We realize that not everyone can handle a daily commitment to Razzball. So here’s the condensed brilliance from our site over the past week.
Brett Myers – 7 1/3 IP, 1 hit. Gets the loss. If anyone can console him, it’s his girlfriend. She’s used to getting beaten with one hit.
Jhonny Peralta/Khalil Greene – I had these two schmohawks rated about the same in the preseason. Well, I got that right. Nice zerho for six night, Jhonny, when your team scores 15. I’m never picking a guy with H as his second letter in his first name unless it actually makes phonetic sense.
Albert Pujols – Left the game in the 4th inning due to calf tightness. Early reports of a hairline fracture were later corrected to a hairline recession.
Erik Bedard – Another bad start for the best Canadian pitcher in the game. Buy him now as the hockey season is almost over so he’ll stop being distracted. Just make sure Alanis Morissette or Bryan Adams aren’t playing in the same city where he’s pitching.
Josh Hamilton -16 HRs/65 RBIs which is roughly 77 HRs/180 RBIs in street value.
Jimmy Rollins – Was benched for not running out a popup. By that logic, Pat Burrell should’ve been benched for the last three years.
Chris Carter – From the man that brought you Cancer Man, now comes a lefty slugger that should get some opportunities against righties while Papi mends. He’s worth a flier in AL-Only leagues.
Bartolo Colon – Now 3-0. I still wouldn’t go near him with a three foot churro. (Only partly because waving a three foot churro near Bartolo would be similar to going to a grizzly bear observatory wearing nothing but bikini briefs made of Marshmallow Fluff…. Talk about a Fluffernutter — oofa!)
Negro League Draft – Dave Winfield helped organize a ceremonial draft where Negro League players were picked as honorary members of MLB teams. Very touching. It must be a special day for all these players as they approach their twilight years. The biggest applause was for Atlanta’s pick. A middle infielder known for his distinct batting stance and line drive power. His name is Julio Franco.
John Smoltz – Excerpt from his news conference: “I don’t ever want to stick around throwing 85 MPH and trying to paint corners like a little bitch. Oh, hey Tom…didn’t see you there…”
Justin Masterson – 6 innings of 6.00 ERA, 1.33 WHIP isn’t that exciting but he got the win against your 1st place Rays. With Dice-K on the DL, he’ll likely get another start or two. Depending on the matchup, he could be worth a flier. Based on recent Sox pitching prospect history, there’s an 100% chance Masterson throws a no-hitter in his next couple of starts. On a more tragic note, there’s a 50% chance that he has cancer.
Comment O’ The Week
This week’s riff is from all-star commenter Baron Von Vulturewins. Enjoy…
Bruce: I know you’ve been struggling, buddy.
Cole: It’s true. I never should have cut my mullet. I mean, it was only a trim! But still.
Bruce: Tell you what. I’ll go oh-fer today.
Cole: Really? You’d do that? For me?
Cole: Thanks, man. This means a lot to me.
Bruce: I’m going to hit 3 HRs against that Andrew Miller gimp tomorrow though. Screw him.
Cole: Yeah, man. Sure. Whatever. Thanks again.
Bruce: Not a problem. (About to walk away; turns back.) By the way, your elbow’s a little wonky.
Cole: Really? I don’t feel –
Bruce: (waves hand) There you go. Don’t worry about it. See ya round kid.
Cole: See you — hey, where did he go?
New Glossary Entries
Click here for the full glossary.
Analcysts – Ex players hired by ESPN that provide discomfort for fellow baseball analysts and the viewing audience. Prone to obvious observations “Dunn is strong!” or circular arguments like “He’s a good player because he knows how to play good in situations where it’s important to be good. And that’s why he’s a good player.”
Cleveland Streamer – When a pitcher you picked up for a stream start craps all over your team’s stats. “I picked up Wakefield because he was going against the Royals and he gave me a Cleveland Streamer. It’s going to take a week to clean the mess he left on my ERA and WHIP.” (assist to Razzball commenter Hank)
Cuddle Boy – Relievers who are good with holds but fail anytime they try to close. See Rafael Betencourt, Kyle Farnsworth, the kid from American Virgin who pays for the abortion of a girl his friend knocked up and then, when she’s recovered, goes back to that guy.
FEMAs – Closers that are paid to provide relief but are woefully equipped. Rumored not to care about black people.
Flat-Billed Pitchypus – Rare species of pitcher whose hat brim is perfectly flat and either covers their full forehead – exposing only glaring eyes – or is tilted to the side. This species is prone to early success and a quick fade once the shock has warned off. See Dontrelle Willis, Chad Cordero.
Futility Player – Someone eligible for multiple positions but doesn’t warrant a starting position in any – e.g., Marlon Anderson, Brendan Ryan, Marco Scutaro, Ramon Vazquez etc. Tony LaRussa hearts these players.
Kazaams – Situations where talented closers are brought into a non-save situation and have no idea how to act.
Rip-Cord – Chad Cordero. Any team with him at this point in his career can only plummet. Pull him to ease your landing.
Roofie – A rookie pitcher who fails to deliver on their tremendous K potential and, instead, abuses your trust and violates your ERA and WHIP.
Wickmen – Joe Borowski, Todd Jones, etc. In honor of Bob Wickman.
When James Shields swung and missed his haymaker yesterday during the Sawx/Rays brawl, Coco should’ve totally spun him around and gave him a springboard splash to the solar plexus. Then once Shields was down, Coco could’ve laid him on top of the Spanish Announcer’s table and dropped the big ‘bow. But, alas…it was Coco Crisp not Koko B. Ware. Then three innings after the brawl, Manny tweaked a sore hammy and left the game. As he was limping through the dugout, Manny gave Youuuuuuuuk a solid shove. This was heard right before Manny shoved him. Youkilis, “You know with Big Papi on the DL…if you want to teach me the handshake you do with him, I could try to fill in…” Manny, “You’re not my real Papi! I hate you!” *shove* In the next inning, this transpired: Youk, “Sorry about that Manny. I have this extra Chupa Chup lollipop….” Manny, “Gimme! He he he… Thanks, Millar.” Youk, “We talked about this… My name is… Oh forget it.”
On David Ortiz going on the DL:
David Ortiz went straight from DH to the DL. If there was any justice, he’d have at least gotten some time at DJ. So this is our rap ode, a ’sixteen’ if you know what I mean and watch Miss Rap Supreme….
David Ortiz – you partially tore your tendon,
Ain’t no good for slapping, ain’t no good for bendin’,
You’re the Big Papi…suckaz all try to copy,
Your belly’s like Buddha’s, theirs is lookin’ all sloppy.
Now you’re out of my lineup – ay dios mio,
My smile is gone, mi corazon es frio,
Thought I’d pick up Lyle Overbay – homey, I gotcha
Maybe LaRoche, is that French for cucaracha?
Sexson and Millar and Dmitri and Barton,
Have been MIA so long, they be on a milk carton.
Maybe I’ll trade – give up some relief pitchin’,
But even if it works, other leaguemates be bitchin’.
I’m pouring some out of my forty – that shit be real fittin’
Because that was the total of homers I thought you’d be hittin’
Now I got none other than Mike Jacobs,
Here’s hoping the Sawx are rained out 60 straight — need makeups!