You, “Hey, look at that, I’m in a crazy/stupid/gooftarded deep league and everyone in this league that I’m talking to myself about is well-versed in this fantasy baseball shizz because they are also in this crazy/stupid/gooftarded deep league yet they forgot to draft Matt Holliday. Cool!” Yeah, that’s not going to happen. If you’re drafting from guys in the top 100 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball, your league is deep and you know you’re not going to get much from these guys. Potatoes to chips, most of these guys will be worth owning at some point in the season. In keepers and single league, uh, leagues, most should be owned from the jump, if ‘from the jump’ means what I think it does when kids say it. Now get off my lawn! Here’s all of the 2013 fantasy baseball rankings. If you’re joining us late, here’s the top 20 outfielders, top 40 outfielders, top 60 outfielders and top 80 outfielders. Anyway, here’s the top 100 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball:
81. Oscar Taveras – This tier started in top 80 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball. This tier ends at Cowgill. I called this tier, “Not If But When’ isn’t just something I read in a fortune cookie, it’s also a tier name.” I already went over my Oscar Taveras 2013 fantasy. I wrote it in honor of the original Oscar. RIP Schindler. 2013 Projections: 35/7/25/.275/9 in 220 at-bats
82. Matt Carpenter – Unlike the first three names in this tier, it’s not about waiting for him to get called up, but waiting for him to get a starting job. Somewhere, Allen Craig gasped and pulled his oblique. 2013 Projections: 54/8/59/.282/2
83. Collin Cowgill – Here’s what I said about Cowgill when he was sent to the Mets, “Cowgill may sound like a Texas radio personality, but he’s a guy that’s languished in the minors for longer than he’s needed to. He’s ready for the majors, and there’s a chance the Mets play him. In the minors, he showed some pop and nice speed. Think 7 homers and 25 steals with an everyday job. He’s also shown the ability to take a walk in the minors, but so far in the majors (196 ABs) he’s looked overmatched with ballooning Ks. Definitely a solid flyer for NL-Only leagues and I wouldn’t be surprised if he earns a spot in an early season Buy column. You’ll hear about him much more if secures a job in Queens.” And that’s me quoting me! 2013 Projections: 41/4/43/.240/17
84. David Murphy – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Francoeur. I call this tier, “They have an everyday job. Yay.” This tier could also have been called, you’re gonna drop them by the first week of the season or want to. There’s talk that Murphy will take over the three spot in the Rangers lineup. That talk is bizzonkers with a side of crazy. I like Murphy as a fifth outfielder, in theory. But if he had more power or speed he would’ve ended up in that tier with Maybin. In reality, Murphy’s the first guy you drop when someone is hitting on waivers. His projections of 16 homers, 10 steals aren’t bad until you get 2-3 homers a month and 1-2 steals. 2013 Projections: 63/16/72/.278/10
85. Garret Jones – Already went over Jones’s projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2013 fantasy baseball.
86. Justin Ruggiano – In this tier, Parmelee, Ruggiano and Mastroianni. Sounds like a bunch second rate crime families. “We make people talk…By asking them politely.” This tier could’ve also been called outfielders on awful teams in pretty terrible hitters’ parks, except Murphy. Ruggiano had a year to remember last year, if you’re directly related to Ruggiano. Otherwise, no one’s going to remember it. He’ll be 31 years old this year and he is a journeyman who shouldn’t have a starting job on a major league team. And he doesn’t. He’s starting for the Marlins. 2013 Projections: 72/12/32/.258/15
87. Logan Morrison – Already went over Morrison’s projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2013 fantasy baseball.
