Six days ago, the Rays said they have no plans to call up Wil Myers. Six days ago, the Rays lied. They might’ve just lied to make Jim Bowden look stupid. While I appreciate that, Bowden rides around on a Segway, so the Rays were piling on. About two weeks ago, I gave you my Wil Myers fantasy. Lets’ not recapitulate any of that, okay? Let’s not talk about how Myers could hit 20 homers in two-thirds of a season. Or how Myers could hit .280 with solid counting stats. If you want to read about the risk of rookies, go to that post and read that. I’m not here to talk about how Myers is the number one prospect call-up or how he’s worthwhile in all mixed leagues, but won’t be Mike Trout. I’m not going to talk about any of that. Dah! I just did, didn’t I? Damn, you fooled me! Myers is the kind of player that probably has the most value right now. He’s going to be a top round fantasy guy. Eventually. Yes, I just did the douchey one word sentence thing. Right now, he’s around a 4th outfielder. Of course, he’s draped in glorious upside. You could yell at him the same way you do to a Home Depot employee, “Hey, Toolsy!” For the future, he reminds me of an in-his-prime Matt Holliday. He’s a 30-ish homer, 15-ish steal guy with a solid average. Eventually. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Alex Cobb – Alex got Cobbered off the melon on Saturday, but he’s fine. The Rays placed him on the 7-day concussion DL with no timetable for returning. Maybe at some point MLB will put two and two together to realize a 7-day DL for an injury that takes weeks and sometimes months to recover from may not be that intelligent. Just a matter of common sense penetrating Selig’s toupee.
Alcides Escobar – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hopefully this is a sign that he’s coming out of his funk. Going into yesterday’s game, he was hitting .174 in the month of June after hitting .227 in May. Moustakas and Alcides have been giving you the fenugreek, which is a fancy way of saying FU en Greek.
Billy Butler – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and is now homerless since May 14th. Luckily, he hasn’t been bra-less.
Stephen Strasburg – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was activated from the DL. Solid start back, but had the tough assignment of going against Corey Kluber. And that sentence is a Googlewhack.
Anthony Rendon – 3-for-4 and a big weekend for Rendon, going 7-for-12 with his first homer. Wouldn’t be surprised if Espinosa gets Pipp’d, and I don’t mean I have Great Expectations for Espinosa.
Oliver Perez – The Mariners went the unconventional route for their first save post-Wilhelmsen with Perez, the crazy hot chick. He’s unhittable…wow, his stuff is nasty…hey, why is he keying my car? Capps gave up 2 runs yesterday and Perez got the save on Friday, so that’s all I need to see to go with only Perez on my teams. Pray for me, this could get ugly real fast.
Josh Reddick – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. No reason why he should still be on waivers in any league. No reason I should have to keep saying that either. Don’t make me repeat myself. And that’s me quoting me! There is no C. Hot schmotato!
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Okay, but in the last ten days, his average fell 23 points, and he’s hitting under .250 in June.
Seth Smith – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Theet!
Brandon Moss – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and third homer in the last 4 games. A rolling Moss gathers much stats.
Jon Lester – 5 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks. You’ll at least be able to tell your lady friend that you’re, “Just so angry because Lester’s xFIP was low,” then you can explain you don’t know what xFIP stands for by saying, “I’m not some dork!” and your lady friend can roll her eyes.
Mike Carp – Left yesterday game with a hamstring cramp. More like a pesky m cramping Carp.
Will Middlebrooks – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Guessing he has more than 9 hits all year, but I would just be guessing.
Jason Hammel – Probably won’t make his next start due to a stomach virus. Seems whatever has been plaguing his pitching is now affecting his stomach because he can’t keep anything down.
Nick Markakis – 4-for-5, 3 runs. Solid bounce back year so far, because for a few years there I thought he was Nick Macarcass.
Danny Valencia – 2-for-4, and a seven game hitting streak. Unfortch, that’s over the whole month of June, so the guy with a disco name is strictly a match-ups play.
