Doesn’t Danny Valencia sound like a bad actor’s stage name? “For my audition, I’m going to do the scene ‘Eating the Old 96er’ from The Great Outdoors.” Okay, try not to choke. (Quick side note: My aunt used to date Danny Aiello. But not Danny Aiello, the actor. A different Danny Aiello. It was like McDowell’s vs. McDonald’s. “They got the Golden Arches, mine is the Golden Arcs.” I’d tell people, “Yeah, I was at dinner with Danny Aiello.” My friends would be, “Danny Aiello?!” “Yeah, Danny Aiello!” Then my friends would make excuses to come over and be like, “That’s not Danny Aiello!” And I’d be like, “That’s Danny Aiello!” Then one day we were at a restaurant and who walks in but the real Danny Aiello. It was like when Lorraine attempts to escape the house, but encounters her 2015 counterpart and faints.) So Valencia is hitting over .400 at home, where the Twins are the final week. Yes, over .400. He also has 3 homers in the last week. Here’s hoping he can make the magic last for more than one night or week. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Melvin Mora – This schmohawk is usually Melvin Van Feebles, but he’s hitting well in the last week and there’s no guarantee Mini-Mini Donkey will be inserted right back into the lineup.
Mike Aviles – It must be the end of the season when I’m heavily promoting a guy who’s barely above Crapolanco’s production.
Chris Johnson – As they say at bachelorette parties, this Johnson’s hot.
Wilson Betemit – Geez, how many corner infidels can be hot in the final week? I’ll answer that right after I dump Sandoval and his Shirley Hemphill-lookalike body.
Chris Carter – This isn’t a buy for this year, but, if you’re in a keeper, I’d take a flier on Carter just to see how things play out this winter.
Danny Espinosa – Blah blah blah Espinosa! Blah blah blah Buy! Blah blah blah Dracula!
Randy Wolf – He appeared in the borderline starters post for last week. Before that, he went out with your Moms and did her wrong. So I don’t fully trust him, but he’s been lights out.
Carlos Zambrano – Has been great since returning to the rotation and also gets 2 starts in the final week. Last start is vs. the Astros. Hello, sexy, what’s your name?
Nick Blackburn – Just went over my Nick Blackburn fantasy. It’s a fascinating read, I count only three typos. Or is that, tipe-ohs? Anyhoo! Blackburn’s set for two starts next week, but I imagine the 2nd start will be shortened or skipped since the ‘offs.
Tim Stauffer – This is Grey, the Not-Really-Greek’s Double Yahtzee pick of the week! Two starts, one at home, one in San Fran.
Alex Sanabia – I actually picked him up in one league for his two starts, but I’m not excited about it. How’s that for selling a Buy?!
Carlos Carrasco – And last of the two start pitchers for next week that have a legit chance of appearing on any of my teams. And, yes, Carrasco sounds like a luchador.
David Murphy – If you haven’t picked up Murphy yet, you’re probably not paying attention anyway. It’s a shame, you could’ve been a contender.
Michael Morse – Something tells me he won’t be hot by next Tuesday, but there’s only, like, ten more days of season left, so what the eff in the coolie hole.
Will Venable – I think I’ve mentioned this before, but Venable is the 2nd fastest guy in the majors after Crawford, according to Bill James’ Speed Score. Tied with Brett Gardner and ahead of Michael Bourn, Reyes, Stubbs, Victorino… Don’t just stare, say something! Okay, maybe I’m the only one that finds that interesting.
Jarrod Dyson – He’s fast. That’s all I got. I’m not sure he’ll play and he’ll never hit for power. He’s like a non-French Juan Pierre.
Clay Hensley – SAGNOF!
Chris Sale – See Hensley, Clay. Or 1/8th of an inch above.
Craig Breslow – Michael Wuertz’ thumb is huertz and Ziegler throws like a girl.
Phil Coke – In a blind taste test, 4 out of 5 SAGNOF’ers choose Ryan Pepsi, but Coke is it.
Juan Gutierrez – I like Kirk Gibson. He was a fist pumping fool before Vinny. Though I think making Gutierrez the closer was reason enough for him to never manage another game, let alone get signed on for next year, but mine is not to reason why.
Ted Lilly – I’m actually a fan of Lilly, but he has two starts left and his next start is in Coors. Blech.
Andrew Bailey – See Jose Valverde.
Jose Valverde – See Andrew Bailey.
Joe Mauer – Unless your league counts the playoffs, you need someone else.
Zack Greinke – Kinda depends on your shituation but I dropped Greinke in the one league I have him for a two start pitcher. And it felt great! Sayonora, schmohawk!
Any Pitcher That Has Pitched His Last Start – Maximize your lineup spots with middle relievers for vulture wins or other starters. It’s that time, friends. Good luck!