believe in holy things.  With Aoki batting in front of him abcsicwnjicw– Oops, sorry, I had my fingers crossed.  With Aoki batting in front of him (please), Gordon could finally get his 20+ homers, 10+ steals and counting stats that won’t resemble that of, say, Victorino.  2014 Projections:  84/23/92/.282/12

18. Carlos Gomez – He doesn’t have one breakout season under his belt.  Last year, he hit 24 homers and stole 40 bases.  The year before he hit 19 homers and stole 37.  If he hit one more homer in 2012, psychologically you’d have no problems with him being a top twenty guy.  Not a top 20 outfielder, but top 20 player overall.  I know, this all surprised me too, but for all intents and porpoises he had back-to-back 20/40 seasons.  Oh, and he hit .280 last year and .260 in 2012, so it’s not like he’s killing you anywhere.  I fought myself to get Kemp in the top 20 outfielders, but Carlos Gomez won.  2014 Projections:  84/22/71/.259/35

19. Hunter Pence – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 40 outfielders for 2014 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “They’re older and getting older.  Weird how that works.”  Remember the days when everyone had a crazy aunt?  Now everyone has a lesbian aunt.  Times are changin’, over-the-internet friend.  This tier is filled with guys that are headed the wrong way on the age scale and they remember the days of crazy aunts.  In 2012, Pence stole 5 bases.  Then last year, Pence’s gangliness confused pitchers and they allowed him to get a 40 foot lead off of first base.  Or maybe he started shooting up speedballs and Red Bull.  Or maybe he had a nightmare that Joy Behar was trying to kiss him and he was running away from her.  I don’t know, but 22 steals at 30 years old when he never topped 20 before made no sense and I doubt he approaches that total again.  Unless Joy Behar now travels with the team.  2014 Projections:  83/24/90/.262/12

20. Carlos Beltran – Beltran was great when he was co-starring on My So Called Life with Claire Danes, but Danes is now on Homeland flexing her acting chops playing an agent that is crazy-but-not-really-crazy-but-really-is-crazy-and-in-love-with-a-guy-that’s-a-terrorist-but-not-really-a-terrorist-but-is-a-terrorist while Beltran is doing cameos in major league lineups between injuries.  If you get a full season from Beltran, you could have a top 15 outfielder season.  If he fails to Zombino, you might get a horror show.  2014 Projections:  78/24/88/.279/5