So, some of you may be asking, where’s the Photoshop yo? With or without the ‘yo’ maybe. I don’t judge. But yes, that would be a great a question, seeing as how there is no picture located north of this paragraph. A better question would be, how did you get so spoiled? It’s not my fault Photoshop went buggy on me. So instead of crowing one of my pieces of artwork upon these Daily Fantasy Notes, I will try to create a solid, if not spectacular lede for all your fine lady and gentlemen.
Yes, Grey likes to mention we have at least three or four female readers, but I think my estimate of a non-pluralized ‘lady’, which, according to my math, equals one, or perhaps even less than one is closer to the real number. How can I be so sure? Well, it’s probably because I’m not counting our mothers.
So, can you tell I have no idea what to lede about? Seriously. I have nothing, nadda. Zilch. Could it be because another baseball season is almost in the books? Or is it because I want to nap? Why not both? But yes, as the title establishes, we have very little time left. And that I also like The Doors. There is one more week of baseball left, and on an even sadder note, there is only one more Saturday left for us to gather and speak of Friday night baseball. Always remember that I will look upon these times with awe. Especially this specific instance, where I actually was able to write a lede based on nothing. So yay me! (All complaints are to be forwarded to Photoshop.) Here’s what I noticed yesterday…
Norichika Aoki — 4-for-4, 3 runs. An Aoki night if you ask me!
Starlin Castro — 1-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, and his 10th homerun. I don’t believe in the season Castro just had and I refuse to acknowledge it.
Jhoulys Chacin — 6.0 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 0 Ks. I can’t figure out if his first name is spelled phonetically or if it would be easier if it was spelled phonetically. Like the chicken and the egg. But not really.
Bartolo Colon — 6.0 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (no walks), 8 Ks. I would have loved to do a colon joke here, but really, are colon’s funny? Even if we expand to include both the punctuation mark and the integral part of our digestive system, there really is nothing here to lol about. So I’ll just mention that ‘olo’ appears both in his first and last name, which, according to Scandinavian legend, was the name of the son of King Fridleif. Who was a cousin of Helgi, who was the Hrothgar of Beowulf. Fascinating… if not spectacularly un-useful.
David DeJesus — 4-for-8, 1 run, 2 RBIs. I’m surprised he lasted the entire game without getting traded.
Robbie Erlin — 7.2 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. If I remember the saying correctly, it’s ‘the early bird gets the worm’. So, here, it’s ‘the Erlin bird gets the wormin’. Which, in this case, I have no idea what I’m saying. Is that a dance move? Regardless, probably netted the best match-up in the history of not just baseball, but man itself. The Dodgers starting lineup had a combined -0.9 WAR.
Nick Franklin — 3-for-5, 1 run. — Now hitting a robust .222 on the year. Not exactly what we were expecting, and while his career is young, the production is starting to match the mediocre scouting reports.
Freddie Freeman — 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homerun. Sometimes I feel like Freeman is both underrated and overrated. What does that even mean? Is he young? Yes. Is he good? Eh, sure? Is he great? No. Will he get any better? Probably not. So I guess that’s what I mean. Thanks for making me explain it. Sheesh.
Kevin Gregg — 1.0 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K. Yup. Everything is back to normal in Kevin Gregg-land. He had me worried there for half the season, but by bunching all of the implosion into as few innings as possible, just so considerate and really makes up for lost time.
Cole Hamels — 7.0 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners (no walks, but I’m not sure that it matters when you give up 10 hits…), 8 Ks. The mere fact that Cole Hamels has the word ‘Ham’ in his name has me rooting for him at all times. If his name was simply Cole Ham-in-my-mouth, GAME OVER bro. And ignore how sexual that sounds. Shhhh.
Desmond Jennings — Was scratched from the lineup due to neck stiffness. Stiffness hunh? This fruit is hanging way too low.
Kyle Kendrick — Has been shut down for the rest of the season from shoulder tendinitis. Like a tree falling in the forest, if Kendrick misses the rest of the season, does anyone notice? And what’s up with a falling tree? And why am I asking myself all of these questions?
Mat Latos — 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. If you missed it, last week, I came to the conclusion that Mat Latos is spelling his name wrong because he misplaced his ‘t’s’. So, really, his name might be Matt Laos. But if we are to accept that premise, we must also allow the possibility that he could actually be named Ma Lattos. Which makes even less sense. So I’m glad we travel these journeys together.
