Rick Porcello won the 5th starter spot in Detroit over Smyly. Or Frownly, as the case may now be. Yawn. This is most unexciting news ever. This is like reading a Yelp review for The Cheesecake Factory. They have big portions. Yay. Who even writes Yelp reviews for The Cheesecake Factory? I want some of your free time, Cheesecake Factory reviewer. I don’t like Porcello and wouldn’t draft him in any leagues. He has a 5-ish K/9, which is atrocious. Which II, The Return of Which Mountain, leads Porcello to need good luck on balls hit into play. Though, no matter what I say, Porcello is invariably asked about in the comments for whether or not to pick him up, so y’all ain’t reading this anyway, and, since you’re not reading, I was the one who made heaving noises from the movie theater balcony and dropped cream of corn soup on your head. (Spoiler Alert for Game of Thrones: Was I the only one who was reminded of Chunk from The Goonies when Tyrion was confessing to the weird breastfeeding lady? Any the hoo!) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Ricky Romero – Optioned to High-A. He’s goin’ back to the minors, uh-huh, yeah, I think so.
Matt Holliday – Missed yesterday’s game due to tightness in his side. The Cardinals said it was precautionary and he’ll be fine. I expected him to take off Easter and not a Jewish Holliday.
David Freese – First reported here after reading and inferring shizz from other sources, Freese will start the year on the DL. So, you can put Freese on ice. Pun with a side of Big Gulp! Freese is hoping to be ready for the home opener on April 8th. I’d add an extra week onto that timetable, which is also what I call the table next to my bed that holds my alarm clock.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Will start his first Dodgers game on April 2nd. Me likey and I can’t be wrong because Jaywrong also likes him. Here’s his Hyun-Jin Ryu sleeper post. Jaywrong wrote it while– Actually, you don’t want to know what he was doing when he wrote it.
Bryce Harper – Could rest for a few days with lingering soreness in his thumb. Where is thumbkin? That’s a clown– Harper’s hit well since first hurting himself, and it sounds like the Nats are just being precious, Gollum.
Alex Rios – Expects to be ready for Opening Day after tweaking something in the weight room. He’ll think twice about entering the “World’s Strongest String Bean” contest.
Ryan Madson – Throwing at 70-80%. Cool, now he just needs to face Jayson Werth, who is swinging at 70-80% and he’ll be good. Not that out of nowhere prediction: Ernesto Frieri will be the closer until July.
Chris Tillman – Might start the year on the DL. The DL stint will probably be backdated and it’s not an arm injury so I wouldn’t be too concerned. I’d still draft him and put on my O’s face.
Jeremy Hefner – Was stung by a comebacker. Don Rickles would be happy to hear that. Speaking of old-timey comedians, as some of you know, I’m getting married this year to The Cougar. So, I was saying to her that I thought it would be cool to have Jackie Mason marry us. So she reached out to some entertainment connections and Jackie got back to us with his fee: $135,000.00. The zeroes after the decimal were included! Are we supposed to be grateful that it wasn’t $135,000.75? Could we talk him down to $134,999.50? As for Hefner, he’s supposed to be fine.
Shaun Marcum – Could begin the year on the DL. Good to get the first of five DL trips out of the way early!
Jonny Venters – Left yesterday’s game with an elbow sprain. Fredi Gonzalez can’t understand what happened, Venters is usually good for twenty up-and-down-should-I-bring-him-in-or-should-I-not-bring-him-in warm-up sessions, throwing 60 to 70 pitches per appearance and pitching on back-to-back days for 162 straight days. If you were counting on Holds from Venters, I wouldn’t, uh, count on holding him.
Pablo Sandoval – I think this is my 1,000th injury update on Sandoval. If he had as many near-DL trips as near-refrigerator trips, he’d be a skinny man and would need to be renamed Sandstraightline. Now, the Giants are saying he’s pain-free and good to go for the start of the season. I’m sure that’ll change five more times in the next week.
Hiroyuki Nakajima – Two days ago it was reported that he’d start the year in the minors, then yesterday he left with a hamstring injury. The baseball equivalent of falling on his sword.
Lyle Overbay – Guess who signed him? The Yankees would actually be better off just bringing back their 1998 team. #realtalk
Jurickson Profar – Sent to the minors. He’ll return once Elvis has left the building.
Dylan Axelrod – Named the White Sox fifth starter. He’s gonna be 28 years old this year and he’s still yet to do a whole lot of anything in the majors. I’d stay away from Axelrod before he sticks a banana in your tailpipe.
Logan Forsythe – Expected to start the year on the DL after his foot flared up. I think John Madden has something for that.
Jacob Turner – Sent to Triple-A. He was supposed to start the year in the rotation. Wait, Marlins’ management lying to their fans? No way!
Jonathan Sanchez – Won a rotation spot for the Pirates. Argh, Filthy Sanchez will walk the whole plankety plank team!
Brandon Inge – I read this report yesterday, “Pirates have committed to keeping Inge on their roster.” But I read it as, “The Pirates should be committed for keeping Inge on their roster.”
Ramon Hernandez – Rockies said they might release him. Like to see him sign with the Mariners, just so I can see an R-rated, Who’s on First? “F-Her throws it to Ram-Her. Bang, up the middle with D-Ack covering and over to 1st… A rundown! Justin — D-Ack — Ram-Her — F-Her — Oh, these guys got no Morales!”