Hello, friends and countrymen. Welcome to the number one place for your daily fantasy baseball roundup. Without further ado, as if that’s not ado enough, let’s get right to it. I figured it was about time to dedicate a lead to Jeremy Guthrie. Not exciting for you? How about this, all he does is throw quality starts. Seriously. That’s it. What else? Nothing. Quality starts. Get it yet? Quality. Starts. Quality Inn? No! Starts, of the quality variety. He’s tied for 2nd for the most quality starts in the majors. Those tied for first: Lincecum, Johan, Webb and Haren. I told you to pickup Guthrie on May 4th when Gallardo went down. Since then, 125 innings with a 2.92 ERA. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mike Lowell – To the DL. Oblique strain, but I think they’ve narrowed it down to somewhere in his stomach.
Joel Zumaya – To the DL with a sore right shoulder. Someone must have challenged him to a marathon session of Mario Kart and now this happens. Fernando Rodney should get the first look for saves now (as I write this, Farnsworth is probably saving a game. I keed.). Then guess who returns on Friday, Todd “Your Mother Throws Harder Than Me” Jones. You’re not jonesing for any of that, I tell ya!
Tom Gordon – Out for the season. Back date this to some time in April. Sorry, TG, but you’ve done nothing for a while. Cleats meet hook on the back of closet door. Closet door hook meet cleats.
Chipper Jones – Out of Wednesday lineup with a tummy ache. That whole “I’m playing every game this year” thing he said in April lasted a lot longer than either of us thought it would. The “us” being you and I. Hey you!
Braden Looper – I told you he’d be good this month. Dare I say, Looper’s been super.
Billy Wagner – Due back on Monday. The Mets pitching staff lets out a collective breath. Then Johan, “Wait, Wagner was crappy too.” The Mets pitchers sullenly nod their heads then Pedro Feliciano, “Johan, be happy. Like me.”
Delmon Young – HR yesterday for the second straight game. Somebody’s hot. Who? Delmon, ya’ll.
Jeff Samardzija – Word out of Wrigleyville is the Shark’s starting on Sunday.
Mike Gonzalez – Kazaam! Oh, wait, you kinda have to get the occassional saves to be considered a closer and to get Kazaam’d.
John Grabow – Got his third save. As I said the day before Marte was traded (Ms. Cleo, bitches!), Grabow would get the bulk of the saves. Yates-Schmates.
Tim Lincecum – Said he’ll make his next start. Guess we gotta believe him, though my first inclination is not to.
Chris Perez – Got the save. I try to watch all teams, but sometimes I miss certain players while I flip around Direct TV. Anyway, I saw Perez last night for the first time. Wild at times, but he’s a major league closer.
Ryan Braun – The Hebrew Hammer (BTW, can you imagine Prince Fielder calling Ryan Braun that? About as likely as Bill Gates calling Warren Buffett, “T-Bone.”) says he’s feeling better and should be back by the weekend.
Vernon Wells – Grand slam yesterday. Could have a solid final month and a half, but keep in mind his last huge month was two years ago.
Jorge Campillo – FYI, just so you know, for what it’s worth, I’m bailing. It was good while it lasted, but you gotta know when to hold them and know when to…
CC Sabathia – 114 pitches in 7 innings. All that work Dusty Baker did mentoring Yost and he pulls him after seven?! What happened with changing his name to CG?!
Russell Martin – As his slump drags on, he’s dropped to the 8 hole. Torre batted Posada 6th through thick and thin. Guess we know which restaurant Torre eats at in the food court — Sbarro!