Jon Lester — 7.0 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. I’m not sure why, but I always think of Uncle Fester, from the Addams Family, when I see Jon Lester’s name. Which then leads me to think of Doc Brown from Back to the Future. Then, as you would expect, I immediately go to Kruge from Star Trek III: The Search For A Way To Bring Back Spock Because Ooops. Two conclusions here. First, yes, this is not a normal train of thought. Second, if this is where the train is going, is it really that bad?
Tim Lincecum — 6.2 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. He’s kind of settled as being very mediocre with some strikeout ability. A far cry from what he once was, but the advanced metrics leave room for some regression. You see what I’m saying here? Sleeper next year, quite possibly. Or not. Hedging, but I’d go for it. Maybe. Sorta.
Francisco Liriano — 8.0 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Like A.J. Burnett, I covered their incredible seasons in the last Bear/Bull series. Why am I mentioning this? Because I’m like the Bono of Fantasy Baseball. In fact, click that link twice just to be safe.
David Price — 5.0 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. The Price was not right. Sort of just meh. But be sure to spay and neuter your pets.
Erasmo Ramirez — 6.0 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Remember the days when we thought Erasmo Ramirez was going to be a difference maker this year? Maybe we confused him with Danny Salazar? They both have Spanish names after all. Totally different pitchers, different teams, they don’t even look alike, but if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen them all. Note: Use this joke when the players actually are named Juan…
Hanley Ramirez — Don Mattingly, aka, Ex-mustache Man of Mystery, aka, Expert Discipliner, aka, Full-Time ManBearPuig Handler, has declared that Hanley Ramirez will only play in three or four games for the remainder of the season. Adjust accordingly.
Anthony Rizzo — 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Great year buddy. I appreciate it.
I give you, Anthony Rizzo’s year in GIF form…
Alex Rodriguez — 1-for-4, 1 run, 4 RBIs, and his 7th homerun. Set the Grand Slam record. Unfortunately, there was no cross promotion to feed me Denny’s. So this is what they call depression.
Darin Ruf – 1-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBI’s. Ahh, Ruf, just the way your mother likes it Trebek. I don’t care if I’ve used that line before. In fact, it’s really the only reason why I mention Darin Ruf. I hope he does something next Friday so I can do it again.
CC Sabathia — 7.0 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. If something ever happened to either Sabathia or Pablo Sandoval, I’m not sure what I would do with myself and my collection of fat jokes. Oh, wait. Nevermind. There’s always Prince Fielder. He’s so fat, that when he puts on eye-black, he uses a paint roller. HURRRR.
Max Scherzer — 6.0 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Great year buddy. I appreciate it. (Unlike Rizzo’s blurb, which was at Sarcasm Alert: Red.)
I give you, Max Scherzer’s year in GIF form…
Alfonso Soriano — 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 33rd homerun. Remember when I said this? “Coincidence that he’s hit a home run every Friday since I started covering the weekend shift? Well, yeah, of course. What, you think I have some kind of super power that allows him to hit a home run every Friday, but only on the days that I write Daily Notes? What kind of stupid power is that? I want to fly. Or throw trains.” So yeah, this is getting kinda freaky. I’m not really going to test the whole flying thing or picking up a moving train, but if you do own Soriano, you may call me– hero!
Denard Span — 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Oh my, a Denard Span sighting? It’s been, like what, the whole season? *Flips through post history. Yep, pretty much.
B.J. Upton and Justin Upton — 1-for-4, 1 run. As you know, if you’ve been spending your Saturday’s lurking here, I’ve been combining the Upton brother’s lines since they both belong in the same category. I call that category — the Jacksonville Jaguars.
This is what would happen if the Upton brothers were pizza.
If you don’t know where this comes from, you’re dead to me.
Neil Walker — 1-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, and his 12th homerun. What? A Denard Span AND Neil Walker sighting? What’s next? Stigmata?
Jered Weaver – Was scratched from his scheduled start with tightness in his forearm. I know that feel man. Just look at my browsing history.
Jayson Werth — 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Certainly proving his Werth these last few months, amiright? *High-five. Hey, hey bro, don’t leave me hanging. Right here, up top buddy. High-five me now. NOW. Sigh. I hate my life.
David Wright — 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, and his 17th homerun. Sans the hamstring issue, has put up a great year. Eager to see where he’s drafted next season.
Jordan Zimmermann — 9.0 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks. The Nationals have one of the best schedules to end the season, so I’m buying everything they have for the stretch run.
Jaywrong is a 30-year old Korish writer who finds solace using Makers Mark as a vehicle to impress women, and also has an affinity for making Jennifer Lawrence GIFs. You can follow him @jaywrong, read his blog Desultory Thoughts of a Longfellow, or, you can find his GIFs at his tumblr, named Siuijeonseo.