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Rick Porcello won the 5th starter spot in Detroit over Smyly.  Or Frownly, as the case may now be.  Yawn.  This is most unexciting news ever.  This is like reading a Yelp review for The Cheesecake Factory.  They have big portions.  Yay.  Who even writes Yelp reviews for The Cheesecake Factory?  I want some of your free time, Cheesecake Factory reviewer.  I don’t like Porcello and wouldn’t draft him in any leagues.  He has a 5-ish K/9, which is atrocious.  Which II, The Return of Which Mountain, leads Porcello to need good luck on balls hit into play.  Though, no matter what I say, Porcello is invariably asked about in the comments for whether or not to pick him up, so y’all ain’t reading this anyway, and, since you’re not reading, I was the one who made heaving noises from the movie theater balcony and dropped cream of corn soup on your head.   (Spoiler Alert for Game of Thrones:  Was I the only one who was reminded of Chunk from The Goonies when Tyrion was confessing to the weird breastfeeding lady?  Any the hoo!)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Ricky Romero – Optioned to High-A.  He’s goin’ back to the minors, uh-huh, yeah, I think so.

Matt Holliday – Missed yesterday’s game due to tightness in his side.  The Cardinals said it was precautionary and he’ll be fine.  I expected him to take off Easter and not a Jewish Holliday.

David Freese – First reported here after reading and inferring shizz from other sources, Freese will start the year on the DL.  So, you can put Freese on ice.  Pun with a side of Big Gulp!  Freese is hoping to be ready for the home opener on April 8th.  I’d add an extra week onto that timetable, which is also what I call the table next to my bed that holds my alarm clock.

Yasiel Puig – Sent to Double-A.  Yeah, no kidding.  I just went over him yesterday.  If you were surprised that Yasiel was optioned down, I’d avoid cats jumping out of a closet.

Dee Gordon – Sent to Triple-A.  Pardon me while I come down from the top of the food chain to say, f*ck Luis Cruz!  Oh, well, it’s fine to drop Gordon in all leagues.  In fact, drop him on Luis Cruz.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – Will start his first Dodgers game on April 2nd.  Me likey and I can’t be wrong because Jaywrong also likes him.  Here’s his Hyun-Jin Ryu sleeper post.  Jaywrong wrote it while– Actually, you don’t want to know what he was doing when he wrote it.

Bryce Harper – Could rest for a few days with lingering soreness in his thumb.  Where is thumbkin?  That’s a clown–  Harper’s hit well since first hurting himself, and it sounds like the Nats are just being precious, Gollum.

Alex Rios – Expects to be ready for Opening Day after tweaking something in the weight room.  He’ll think twice about entering the “World’s Strongest String Bean” contest.

Ryan Madson – Throwing at 70-80%.  Cool, now he just needs to face Jayson Werth, who is swinging at 70-80% and he’ll be good.  Not that out of nowhere prediction: Ernesto Frieri will be the closer until July.

Chris Tillman – Might start the year on the DL.  The DL stint will probably be backdated and it’s not an arm injury so I wouldn’t be too concerned.  I’d still draft him and put on my O’s face.

Luis Mendoza – Got the 5th starter job for the Royals beating out Bruce Chen.  Apparently, the 5th starter job on the Royals is where we’re now drawing the Mendoza Line.

Jeremy Hefner – Was stung by a comebacker.  Don Rickles would be happy to hear that.  Speaking of old-timey comedians, as some of you know, I’m getting married this year to The Cougar.  So, I was saying to her that I thought it would be cool to have Jackie Mason marry us.  So she reached out to some entertainment connections and Jackie got back to us with his fee:  $135,000.00.  The zeroes after the decimal were included!  Are we supposed to be grateful that it wasn’t $135,000.75?  Could we talk him down to $134,999.50?  As for Hefner, he’s supposed to be fine.

Shaun Marcum – Could begin the year on the DL.  Good to get the first of five DL trips out of the way early!

Jonny Venters – Left yesterday’s game with an elbow sprain.  Fredi Gonzalez can’t understand what happened, Venters is usually good for twenty up-and-down-should-I-bring-him-in-or-should-I-not-bring-him-in warm-up sessions, throwing 60 to 70 pitches per appearance and pitching on back-to-back days for 162 straight days.  If you were counting on Holds from Venters, I wouldn’t, uh, count on holding him.

Pablo Sandoval – I think this is my 1,000th injury update on Sandoval.  If he had as many near-DL trips as near-refrigerator trips, he’d be a skinny man and would need to be renamed Sandstraightline.  Now, the Giants are saying he’s pain-free and good to go for the start of the season.  I’m sure that’ll change five more times in the next week.

Hiroyuki Nakajima – Two days ago it was reported that he’d start the year in the minors, then yesterday he left with a hamstring injury.  The baseball equivalent of falling on his sword.

Lyle Overbay – Guess who signed him?  The Yankees would actually be better off just bringing back their 1998 team.  #realtalk

Jurickson Profar – Sent to the minors.  He’ll return once Elvis has left the building.

Dylan Axelrod – Named the White Sox fifth starter.  He’s gonna be 28 years old this year and he’s still yet to do a whole lot of anything in the majors.  I’d stay away from Axelrod before he sticks a banana in your tailpipe.

Logan Forsythe – Expected to start the year on the DL after his foot flared up.  I think John Madden has something for that.

Jacob Turner – Sent to Triple-A.  He was supposed to start the year in the rotation.  Wait, Marlins’ management lying to their fans?  No way!

Jonathan Sanchez – Won a rotation spot for the Pirates.  Argh, Filthy Sanchez will walk the whole plankety plank team!

Brandon Inge – I read this report yesterday, “Pirates have committed to keeping Inge on their roster.”  But I read it as, “The Pirates should be committed for keeping Inge on their roster.”

Ramon HernandezRockies said they might release him.  Like to see him sign with the Mariners, just so I can see an R-rated, Who’s on First?  “F-Her throws it to Ram-Her.  Bang, up the middle with D-Ack covering and over to 1st… A rundown!  Justin — D-Ack — Ram-Her — F-Her — Oh, these guys got no Morales!”