88. Darin Mastroianni – When Revere went to the Phils, here’s what I said, “Will become the new Twins center fielder. How does one get the name Darin with that last name? Is Darin short for Daringiuseppe? He stole 45 bases one year in the minor leagues, but keep in mind that prior to now he was having a hard time getting everyday at-bats on the Twins. If that doesn’t tell you all you need to know, you need to know too much. Nosy! Mastroianni will steal 40 bases, and even hit three times as many homers as Revere (i.e., three homers), but he might not hit .250. He strikes out a lot for a lead off man. Daringiuseppe, ‘Your momma strikes out a lot! Hey-oh!’” And that’s me quoting me! 2013 Projections: 81/3/37/.242/32
89. Chris Parmelee – He sounds like a basketball player to me. Parmelee down low… No look to Mastroianni and now I’m announcing an Italian national basketball team. What they lack in basketball skills, they more than make up in hand gestures and armpit hair. The Twins are so terrible that they might actually play Parmelee for the whole year. Then again, the Twins are awful, so that sword cuts both ways, Samurai Jack. Here’s what I said last year about Parmelee, “Chris Parmelee just likes September. In 2011, he hit 4 homers and a .355 average in September. Maybe it’s because of that goth chick he used to date that showed him the virtues of September, and its dying flowers. Maybe it’s because his abusive father left his family in September seventeen years ago. Maybe it’s because he plays in Minnesota and in September the girls finally start covering up. The preceding was an excerpt from Chris Parmelee’s autobiography, “Running With Scissors and a Chicken Parm Sandwich,” which was ghost written by the guy who wrote the early 80?s film, My Bodyguard. The book jacket has his minor league stats: 17 homers, .338/.457/.645 in 64 games in Triple-A in 2012; he’s ready for the major leagues. In 48 games with the Twins, he has 5 homers and he’s striking out a little too much. He might not get you a .270 average, and the chapters in his book about when he went to live with his psychiatrist, who operated out of the back of a pizzeria, are dry, but he should be owned for his power.” And that’s me quoting me! 2013 Projections: 54/15/64/.268/1
90. Lucas Duda – Broke his wrist in November trying to grow a mustache for Movember, which will probably hurt his power. I suppose Duda could still hit 20 homers in a full season of at-bats. I suppose I could also poop in my hands and call it fudge. Neither are probably happening. 2013 Projections: 51/17/62/.252/1
91. Juan Pierre – Might only start vs. righties. He has 17 career homers and 16 of them vs. righties, so it’s a smart move by the Marlins. If he gets six thousand plate appearances this year, he could hit 20 homers. 2013 Projections: 61/1/22/.295/30
92. Nate McLouth – The Orioles are saying McLousy will platoon with Nolan Reimold. They are calling it the McReimold, which was also the name of a McDonald’s sandwich test-marketed in Korea that was fermented cabbage burgers. McLouth will probably earn an everyday job, then get hurt and miss two months. 2013 Projections: 71/12/52/.252/12
93. Franklin Gutierrez – Like a baby’s diaper, the Mariners outfield is crowded with crap. In the corner outfield slots, there’s Ibanez, The Big FraGu and Jason Bay. That’s three guys for two spots. Unless they can convince the league that shortstop Brendan Ryan should only play the field and not bat. 2013 Projections: 54/11/57/.250/10
94. Jonny Gomes – There will probably be someone like, “Yo, Greysef Hawkins, you said most of these outfielders were on terrible teams, but Gomes is on the Red Sox.” Mmm-hmm. I keed. The Red Sox won’t be terrible offensively and Fenway isn’t bad, but Gomes could be. Or he’ll just end up platooned with Nava. Only one year in his career, Gomes has had a full season of at-bats, and that year he hit 18 homers with 5 steals. <sarcastic>Sweet!</sarcastic> 2013 Projections: 53/16/57/.245/3
95. Ryan Doumit – Obviously his real value comes from his catcher eligibility. Speaking of which, I already went over Doumit’s projections in the top 20 catchers for 2013 fantasy baseball.
