We realize that not everyone can handle a daily commitment to Razzball. So here’s the condensed brilliance from our site over the past week.
Barry Zito – 5 R in 2 IP. SI.com informs us he’s not provided adequate value for his large free agent contract. Thanks, SI.com. I guess it could be worse – they could’ve put him on the cover and jinxed him. That prevented a maple bat from shattering and slicing his guitar strumming hand. Hey, Zito — stubble is for winners!
Kevin Kouzmanoff/Chase Headley - Sore back that could land him on the DL. Headley started at 3rd and hit a HR. Yo, Kouz, you’ve been Pipp’d. (Now Headley just needs to start another 2129 straight games. Just in case, we should call him Biscuit Pants.)
Nomar Garciaparra – Hit a home run and is due to be back next week as the Dodgers SS. Sounds like everything’s going right for Nomar, but he looked glum after the game. When asked why, he said, “I forgot to make Mia lunch. She’s gonna kill me.” Aw, Nomar. That’s a sad emoticon for you.
Chase Utley – He is 0 for his last 20. Just as disturbing, a cat in Philadelphia was left stranded in a tree as a little girl cried for help. We still believe in ya, Chase. It’s just a bad week, Champ, right?
Brad Penny – Hit the DL yesterday. Here’s what Alyssa Milano’s MLB blog update said today, “I told him to stop eating all of those fried foods and late nite meals at Mel’s Diner. When I was preparing for the roll (sic) of Charlotte Wells in Embrace of the Vampire, I ate only soba noodles for 2 months straight! Do u think I wanted to eat so much soba noodles? Well, actually…. Yeah! I did! (Wouldn’t u?) But even if I thought soba noodles tasted gross, I’d still ate (sic) them if I thought they’d help me stay in shape. BTW, I wasn’t the one who gave you herpes! L8 and <3!
Carlos Zambrano – Left the game with an apparent injury to his shoulder. Maybe it was the 3.7 million pitches he’s thrown in the last year or two.
Livan Hernandez – Movie trailer guy, “In a world where Livan Hernandez looks like a good replacement for Johan Santana… He’ll baffle you with his eephus! He’ll take his time with each pitch! He’ll avoid the foul line when walking off the field! George Lopez is Livan Hernandez!”
Bill Bavasi – We have a guy from Seattle in our cash league that always ends up with Mariners and even he admits Bill Bavasi is god awful. Let’s count the ways. Sexson to a monster contract. A rotation that includes Washburn, Batista, and a $10MM/per Carlos Silva. Paying off Adrian Beltre after a career year. Jose Vidro at DH. Extension for a Japanese catcher that his pitchers don’t like throwing to. I’d let Bill Bavasi into any of my cash leagues next year…except for a Razzball one…he’s a natural.
Comment O’ The Week
“Hopefully Sidney Ponson just became the highest paid waiter at the Hard Rock Cafe.”
New Glossary Entries
Click here for the full glossary.
; (Semicolon) - Bartolo Colon. A punctuation mark signifiying a pregnant pause – one that should be taken literally and figuratively before starting this former Cy Young Award winner who is clearly half the pitcher he once was (talent-wise, anyway). (full credit to BaronVonVulturewins)
Disgraceful List – What DL stands for when a player goes on it after a conspicuously bad run of hitting/pitching. See V-Mart, Ian Snell.
Dr. Freeze – Nickname for Dr. James Andrews as anyone going to see him is going to be on ice for 12-18 months. Francisco Liriano went to Dr. Freeze in 2006 and he’s still not fully thawed. See Hangin’ With Teddy Ballgame. (assist to BSUjam).
Hangin’ With Teddy Ballgame – When a player gets hurt and is going to be on ice for a long time. “You can tell by the way the pitcher was clutching his elbow that he was going to be hanging’ with Teddy Ballgame for a year or so.” See Dr. Freeze.
Jockular Sphincteritis – Any injury from sack to back that initiates laughing and wincing at the same time. See Kaz Matsui’s anal fissures, Carlos Guillen’s raging hemorrhoids, Felix Pie’s testicular torsion (assist to KarlJ)
On Chein Ming being injured all summer Wang
Chien Ming Wang is out at least 6-10 weeks with a foot sprain. (Yes, Wang limp until September.) Drop Wang. Drop him now. Definitely a blow for the Yanks. (Yes, usually Wang takes blow, not dealt one.) If you were counting on him to pitch you to the fantasy pennant, you’ve got bigger issues. (Yes, your Wang problems are “big” issues.) Who are the Yankees turning to? Dan Giese. The new Yankee starter is a 31 year old phenom who has pitched for the Phillies and Giants affiliates the past two years. Did we say phenom? We meant journeyman. But he had been a reliever who was known to have good stuff. The Yanks made him a starter and his AAA numbers this year were fantastic – 59 IP, 1.98 ERA, 0.97 WHIP, 51/14 K/BB. Maybe he’s the next Aaron Small or Shawn Chacon? Or at least another Darrell Rasner.