Clayton Richard – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K in Petco, to lower his season ERA to 7.01. This was his worst start of the year in his season-long game of dodge ball that he’s been playing with opposing hitters’ bats.
Kyle Blanks – 3-for8 with two homers in the last two days. Get ______ now!
Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. The Stream-o-Nator was very high on this start, which makes sense because it was in Petco, but considering Kennedy has a 5+ ERA, I’m not even sure why you own him.
Austin Jackson – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (6). For the good people who pray for your speed and power, take your handlebar accelerator and rev, Jackson.
Torii Hunter – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Torii, showing how you dot the eyes!
Alex Avila – 2-for-3, 1 run. First hits in a week, as he hits .172. What happened to this young brother? He went from geek to totally chic to nothing.
Joaquin Benoit – Earned the 1 1/3 IP save yesterday after the dreaded closer endorsement of Valverde on Friday. Benoit was fine as the closer earlier in the year, only to be replaced by a guy who wasn’t good last year for the Tigers. If you can wrap your brain around that one, you’re a smarter man than me and my IQ is like in the 8-9 range (IQ is measured 1-10, right?). I’d hold Benoit and Valverde, because Leyland’s yellow-stained mitts still haven’t decided anything.
B.J. Upton – 1-for-4, 1 RBI and had a double slam (8) and legs on Saturday. I’m not even married yet, but I’m already thinking about buying B.J. Can’t imagine he hits .167, or within fifty points of that on the year. Could get crazy hot and be near 25 homers and 25 steals on the year, and right now he’s at 8/5.
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, 3.36 ERA. Now that Beachy’s had a setback, the Braves don’t have to make a decision who moves to the bullpen or gets sent down. Unless an injury hits, starting to look to me like Beachy might go into long relief for the Braves for a month or so while the Braves wait for someone to stumble. I wait for the Braves move with bated breath. Or baited if you have a hook through your lip.
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks as he was activated from the DL. A show of hands for how many people think Cueto will be injured again within a month? Okay, no need for jazz hands.
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, 1 run and has a hit in his last six games. (That’s a sneaky way of saying he’s hitting below .300 in the last week. Less sneaky when I point it out, unless you have parenthetical blindness.)
Jonathan Lucroy – 2-for-4, and hitting .500 in the last week. I know a lot of you like to keep your catchers all year — or for about three days at a time until a different catcher goes 2-for-3, but Lucroy’s a guy to grab.
Jered Weaver – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks. Are we sure it’s not Jeff Weaver pitching? Someone’s done a DNA test on this? I’m the Oliver Stone of fantasy baseball ‘perts!
Hector Santiago – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Astros. Not a terrific start, but I’m holding him for his next start, i.e., Santiago was Chile today, hopefully hot tamale.
Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer to go with his 7 steals. I understand Pence shuffling around wearing tissue boxes for sandals and urinating in milk bottles, but De Aza should be lapping him in steals.
Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4, 1 run and hitting over .350 in the last week. Not to get all philosophical, but if you yell Beckham is a hot schmotato, does anyone hear it?
Jason Castro – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Member when the only Castro you wanted was Starlin? Whatever, no fidelis Castro!
Jose Altuve – 1-for-4, run and his third steal in the last four games. He’s Snow White’s eighth dwarf, Speedy.
Yasiel Puig – 3-for-4, 1 run and his 1st steal. Mattingly said Puig will stay with the team even when Kemp and Crawford are both healthy. Ethier knew he had problems when he’d go to bat and the Dodgers started playing Elliot Smith songs off the Either/Or album.
Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. Ugh. Or as Thelma from Scooby Doo would say, Greinkes! He just looks off, or still hurt. I don’t have high hopes right now. His K-rate is poor and he hasn’t been getting unlucky. Maybe he’ll figure things out and have a solid 2nd half, but I have this pit in my stomach that we’re going to get a sub-par season from Greinke. Then again, I just ate a whole peach.
