The A’s promoted Chris Carter. Too bad Chris Carter wasn’t around when Mulder was pitching for the A’s. Then they could’ve had Scully call the game. Chris Berman looked at his stats and says, “All Chris Carter does is hit home runs!” which means he’ll kill your average, won’t steal bases, and probably won’t help your runs and RBIs. Back in January, Chris Carter said this about playing with the A’s out of spring training, “I’m still thinking it’s my job to lose, basically. It’s a business. They want to win and make the team better.” That isn’t as great a quote as, “Who are you, Karim Garcia? I do not know you,” but it’s still pretty solid. It’s like you go into a job interview and say, “If you want the burgers to get flipped right, I’ll get hired. What, you want crap burgers?” Unfortunately, Carter was in Make Believe Land hanging with the Easter Bunny. It was not his job to lose. In the preseason, I said, “This Chris Carter looks like Ryan Howard. In every possible way. He strikes out a lot. He hits a lot of homers. He talks to Turtle about tequila. He weighs 230+ el-bees. He stands six foot five. He once finished off a grand slam 7 hours after the last pitch of a game thanks to Denny’s.” And that’s me quoting me! Further in my Chris Carter fantasy, I gave him the line of 35/22/55/.225/3 in 400 ABs and said he’d be called up on June 1st. He missed a month of that, so now I’ll revise it to 30/17/40/.235. I.e. great in AL-Only leagues, not so much in mixed leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Joe Mauer – Out with back stiffness. Him and Morneau should be like Rene Russo and Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. Only instead of comparing battle scars, they show ailments. “That’s no strained oblique! This is a strained oblique!”
Jesus Montero – Was benched in the minor leagues for lack of enthusiasm. Said teammate Judas Outlander, “Jesus thinks he walks on water. Like he’s some sort of martyr for playing in Triple-A vs. being in the bigs.”
Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Well, he’s supposed to regress. Key words, supposed to.
Alex Presley – The king of Pirate prospects is being called up to DH next week. Can’t imagine he sticks around longer than that because of the crowded outfield. In NL-Only leagues, it’s worth a short term flyer. He profiles like a 12/20 guy over the course of a season. Hits and runs like McCutchen, looks more like McLovin’.
Brett Lawrie – The Jays announced he’s out until August. Maybe they read Razzball because when he was first hurt I said he’d be out until August. But I write my posts at a Holiday Inn Express.
Jemile Weeks – 1-for-3, 2 steals and hit leadoff. Without you knowing, I quietly pulled back on my Weeks love earlier this week. I also drank your milk straight from the carton. My bad! I did that with Weeks because I wasn’t sure where Ellis was going to play, but it looks like Weeks will continue to start even with Ellis returning. You now have my permission to fall backwards into Jemile’s arms. He’ll catch you.
Chris Capuano – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Feliz Capuano’s! That’s for the title of the post about Capuano that is never going to happen because he’ll never warrant it. In Metco, for the right matchups, in H2H leagues where your stats are erased every week… Okay. But that’s real tentative. He’s really nothing but a high WHIP, low 4 ERA pitcher. It’s nothing terrific.
David Wright – Cleared to resume baseball activities. What are his special skills, Microsoft Word, Powerpoint and bubble blowing? Oh, resume to start again…Not as in curriculum vitae. I’ll believe it when I see it with the Mets. His value the day before he returns might be his peak value for the rest of the season, but I guess I’ll cover that right before he returns.
Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks. Rudy and I just got Lincecum in a trade for Marmol. It was sent to us. I’m not sure the virtual paint dried on the trade before I signed off on it.
Juan Miranda – Hit his 7th home run yesterday. I’ll give this to the Diamondbacks. They really give their guys a chance to succeed or fail. Shoot, they gave Stephen Drew four years. Miranda’s someone to watch closely in case he gets hot. Great park, decent talent. He will be an average liability.
Roy Oswalt – 2 IP, 4 ER and pulled from the game with lower back stiffness. He had back issues earlier this year. He should wear some support under his overalls! Five schmools says he’s headed to the Disgraceful List.
Roger Bernadina – 1-for-4, he’s gonna be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. It’s a real barn burner! I hope I live past Friday, but if I don’t, this afternoon’s Buy/Sell won’t be a bad note to go out on. Sorta like Crimes and Misdemeanors for Woody Allen. (Um, Grey, Woody Allen’s still alive and making movies.) Parentheticals just don’t understand.
Jason Marquis – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. You’re probably wondering why I’m even mentioning Marquis. Well, there was only five games yesterday. It’s the type of day where a dedicated fantasy baseball blogger can take his time when he masturbates. “Tell me, Scott Podsednik’s wife, does it impress you that I drafted your husband when he stole 70 bases? Does it?!”
Jim Riggleman – Abruptly resigned as the Nats got over .500 and won 11 of their last 12. He probably figured this was his best chance of going out on top. It’s like Costanza leaving the room on a joke. “We won 11 out of the last 12. Thank you! Good night!”