96. Kirk Nieuwenhuis – His numbers look a lot like Daniel Murphy without the runs and average. *snooze* What happened? I was writing about Nieuwenhuis and the next thing I know… *snooze* I just had a dream that I was writing about Mike Trout and he was in the room with me, only he looked like Kate Upton. I’m going to write more about Nieuwenhuis so I can go back to… *snooze* 2013 Projections: 54/12/68/.248/6
97. David DeJesus – Due to his runs at the top of the Cubs lineup, DeJesus might be getting the short end of the stick with this ranking. What a sacrilege! 2013 Projections: 81/10/45/.257/6
98. Carlos Quentin – Padres fans will be outraged at this ranking. Hehe. I crack myself up. The last time Padres fans were outraged was when the club named a cul-de-sac after Trevor Hoffman instead of a street. “Steal this Trevor sign! Give us Alley Hoffman!” 2013 Projections: 64/21/75/.248/1
99. Justin Maxwell – Now we’re getting into some serious value. And by that I mean, no one in their right mind is paying a lot for Astros. Right now, Maxwell is set to bat between Carlos Pena and the blahtoon of Fernando Martinez and Brandon Barnes. As a person who is PC would call constipation, Maxwell may get negative runs. 2013 Projections: 48/20/58/.235/12
100. J.D. Martinez – Last year, Martinez had 439 plate appearances and 34 runs. That was with his majority of at-bats coming in the three hole. J.D. Salinger got more action in 70 years of reclusion. 2013 Projections: 42/15/67/.260
101. Jon Jay – There’s nothing necessarily wrong with Jon Jay. There’s nothing necessarily right with him either. The Federalist keeps things democratic and spreads his value across all categories. Well, democracy in theory. 2013 Projections: 62/6/52/.301/12
102. Jeff Francoeur – Going from The Federalist to Frenchy reminds me of the Louisiana Purchase and how I don’t remember anything that I learned in grade school, but I also don’t remember what I had for lunch yesterday either. Which somehow makes every lunch period in grade school seem really pointless. 2013 Projections: 55/18/67/.255/7
After the top 102 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball, there’s still a few names:
Andy Dirks – This is the final tier of outfielders. This tier is called, “Y’all a bunch of part-timers, pardners!” Quintin Berry, Brennan Boesch, Avisail Garcia and Nick Castellanos have something to say about Dirks playing every day. My guess is Dirks will win out, but one of them will end up with the majority of the playing time when Leyland’s used all of his lineup cards for cigarette rolling paper and is forced to reuse the same lineup card multiple times. 2013 Projections: 50/12/59/.298/9
Travis Snider – Will probably be in some sort of Gaby-Jones Tabata-Snider platoon, which is also the name of a Jewish-Puerto Rican girl I dated in high school after she shortened Gabriella Jones Consuela Sal Rothstein Tabata Sniderberg. 2013 Projections: 48/15/57/.248/3
Will Venable – I’m not sure why the Padres platoon Venable. Sure, he sucks vs. lefties, but the Padres suck, too. Watch who you’re calling a kettle here, Padres! 2013 Projections: 52/9/41/.260/20
Gregor Blanco – “He’s… a… part-time… player…” That’s Stevie Wonder at Mark Cuban’s fantasy draft after he paid him a million dollars to accompany him. 2013 Projections: 48/4/41/.240/19
Mike Carp – The Mariners have around seven 1st basemen/DH/unable-to-hit-in-Safeco players. My guess is Smoak will be released, Kendrys will DH and split time at first with Carp, Montero and Morse. It’s just a guess, hence the reason why I started that last sentence with “my guess.” If you’re in a league where you need a guy with a fish last name, Carp would bump up to 2nd overall. 2013 Projections: 32/16/48/.240/1
Brandon Guyer – I love Guyer like a ladyer loves a manyer if it wasn’t for Kelly Johnson’s signing. Guyer will probably be up by June. 2013 Projections: 40/5/46/.288/17
Matt Joyce – He’s currently slotted in for a full-time job. And I’m running for mayor of WhoCaresville. There’s no way Joyce sees a full season of at-bats. It’ll either be Myers (prolly), Guyer, Fuld or Brignac cutting into Joyce’s playing time. 2013 Projections: 59/16/69/.250/5
Seth Smith – Can’t wait until Moneyball II is released and it’s all about platooning with the star of the show Seth Smith aka The Lisper’s Nightmare as played by Sean Astin, with a soundtrack featuring Kool G. Rap. I’m sorry, Seth, you can’t face lefties. “Thith ith ridiculouth!” 2013 Projections: 53/15/55/.268/3
Tony Campana – SAGNOF, snitches! 2013 Projections: something/nothing/barely something/meh/SAGNOF!