…what it is ain’t exactly clear. You gotta stop, doctor, take an MRI, see if any ligaments gone awry. Cause this is just more signs of a local Harper unravelin’. His hustlin’ got my ass wondering where Chris Colabello is in all of this crisis. Harper had game. We had Bryce Harper‘s game. Behind the game. Ah, you didn’t know it was gonna be the Public Enemy remix. You know, hustle is a’ight when you’re trying to keep your honey in check. Or when you’re trying to make an airplane that leaves in fifteen minutes and you have to do a number two in the airport bathroom before you get on the plane. Hustling to such an extreme that it knocks you to the DL at least once a year is not cool. You’re out of control, peckerwood! It sounds like he could miss as much as two months, but official word on how long he’s gonna be out has not come out yet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Wilson Ramos – Could return on May 5th. That’s Cinco de Mayo, which has nothing to do with mayonnaise for those in the Midwest.
Tanner Roark – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Mr. Roark’s making all of his owners fantasies come true.
Nate McLouth – 1-for-3 and a homer. Should see the at-bats vs. right handers while Harper is out with Steven Souza seeing lefties. Souza’s a bit more interesting, but I wouldn’t go tooting a tuba-sized instrument over him, since he won’t be playing that often (at least not initially). McLousy will have some value in very deep leagues where you just need ABs, but he’s batting an un-robust .118. Robustless? Nobust? Flatchested?
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. He didn’t do great in his rehab games, but the Padres were encouraged by the hard contact he made. Of course, the Padres are encouraged when anyone makes any kind of contact. Maybin is a must-own in most leagues for his speed and power combo, think 7-10 homers, 20-25 steals. He probably won’t hit for a high average or stay healthy. That’s so Maybin!
Chris Denorfia – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal as he bats .338. What better way to pay me back for all my knowledge and handsomeness than to pick up a guy who has the same name as my high school crush, so you can use and abuse him for his stats and then drop him when he gets cold. “Chris Denorfia, this is for not letting Grey get a piece!” That’s you dropping him when he gets cold.
Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Nationals. The FBI is looking into connections between the mafia and yesterday’s start by Kennedy.
Jean Segura – Now that A-Rod is out of baseball is there a spot for a new ‘most hated man in the sport’ and Ryan Braun is making a run at it? Is there an off-Broadway staged re-interpretation of Rocky IV happening and Braun is going out for the role of Ivan Drago? Who swings a bat into the dugout?! Baseball Rules: No pepper games allowed, don’t Icy/Hot a man’s jockstrap and don’t swing a bat into the dugout, then everything else. C’mon, Braun, you don’t roll heads on Shabbos! The Brewers are saying Segura doesn’t have a concussion or fracture, but he needs plastic surgery and should be back shortly. Maybe Jon Niese can recommend a plastic surgeon.
Ryan Braun – Sat out yesterday with what the Brewers are calling an intercostal strain, but we all know it’s Jewish guilt. He says it’ll only sideline him for 3-5 days, but it sounds like a DL stint is in the works, and I don’t mean ‘the works’ as in he’s gonna get covered in chili, relish, onions and kraut.
Wily Peralta – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. You probably expected more from him, but on the bright side, at no point this weekend did he walk behind Braun. Go into the on-deck circle to take practice swings, you nuckfut!
Starlin Castro – 3-for-4 and two solo homers. In the preseason, ESPN ranked Castro in front of Segura and I said it was that of a crazy person’s rantings. I’d still take Segura over Castro and their respective first months couldn’t have went in more different directions. Segura could hit 10 homers and steal 35 bases the rest of the way, Castro will be lucky to have 15 homers and 7 steals. Castro, the number four hitter for the Cubs, won’t get more counting stats than Segura, no matter where he’s bouncing around in the Brewers lineup, assuming Braun stops playing Duck, Duck, Seriously Duck!
Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 2.08. You know the rush you get when you put on a wig, rent a Zipcar and pick up a prostitute? Well, you won’t get the same rush picking up Hammel, but he should still be owned.
Krispie Young – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. After his other homer on Thursday, I told you he gets smoking hot and this annotation is meant to reenforce. By the by, you ever hear ANNOtation? Like AWOLnation but more self-referential.
Dillon Gee – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 KS, down to a 2.88 ERA. Dillon Gee should be the number one example used by fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) to describe a number four fantasy starter but isn’t even owned in most leagues (35% of ESPN leagues — really? Really, Seth Myers?).
