Colby Rasmus took the Miller Park crowd and said, “How ya like me now?!” Then they said, “We don’t really know you, because the Blue Jays/Brewers rivalry extends only about an hour or so, unless you count that time Rance Mulliniks said this town was nothing but a bunch of Lenny and Squiggys. That Mulliniks character has a bit of a mouth on him.” Rasmus may not have the mouth of Mulliniks, but he’s got the bat (though Mulliniks did get named to the 1984 Sports Illustrated Dream Team as a utility fielder — this was before Dream Team meant beating other countries in a sport they don’t play). Last night, Rasmus hit two bombs to give him six on the month. Bautista added in two of his own dingers for 22 on the year. The now-seasoned pro, Lawrie, peppered the stands with another one, for his 2nd in as many games and Edwin Encarnacion showed everyone long balls aren’t just for elderly men at a urinal. What does all this mean for fantasy? I’ll tell you, clunky expository sentence! Rasmus should be owned everywhere and we are finally seeing the guy that could be good for a 25/15 season, actually give it the ol’ college try at the University of Got It, which makes more sense when it’s abbreviated U. Got It. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! Before we get into today’s roundup, I just wanted to say you should stop by later this afternoon because we have a very special guest on this week’s podcast. No, not the little kid from Family Ties! Why would you even think that? Anyway II, here’s today’s roundup:
Tyler Thornburg – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER. He’s a pitching prospect out of the Brewers system with solid Double-A numbers — 8+ K-rate, 3.00 ERA, but he’s got a tendency to leave balls up in the zone. Yesterday, he gave up 4 homers. Tendency meet Reality. Tendency, “Hey, Reality, get real.”
John Axford – 1 IP, 2 ER with two homers allowed to blow the game. If the Brewers had any manners, they’d let him claim an injury and send him to the DL. I picked up K-Rod in one league (the same league I picked him up and dropped him last week, if we’re keeping tabs).
Jayson Werth – His original timetable called for an August return and now he’s targeting a late-July return. Whatever, I wouldn’t even update my iCal for that shizz.
Jeremy Hellickson - To the DL with shoulder fatigue. To misquote a Project Runway contestant , if your shoulder’s tired, then go take a nap!
Scott Kazmir - Expected to sign with the Sugarland Skeeters. This is how the MLB gets involved in the Skeet Movement. I’m not sure what that makes Kazmir.
Fernando Rodney – 20th save to go with his 1.10 ERA. If you would’ve told me in March Rodney would be this good on June 19th, I would’ve asked where’s your backless hospital gown and do you need a ride back to the funny farm.
Carlos Pena – 6 for his last 11 and he homered yesterday, as he bats 2nd. Ha! Joe Maddon, “My skin is thinner than my dark-rimmed glasses, and I’m gonna cave to all of these critics questioning why I have Pena batting leadoff… So I’m gonna bat him 2nd, even though I have a lineup that has literally seven leadoff or two hole hitters. Now, excuse me, I have to go pick up my Peggy Sue for the Buddy Holly lookalike contest.” I’d grab Pena if you’re hurting for power, because of the crazy homer streaks he usually goes on.
Chien-Ming Wang – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Wang, you are no Dickey!
Ian Desmond – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in the last three games. He now has 11 homers and 8 steals with a .264 average. *shrugs* Probably better than that other guy you got at middle infield.
Mitch Moreland – Strained his hamstring. You know who’s hamstrong? Mike Olt! I’m teasing, I don’t think he gets the call for all you Oltphiles. I think Oswalt will get called up (that youngster!) when Moreland is DL’d and Young will play 1st base.
Logan Morrison - 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer as he bats .240. Whatever, that’s yesterday’s news (according to my Mayan calendar). I had much love for Logan Morrison in the preseason. If you want to read it, I’m sure someone can snarkily copy what I said in March about Morrison into the comments. I don’t think this one good game means he’s out of the woods, but he’s got a flashlight app and he’s found some moss on the side of a tree.
Gaby Sanchez – 0-for-4, to lower his average to .187. There’s gonna be some fantasy baseball ‘pert next year that’s going to point at Sanchez as a possible sleeper with nothing to back up their argument, except a gut call. And that might be me.
Kevin Correia – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. I still wouldn’t lift the fantasy embargo against Correia.
Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (14) as he bats .332. The Dread Pirate is making a case to be the first Pirate in the first round next year since Normal-Sized Headed Bonds. Bonilla just read that and spilled his coffee on his laptop… E-9.
Josh Harrison – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 2nd homer and 4th and 5th steal for the slam and legii. He’s youngish with 5-ish homer power and 15-ish steal speed. Without an everyday job, it’s not worth it in mixed leagues. Or to go Sephardic, he’s Ish-mal.
Carlos Marmol – Recorded the save yesterday as he threw a perfect inning. Okay, he had a walk, but only one for him is perfect.
Travis Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Through 41 1/3 IP, 29 Ks and 19 walks. 4.14 ERA and 1.26 WHIP with a .224 BAA and one win… yesterday’s. What does all that mean? He’s going on the list of guys I’m watching closely for next year. Right now, you can probably do better in mixed leagues.
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-3 with two singles. I pay you to hit homers! (I don’t pay him.)
Billy Butler – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer this week. One for each of his luscious moobs.
Michael Morse – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his first homer. He must’ve heard the “Frankly, I ain’t happy with what you’re doing and don’t call me Frank Lee” in the comments yesterday, because it felt like people were getting ready to slash the prices on Morse. You’ve been staved!
Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 5 ER. Aw, for all of his owners that got an under 3 ERA for the last two and half months, I’m gonna go bid a penny on eBay for the world’s smallest violin, then if I win it, I’ll play it for you.
Aroldis Chapman – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and has now given up 6 runs in his last five and a third innings. Welcome back to another installment of… As the toothpick turns! When we last left Dusty’s toothpick, Aroldis was safe in the 9th inning with a 0.00 ERA. Now, Sean Marshall’s converted the last Reds save and has an ERA under 3… As the toothpick turns!
John Mayberry Jr. – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in 5 games. Mayberry BFD! Get involved with your local fantasy community’s waiver wire process and pick him up. It’ll make for a better day (for your team). Grey Albright approves this message.
Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer (first in June). Chooch took a power sabbatical for about a month as he rediscovered his inner Choochiness. Sorry, I just learned he likes to be called Chooch and now all I wanna say is Chooch. Isn’t that what Hispanics call their grandma? Hey, what’s that smoke behind home plate? Oh, Chooch is just making some arepas.
Freddy Galvis - Suspended 50 games for testing positive for Clostebol. I don’t know what that is, but if it makes hitters perform like Galvis, I’d avoid it.
Ike Davis – 0-for-3. Hmm… What if I pretend I didn’t pick you up? Can you hit again then? Purty please, Mr. Davis.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. One way to stay on the top of fantasy waivers is to hit 3-4 homers per month without ever getting crazy hot. At the end of the year, we’re gonna say Duda was a solid third outfielder with his 25 homers. Then we’re gonna take a nap because it’s not the most interesting factoid.
Johan Santana – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Whatever, when does Dickey pitch again!? You know, I heard there was some controversy about Dickey. Turns out he has acne on the back… Of his knuckles!
Jordany Valdespin – 4 for his last 8. Oh no, it’s the guy with the evil Harry Potter name! I thought Lord Valdespin was only going to be a regular fixture in the Mets’ lineup during American League park interleague, but he’s now started the last two games in Metco. I wouldn’t drop anyone too worthwhile, but Lord Valdespin has some interesting minor league numbers (15/33 in Double-A last year) if he gets a shot to play (which he should; seriously, Mets, make the right call and go with the rookie for once).
Coco Crisp – 2-for-3 with 3 steals. Because it should be in your head. Cooooooco Crisp… Coooooco Crisp… 2nd base is what he toooooook…
Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. Pretty annoyed I don’t own him in any league. Even more annoyed because he was on waivers before this game.
Mike Trout – 4-for-4 and, because he stole 3 bags on Monday, he decided to go with 4 runs yesterday. Tonight, he will hit 5 homers. I hope they don’t change the rules of baseball to make it more difficult for him. Like move the pitcher’s mound in ten feet or allow the catcher to Charley Horse him before every pitch.
Mark Trumbo – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs. Trout and Trumbo are gonna start a band. Trout’s gonna play the bones of a fish like a xylophone and Trumbo is gonna play the trombone. Their first single, “Quiet: Fishing,” will be a mashup of two instruments you don’t hear a lot of and the sound of a man walking in rubber boats. It will go platinum in less than a week.
Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 6 ER. Bad, Hodgepadre. Bad.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Comments, brace for “Belt or Goldschmidt” questions. I repeat. Comments, brace yourself!
Aaron Hill – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. For what feels like the first time in his career, he’s not being completely lucky or unlucky with homers or balls batted into play, but, as Ernest Hemingway once said, “You make your own luck.” I’m guessing he said that before he killed himself.
Daniel Hudson – 4 IP, 7 ER. Um… Yikes?
Kyle Seager – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs with his 9th homer. Wasn’t it Dustin Ackley we were supposed to get excited about? C’mon, Mariners, hype the proper prospect please (say that fast 117 times!).
Clay Buchholz – 6 IP, 5 ER. Wha’ happened to the rediscovered changeup? He change it up? Change it back, ‘holz!
Mark Prior - In Triple-A, he’s K’d 19 batters in only 8 IP. Not too shabby since he’s been doing all his pitching in a bubble to avoid his amathophobia.
Cody Ross – 1-for-3 with a homer as he returned from his month long injury leave. When’s he gonna follow Kendrys and Giancarlo’s lead and change his name to Code Rossi?
Dustin Pedroia – Left Tuesday’s game because he was fearful he was injured. He’s taking this audition for the remake of Fear Strikes Out way too seriously.
Jacoby Ellsbury - Been out with a dislocated shoulder, but the Garmin worked and he took BP at Fenway. He’s targeting a return to the Red Sox lineup before the All-Star Break. And Brett Gardner was the one with a minor injury. FMFBBL!
Josh Beckett - MRI found no damage to his shoulder. Though it did find a half-eaten chicken wing and a Pabst.
Jose Valverde - Hurt his wrist warming up and is headed for an MRI. If it’s anything like Beckett’s MRI, he’s in for a real treat! If Valverde can’t return and continue to pitch rather mediocrely, then Benoit would slide into the closer role. Yesterday, the Tigers only went to Coke because of a sponsorship deal.
Jeremy Guthrie - The Colorado Springs Convention drew up four treaties that establish the standards of law for the humanitarian treatment of Rockie pitchers. Before the Rockies had to pay reparations to Guthrie’s family, he was removed from the rotation.
Josh Outman - 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. He should check Ancestry.com to see if his family name was once Can’tGetAnOutman.