Gerrit Cole – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. Hey, no walks is a cool trick — it’s an illusion, but no Ks leaves me wanting a different pitcher off of waivers. I’m giving Cole one more start. If I get another start that I could get from, say, Joe Saunders, then I’m moving on.
Alex Presley – 3-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Rudy picked him up due to the Hitter-Tron‘s recommendation. Rudy also caught the HItter-Tron touching himself to the movie, Short Circuit. Presley will get the Marte at-bats while he tends to a rib cage injury. Such a fine line for baseball players when they’re hitting in a cage.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Ten days ago I said he’d hit five homers. He got the five homers. Cool, he can stop now since I don’t own him.
Chase Utley – Took batting practice without incident. Incidentally, he’s due back in a week.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks as he was out-pitched in Coors by Jhoulys Chacin (8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks). As bad as Hamels has been, I’d take him over Greinke at this point. At least Hamels is getting Ks and has been a tad unlucky. In the grand scheme of things, I don’t want either right now.
Wilin Rosario – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, as he bats .257. He’s on pace for 25 homers and people want to drop him. Seriously, dubya tee eff?
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer to take over the NL lead in homers from Domonic Brown. We’ve got a Brownout, which only sounds like a sexually deviant term.
Nick Swisher – Could land on the DL. His sideburns want to play through it. Damn, facial hair is manly.
Corey Kluber – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. I’m a recent Kluber convert. Or a Konvert. I’m spinning a glow stick and wearing a glow-in-the-dark pacifier around my neck cause that’s how people down with Kluber do. When he took down the Nats yesterday, he started screaming, “The little man don’t wanna come to me. Then I’ll come to you people to lay out the truth. I am ranked number one streamer. ONE! That means I’m the best!” That’s Kluber, mang. He’s sporting a terrific K and walk rate and a more than manageable xFIP. No reason to not own him for his next start vs. the Twins.
Adam Lind – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. You should’ve picked him up two weeks ago when I first told you. Now Adam’s apple of someone else’s eye.
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-4, 2 runs and a homer. If he hits a home run tomorrow on the short schedule day, it’ll be his fourth straight day with a homer. Yeah, Rasmus is doing more than just hitting them when everyone else is siesta-ing, but he’s not doing a whole lot more than hitting homers (.230 with four homers in the last week).
J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer and 2nd day in a row with a homer. Everything’s fine with J.P. or his name wouldn’t be Just Peachy.
Mark Teixeira – MRI on his wrist showed only inflammation. A DL stint could still be in the cards, or in the Yanks, as the case may be.
CC Sabathia – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, moving his ERA to 3.93. He left with a 6-0 lead, but then Robertson and Rivera turned it into a tight 6-5 game. Yankee fans watching this were singing, CC and The Pitching Factory’s Gonna Make You Sweat.
Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks then got the no decision because boom went the Marmol. Love seeing this from Garza, but before we put on dresses and start looking up each others’ skirts, it was in Metco.
Marlon Byrd – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer in the last ten games. How’s dem apples? Sour? Ryght?
Tyler Lyons – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER vs. the MIA Marlins. For this, I ask you like a nobleman, you refuse to life in concord with Wacha? For this? Lyons is refuse, gentlemen and gentle four ladies. Hmm, maybe I should take off this powdered wig. It’s altering my priggishness.
Placido Polanco – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .237. I’d say he’s overdue, but then someone might think I’m advocating picking him up, but two gerunds in a row confuses me and now I need a nap. *claps hands* I’m back!
Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 8th steal, now batting .224. This weekend I went to an Italian restaurant and they brought Parmesan to the table, and said this is ‘Justin Ruggiano.’ I asked if it could hit .250, then the waiter punched me.
Ricky Nolasco – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. It was a good weekend to be a Marlins pitcher, and not just because Loria passed out 20% off Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons for Father’s Day. BTW, since all bats are pink for Mother’s Day, for Father’s Day, shouldn’t all bats be painted to look like penises?