Masahiro Tanaka – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 11 Ks. Weird, his stuff gave me the impression that he was a young Kuroda-type. Solid control, and less Ks per nine. Yeah, that doesn’t look like him at all. He’s been more Yu than Yu’ll ever know. Not only is he striking out guys at a top five SP rate (11.6 K/9), but he has better control than Yu (not as much yesterday) with a 1.51 BB/9. Still too early to say this is who he is, but even if he loses two Ks per nine, he’s a top 15 starter easily. Right now, he’s top 5. Zoinks!
Garrett Richards – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, 2.53 ERA on the year. His walk rate on the year is still a bit scary, but really hasn’t done a whole lot to not be trusted in almost all leagues. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t hate his next start and I could see it.
Chris Davis – To the DL with a strained oblique and it sounds like he might need around three weeks to recover. Hopefully you have better options than the Orioles, who are now playing Nick Markakis at 1st. Buck Showalter said, “I bet Joe Torre couldn’t do better!”
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. “Look this way, snitches –> 29 other teams couldn’t use that?????!!!!” That was an email that the NSA intercepted from Scott Boras.
Omar Infante – 2-for-3, 6 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Take it to the crib! That’s the chorus for Omar’s breakout song in his native Venezuela, “Don’t Wean This Infante.”
Norichika Aoki – 2-for-5, 3 runs. Has two hits in each of his last 3 games, and will probably be hitting .286 by May 1st, which is his career average. Yup, big slump from him, huh?
Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 4th steal. He was in Friday’s Buy, and he should be owned in 100% of leagues until Cain…Sugar! is back on the field.
James Shields – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.03. Shields makes Boring Good look Boring Exciting. He’s the guy you don’t care about in drafts and he just gives you 220 IP, 200 Ks and a low 3 ERA. Yawn, that’s really solid, why are you yawning?
Julio Teheran – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, 1.47 ERA and a 0.93 WHIP on the year. Wanna see a person who is never happy or who doesn’t own Teheran? Find the person in the comments who worries what is wrong with Teheran because he’s not striking out enough guys. Of course, I want him to strikeout more guys, but that’s easily fixed — just pick up a middle reliever. From Rudy’s article on maximizing innings pitched, “Maximizing a team’s IP is the #1 most effective way to improve your fantasy team’s pitching success that is completely in your control in daily roster change leagues.” And that’s me quoting Rudy! Yesterday, I had Teheran and Jordan Walden in my active roster, so I didn’t get five Ks from the Braves game, I got 7 Ks. Also, from Rudy’s article, “If you do not have the time/stomach to maximize team IP and some people in your league do, DO NOT JOIN THAT LEAGUE.” Rudy’s caps, not mine. But I AGREE.
Brandon Morrow – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, no hits and three of those earned runs were given up by Chad Jenkins who relieved him. Morrow wasn’t even hurt and he got pulled while he was in the middle of a no hitter. Just really bad luck that they have such a quick hook there in Toronto. Just a different game being played out there from when you and I were kids *intern whispers in my ear* He gave up 8 walks in less than 3 innings?! Jesus Guzman, that’s awful!
R.A. Dickey – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks and his ERA is at 5.09, which is also his jeans, but don’t tell Braun or he’ll crack him with a bat in the Dickey.
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Has still been fair to middling in the average department, but with three homers in the last week, he’s a batting average hot streak away from being a top ten 3B and so far he’s been better than Miggy, Castellanos, Seager and Mostsuckass on our Player Rater.
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .345. The Melk Man still hasn’t cooled off from his early season surge. The question is, will he? Over his last 1572 ABs, he’s hitting .315. That’s not a small sample size. That’s what she said! Huh?
Anibal Sanchez – Hit the DL with a laceration on his middle finger. I.e., he’s giving his fantasy owners the bird. Filling in for him should be Robbie Ray, who hates being called Robert Raymond. Robbie Ray was acquired in the Fister deal with the Nats and has a 1.93 ERA in Triple-A so far with solid control but iffy strikeouts. He looks pretty marginal for mixed leagues, but obviously everyone’s fair game in AL-Only leagues.
Hisashi Iwakuma – Set to return on May 2nd vs. the Asstros. That’s this Friday. But whatever, April Grey will be sipping umbrella drinks in Cartagena by then.
Matt Harrison – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. His last name reminded me of when I had a mustache in the 3rd grade and they used to say, “You hairy, son!” Any the hoo! I’m not a fan of Harrison, his K-rate is straight yawnstipating. Or st8 yawnstip8ing, if there’s 13-year-olds reading.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homers. His hot hitting is going to make it much harder for you to irrationally drop him.
Francisco Liriano – Left Saturday’s start with the flu after experiencing dizziness. WebMD says he could have a stroke, but WebMD says that for everything.
Edinson Volquez – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Did Francisco Liriano give his stroke-flu to Ray Searage? Conspiracy minds want to know.
Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA is at 1.20. Adam is the number one man. Bible.
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-2, 4 RBIs and two homers (5, 6), hitting .195, which looks good compared to Allen Craig’s .177. What happened to the Cardinals magic of making a chocolate fountain out of diarrhea?
Collin McHugh – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Here’s what I said last time, “I thought Collin McHugh was a Merchant-Ivory repertory player. McHugh has floated around the minors, putting up solid numbers, only to get the mallet dropped on his watermelon Gallagher-style when he’s reached the majors. He could be anywhere from a 9+ K-rate to a 5+, a 1+ BB/9 to a 3+ or a 2+ ERA to a 8 + ERA. If he falters again, McHugh’s you snooze. If he breaks out, McHugh’s you lose.” And that’s me quoting me! He was a decent prospect at one point, and I’d be willing to pick up McHugh in deeper mixed leagues. Fo’ instance, I grabbed him in a 15-team league.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He hit the homer ball from his shoe tops, which is about three inches from his waist.
Danny Salazar – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Before we start reaching around on each other or the female equivalent for our four girl readers, Salazar was out-pitched by Ryan Vogelsong (7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks), who’s looked like vomit until this game. As I’ve been saying, Salazar might’ve been tipping his pitches, and after his last start, he read Razzball and said the same thing, so maybe that was the problem and he’s corrected it. If you held him, the Stream-o-Nator loves his next start, and I would start him again.
Yan Gomes – 1-for-3 and his third homer. Hey, it’s my Devin Mesoraco fill-in! Thanks, Devin Mesoraco fill-in, say hello to your mother for me!
Brandon Hicks – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. A bit of a hot schmotato right now, but he is usually hot garbage like one would find left out for the garbage collectors in the Sahara.
Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks. No one was around to investigate McCarthy because all the FBI’s resources were still looking into Kennedy.
Ben Revere – 2-for-4, 1 run and a steal, hitting .312 and is about the hottest schmotato in the land. Now hitting around .450 in the last week and has nine steals. To put that in perspective, Billy Hamilton is hitting .221 with 9 steals.
A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, 2.15 ERA. He should faux retire every year. Oh, wait, he does.
David Price – 6 IP, 6 ER, and his ERA is up to 4.75. I’m not going to mention that I told everyone repeatedly to not draft Price. There’s no point in recalling that.
Adam Eaton – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .282. He has one homer, two steals, and is owned in almost 96% of leagues. I don’t hate him, so don’t take this the wrong way, but is he better than, say, Matt Joyce, Lessobvious’s number three hitter who is only owned in 35% of leagues and is batting .350?
Scott Carroll – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Didn’t Scott Carroll play Flick in A Christmas Story? No? That’s too bad. It would give him some value for fantasy leagues. Even if just for novelty value.
Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-3, 1 runs. Still hitting (.367), but his defense is offensive. He botched a routine fly ball and then didn’t even go after it as it passed him. It reminded me of Little League play, except after the inning was over Viciedo didn’t stick a hot pretzel out his zipper to try to scare girls, so I know it wasn’t Little League.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. The Grande Dolor! In related news, Frank Thomas was in Cuba this weekend, plotting with Fidel on how to return Abreu.
Hanley Ramirez – Didn’t start due to a thumb bruise, but will likely return on Tuesday. Ever wonder why Wednesday wasn’t named Threesday? Maybe it’s me.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 5 IP, 6 ER. This start made me think of Through the Wire by Kanye. Ryu looked like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky, it was televised. There’s been an accident like GEICO. His ERA is burnt up like Pepsi did Michael, I must got an angel cause I didn’t draft Ryu, missed his ass.
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .407. There’s no rush, so I wouldn’t put Ted Williams’s head in a microwave yet, but I would take it out of the freezer to start to defrost it.
Josh Rutledge – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. I told you he’d be good (about 14 months too soon).
Michael Cuddyer – Said that he hasn’t felt any improvement in his hamstring in the ten days since he injured himself. Cuddyer said, “It’s just this niggling pain.” Then Charlie Blackmon turned and said, “Oh, no, you didn’t just say that.”